ok, i know the ticker says 1, but thats bc i don't really count today or the day of, so there's only one WHOLE day left, even tho we aren't technically having the baby until tuesday.
either way, i'm excited! altho also kind of dreading the surgery & recovery... c-sections suck. (of course its worth it to have a healthy baby, but they still suck!)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
baby announcement "rules"
(great idea karinanne!)
so, when (& if) you all get a "baby is here" text from me/N, please keep any & all gender/name info to yourselves, so my folks & us can have time to spread the news to family without everyone finding out on fb. once you all see a fb announcement go up, it's a free-for-all, & you can say whatever you want. deal? simple congrats are fine, btw, just no details please! :)
so, when (& if) you all get a "baby is here" text from me/N, please keep any & all gender/name info to yourselves, so my folks & us can have time to spread the news to family without everyone finding out on fb. once you all see a fb announcement go up, it's a free-for-all, & you can say whatever you want. deal? simple congrats are fine, btw, just no details please! :)
5am
& up all by my lonesome.
i *should* be taking advantage of my last weekend to sleep in, since N is home to get up with the boys but sleep is elusive this morning soi gave up at 5 & just got up.
for those interested: contrax continue so far this morning, but am hoping they chill soon. am going to try to convinced N to stay quiet at home today so i can relax & not do much. carting my boys around triggers TONS of contractions, & the suckers freaking hurt (the contrax, not the dudes!) & we're supposed to go to a wedding tonight. or at least the reception, we're skipping the wedding for reasons of comfort (as in, the pregannt woman cannot face an hour long drive to sit in a hard church pew right now).
& bc i can go off on a tangent, i'm going to-- the girl getting married is the 18yo daughter of some friends from church. now i happen to think 18 is kinda young to be married, but whatever, to each their own. i'm not going to knock them bc of their age. that said, when they registered (2 weeks ago!!) apparently they only registered for all the most expensive things at BB&B. now, we aren't rich & i seriously doubt any of their parent's friends or their own 18yo friends are very wealthy, so why on earth did they ask for $100 crock pots? or a $90 knife? (yup, ONE knife!) or a $400 pot & pan set? i know they need some things to get started & i would have liked to get them an actual gift, but good lord-- we can't afford that crap! there were NO reasonably priced gifts on the list. sigh. so we chalked the crazy registry up to inexperience & just got them a gift card. & i'm guessing that's what everyone did, since i went shopping yesterday, the wedding is today & there was NOTHING purchased off their registry. you'd think the parents would have takled some sense into the kids, but who knows. people are weird.
& that's all i have this early in the morning. if you're on my list to be texted, i promise (again) that if anythign exciting happens (like we really go into labor) you'll hear from me. :) enjoy the holiday weekend!
i *should* be taking advantage of my last weekend to sleep in, since N is home to get up with the boys but sleep is elusive this morning soi gave up at 5 & just got up.
for those interested: contrax continue so far this morning, but am hoping they chill soon. am going to try to convinced N to stay quiet at home today so i can relax & not do much. carting my boys around triggers TONS of contractions, & the suckers freaking hurt (the contrax, not the dudes!) & we're supposed to go to a wedding tonight. or at least the reception, we're skipping the wedding for reasons of comfort (as in, the pregannt woman cannot face an hour long drive to sit in a hard church pew right now).
& bc i can go off on a tangent, i'm going to-- the girl getting married is the 18yo daughter of some friends from church. now i happen to think 18 is kinda young to be married, but whatever, to each their own. i'm not going to knock them bc of their age. that said, when they registered (2 weeks ago!!) apparently they only registered for all the most expensive things at BB&B. now, we aren't rich & i seriously doubt any of their parent's friends or their own 18yo friends are very wealthy, so why on earth did they ask for $100 crock pots? or a $90 knife? (yup, ONE knife!) or a $400 pot & pan set? i know they need some things to get started & i would have liked to get them an actual gift, but good lord-- we can't afford that crap! there were NO reasonably priced gifts on the list. sigh. so we chalked the crazy registry up to inexperience & just got them a gift card. & i'm guessing that's what everyone did, since i went shopping yesterday, the wedding is today & there was NOTHING purchased off their registry. you'd think the parents would have takled some sense into the kids, but who knows. people are weird.
