- i miss my "big" kids. conrad & emma have been sick the past few days, which has been especially hard since they just want to cuddle mama. when emma started the day today crying "no milo, no!" i gave up & handed him off to N for a while, despite the cries, so i could cuddle my sicky girl.
- milo is a velcro baby. pretty much cries if he's not being held at all times. totally fine by me, i think babies SHOULD be velcroed to mom most of the time. however, this is much harder to pull off successfully with 3 toddlers running loose. i love my moby wrap, but even moby can't save me all of the time.
- i am seriosuly stressed over how i am going to pull things off when N goes back to work. i really thought adding one more to the mix wouldn't be that rough. after all, the jump from 2 to 3 wasn't a big deal. 3 to 4, however, is a much different story. things have gotten exponentially harder & it seems to be universally true for all parents of 4 who i've discussed this with. maybe someday i'll explore why, but for now, it's enough to know that it simply IS harder. much harder.
- to that end, i am attempting to simplify life in the coming weeks by freezing a bunch of dinners to reheat on days when N works. i refuse to feed everyone quickie dinners all the time, but i know i will have zero time to cook. hopefully i can keep this up & make several freezer meals each week to use as needed. so far i have fish cakes & veggie burgers on ice, & a few more dishes ready to be cooked & frozen once i have the freezer space. (N needs to defrost our seconf freezer. yup, we have 2 freezers.)
- the animals are all feeling neglected & acting obnoxious. they don't seem to understand when i tell them it will be a couple months before we find a new normal.
- somehow, despite the sleeplessness & spit-up, knowing milo is the last makes everything easier to take. i have yet to get frustrated at being awake all night long, or having puke run down my cleavage in my last clean bra, or get plain old fed up at holding a baby 24/7. even the stinky, messy, 4am moments are precious when you know it's the last time. i think bc i know how much i'll miss it. i've never been one who loved being pregnant, but i really do love a new baby.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
milo's birth story
EDIT: i'm going to guess that the grammar/spelling is really horrid here. sorry, i just don't want to go back over this enough to fix the typos. i am putting post here only as a means to purge the negative from my mind & my memories, & leave me with only the sense of peace that seeing my littlest boy for the first time brought me.
fyi- if you're planning on a c-section, this is NOT the post for you!
for most of the 2nd & 3rd, i felt *off*. like SOMETHING was going to happen, but i was so miserable & we had a c-section scheduled for the 9th, i talked myself out of believing we were actually close. (althoough, oddly enough, i did spend most of the 3rd doing last minute things that i knew no one else would do, "just in case".) 230am on the 4th, i woke up to pee, took a triup to the bathroom, laid back down in bed then REALLY had to pee & made it to the bathroom just in time for my water to break. (i went through this exact same scenario with the twins too, so it was very deja vu for me.) i yelled for N, who sprang into action, called my mom & our OB & threw the last of our stuff into a bag. my mom arrived within 10 minutes & we too off for the hospital.
with the twins, i labored for several hours before they decided a c-section was critical, & was only a 4 when we went back to the OR, & with emma, i only labored about 2 hours & was a 2 when we headed to the OR, so we weren't expecting things to move that quickly. milo had other ideas however, & even though it was only an hour from when we arrived to when we were in the OR, things moved very fast. while they were still prepping me for surgery, started feeling like i needed to push (do i need to add here that the contractions were ridiculous at this point? i am not someone who ever planned on a medication-free birth & progressing that quickly with a footling breach who was supposed to be surgically delivered was not only not fun, but pretty scary.)
at that point, my mild-mannered OB started yelling for the anesthetist, who finally showed up & did a spinal. this is also where things really started not to go well. the spinal didn't work on my right side. at all. they tipped me on pillows, moved things around, tested & re-tested to see if it worked & nothing changed. (i was also alone this whole time, bc N was waiting for the ok to come in.) my doc finally says the baby HAS to be born & to proceed with a local. they tell me if the local doesn't work, i'll be put under a general anesthetic & N will be asked to leave. i am paraoind about missing my baby's birth, & worried about WHY he has to be born RIGHT NOW, so i just nod & try not to cry. N comes in & looks worried. the whole atmostphere is very different from our delivery with emma, or even with the twins. everyone is tense & quiet, & the anesthetist is hovering over me like a some kind of giant bumblebee (all i can remember about that doctor is that she was wearing an awful yellow-striped headband.)
so they start the surgery & the local anesthetic is ok at first, but the sensations of pressure that are normal get worse the further they cut & by the time they reach the baby, it's not pressure-- it's pain & i am screaming on the table. things got a bit better after they got milo out (N told me later they kept pumping me full of morphine), & i got a peek at his perfect, furious little face before they took him off to get checked out. at that point, they started putting me back together, which was worse than being taken apart in the first place. i cannot describe what it felt like, other than to tell you to imagine having abdominal surgery with no anesthesia. i told N to go with the baby, then totally lost it for a while until i woke up while they were fixing my scar (i apparently had a lot of scar tissue that had to be removed.) N showed me pictures of milo, & i remember hearing one of the docs ask "what are we going to do about her bleeding?" before things got hazy again. i remember waking up in recovery with milo & N waiting for me. i remember apologies from the doctors, & lots more morphine, & bleeding like crazy in recovery, & honestly-- it's all stuff i'd rather not dwell on. i've delayed posting anything about milo's birth bc i really don't want to relive it. it was beautiful only in the sense that my sweet boy is here safely, but i'd much prefer to focus on the afterwards part, where i could spend hours staring at his prefect little face & forget everything else while contemplating the whirls in his hair & his tiny monkey toes.
