daddy's hat

the guys, playing with dad's hat & basically just being cute.

& me, with conrad at the park. i posted this mostly for the lovely shot of my walking boot, that i'm hoping very much to lose next week!
& that's it. nothing clever to say. just photos!

favorites

if you weren't an "only", did you feel that your parents (or either parent) had a favorite child?

i think i used to be my dad's favorite, but with sobriety he has become more even keeled, which i think both my brother & i appreciate, & i don't feel like he has a favorite kid now. hoever, i've always felt that my mom did (& does) & it's never been me. if you know me at all, you know that i adore my mom & we have an amazing relationship, so saying she has a "favorite" sounds worse than i intend it to. so let me try to explain further. i don't think she loves my brother more. but she has always catered to him, celebrated him & treasured time spent with him in a way she never has with me.
some examples: 1) if he calls while i am on the phone with her, she will hang up with me to speak with him. if i call while she's on the phone with him, she won't answer the phone, & will instead call me back later. 2) (& the only time i've ever really been furious with her) when the boys were still in the NICU, i wouldn't allow my brother in to see them bc he was recovering from the flu, & she demanded we let him in. we didn't, of course, & she was genuinely upset that we put our sons over hers, altho she never phrased it that way.)
i wonder now if it has anything to do with him being the baby, or a boy, or if it's bc i was a pretty independent kid, or if maybe it's bc he had such terrible asthma as a child that he was hospitalized frequently. i know first hand that if you have a sick child, it's very easy to become preoccupied with the sicky at the expense of your less "needy" children.
& i wonder if having a percieved "favorite" is an inevitable fact of parenting more than one child. it's human nature to identify more with some people than others (think about it-- isn't there a parent or sibling you felt closer to, despite that fact that you presumably loved both of your parents, etc? it's just how people work.) i could NEVER, NEVER pick between my children, but i know that as they grow, i will feel closer to one or more of them than others at times, & i wonder if i will be able to effectively counter that so that ALL of my kids feel loved & special. of course i'll try, but i'm guessing my folks tried too, & i still felt it. so can it be done? can we really impose equality on both our feelings & in our children's perception of those feelings?

hurry up & slow down

i want the next few weeks to fly, so i can meet #3 & finally start healing from being pregnant for what feels like years. at the same time tho, i don't want to hurry anything, bc i don't want to lose a minute with my guys. i'll miss them in the hospital, & i know it will take me a while once we get home to get in the swing of having 3 little ones. the boys at a very snuggly, needy age at the moment, & while i know my mom will do a wonderful job of catering to them, i know it will bother me that it won't be ME with them.
don't get me wrong, i do want to spend the time getting to know 3. i want 3 to get the same level of devotion that our first babies got from us, but i know what it is to have to divide your attention, & it hurts, even when you know it's the best thing for everyone. once 3 is here, everything will work out fine, of course, & i will have worried for nothing. but in the meantime i can't help but worry a little, & spend every spare moment i have trying to make my big boys feel as special & loved as i can.


EDIT: ok, i also have to point out here, that while we have just over 30 days til 3's scheduled birthday, 3 could techincally come anytime after may 14th (37 weeks) & be fine. this is just 16 days away!!! anyone want to make some birthday predicitions? i personally think 3 will be a late may baby...

i'm so over it.

forgive me, but i'm ready not to be pregnant & broken for a while. it's been a looooong freaking 2 years, & i am tired & pukey, sick of waddling & wishing i could run & play with my kids again like a normal mom. i'm sick of the "boy, aren't you going to have your hands full" comments (NOT original folks!), i'm sick of strangers staring at my belly & booted foot & twins, & i just want us to be a regular old family for a while, with no dr's appts, no catastrophes, & no surprises of any sort (at least for a little while!)

thank God we only have a few weeks left until 3 is here. i'm even looking forward to the newborn insanity (or at least getting it over with ASAP!) i can make it, right?

i think i can, i think i can, i think i can....

a brief fashion show

the guys, (in my mom's lap), wearing the shirts mollie (www.AGingerMadeThis.etsy.com) made for them & posing GQ style. (this pic really cracks me up, bc the face val is making is the EXACT same face N makes in pictures. this stuff really must be genetic!)

btw-- if you haven't checked out mollie's site, do it!!! i ordered a diaper bag from her that i LOVE, & the shirts are soooo cute! (& machine & dryer safe) in case you can't tell from the pic, they're little ties sewn onto t-shirts. totally adorable!