& that's all i have this early in the morning. if you're on my list to be texted, i promise (again) that if anythign exciting happens (like we really go into labor) you'll hear from me. :) enjoy the holiday weekend!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
biggotry & fear
a preface: i believe with 100% of my being that gay people are just people. period. it matters to me about as much as someone's hair color, which is to say not at all. i believe they should have every right that a heterosexual person has, including the right to marriage & all the ensuing legal rights & responsibilities. if you feel otherwise, this is not a post for you.
some one very close to me came out recently & accidentally. this person ("B") was "discovered" due to some private correspondence that was left out, although i've *known* for years, without being told, as have many people close to B. B's parents took the news hard, mom bc she was heartbroken B couldn't share their whole self with her, & dad bc he's a very conservative man who struggles with change. the good in the situation is that now B can be exactly who they are without need to hide or pretend, & that B's parents, who i know well & who love their kids unconditionally, will become vehement gay-rights supporters & the best champions B could hope for. the sad in the situation is that B had to struggle & hide in the first place. it came out that B had contemplated suicicide & gone so far as to plan the place & time. hearing that tore at my heart. B is an amazingly talented, smart, engaging, funny person with so much to offer the world, & to think that we live in a world that would make that kind of person feel so badly about themselves that they wanted to die makes me sad & scared for my own children.
i've never understood why for so many people "different" automatically equals "wrong", & i understand even less why those people have to attack individuals who don't fit their notions of normal. bc among the people with whom i choose to surround myself things like race & gender & sexual orientation are non-issues, it becomes easy to forget the biggotry & prejudice that still run rampant in this country. hearing B's story was a close-to-home reminder of how brutal life still is for so many. i hope & pray that i will be able to impart to my own kids a strong enough sense of self & feeling of security that they will be able to live their lives openly as their whole selves, & that they learn compassion & a true sense of what is right & fair.
the world can be a cruel and scary place, especially if you aren't able to find the pockets of compassion & kindness.
some one very close to me came out recently & accidentally. this person ("B") was "discovered" due to some private correspondence that was left out, although i've *known* for years, without being told, as have many people close to B. B's parents took the news hard, mom bc she was heartbroken B couldn't share their whole self with her, & dad bc he's a very conservative man who struggles with change. the good in the situation is that now B can be exactly who they are without need to hide or pretend, & that B's parents, who i know well & who love their kids unconditionally, will become vehement gay-rights supporters & the best champions B could hope for. the sad in the situation is that B had to struggle & hide in the first place. it came out that B had contemplated suicicide & gone so far as to plan the place & time. hearing that tore at my heart. B is an amazingly talented, smart, engaging, funny person with so much to offer the world, & to think that we live in a world that would make that kind of person feel so badly about themselves that they wanted to die makes me sad & scared for my own children.
i've never understood why for so many people "different" automatically equals "wrong", & i understand even less why those people have to attack individuals who don't fit their notions of normal. bc among the people with whom i choose to surround myself things like race & gender & sexual orientation are non-issues, it becomes easy to forget the biggotry & prejudice that still run rampant in this country. hearing B's story was a close-to-home reminder of how brutal life still is for so many. i hope & pray that i will be able to impart to my own kids a strong enough sense of self & feeling of security that they will be able to live their lives openly as their whole selves, & that they learn compassion & a true sense of what is right & fair.
the world can be a cruel and scary place, especially if you aren't able to find the pockets of compassion & kindness.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
still baking
yup, 3 is just where we left the kid, despite torturing mom all night.
& i stand by my last post, even with the ridiculous lack of sleep & discomfort level. i mean, really-- what's the point of coming now? 3 might as well just hang out til the 1st!
& i stand by my last post, even with the ridiculous lack of sleep & discomfort level. i mean, really-- what's the point of coming now? 3 might as well just hang out til the 1st!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
6 days left!
tra la la!!
am now beginning to hope baby stays put until the 1st. i mean really, what's the point of coming early now? it's only a few more days to be miserable, & it would actually be kind of nice to have a planned, non-rushed, non-emergency birth. if all goes as planned, 1 week from today, i will be only an hour away from seeing 3 for the first time!
am now beginning to hope baby stays put until the 1st. i mean really, what's the point of coming early now? it's only a few more days to be miserable, & it would actually be kind of nice to have a planned, non-rushed, non-emergency birth. if all goes as planned, 1 week from today, i will be only an hour away from seeing 3 for the first time!
Monday, May 24, 2010
updates on the rest of life
GERD: it's back. not that it ever really left. but conrad is puking again, pretty regularly. his usual M.O. after a medicine switch is to be fine for a while, then progressively get worse & worse. i'm afraid we're on the downward slope again & i am very scared for him. i know if we can't get this under control it's striaght back to the surgeon & this is NOT a surgery that he could bounce back from quickly. i'm going to track everything that passes his lips & see if we can i.d. some triggers (no luck so far) & have cut out all fat from his evening meal & snack. i don't want to omit the high fat diet entirely, since if he starts losing weight again, or even not gaining, we're still headed back to the surgeon. healthy baby vibes are much needed & appreciated, if anyone has some to spare!