i'm ok, & milo is perfect, so all in all, it could have been much worse. i'm not angry or upset with the hospital or the docs. i really believe they did the best they could to keep my baby safe. in the end, all i really wanted was to be able to go home with all 4 of my kids, & since that's where i am now, i suppose "all's well that ends well" applies in this situation as well as anywhere. the joy i feel in my family outweighs everything else, & i am grateful for that & the safe delivery of my milo.
fyi- if you're planning on a c-section, this is NOT the post for you!
for most of the 2nd & 3rd, i felt *off*. like SOMETHING was going to happen, but i was so miserable & we had a c-section scheduled for the 9th, i talked myself out of believing we were actually close. (althoough, oddly enough, i did spend most of the 3rd doing last minute things that i knew no one else would do, "just in case".) 230am on the 4th, i woke up to pee, took a triup to the bathroom, laid back down in bed then REALLY had to pee & made it to the bathroom just in time for my water to break. (i went through this exact same scenario with the twins too, so it was very deja vu for me.) i yelled for N, who sprang into action, called my mom & our OB & threw the last of our stuff into a bag. my mom arrived within 10 minutes & we too off for the hospital.
with the twins, i labored for several hours before they decided a c-section was critical, & was only a 4 when we went back to the OR, & with emma, i only labored about 2 hours & was a 2 when we headed to the OR, so we weren't expecting things to move that quickly. milo had other ideas however, & even though it was only an hour from when we arrived to when we were in the OR, things moved very fast. while they were still prepping me for surgery, started feeling like i needed to push (do i need to add here that the contractions were ridiculous at this point? i am not someone who ever planned on a medication-free birth & progressing that quickly with a footling breach who was supposed to be surgically delivered was not only not fun, but pretty scary.)
at that point, my mild-mannered OB started yelling for the anesthetist, who finally showed up & did a spinal. this is also where things really started not to go well. the spinal didn't work on my right side. at all. they tipped me on pillows, moved things around, tested & re-tested to see if it worked & nothing changed. (i was also alone this whole time, bc N was waiting for the ok to come in.) my doc finally says the baby HAS to be born & to proceed with a local. they tell me if the local doesn't work, i'll be put under a general anesthetic & N will be asked to leave. i am paraoind about missing my baby's birth, & worried about WHY he has to be born RIGHT NOW, so i just nod & try not to cry. N comes in & looks worried. the whole atmostphere is very different from our delivery with emma, or even with the twins. everyone is tense & quiet, & the anesthetist is hovering over me like a some kind of giant bumblebee (all i can remember about that doctor is that she was wearing an awful yellow-striped headband.)
so they start the surgery & the local anesthetic is ok at first, but the sensations of pressure that are normal get worse the further they cut & by the time they reach the baby, it's not pressure-- it's pain & i am screaming on the table. things got a bit better after they got milo out (N told me later they kept pumping me full of morphine), & i got a peek at his perfect, furious little face before they took him off to get checked out. at that point, they started putting me back together, which was worse than being taken apart in the first place. i cannot describe what it felt like, other than to tell you to imagine having abdominal surgery with no anesthesia. i told N to go with the baby, then totally lost it for a while until i woke up while they were fixing my scar (i apparently had a lot of scar tissue that had to be removed.) N showed me pictures of milo, & i remember hearing one of the docs ask "what are we going to do about her bleeding?" before things got hazy again. i remember waking up in recovery with milo & N waiting for me. i remember apologies from the doctors, & lots more morphine, & bleeding like crazy in recovery, & honestly-- it's all stuff i'd rather not dwell on. i've delayed posting anything about milo's birth bc i really don't want to relive it. it was beautiful only in the sense that my sweet boy is here safely, but i'd much prefer to focus on the afterwards part, where i could spend hours staring at his prefect little face & forget everything else while contemplating the whirls in his hair & his tiny monkey toes.
i'm ok, & milo is perfect, so all in all, it could have been much worse. i'm not angry or upset with the hospital or the docs. i really believe they did the best they could to keep my baby safe. in the end, all i really wanted was to be able to go home with all 4 of my kids, & since that's where i am now, i suppose "all's well that ends well" applies in this situation as well as anywhere. the joy i feel in my family outweighs everything else, & i am grateful for that & the safe delivery of my milo.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Meet Milo Joseph!
the original love of my life, with my newest love.