a note to 3, at 33w6d

at this point in out last pregnancy, the boys were already here & had been here for a few days. we could hold them, but they couldn't yet breathe or eat on their own. they were petite little munchkins, with skinny baby butts & scrunchy faces, & they were the most beautiful people i have ever seen.
3 won't be here for several weeks yet, but i can't help but wonder-- who do you look like? do you have a head of fair hair, like your brothers? do you like to sleep with your arms over your head, like conrad, or with them straight out at your sides, like val? are you a thumb sucker?
i feel like we knew your big brothers so much better at this point, since we had so many ultrasounds. you're stayed a little mystery, growing & kicking & bopping away. despite the chaos raging on the outside, you've been peaceful & secure. are you really a laid back baby, or are you just biding your time until you can join in the happy insanity that is our family?
in spite of all the grumpiness going on lately, & our total lack of preparation, i AM looking forward to meeting you, discovering your personality & learning your quirks. you may have been a surprise (ok, a shock), & you may be third, but you are no less loved & no less wanted.

stay safe & grow strong little one, & know that you are loved.

be warned: this is a psycho pregnant lady rant

every scrap of clothing in our house needs to be washed. plus, in a burst if nesting fervor yesterday, i pulled out a bunch of newborn stuff to be washed & folded for 3. (dragging giant tupperware tubs of baby clothes up from our basement after spending hours wandering ikea in a fruitless search for a shelf= bad idea.) i started the wash this morning with puke/pee laundry bc it was stinkiest, & next up is N's mountain of work shirts, (also very stinky), altho to be honest i was seriously tempted to just set fire to his sh*t on the lawn this morning.

i think i've finally hit the super grumpy, exhausted, everything & everyone pisses me off stage of pregnancy.

pretty much all of my patience & smiles are used up on the boys, so by the time i see N at the end of the day i have nothing left, & it's taking a toll.
he was such a b*tch yesterday for unknown reasons. (my guess is that the man is feeling the stress of being totally unready for the pending baby, etc, but bc he is who he is, he will admit to nothing & will just act like a big jerk rather than own up to feeling anxious.) so after trying to cheer him up, offering to help with his "chores", & failing to elicit anything but snide remarks, i gave up & was pretty much annoyed with him all day.
& then i dreamt last night that he had an affair. woke up crying & furious with him. yeah, yeah, it was a dream, but i was still pissed.

aside from general stress, i think part of our pissiness towards each other is actually due to the lack of love life lately. not from lack of desire on any one's part, but bc i am TIRED. by the time N gets home, i have been up since 6 with 2 small men hanging on me ALL day (the guys are going thru a very clingy stage) & the thought of another human trying to touch me pretty much makes my skin crawl. by that point, i don't even want the cats in my lap, & by the time we get the kids to bed, i am usually laying on the couch, drinking water & fending off the BHC that get ever more frequent & uncomfortable throughout the day so i can finally go to sleep.
& due to our awesome procrastinating, on his days off, the "must-do" list is so long that the "want-to" list never gets done. plus, the added grumpiness on his part definetly does NOT make me want to rip his clothes off.

yeah, i know-- this too shall pass, blah, blah, blah.

i think my larger problem at the moment is just that i've hit the frantic, must prepare, grumpy & exhausted for no reason part of this pregnancy. & the fact that i can accomplish none of the things i want to get done without help (stupid broken foot) is driving my type A self absolutely batty. grr.

Twin v. Singleton Belly: Part VII

33 1/2 weeks with #3. (yeah, i'm in pj's & look crappy. everyone will just have to deal with it!)

& 30 weeks with the boys. this was the last belly pic i took with the guys, since shortly after this i started getting really sick with pre-e, & we were in & out of the hospital way too much to think about things like belly pics.
i think i look similarly big, i'm just carrying REALLY differently. believe it or not, at this point with the guys, i was actually measuring past 40 weeks. & conrad was pretty much living in my rib cage. ah, good times! carrying 1 at a time is SOOOOOO much easier, even when it sucks.

& i have to say, i'm ready not to be pregnant anymore. no, i don't want to rush 3-- as far as i'm concerned, 3 can take all the time the baby wants, since we are totally unprepared still. i just mean i'm looking forward to the end of the summer, when (hopefully) i will be sleeping a bit again & will have lost (some) of the baby weight & will generally be feeling less like a small planet. i will have been pregnant or recovering from being pregnant for pretty much 2 years straight by the time 3 gets here, & i'm ready for a break!!