walking: conrad FINALLY took his first unassisted steps yesterday. i knew that when he started, it would be when he was certain he could do it all on his own & sure enough-- that's what happened. he'll only take a few at a time, bc he refuses to allow himself to fall, so he gracefully sinks to his knees when he knows he's losing it (unlike val, who just falls on his face & keeps on trucking). but he's walking & we're all so thrilled, especially his brother, who follows him around clapping-- it's super cute & conrad loves it. :)
3: is a stubborn child. i have been having steady & seriously uncomfortable contractions for several days now, but it's not "real" labor (altho it really feels like the early labor i had with the dudes) so other than being really annoying there's nothing new on that front. c-sec is still scheduled for the 1st (next tuesday) & i'm sure this little booger will just stay camped out until the 11th hour. whatever. baby will come when baby will come & in the meantime i'm just trying to stay busy & occupied so i don't dwell on how freaking uncomfortable i am. which is much easier to do when i'm not puking (thanks zo.fran!)
minivans: we're going hunting today. hopefully we'll find something decent & can bring it home. it's not crucial to have before 3 gets here, but it would be much easier to get done while dealing with only 2 kids instead of 3.
apologies: for the dull updates, but sometimes that's life!
walking: conrad FINALLY took his first unassisted steps yesterday. i knew that when he started, it would be when he was certain he could do it all on his own & sure enough-- that's what happened. he'll only take a few at a time, bc he refuses to allow himself to fall, so he gracefully sinks to his knees when he knows he's losing it (unlike val, who just falls on his face & keeps on trucking). but he's walking & we're all so thrilled, especially his brother, who follows him around clapping-- it's super cute & conrad loves it. :)
3: is a stubborn child. i have been having steady & seriously uncomfortable contractions for several days now, but it's not "real" labor (altho it really feels like the early labor i had with the dudes) so other than being really annoying there's nothing new on that front. c-sec is still scheduled for the 1st (next tuesday) & i'm sure this little booger will just stay camped out until the 11th hour. whatever. baby will come when baby will come & in the meantime i'm just trying to stay busy & occupied so i don't dwell on how freaking uncomfortable i am. which is much easier to do when i'm not puking (thanks zo.fran!)
minivans: we're going hunting today. hopefully we'll find something decent & can bring it home. it's not crucial to have before 3 gets here, but it would be much easier to get done while dealing with only 2 kids instead of 3.
apologies: for the dull updates, but sometimes that's life!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
touch a truck! & other updates
this morning my mom & i took the guys to "touch a truck" (a free local kiddie event where they bring out a bunch of cool trucks, police cars, school buses, ambulances, etc for kids to climb all over). & they LOVED it. there's just something about boys & machines...
here we are checking out a police car. it wasn't quite as cool as daddy's, but they still enjoyed it & the nice officer (who knew N) let val play with the radio, which is his favorite on N's uniform, so he was totally tickled & refused to give it up until they got him his own little police badge. (con got one too, & some stickers.) oh, & excuse the hideous tie-dyed t-shirt i'm wearing. i'm running out of decent maternity clothes that fit, so i don't want to hear any hippie comments!
the guys with gram, checking out a firetruck's ladder controls (i think). conrad thought the buttons were super cool & we had a hard time prying him away so other kids could see.
here we are checking out a police car. it wasn't quite as cool as daddy's, but they still enjoyed it & the nice officer (who knew N) let val play with the radio, which is his favorite on N's uniform, so he was totally tickled & refused to give it up until they got him his own little police badge. (con got one too, & some stickers.) oh, & excuse the hideous tie-dyed t-shirt i'm wearing. i'm running out of decent maternity clothes that fit, so i don't want to hear any hippie comments!
the guys with gram, checking out a firetruck's ladder controls (i think). conrad thought the buttons were super cool & we had a hard time prying him away so other kids could see.
val, next to a giant tire on a navy truck.
conrad, examining the grill on a school bus. he takes his fun very seriously.
& that's that. i found some zo.fran, & it turns out that when i'm not puking constantly i'm in a much better mood (go figure!) so i'm going to try to stay as busy as possible & see if i really can jump start labor... altho as you can see from my ticker-- NINE days left! wooooooo!!!!!
& that's that. i found some zo.fran, & it turns out that when i'm not puking constantly i'm in a much better mood (go figure!) so i'm going to try to stay as busy as possible & see if i really can jump start labor... altho as you can see from my ticker-- NINE days left! wooooooo!!!!!
for those who are interested in such things-- still having contrax, they still hurt, back ache still comes & goes with contrax, but they won't stay more consistant than at least 1 every half hour or so. yeah, we have bouts where its more intense, but it never lasts, so i'm still convincing myself we're going to wait another 9 days. or, we'll go into labor before the scheduled c-sec, but the night before or something equally ridiculous. :)
also- the observant among you may notice i'm not wearing my boot in the pics. yes, my foot is still broken, & yes, it still hurts, but the d*mn thing weighs a ton & it feels like i'm dragging a lead weight around, which is pretty much intolerable when you're this pregnant. so i've given up. i am so beyond caring about my stupid heel. i'm sure it's a decision i'll regret later, but again-- soooooo beyond caring right now & like i mentioned in an earlier post, i have decided to go with whatever brings me any small bit of happiness. so down with the boot!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
bye.