Milo Joseph P. was born at 4:40am on January 4. 8'9" and 21 inches long. he is beautiful, and completely charming in every imaginable way. N & i are thrilled with our sweet boy, & i am so loving having a newborn again that the lack of sleep isn't even a bother.
i'll post a full birth story when i have a few minutes to myself. (Milo is on a clusterfeeding bender at the moment!) but i at least wanted to update that baby BOY is here & healthy.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
losing it
why are all these famous people suddenly doing weight loss commercials? i just saw 3 in a row-- jennifer hudson, janet jackson & mariah carey. all pushing weight loss plans. & know it's new year resolution time & all, but geez.
not to knock the plans if they work but my personal weight loss plan for this new year is to nurse the weight off! pretty sure that wouldn't make a very tv-friendly commercial, although i do wish women took a more relaxed approach to weight loss after baby. no matter how much you gain, it takes 9 mos to put it all on, so why on earth would you think it would come off in 2 months? it took me 6 months to not feel chubby after emma, & another 5 months after that to be at a weight i was happy with. granted, that was a slow weight loss, but i tend to gain quite a bit when pregnant & prefer to lose without suffering. most of us don't have personal trainers, personal chefs, or 3 hours a day to spend at the gym, so why beat your self up if it takes a bit longer to lose the weight?
(i say this all with the caveat that i'm sure i will at some point be bummed out & complain about the residual tummy-squish that will take months to disapear. i'm only human, after all!)
not to knock the plans if they work but my personal weight loss plan for this new year is to nurse the weight off! pretty sure that wouldn't make a very tv-friendly commercial, although i do wish women took a more relaxed approach to weight loss after baby. no matter how much you gain, it takes 9 mos to put it all on, so why on earth would you think it would come off in 2 months? it took me 6 months to not feel chubby after emma, & another 5 months after that to be at a weight i was happy with. granted, that was a slow weight loss, but i tend to gain quite a bit when pregnant & prefer to lose without suffering. most of us don't have personal trainers, personal chefs, or 3 hours a day to spend at the gym, so why beat your self up if it takes a bit longer to lose the weight?
(i say this all with the caveat that i'm sure i will at some point be bummed out & complain about the residual tummy-squish that will take months to disapear. i'm only human, after all!)
Monday, January 2, 2012
it's my party & i can cry if i want to.
ok, so it's not so much a party as a blog, but whatever.
i am beyond glad there is a definite end date for this pregnancy. only 6 days left (i don't count today or the day of), & if it were any longer, i think i would be spending most of my days in tears. i have NEVER been so uncomfortable, including when i was carrying the twins, & then i had separated ribs. (although then i was also on bedrest & not chasing 3 little hoodlums around. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't want to be in the same situation again, i'm just saying-- it's easier to be miserable when you don't HAVE to function. 3 kids requires a functioning mom no matter what i feel like.)
N has been working non-stop, & will be right up until the 9th. i am exhausted, i hurt, & i'm sick of useless contractions, random nausea, obnoxious bouts of diarrhea & constant hip & back pain.
i've been relying on my mom to come help with the kiddos the past few days, mostly bc i want them to have fun this week, since it's their last "normal" week for a while. they're all old enough to stress about a new baby & no one is used to having mom gone for as long as i'll have to be in the hospital, so i really want them to have a normal, fun week & not lay around & watch sesame street all day (which is pretty much all i'm up for flying solo, & all i'll be up for once i get home for a while. i hate c-section recoveries.)
so we played in the snow this morning. the guys discovered snow balls & snow men, & emma discovered the difficulties of falling down in a snow suit. i'm counting on still-new christmas toys to help entertain us all this afternoon, & a heating pad to keep me functioning til bedtime.
6 more days. i can do this.
i am beyond glad there is a definite end date for this pregnancy. only 6 days left (i don't count today or the day of), & if it were any longer, i think i would be spending most of my days in tears. i have NEVER been so uncomfortable, including when i was carrying the twins, & then i had separated ribs. (although then i was also on bedrest & not chasing 3 little hoodlums around. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't want to be in the same situation again, i'm just saying-- it's easier to be miserable when you don't HAVE to function. 3 kids requires a functioning mom no matter what i feel like.)
N has been working non-stop, & will be right up until the 9th. i am exhausted, i hurt, & i'm sick of useless contractions, random nausea, obnoxious bouts of diarrhea & constant hip & back pain.
i've been relying on my mom to come help with the kiddos the past few days, mostly bc i want them to have fun this week, since it's their last "normal" week for a while. they're all old enough to stress about a new baby & no one is used to having mom gone for as long as i'll have to be in the hospital, so i really want them to have a normal, fun week & not lay around & watch sesame street all day (which is pretty much all i'm up for flying solo, & all i'll be up for once i get home for a while. i hate c-section recoveries.)
so we played in the snow this morning. the guys discovered snow balls & snow men, & emma discovered the difficulties of falling down in a snow suit. i'm counting on still-new christmas toys to help entertain us all this afternoon, & a heating pad to keep me functioning til bedtime.
6 more days. i can do this.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
happy new year
i've never been a new years person. for years it's been my least favorite holiday. i think it's over-hyped & just not that fun, honestly. & the whole 'new beginning" thing? well, if you aren't happy with something in your life, why are you wating until the new year to change it? make the effort to be the person you want to be year round, & new years is just another day.
i suppose it IS a good excuse for a party, but for me, it's a relief to have little kids & great excuse to stay home.