10 reasons why i am a bad wife today.

1. the laundry is clean, but scattered between the dryer & various laundry baskets.
2. bottles are stacked by the sink, waiting to be washed, & i fully plan on leaving them there until after dinner.
3. the boys breakfast cheerios are still all over the floor, as are the bird's morning carrots, (they decided orange isn't cool today & threw them all out of their cage at the cats.)
4. my living room looks like a daycare that hasn't been cleaned in a week.
5. i am still in pj's.
6. the boys are still in pj's.
7. we will be eating leftovers for the 2nd night in a row, bc the thought of cooking makes me want to hurl.
8. digger has yogurt in his fur from an over-enthusiastic baby hug. i am not going to attempt to bathe the cat.
9.i think my cell phone is lost somewhere in the boy's playhouse. i have no plans to go look for it.

& 10. i am too tired to care about any of this. we played all morning, the boys are fed, they are (relatively) clean, totally happy, & napping peacefully, & i am going to go join them. chores be damned.

i'm soliciting tips!

no, not the $ kind of tips, altho if you want to throw some of that our way, that would be cool too!

i'm looking for some (friendly) advice on life with toddlers + newborn. i know, most of you don't have 2 almost-toddlers at home, but i'm sure all tips can be adapted, right?

in the end, of course every family has to figure out what works best for them, & honestly we totally disregarded most "advice" we got on having twins, but sometimes fresh ideas are a good thing, & since i'm SOL on all the "nesting" i want to do lately (stupid broken foot!), pouring over some "mommy" advice is like virtual nesting for me, so please, comment!!!! (& help keep me sane!)

birth stories

sometimes they make me sad.

a couple friends have blogged recently about the births of their older kids, & while i love reading the stories, they make me kind of wistful.

we had to have a c-section with the boys. they let me labor until i was 5 or 6 cm, & then my blood pressure skyrocketed & we needed a c-sec NOW. obviously, when your kids' health is at stake, you don't have a lot of options. i don't regret that surgery one bit-- it brought us our beautiful sons, safe & sound. but bc of the internal incision, my odds of success with a vaginal birth now are optimistically around 50%. i blogged about this some time ago, when N & i decided that those weren't good enough odds for us, & we were opting for a repeat c-section. i stand by that decision, i really do. after talking with my OB (who is generally fairly anti-c-section), we feel like it's the safest option for 3 & for me. but....

hearing the stories of reaching down to feel the baby's head, or even just HOLDING the baby right after birth, make me long for that kind of delivery. you don't get to hold your baby after a c-section. & while i don't mind at all that N gets to be the first to hold our kids, it hurts that i can't hold them right away, too.

in the long run of course, none of this matters. i don't love my boys any less for having them delivered surgically, & it won't change my feelings for 3 or the relationships i have with my kids. it's just the loss of a single moment in their lives & in mine, but it's a moment i'll never get to experience, & that makes me kind of sad.

they called the cops on us!

when i went to the doc yesterday for my foot, N was able to take a couple hours off work to watch the guys. since it was the middle of the day & he was going right back out on the road, he didn't put on street clothes, just stayed in uniform & drove his cruiser home. so the cruiser was parked in front of our house for maybe 2 1/2 hours, during which time our incredibly nosy neighbor came out of his house, circled the car, stared at the house & wrote down the cruiser's plate number, & called the post to report the car. i'm not really sure what he thought would happen, but he apparently thought the fact that a cop car was parked for 2 hours in front of a house was a big deal.
N's supervisor was, of course, completely aware of where N was & what he was doing, & told the guy that he was aware of the location of the car as well as his trooper, at which point the guy got beligerant with the sergeant, yelled some obscentities & hung up.

really?
i mean, really?
this is what our neighbors do with their time?
does it not occur to people that employees of the state (yes, i mean police) also get time off for things like family emergencies & lunch?

i assumed the guy was being nosy & wanted to know what was up, thinking there was some kind of illegal stuff going on, & N pointed out that maybe the guy thought i was having some kind of illicit affair with a cop while my devoted husband was gone at work. (i suggested we actually put that theory to practice before he went back to work, but like the good trooper he is, he refused to indulge my little fantasy... alas!) anyways, mostly i think the guy was just a nosy jerk.

i really dont' get people sometimes. whatever happened to being good neighbors?

oh dear....