i think i need to avoid all human contact for a while, as i am veering wildly between happy zen mother, murderous raging psycho & sobbing soggy mess.
i'm going to gather my babies & retreat from the world. if & when i regain my sanity, i'll be back.
i'm going to gather my babies & retreat from the world. if & when i regain my sanity, i'll be back.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
forget everything
i said in my last post. i have to have this baby soon or i am going to lose my mind.
physically? i'm fine. emotionally? total wreck.
i think i'm going to spend the rest of the evening trying to regain my zen before i crack.
physically? i'm fine. emotionally? total wreck.
i think i'm going to spend the rest of the evening trying to regain my zen before i crack.
a new perspective
after a fairly sleepless & cranky night (on my part, not the guys-- they slept from 730pm til 8am!!) i woke up in a surprisingly cheerful mood, & decided to spend the morning outside with my goobers. amazing the change a little sunshine can bring.
i'm still all contract-y & uncomfortable, but i have decided all the minor chaos going on with my uterus lately is just some kind of annoying pre-labor & not a lead up to the real thing. (or its a loooong lead up, since obviously labor at some point becomes inevitable.) that said, my new prediction is that 3 will stay put until the 1st & our scheduled birthday, albiet with lots of contractions & backaches & other fun (i.e. miesrable) activities in the meantime. so since i'm going to be pregnant for another 11 days, (i'm not counting the 1st itself, since that's b-day), i might as well make the best of it.
so i am going to endevour to embrace the discomfort. i will hang out with con & val, wear pajamas every day & eat nothing but ice cream if that's what i feel like doing. i will play in the garden, chase caterpillars with the boys, build giant towers of blocks & read goodnight moon as many times as it's handed to me. i will remind myself that the sleeplessness is temporary, & soon enough i will have another small person to keep me company (& keep me awake) latenight. i will tell myself daily that i have not yet gone into labor bc 3 is not yet ready to arrive, & every extra day spent curled up cozy inside means we will take home a chubbier, healthier baby. i will remind myself of all the kind & loving things my husband has done over the years, so that i do not attempt to kill him in a psycho pregnant frenzy.
in short, i am going to ignore the contractions and enjoy my boys, even when they're screaming & fussy beyond belief, bc these are the last few days we will have as a family of 4 & i am determined NOT to go crazy until i am officially a mother of 3 kids under 2.
i'm still all contract-y & uncomfortable, but i have decided all the minor chaos going on with my uterus lately is just some kind of annoying pre-labor & not a lead up to the real thing. (or its a loooong lead up, since obviously labor at some point becomes inevitable.) that said, my new prediction is that 3 will stay put until the 1st & our scheduled birthday, albiet with lots of contractions & backaches & other fun (i.e. miesrable) activities in the meantime. so since i'm going to be pregnant for another 11 days, (i'm not counting the 1st itself, since that's b-day), i might as well make the best of it.
so i am going to endevour to embrace the discomfort. i will hang out with con & val, wear pajamas every day & eat nothing but ice cream if that's what i feel like doing. i will play in the garden, chase caterpillars with the boys, build giant towers of blocks & read goodnight moon as many times as it's handed to me. i will remind myself that the sleeplessness is temporary, & soon enough i will have another small person to keep me company (& keep me awake) latenight. i will tell myself daily that i have not yet gone into labor bc 3 is not yet ready to arrive, & every extra day spent curled up cozy inside means we will take home a chubbier, healthier baby. i will remind myself of all the kind & loving things my husband has done over the years, so that i do not attempt to kill him in a psycho pregnant frenzy.
in short, i am going to ignore the contractions and enjoy my boys, even when they're screaming & fussy beyond belief, bc these are the last few days we will have as a family of 4 & i am determined NOT to go crazy until i am officially a mother of 3 kids under 2.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
perogis, part II
in response to questions:
perogis are kind of like a polish dumpling. they're little dough pockets stuffed with filling, usually potato or cheese, altho i usually do mine with saurkraut, bacon & sour cream, per N's preference.
yup, they are completely from scratch & one of the few polish dishes i really do well (if i do say so myself). they are a HUGE pain to make, but i always make a huge batch & freeze them (which is why i made them now, so we can have them to munch on after 3 gets here.)
N is really good about eating all my spicy armenian/lebanese cooking, so i learned how to do his grandma's (aka busia's) kapusta & perogis so i can give the poor polock a treat on occasion.
next on my list of cooking to freeze is a giant batch of pasties (they're a northen michigan thing) but they'll be happening tomorrow, as i need a break after the perogi marathon!
oh-- if where i am was just a bit closer to hamtramck, we would totally hit up the polish shops for N... maybe this summer i'll drag him out there anyways so he can have a taste of home :)
perogis are kind of like a polish dumpling. they're little dough pockets stuffed with filling, usually potato or cheese, altho i usually do mine with saurkraut, bacon & sour cream, per N's preference.
yup, they are completely from scratch & one of the few polish dishes i really do well (if i do say so myself). they are a HUGE pain to make, but i always make a huge batch & freeze them (which is why i made them now, so we can have them to munch on after 3 gets here.)