N worked a double yesterday (& again today) so he was mostly MIA, but my folks came over & brought pizza & brownies & a bunch of silly hats & horns for the kids. my mom hung out long enough after dinner to help me put the hoard to bed (super awesome of her, since this kid has now shifted lower & is giving me really awful sciatic pain) & i got to be in bed & ASLEEP by 10pm. it was lovely.
i suppose it IS a good excuse for a party, but for me, it's a relief to have little kids & great excuse to stay home.
N worked a double yesterday (& again today) so he was mostly MIA, but my folks came over & brought pizza & brownies & a bunch of silly hats & horns for the kids. my mom hung out long enough after dinner to help me put the hoard to bed (super awesome of her, since this kid has now shifted lower & is giving me really awful sciatic pain) & i got to be in bed & ASLEEP by 10pm. it was lovely.
Friday, December 30, 2011
baby #4 update
totally effaced, fingertip dilated. (i didn't dilate at all with em til i was in labor, & it's a c-sec again , so i'm not sure why we checked, but oh well.) baby is in a "very unusual presentation" per my OB. it's a footling breach, with the head by my belly button, butt to the side, one leg straight out into my hip & the other straight down in my crotch, so a foot & the back of one knee are against my cervix. he also thinks there may be cord issues that are preventing baby from turning, & said if this didn't already have to be a c-sec, it would be for sure now. he warned me there was some added risk during the surgery bc of the cord & odd presentation, even with a c-sec, but i have a lot of faith in my OB, & he'll be the one doing the surgery no matter when we go.
i also lost some weight, & baby is moving lots less, but still looks healthy & has good fluid. i'm having all kinds of icky end-of-prengnacy symptoms, so i'm kind of hoping for a 2011 baby (i know, only a day & a half left so the odds aren't good, but i can hope!). but til something happens-- it's still 9 days til baby
i also lost some weight, & baby is moving lots less, but still looks healthy & has good fluid. i'm having all kinds of icky end-of-prengnacy symptoms, so i'm kind of hoping for a 2011 baby (i know, only a day & a half left so the odds aren't good, but i can hope!). but til something happens-- it's still 9 days til baby
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
confessions
i have become one of the things i like least. i am a whiney pregnant lady. 3 years ago, when i was struggling to stay pregnant with the boys, i would have given anything to make it to 37 weeks. (shoot, i would have been happy with 35!) i hated listening to women who had reached term complaining about how miserable they were, while i watched my babies in the NICU struggle to breathe.
& now, not quite 3 years & almost 4 kids later, i have spent the last week whining to all & sundry over how uncomfortable i am, how sick i am of fake contractions, how hard it is to breathe with a breech baby, how my back hurts, i'm crampy, my feet are swollen, & i'm sure there were a few more complaints if i stopped to think harder. what happened to me over those years? when did i forget how to be grateful for each discomfort & every aching day & sleepless night, knowing that the time spent growing would help me bring home a healthy, thriving baby?
i feel guilty for being so anxious to be done, especially since this is our last & as much as i hate being huge, i know i'll miss the feeling of pregnancy. carrying a life inside you, nuturing & learning a new little person's ways & habits before you even meet them... it's pretty cool. i'm also dreading the repeat c-section, so why i'm so anxious to get on with it is a bit beyond me.
i don't even feel particularly ready to meet this little one. the baby still feels like a little stranger, which is a new one for me. i've been so busy this whole pregnancy that i've not devoted alot of thought to what this baby might be like. i'm not even that fussed over whether it's a boy or girl. 20 weeks ago, i was driving myself nuts over what we might have & now that i'll find out in 11 days, the topic doesn't hold much interest for me anymore. i love new babies, & my new babies most of all, so i doubt i'll feel any differently about this kid than i did my other 3, & i am excited to meet this little one, but in a hypothetical kind of way.
11 days to get my head on straight. & maybe it's a good thing this little one is in no rush, despite the aches & pains.
& now, not quite 3 years & almost 4 kids later, i have spent the last week whining to all & sundry over how uncomfortable i am, how sick i am of fake contractions, how hard it is to breathe with a breech baby, how my back hurts, i'm crampy, my feet are swollen, & i'm sure there were a few more complaints if i stopped to think harder. what happened to me over those years? when did i forget how to be grateful for each discomfort & every aching day & sleepless night, knowing that the time spent growing would help me bring home a healthy, thriving baby?
i feel guilty for being so anxious to be done, especially since this is our last & as much as i hate being huge, i know i'll miss the feeling of pregnancy. carrying a life inside you, nuturing & learning a new little person's ways & habits before you even meet them... it's pretty cool. i'm also dreading the repeat c-section, so why i'm so anxious to get on with it is a bit beyond me.
i don't even feel particularly ready to meet this little one. the baby still feels like a little stranger, which is a new one for me. i've been so busy this whole pregnancy that i've not devoted alot of thought to what this baby might be like. i'm not even that fussed over whether it's a boy or girl. 20 weeks ago, i was driving myself nuts over what we might have & now that i'll find out in 11 days, the topic doesn't hold much interest for me anymore. i love new babies, & my new babies most of all, so i doubt i'll feel any differently about this kid than i did my other 3, & i am excited to meet this little one, but in a hypothetical kind of way.