can i just mention how hard it is to chase after/crawl after my dudes with this cast thing on my leg? um, yeah. they can totally crawl away from me & i can't catch them. both took off sans diaper during a diaper change this afternoon & i had to wait until i could sneak up on the little boogers to cover their naked butts. good times!

i'm assuming this will get easier, but in the meantime, at least the boys are enjoying mama's moon boot! :)

the ugly green monster

let me preface this by saying, the kids are worth everything i'm about to complain about & then some, & there is NO way i would trade them for anything. that said....

my best bud was over this weekend, & she has been doing WW & hitting the gym big time, & well, she looks awesome. she had just got her hair done, & was all skinny & even dressed up cute (not for me & the boys, but bc she was going on a date with the dude we set her up with later that day), & talking about a cruise she's going on at the end of this week thru mexico.
i was wearing pajama pants (comfiest thing ever when preggo, but not attractive) & one of N's t-shirts bc i was doing laundry & all of my shirts had been puked on recently, hadn't showered in 2 days, so i had a real resemblence to medusa going on, & i was gimping around like a schmuck bc of my stupid ankle. & i felt like the world's frumpiest, most boring housewife ever.

i don't begrudge my bud any of the good times she has coming, she's had her shares of woes & i know she wants very much to be a "boring" housewife & mom, so i'm pretty sure she'd smack me if she knew i was here complaining, but MAN did i feel lame.
less bc of her pending vacation (which is much deserved) & more bc she looks so great, & i look nothing like "myself". (or at least the version of myself i still stupidly expect to see in the mirror. the one who didn't have 3 kids in under 2 years.) i hate not having clothes that fit, i hate the extra 20 lbs that i know are going to hang on for months after 3 is here. & even tho i know this is part of the deal, & most days i can laugh & be glad i'm having such a healthy pg & growing a big, healthy baby, some days i just feel like a frumpy, homely, schmuck.
& i know that after a few months with #3, i'll be able to go to WW (they have a program for breastfeedings moms) & get back to the gym, & i really can't wait. i am so sick of not feeling like myself, & quite frankly i'm a bit jealous of anyone who still looks skinny & awesome, while i look bloated & tired.

ok, i'm done whining, i swear. i chose this life, & i really do love it, but i can't help the green eyed monster from sneaking up on me occasionally. i'm going to kick him out NOW tho & go back to laughing at my little dudes, who are chatting it up in their cribs instead of napping right now. little boogers!

piece of cake

a friend pointed out to me after my lame post yesterday that "normal" pregnancies are boring, so i shouldn't feel bad. & i have to say, i really agree, altho i'd never thought of it before-- normal pregnancies ARE boring. after the drama & pain of carrying 2 for 7ish mos, this singleton pg has been a walk in the park. this is a piece of cake.
don't get me wrong, maybe i'll be singing a different tune in 6 weeks, but after measuring something like 44 weeks preggo with the dudes at somewhere around 30 weeks (if memory serves) i seriously doubt i'll be THAT miserable, & i have to be honest, i don't really "get it" when other singleton moms start complaining right around now (32 weeks). not that i'm not sympathetic, i know all too well how much pregnancy can suck, i just don't feel it this time-- i'm really NOT that miserable, & while big, i really don't feel THAT huge. mostly, i'm just really glad we had the twins first, so that this one really does seem like a total breeze.

doldrums

i have some serious blahs going on lately.

the 3rd tri sleepies are a contributing factor, as is my stupid ankle, which is keeping me from doing fun things like taking the guys to the park or starting my garden, but mostly i've just settled into a funk of blah-ness & can't snap out of it. i just can't work up enough enthusiam over anything to get excited about anything. even the pending arrival of #3 in a few weeks isn't enough to light a fire under me. honestly, i'm kind of thinking "eh, another baby".... the excitement of a few weeks ago is fading, & now i'm mostly thinking how much recovery from another c-sec will suck, & about how my workload is about to explode with newborn "fun." i know, i know, i am a rotten, rotten woman for feeling that way. don't think i don't feel guilty about it, i do. but even that isn't enough to shake some sense into me.

i had a check on 3 yesterday, & bc i had no real concerns or problems, the u/s was so quick (doc was running WAY behind) that i barely got a peek at the top of 3's head. i had kind of been looking forward to a real look at the baby again in hopes that seeing 3 would make me feel excited again. now i don't have another look for 3 more weeks, & i feel kind of detached from the baby inside me. (insert comment about how i'm a horrible person & awful mom.)