N is really good about eating all my spicy armenian/lebanese cooking, so i learned how to do his grandma's (aka busia's) kapusta & perogis so i can give the poor polock a treat on occasion.
next on my list of cooking to freeze is a giant batch of pasties (they're a northen michigan thing) but they'll be happening tomorrow, as i need a break after the perogi marathon!
oh-- if where i am was just a bit closer to hamtramck, we would totally hit up the polish shops for N... maybe this summer i'll drag him out there anyways so he can have a taste of home :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
everyone is sick, & i am going to be pregnant forever.
sound dramatic? sorry, i'm a bit punchy.
conrad woke up at 5 with a ridiculous fever, i got it down to 100 ish with ty.lenol (generic), but have been unable to put him down all day, which is rough bc val is still sick too (altho not quite as sick as his bro.) took the guys to the doc, & its a virus, so there's nothing we can do but tylen.ol, etc. except-- conrad has lost a half pound in just a few days. not a huge deal for a kid not fighting GERD & weight loss on a good day, but for con it's bad news & if we can't get him eating/drinking again ASAP we're in trouble (doc's words & i am so determined to get him eating i didn't even ask what "trouble" meant.) so i got ice cream & pudding & avocados & other delicious treats (his favs) in an attempt to get him to eat. no luck so far, but he is drinking a little again & i'm hoping when he wakes he'll be up for a little munching. val, on the other hand, has decided that as long as i'm going to feed him ice cream, he'll eat again. not as much as usual, but at least he's eating.
oh & N is getting sick now too.
& i am recovering from my sick, but still having random bouts of nausea (pg related i'm sure) & contrax all day, that won't get regular enough for me to think i'm in labor, but are regular enough to make me super uncomfortable & miserable, & keep me awake for the better part of the night. & once i'm alseep, it's pretty much a guarantee that a poor little sicky will wake up & need mama. i don't begrudge the boys the time, but i could really do without the uselses contractions.
so, according to murphy's law & our good luck, i will either be super contract-y & miserable until june, left to care for all these sickies by my 9-mo. pregnant lonesome, OR i will go into labor like, tomorrow, while everyone is horribly sick, so that i'll be bringing a new baby home to a cess-pool of germs & a daddy unable to help.
p.s. on ta.bitha's salon ta.keover that's on in rerun right now (crappy show, i know....) you can see my old apartment in boystown in chi..cago i don't miss much of chi, but i did love that apartment....
conrad woke up at 5 with a ridiculous fever, i got it down to 100 ish with ty.lenol (generic), but have been unable to put him down all day, which is rough bc val is still sick too (altho not quite as sick as his bro.) took the guys to the doc, & its a virus, so there's nothing we can do but tylen.ol, etc. except-- conrad has lost a half pound in just a few days. not a huge deal for a kid not fighting GERD & weight loss on a good day, but for con it's bad news & if we can't get him eating/drinking again ASAP we're in trouble (doc's words & i am so determined to get him eating i didn't even ask what "trouble" meant.) so i got ice cream & pudding & avocados & other delicious treats (his favs) in an attempt to get him to eat. no luck so far, but he is drinking a little again & i'm hoping when he wakes he'll be up for a little munching. val, on the other hand, has decided that as long as i'm going to feed him ice cream, he'll eat again. not as much as usual, but at least he's eating.
oh & N is getting sick now too.
& i am recovering from my sick, but still having random bouts of nausea (pg related i'm sure) & contrax all day, that won't get regular enough for me to think i'm in labor, but are regular enough to make me super uncomfortable & miserable, & keep me awake for the better part of the night. & once i'm alseep, it's pretty much a guarantee that a poor little sicky will wake up & need mama. i don't begrudge the boys the time, but i could really do without the uselses contractions.
so, according to murphy's law & our good luck, i will either be super contract-y & miserable until june, left to care for all these sickies by my 9-mo. pregnant lonesome, OR i will go into labor like, tomorrow, while everyone is horribly sick, so that i'll be bringing a new baby home to a cess-pool of germs & a daddy unable to help.
p.s. on ta.bitha's salon ta.keover that's on in rerun right now (crappy show, i know....) you can see my old apartment in boystown in chi..cago i don't miss much of chi, but i did love that apartment....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
belly/baby pics
here is the 37 week belly. (yeah, i know i have no head & its a 3/4 view... N isn't the best photographer & i was in a rush to shower after being in the garden all afternoon. so i figured a bad picture was better than none!)