11 days to get my head on straight. & maybe it's a good thing this little one is in no rush, despite the aches & pains.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
holiday related bullets
- we're healthy (finally!)
- presents are wrapped. (except for those i have yet to finish.)
- gingerbread is waiting to be cut so we can decorate cookies tomorrow. it's our first real christmas-y activity, since we've all been too sick to do anything fun.
- i'm getting very excited to meet #4. on the advice of my OB i packed a hospital bag (mostly) altho i'm still short of an outfit for baby to wear home, i'll get it together sooner or later. we've never really been "prepared" for anyone's birth & it always seems to work out.
- my wonderful mom came over yesterday & cleaned the kids' bathtub that has been driving me nuts for ages now (i can no longer reach, even if i climb in & i HATE having a bathtub ring. who knows how the kids get so grody in the winter time, but they do.)
- val has given up on naps & has been truly horrid every afternoon this week. he clearly is not ready to give up naps, & it's driving us all crazy. on the plus side, he is finally sleeping in a bit more in the mornings (meaning we're up at 630 or 7 instead of 5.)
- i'm loving all the holiday specials. yup, i'm one of those cheeseballs who actually watches "its a wonderful life" every year.
- presents are wrapped. (except for those i have yet to finish.)
- gingerbread is waiting to be cut so we can decorate cookies tomorrow. it's our first real christmas-y activity, since we've all been too sick to do anything fun.
- i'm getting very excited to meet #4. on the advice of my OB i packed a hospital bag (mostly) altho i'm still short of an outfit for baby to wear home, i'll get it together sooner or later. we've never really been "prepared" for anyone's birth & it always seems to work out.
- my wonderful mom came over yesterday & cleaned the kids' bathtub that has been driving me nuts for ages now (i can no longer reach, even if i climb in & i HATE having a bathtub ring. who knows how the kids get so grody in the winter time, but they do.)
- val has given up on naps & has been truly horrid every afternoon this week. he clearly is not ready to give up naps, & it's driving us all crazy. on the plus side, he is finally sleeping in a bit more in the mornings (meaning we're up at 630 or 7 instead of 5.)
- i'm loving all the holiday specials. yup, i'm one of those cheeseballs who actually watches "its a wonderful life" every year.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
worst fears realized
& i'm not being dramatic.
with N's job, my biggest fear, aside from him being shot or run over by a car (again, as he's already been hit once), is that he will be stabbed/poked/cut/bled on by someone with contaminated blood. & yesterday, he was. in the process of arresting 2 heroin addicts for possession, he was stuck with a used needle. the addicts were already off to jail & he was processing property when it happened, so he bled the cut & took himself off to the hospital, where they did a blood work-up, & gave him some anti-HIV pills to take. he luckily was able to track down the addicts (who had already been kicked loose from jail) & get them to agree to a blood draw (in MI, this has to be consentual unless there's a warrant), so if their blood comes back clean he's in the clear. until then, he's on these giant PEP pills for 28 days, which are pretty effective at preventing HIV from taking hold as long as they're taken appropriately.
problem is, the pills are horrible. he took his first yesterday & within a few hours was hallucinating, unable to walk for dizziness, acting like he was as drunk as he's ever been & then it made him just plain sick for a hour or so before it knocked him out cold for the night. totally worth it to prevent a much worse possibility, but not fun.
this week started with me in the hospital, moved on to N in the hospital, a sick kid, & then wrapped up with N getting stuck with a junkie's needle. needless to say, not one of our best weeks ever. i'm so glad it's sunday. we could use a fresh start.
with N's job, my biggest fear, aside from him being shot or run over by a car (again, as he's already been hit once), is that he will be stabbed/poked/cut/bled on by someone with contaminated blood. & yesterday, he was. in the process of arresting 2 heroin addicts for possession, he was stuck with a used needle. the addicts were already off to jail & he was processing property when it happened, so he bled the cut & took himself off to the hospital, where they did a blood work-up, & gave him some anti-HIV pills to take. he luckily was able to track down the addicts (who had already been kicked loose from jail) & get them to agree to a blood draw (in MI, this has to be consentual unless there's a warrant), so if their blood comes back clean he's in the clear. until then, he's on these giant PEP pills for 28 days, which are pretty effective at preventing HIV from taking hold as long as they're taken appropriately.
problem is, the pills are horrible. he took his first yesterday & within a few hours was hallucinating, unable to walk for dizziness, acting like he was as drunk as he's ever been & then it made him just plain sick for a hour or so before it knocked him out cold for the night. totally worth it to prevent a much worse possibility, but not fun.
this week started with me in the hospital, moved on to N in the hospital, a sick kid, & then wrapped up with N getting stuck with a junkie's needle. needless to say, not one of our best weeks ever. i'm so glad it's sunday. we could use a fresh start.