i seriously doubt that i'll be able to maintain this level of apathy in the face of a living, breathing person. i do LOVE babies afterall, especially my own, so i'm counting on some excitement returning as we get closer to d-day, but for now i just feel beyond lame. i think maybe i'll go baby shopping & pick up something specially for 3 (not that we *need* anything, but baby shopping is always fun) & maybe that will drum up some enthusiasm.

oh wait... i'm staying off my ankle. nevermind. blah.

ow. (a whine)

N is out running, the boys are sleeping, #3 is digging some appendage or other into my ribs, so if i weren't in pain, this would be a nice quiet evening. stupid ankle. (yeah, i know i'm being really whiney. sorry. i'm not whining & complaining in actual life, so i guess i'm doing it all here. feel free to skip this post if you don't want to hear me b*tch.)

i've been off my feet all day today, with the exception of my doc's appt this morning, & OW. my ankle freaking hurts. my OB gave me a script for vi.codin, & then said try not to take it regularly, bc it can cause the baby to become addicted & go thru withdrawl. great. so i'm thinking i'll just take it at night so i can sleep? maybe? this is making me seriously grouchy & very touchy. why can't the damn thing just feel better? sigh.

10 things *most* people don't know about me

• i cannot ride a bike. no really, i never learned. i know, it's weird.
• i am terrified of deep water. like petrified. i can swim until i know the water is over my head, & then all h*ll breaks loose. i once almost drowned a grown man, trained in life-saving, in a full on phobia attack in a lake over this.
• i could happily become a full-on vegetarian, but for my love of seafood.
• i love gardening, but really only my veggies. the front & my flowers get totally neglected at the expense of growing the best veggies in our neighborhood.
• i hated cats until i met N's kitties, & saw the error of my ways. i am now a dedicated kitty lover.
• i let my kids roll in mud, & don't really mind when they occasionally eat dirt.
• once upon a time, i was a hard-core party girl. no really, it's true!
• one of my great ambitions in life is to go to the antiques roadshow. i don't even need to be on tv, i just want to go with N & some of our ancient crap!
• we have a cross made out of a palm (palm sunday-- its a catholic thing) hanging next to a giant set of antlers off a buck N got hanging in our living room. the positioning of both was an accident of convenience & i forget how weird it looks until i notice guests staring at them, but i still haven't moved either.
• i am really good at jeopardy, unless the category is opera.

ok, maybe some of those weren't all that *secret*, but it's sunday so you can't expect too much of me, right?

countdown adjustments

you might have noticed my ticker for #3 suddenly dropped a bunch of days. i decided to change it to reflect the lastest that 3 will actually be born, instead of our technical due date. & now i'm totally freaked out. it's under 2 mos. oh. my. god. not ready. sooooo not ready.

tough guys

bc it's always fun to end your day with cute baby pics:


val: you lookin' at me?

conrad: get in, i'm driving.

& yeah, i'll post real vaca pics later :)

sticks & stones break my bones, but GERD makes me cry.

i broke my ankle. it's a hairline fracture, but it's a fracture & i walked on it ALL week in arlington & DC last week. today i gave up tho, bc it now hurts so bad i can't chase the little dudes around anymore, & spent all afternoon in dr's offices while people tried to tell me it hurts bc i'm pregnant. i finally pitched a total hissy fit & demanded an x-ray & eval by a non-OB, & sure enough it's totally unrelated to me being preggo. duh. this isn't my 1st pg, & i was the queen of swollen appendages with the boys, so i'm pretty sure i know what a pg-swollen ankle feels like. sigh.
so now i'm in an air-cast & supposed to be "off my feet". HA. we'll see how that goes. mostly it just hurts & i don't know what i'm going to do to stay off my feet.

in even worse news, conrad gained ZERO since his last dr. visit, & the puking has returned depite the prevacid. after an appt today & a big pow-wow with our pedi. & his partner (both of whom specialize in this stuff) they think he's a candidate for surgery. basically, it's really bad that he's not gaining & is in fact losing weight, that we can't take him off medicines ever without making things much worse, & that there's been no improvement in his reflux, (which is now offically diagnosed as GERD), since birth.
so we got a referral to a pediatric surgeon who will get the final call. i'm praying we have other options available before we have to resort to surgery, bc it's not minor stuff this time. it's inpatient, requires rehab & abdominal surgery HURTS. i'm super scared just thinking of him having to go through this. we're waiting on the surgery folks to call & set up a consult, & in the meantime if anyone wants to send some good thoughts, vibes or prayers conrad's way, we'd be grateful.