& for fun, here's the boys at 37 weeks, not quite 3 weeks old & still in the NICU. so tiny & sweet.... makes me look forward to meeting #3 all the more, especially since we'll get to take 3 home with us right away! :)
& for fun, here's the boys at 37 weeks, not quite 3 weeks old & still in the NICU. so tiny & sweet.... makes me look forward to meeting #3 all the more, especially since we'll get to take 3 home with us right away! :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
10 reasons i love my life right now (or: a break from the whiney preggo rants)
1. conrad is GAINING weight! he's spunkier than ever & definetly feeling his wheaties lately, & i am SO thrilled. val has his playmate back, & both my guys are on the growth charts! :)
2. i got the start of my garden today.
3. N & i got to go to breakfast all by ourselves this morning, thanks to my wonderful mom. i can't remember the last time we went anywhere together without kids. it was awesome.
4. N finally opened up about what's been stressing him. (the expense of another baby. i figured that was it, but am glad he finally TALKED to me about it. we re-did our budget & planned out our next few months & i think he's feeling more in control again.)
5. despite my total lack of confidence in my looks lately & the fact that i've gained a ton of weight, lots more stretch marks & permanent dark circles under my eyes, for about an hour today my husband made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
6. the guys are learning so much lately, everyday they find something new & it is an absolute joy to watch them discover the world.
7. we got our first peek at 3's face. there was still an arm thrown across it, but from what i could see, 3's going to be pretty cute!
8. we have (almost everything) we need for 3!!
9. N is marinating ribs right now for a bbq tomorrow :)
10. i actually had a few spare moments to reflect on how incredibly lucky i am to live this life. uplifting introspective moments have become rare for me lately, & it was nice to be reminded how lucky we really are.
2. i got the start of my garden today.
3. N & i got to go to breakfast all by ourselves this morning, thanks to my wonderful mom. i can't remember the last time we went anywhere together without kids. it was awesome.
4. N finally opened up about what's been stressing him. (the expense of another baby. i figured that was it, but am glad he finally TALKED to me about it. we re-did our budget & planned out our next few months & i think he's feeling more in control again.)
5. despite my total lack of confidence in my looks lately & the fact that i've gained a ton of weight, lots more stretch marks & permanent dark circles under my eyes, for about an hour today my husband made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
6. the guys are learning so much lately, everyday they find something new & it is an absolute joy to watch them discover the world.
7. we got our first peek at 3's face. there was still an arm thrown across it, but from what i could see, 3's going to be pretty cute!
8. we have (almost everything) we need for 3!!
9. N is marinating ribs right now for a bbq tomorrow :)
10. i actually had a few spare moments to reflect on how incredibly lucky i am to live this life. uplifting introspective moments have become rare for me lately, & it was nice to be reminded how lucky we really are.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
just call me calamity jane
so in the last month, i've broken my heel (which now won't freaking heal), caught some sort of evil flu bug, & now both the guys have croup.
oh, & just to keep things interesting, some stupid teenager pulled a gun on his girlfriend's mom right up the street from us & then took off running through our neighborhood. N tells me he's probably holed up in a house around the corner, so the boys and i will be hiding indoors for the rest of the day.
if this is some kind of mean joke the universe is playing on this poor preggo, i do wish it would stop, as i'm rapidly approaching my limit.
oh, & just to keep things interesting, some stupid teenager pulled a gun on his girlfriend's mom right up the street from us & then took off running through our neighborhood. N tells me he's probably holed up in a house around the corner, so the boys and i will be hiding indoors for the rest of the day.
if this is some kind of mean joke the universe is playing on this poor preggo, i do wish it would stop, as i'm rapidly approaching my limit.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
10 quirks
yup, i stole this. it looked like fun & i have nothing to say that's not whiney so i thought i'd blog this instead of complaining.
1. i hate public pooping. i get that sometimes it's unavoidable, but smelling some strangers sh*t grosses me out so much i will about face & run from any public bathroom if there is a hint of poop funk in the air.
2. i think spiders are evil. i cannot stand them & use our cat felon to kill them when N is unavailable.
3. i LOVE sunglasses & own at least 20 pairs. they just make me happy. i think it's bc i wore glasses for so many years & could never wear sunglasses, so now that i can (contacts) i go a bit overboard.
4. altho i love being a SAHM, i still feel residual guilt for not using any of my expensive degrees anymore, & worry that people think i'm a bit of a loser for chosing this life instead of the prestige & money. & i do miss the money....
5. i cannot live without IB.C rootbeer.
6. i'm scared of chemicals & am psycho about feeding the kids only organic everything & using only kid & animal safe cleaners. (lots of vinegar & baking soda, & method cleaners.) my mom & most of my friends think i'm nuts.
7. i don't think i will ever wear shorts again, & have serious doubts about wearing a bathing suit. i hate stretch marks, & have so many on my legs (including all around my calves) from the guys that have only gotten worse with this pregnancy, i'm not sure i'll ever feel comfortable showing much skin again. which is odd for me, since i used to be very confident with how i looked, & now i find myself trying to come to terms with the "new" me & struggling.