Friday, December 9, 2011
more whining. (sorry.)
my doc offically diagnosed me once again with an "irritable uterus". basically this means that i have semi-painful contractions all day long in a regular pattern that do not lead immediately to labor. this happened with the boys as well (although in their case it DID end up leading to labor), & it sucks. if you're not familiar with the feeling, think braxton-hicks with the intensity of early *real* labor pains, every 10 minutes all freaking day.
i have meds to take that help in the mornings & are useless by lunchtime, & am supposed to be taking it easy, but it's the holidays & i am on my own with 3 kids under 3 for 14 hours a day. "easy" has no place here, so unless the doc tells me this is essential to prevent labor, i plan to soldier on as usual. there's just too much stuff to get done before baby gets here.
this plan doesn't do much for my mood, however, so i've been attempting to just keep quiet if i have nothing nice to say, which is resulting in quite a lot of quiet.
i'm thinking a few moments of meditation would improve my mental state a bit, but i'm failing miserably at that as i can't seem to get comfortable, in any position, ever. maybe there's some new form of meditation that involves embracing the discomfort? i could use a few moments of peace in my days.
i have meds to take that help in the mornings & are useless by lunchtime, & am supposed to be taking it easy, but it's the holidays & i am on my own with 3 kids under 3 for 14 hours a day. "easy" has no place here, so unless the doc tells me this is essential to prevent labor, i plan to soldier on as usual. there's just too much stuff to get done before baby gets here.
this plan doesn't do much for my mood, however, so i've been attempting to just keep quiet if i have nothing nice to say, which is resulting in quite a lot of quiet.
i'm thinking a few moments of meditation would improve my mental state a bit, but i'm failing miserably at that as i can't seem to get comfortable, in any position, ever. maybe there's some new form of meditation that involves embracing the discomfort? i could use a few moments of peace in my days.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
a fall down the stairs & back into sanity
i fell down the stairs a couple days ago while holding emma. i went the entire way on my back & she rode me like a sled, so both she & baby #4 were just fine. (shaken, but fine.) but i have been in some major pain for the past couple days & completely miserable.
the plus side to this is that for the very first time, i felt like i was ready to be done being pregnant. like really REALLY done, not just done for a while. after being continuously pregnant &/or nursing since august of 2008, (& pregnant at least once a year since 2007!) i think my body is finally done & my mind is catching up.
i was looking at pictures from last christmas, when emma was about 6 mos old, & thinking how much fun it will be to have another baby to cuddle & watch grow. i was imagining our christmas next year, with a new almost-one-year-old added to the mix & felt excited about our pending family of 6. i'm sure i'll still have pangs of wishing we could afford another child, especially if we have another boy. (not that i wouldn't love another boy-- i adore my sons. but i always wanted a sister, & i'd love for emma to have that experience. we'll get what we get though & i'm ok with that too.) anyways, while i'm sure i'll still have moments of "i wish..." i'm getting on board with 4, & i think the amount of pain i've been in has alot to do with that.
funny how a fall down the stairs could do so much to change my perspective, but maybe it knocked some sense into me.
the plus side to this is that for the very first time, i felt like i was ready to be done being pregnant. like really REALLY done, not just done for a while. after being continuously pregnant &/or nursing since august of 2008, (& pregnant at least once a year since 2007!) i think my body is finally done & my mind is catching up.
i was looking at pictures from last christmas, when emma was about 6 mos old, & thinking how much fun it will be to have another baby to cuddle & watch grow. i was imagining our christmas next year, with a new almost-one-year-old added to the mix & felt excited about our pending family of 6. i'm sure i'll still have pangs of wishing we could afford another child, especially if we have another boy. (not that i wouldn't love another boy-- i adore my sons. but i always wanted a sister, & i'd love for emma to have that experience. we'll get what we get though & i'm ok with that too.) anyways, while i'm sure i'll still have moments of "i wish..." i'm getting on board with 4, & i think the amount of pain i've been in has alot to do with that.
funny how a fall down the stairs could do so much to change my perspective, but maybe it knocked some sense into me.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
a list, bc it's easy
i have been an absent blogger & a lame commenter lately. i still read & need to get back into the swing of things, bc blogging is no fun without the interactive part.
so as not to challenge myself too much, we're running with a list today. (apologies!)
- i hurt. my hips hurt, my back hurts, my ankles hurt & it's all keeping me from sleeping. not counting getting up to pee, i woke up 10 times between 1030pm & 5 am last night bc something hurt bad enough to wake me. i haven't been this uncomfortable sleeping since i had the twins.
- i am tired. combined with the not sleeping well, the doc tells me i have low iron & despite taking extra supplements for a week now, i feel not a bit different. my hobbies/friends/house are all suffering, bc i try to reserve my stores of patience & energy for the 3 little hoodlums & occasionally my husband.
- meat grosses me out lately. actually food in general is super unappealing unless it's ice or covered in frosting. (i know ice isn't food. it's still all i want to eat.)
- our christmas decorations are up & the kids are loving it. this is the first year i haven't had to fight N to get everything up. when he saw how much the kiddos loved christmas lights, he went out & bought loads more. so we are now "that" house on our street & i love it.
- chunk, our long-suffering toothless-wonder cat, is slowly recovering from surgery on his ear (tumors-- they removed part of his ear canal.) his weight has been up & down, & we just had his thyroid checked. N is convinced he's on his way out. i say he has at least 5 good years left. we're devoted to our critters & it sucks when they're sick.