8. i used to be a fan of sex with eyes wide open, but ever since the boys' pregnancy i keep them tight shut. not bc i don't want to see N, but bc i don't want to accidentally catch a glimpse of me.
9. i don't miss meat & am planning on staying a (mostly) vegetarian after 3 is born.
10. i don't really mind waking up with the boys at 3 in the morning. they're so sweet & cuddley & i treasure the quiet moments with them. altho i know it drives N nuts, i'm not ready to give it up yet & am glad they aren't ready either.
1. i hate public pooping. i get that sometimes it's unavoidable, but smelling some strangers sh*t grosses me out so much i will about face & run from any public bathroom if there is a hint of poop funk in the air.
2. i think spiders are evil. i cannot stand them & use our cat felon to kill them when N is unavailable.
3. i LOVE sunglasses & own at least 20 pairs. they just make me happy. i think it's bc i wore glasses for so many years & could never wear sunglasses, so now that i can (contacts) i go a bit overboard.
4. altho i love being a SAHM, i still feel residual guilt for not using any of my expensive degrees anymore, & worry that people think i'm a bit of a loser for chosing this life instead of the prestige & money. & i do miss the money....
5. i cannot live without IB.C rootbeer.
6. i'm scared of chemicals & am psycho about feeding the kids only organic everything & using only kid & animal safe cleaners. (lots of vinegar & baking soda, & method cleaners.) my mom & most of my friends think i'm nuts.
7. i don't think i will ever wear shorts again, & have serious doubts about wearing a bathing suit. i hate stretch marks, & have so many on my legs (including all around my calves) from the guys that have only gotten worse with this pregnancy, i'm not sure i'll ever feel comfortable showing much skin again. which is odd for me, since i used to be very confident with how i looked, & now i find myself trying to come to terms with the "new" me & struggling.
8. i used to be a fan of sex with eyes wide open, but ever since the boys' pregnancy i keep them tight shut. not bc i don't want to see N, but bc i don't want to accidentally catch a glimpse of me.
9. i don't miss meat & am planning on staying a (mostly) vegetarian after 3 is born.
10. i don't really mind waking up with the boys at 3 in the morning. they're so sweet & cuddley & i treasure the quiet moments with them. altho i know it drives N nuts, i'm not ready to give it up yet & am glad they aren't ready either.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
life after loss
bc i am home alone with just my goobers today (N is working--we did our little mother's day celebration on friday with my folks), & i'm waiting for my tomatoes to roast for lunch (altho i have no chocolate shake, so i'm settling for chocolate milk) i actually have a minute to blog & be thoughtful, so please excuse the introspective post today.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
i smell.
i am too tired to do more than wipe the remains of conrad's dinner out of my hair.
i smell like vomit.
i smell like vomit.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
musings at t-minus 26 days
is it wrong that i am sort of more excited about simply not being pregnant anymore than i am about having another baby?
we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.
i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.
i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.
to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.
we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.
i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.
i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.
to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.
Monday, May 3, 2010
28 days left & i'm on the warpath
28 days at most & i am getting antsy.
well, antsy & b*tchy.
i had to restrain myself from making snide comments to a old work buddy on fb today when she announced that she & her hubs are expecting twins. i also had to restrain myself from jumping down N's throat yesterday for spending 4 hrs visiting with his parents, who he never sees. i had to stop myself from yelling at my mom for not getting enough fabric to make 2 curtains for 3's room. i find myself having to bite my tongue to keep from saying things like "wuss" to my friend who keeps talking about how difficult it is to be a SAHM to her one child. in short, i am acting like a big brat & driving even myself nuts.
i never felt like this with the boys, bc my overwhelming emotion was fear. i'm not afraid this time, just cranky as h*ll. & when even i felt cranky with the twins, i also felt justified in my b*tchiness after months of bedrest & constant fear & stress. this time, i have zero justifiable reasons to be a jerk & yet cannot stop myself from wanting to lash out at anyone & everyone.
mercifully, the only people excaping my wrath right now are the little dudes. somehow the complete lack of patience doesn't seem to extend to them & i am grateful for that. however, if 3 takes another 28 days to get here, we may be making it on our own, since i seriously doubt there will be anyone left who wants to deal with me by then, except perhaps my babies.
well, antsy & b*tchy.
i had to restrain myself from making snide comments to a old work buddy on fb today when she announced that she & her hubs are expecting twins. i also had to restrain myself from jumping down N's throat yesterday for spending 4 hrs visiting with his parents, who he never sees. i had to stop myself from yelling at my mom for not getting enough fabric to make 2 curtains for 3's room. i find myself having to bite my tongue to keep from saying things like "wuss" to my friend who keeps talking about how difficult it is to be a SAHM to her one child. in short, i am acting like a big brat & driving even myself nuts.