- we got our first snow last night. (maybe an inch.... barely enough to call snow, but it was still cool.)
- i am almost done christmas shopping & am kind of excited about it.
sorry for the whiney list. i'm promising myself to suck less the next time i blog.
so as not to challenge myself too much, we're running with a list today. (apologies!)
- i hurt. my hips hurt, my back hurts, my ankles hurt & it's all keeping me from sleeping. not counting getting up to pee, i woke up 10 times between 1030pm & 5 am last night bc something hurt bad enough to wake me. i haven't been this uncomfortable sleeping since i had the twins.
- i am tired. combined with the not sleeping well, the doc tells me i have low iron & despite taking extra supplements for a week now, i feel not a bit different. my hobbies/friends/house are all suffering, bc i try to reserve my stores of patience & energy for the 3 little hoodlums & occasionally my husband.
- meat grosses me out lately. actually food in general is super unappealing unless it's ice or covered in frosting. (i know ice isn't food. it's still all i want to eat.)
- our christmas decorations are up & the kids are loving it. this is the first year i haven't had to fight N to get everything up. when he saw how much the kiddos loved christmas lights, he went out & bought loads more. so we are now "that" house on our street & i love it.
- chunk, our long-suffering toothless-wonder cat, is slowly recovering from surgery on his ear (tumors-- they removed part of his ear canal.) his weight has been up & down, & we just had his thyroid checked. N is convinced he's on his way out. i say he has at least 5 good years left. we're devoted to our critters & it sucks when they're sick.
- we got our first snow last night. (maybe an inch.... barely enough to call snow, but it was still cool.)
- i am almost done christmas shopping & am kind of excited about it.
sorry for the whiney list. i'm promising myself to suck less the next time i blog.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
early baby blues?
i feel really sad lately that this will be our last child. i know, i'm nuts. we're about to have 4 kids under 3, i know how blessed we are & how insane our house is, but i still feel sad. i know that 4 is enough for us, & that this is a good & responsible place to stop. so i AM on board (mostly) with the plan for a vasectomy, but the thought of not having any more babies to love on really bums me out.
i think it's bc once you're done having kids, (as wonderful & challenging as the parenting process is) you're basically teaching your kids independence & watching them grow away from you. & for this SAHM, that's a seriously depressing thought. although maybe that's why they make the teenage years so hideous, so the leaving process is easier?
after having emma, i was actually at a place where i was ready for a break. i felt good about our little family & thought it would be fun to settle down to the business of raising kids instead of having them, but i'm not there this time. i'm hoping that after a few weeks of newborn hell i'll be back in that place & be able to feel wholely positive about our decision not to have any more kids. or maybe this is just holiday nostalgia & pregnancy hormones talking & i really am nuts.
i think it's bc once you're done having kids, (as wonderful & challenging as the parenting process is) you're basically teaching your kids independence & watching them grow away from you. & for this SAHM, that's a seriously depressing thought. although maybe that's why they make the teenage years so hideous, so the leaving process is easier?
after having emma, i was actually at a place where i was ready for a break. i felt good about our little family & thought it would be fun to settle down to the business of raising kids instead of having them, but i'm not there this time. i'm hoping that after a few weeks of newborn hell i'll be back in that place & be able to feel wholely positive about our decision not to have any more kids. or maybe this is just holiday nostalgia & pregnancy hormones talking & i really am nuts.
Friday, November 25, 2011
mmmm...funfetti....
i bought funfetti cupcake mix today & am seriosuly considering making them despite the fact i still have a whole pumpkin pie sitting on my counter. i'm pretty sure i haven't made funfetti cupcakes since i was about 10, but the box was drool inducing when i saw it at the store & i couldn't stop myself. i figure i've been eating so much ice instead of food lately that i can afford some awful cupcakes. (yup, ice craving. low iron. taking supplements, still want the ice. go figure.)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
a photo post with no pictures
a while ago my mom dropped off this purple courderpy jumper with matching puffed-sleeve reverse-button up top for emma. it had been mine 30 years ago & it cute is a super 1980s kind of way. my brilliant plant for christmas was to get a sears portrait taken of em in the outfit & pair it with a 30yr old sears portrait my mom had done of me in the same outfit. cute idea, right? so we dress up the kids & haul them off to sears after speech today & then spent the next 4 hours in sears photo hell.
usually we do our family photos with the photographer who shot our wedding. she only works in black & white, she doesn't use props etc, & just lets everyone play & move & shoots journalistic-style. i love it, it's very natural & totally un-posed, & also totally not what i needed for this christmas project, hence our first (& only!) venture to sears.
maybe your sears is better, but ours was sucked royally. apparently you need an appointment, they don't use real photographers, (at one point, N had to stop & show our "photographer" how to work her camera so we could finish the shoot.), & have no concept of things like time. we managed to get what we needed, but only after 1 hour of waiting for some one to make us an appointment, 2 hours of wandering the mall, 30 minutes of watching her struggle with a digital camera, & another 30 minutes of waiting for her to "process" our photos.
(did i mention that by the time we got the pictures done, emma had cut her lip, conrad had candy cane in his hair & val had a mysterious bruise appear on his forehead? yeah.... at least the photos will look realistic. we also let emma wear her skull print leggings in the photos. it just wouldn't have been "emma" without them.)
on the plus side, while we were in sears photo limbo, we stopped to see santa & the kids got to spend a half hour running around santa's village like they owned the place. (santa loved cops & his wife loved kids, so we were golden.) & we got a really cute picture of all 3 on santa's lap & all 3 smiling! (if you have more than one child, then you know what an achievement this is!)
everyone missed nap & i deserted daddy with the super cranky hoard as soon as we got done to go take a much overdue glucose test. usually drinking a cup full of horrible glucola & sitting still for an hour by myself is torture. today it was like a gift from the gods.
usually we do our family photos with the photographer who shot our wedding. she only works in black & white, she doesn't use props etc, & just lets everyone play & move & shoots journalistic-style. i love it, it's very natural & totally un-posed, & also totally not what i needed for this christmas project, hence our first (& only!) venture to sears.
maybe your sears is better, but ours was sucked royally. apparently you need an appointment, they don't use real photographers, (at one point, N had to stop & show our "photographer" how to work her camera so we could finish the shoot.), & have no concept of things like time. we managed to get what we needed, but only after 1 hour of waiting for some one to make us an appointment, 2 hours of wandering the mall, 30 minutes of watching her struggle with a digital camera, & another 30 minutes of waiting for her to "process" our photos.
(did i mention that by the time we got the pictures done, emma had cut her lip, conrad had candy cane in his hair & val had a mysterious bruise appear on his forehead? yeah.... at least the photos will look realistic. we also let emma wear her skull print leggings in the photos. it just wouldn't have been "emma" without them.)
on the plus side, while we were in sears photo limbo, we stopped to see santa & the kids got to spend a half hour running around santa's village like they owned the place. (santa loved cops & his wife loved kids, so we were golden.) & we got a really cute picture of all 3 on santa's lap & all 3 smiling! (if you have more than one child, then you know what an achievement this is!)
everyone missed nap & i deserted daddy with the super cranky hoard as soon as we got done to go take a much overdue glucose test. usually drinking a cup full of horrible glucola & sitting still for an hour by myself is torture. today it was like a gift from the gods.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
dinosaur eggs!
the dudes are super into dinosaurs, so for one of our projects this week, i made some dinosaur eggs for the kids to hatch. we hid them around the yard & collected them, & then hatched our eggs. all 3 of them loved helping the baby dino out of the egg & it was a fun way to talk about eggs in nests & the way some animals grow from eggs. 
i used this recipe for coffee dough to make the eggs:
2 1/2 c. flour
2 1/2 c. coffee grounds
1c. salt
1 c. sand
water
mix it all together with just enough water to bind the dough & form it around whatever little critter you're hatching.
we saved up our coffee grounds for a couple days, & i used craft sand, but i'm guessing any dry dirt would work fine. ours took about a week to dry totally, & they dried surprisingly hard. i liked that, as it made the kids really think about how to open them. (we tried kicking, stomping, throwing, & hitting with a little hammer... cracking the eggs was pry the best part!) i actually think these would make fun party gifts for a birthday or something too.
the kids all seem to be less psycho when we have daily "projects", so i've been trying to come up with different activities for us & this one was a big hit. next up i think will be homemade bird feeders (of the pinecone/peanut butter variety.)
i used this recipe for coffee dough to make the eggs:
2 1/2 c. flour
2 1/2 c. coffee grounds
1c. salt
1 c. sand
water
mix it all together with just enough water to bind the dough & form it around whatever little critter you're hatching.
we saved up our coffee grounds for a couple days, & i used craft sand, but i'm guessing any dry dirt would work fine. ours took about a week to dry totally, & they dried surprisingly hard. i liked that, as it made the kids really think about how to open them. (we tried kicking, stomping, throwing, & hitting with a little hammer... cracking the eggs was pry the best part!) i actually think these would make fun party gifts for a birthday or something too.
the kids all seem to be less psycho when we have daily "projects", so i've been trying to come up with different activities for us & this one was a big hit. next up i think will be homemade bird feeders (of the pinecone/peanut butter variety.)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
random hot dog blankie
finished this last week after i did the boys' costumes (they're mountain men. mostly bc they really love their racoon hats. emmie is going to be an indian, since a dear friend- you know who you are!- sent us a indian dress a while ago in a box of toddler clothes.) anways, i'm really happy with how this doggy quilt came out. it's a pattern from "dare to be square", so i can't take credit for that, but i'm still really pleased with it.
i should be working on a little pink & purple girly extravaganza for a friend who just had a baby girl & wants to paint her whole world pink, but i'm not feeling in a very "pink" mood.
& that is the digger hanging out next to the quilt. something about quilts just seems to call to cats... & babies... & my husband... & the parrots... i think they just like to cuddle.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
go the f*** to sleep
i have been awake since 7 am YESTERDAY morning. i think my kids are conspiring to kill me. or at least torture me through sleep deprivation.
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