i never felt like this with the boys, bc my overwhelming emotion was fear. i'm not afraid this time, just cranky as h*ll. & when even i felt cranky with the twins, i also felt justified in my b*tchiness after months of bedrest & constant fear & stress. this time, i have zero justifiable reasons to be a jerk & yet cannot stop myself from wanting to lash out at anyone & everyone.
mercifully, the only people excaping my wrath right now are the little dudes. somehow the complete lack of patience doesn't seem to extend to them & i am grateful for that. however, if 3 takes another 28 days to get here, we may be making it on our own, since i seriously doubt there will be anyone left who wants to deal with me by then, except perhaps my babies.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
more photos in lieu of writing
Because no one really wants to read another whiney pregnant lady blog, here are some more recent pics of my little dudes.
on the swings at the park, waiting for daddy to get his act together & get to pushing.
on the swings at the park, waiting for daddy to get his act together & get to pushing.
conrad with one of my aunts, enjoying being the center of attention.
val, being a big boy & going down the slide all by himself! (mom was waiting to catch him at the end.)
& now to return to laying on my couch, ignoring the bottles soaking my sink. happy sunday everyone!
& now to return to laying on my couch, ignoring the bottles soaking my sink. happy sunday everyone!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
i think it's working! (knock wood)
as an update for those i haven't talked to yet: i'm not sure whether i posted about con's GERD here or not, so here's the background, in brief--
his reflux was not well controlled on meds & he was losing weight (pounds of it) despite being on enough pre.vacid for a grown man, so we got referred to a surgeon for a fundoplica.tion as a last resort. (fundoplic.ation= scary stomach surgery, with a large chance of being only a temporary fix & an awful recovery for conrad.) when we saw the surgeon, he had miraculously gained a little weight back & bc the risks of this surgery are so great for such a little guy, (he's very small, the recurence rate is close to 90% for kids who have a fundo.plication before age 2, general anethesia is esepcially dangerous for babies with GERD, the recovery is long & really awful bc it would impact his entire digestive system, & the list goes on), the surgeon advocated waiting another 6 mos to make a decision. as long as we can keep him comfortable on the pre.vacid & get him back on a normal growth curve, we can wait. there's no guarantee he won't need the surgery in the future, but the older he is the safer it will be.
anyways-- the kid is now on a high fat diet to gain weight.
problem: high fat & reflux are a BAD combination, & the new diet brought the GERD back in force, with all of its nastiest symptoms & lots of pain for conrad.
thanks to some wonderful friends & lots of research, we (i think) have the boy on a program that actually works!!! we front load the fatty stuff-- cream in his milk, ranch dressing at lunch (yup, ranch! apparently preemie taste buds hate bland & he has done MUCH better eating since we've spiced up his chow), & lost of snacks in the morning & early afternoon, & then we remove the high fat/high cal stuff for dinner & bedtime snacks. so far-- minimal puking & only occasional mild reflux attacks, & he seems MUCH more comfortable.
i'm really hopefuly this will work & we can get him gaining again... so please, keep fingers crossed, rub a lucky rabbbit's foot, or just think some "healthy kid" vibes for him!
his reflux was not well controlled on meds & he was losing weight (pounds of it) despite being on enough pre.vacid for a grown man, so we got referred to a surgeon for a fundoplica.tion as a last resort. (fundoplic.ation= scary stomach surgery, with a large chance of being only a temporary fix & an awful recovery for conrad.) when we saw the surgeon, he had miraculously gained a little weight back & bc the risks of this surgery are so great for such a little guy, (he's very small, the recurence rate is close to 90% for kids who have a fundo.plication before age 2, general anethesia is esepcially dangerous for babies with GERD, the recovery is long & really awful bc it would impact his entire digestive system, & the list goes on), the surgeon advocated waiting another 6 mos to make a decision. as long as we can keep him comfortable on the pre.vacid & get him back on a normal growth curve, we can wait. there's no guarantee he won't need the surgery in the future, but the older he is the safer it will be.
anyways-- the kid is now on a high fat diet to gain weight.
problem: high fat & reflux are a BAD combination, & the new diet brought the GERD back in force, with all of its nastiest symptoms & lots of pain for conrad.
thanks to some wonderful friends & lots of research, we (i think) have the boy on a program that actually works!!! we front load the fatty stuff-- cream in his milk, ranch dressing at lunch (yup, ranch! apparently preemie taste buds hate bland & he has done MUCH better eating since we've spiced up his chow), & lost of snacks in the morning & early afternoon, & then we remove the high fat/high cal stuff for dinner & bedtime snacks. so far-- minimal puking & only occasional mild reflux attacks, & he seems MUCH more comfortable.
i'm really hopefuly this will work & we can get him gaining again... so please, keep fingers crossed, rub a lucky rabbbit's foot, or just think some "healthy kid" vibes for him!
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