today is a wrong side of the bed kind of day for me. i woke up cranky at 530 with conrad, & cant seem to shake the funk. i'm sure its somehow pregnancy related. ugh.
the dudes also seem to be picking up on my crankiness, despite my best efforts to keep a smile on for them. double ugh.
we're still having nap battles... con man will fuss & turn into the world'd grumpiest little man unless i rub his tummy til he falls asleep, & val has been having hysterics unless i rock him to sleep. this is a step backwards from where we'd been, but i do NOT buy into the "cry it out" philosophy. they are perfectly capable of going to sleep without my help (& they've done it before... i'm sure they'll do it again at some point) so i'm guessing they just aren't quite ready yet for whatever reason. i don't want to rush them into anything they aren't ready for, but i'm starting to feel pressure from the pending 3rd kid. the boys still get up once or twice a night for a bottle, which i don't mind-- they're hungry. but i don't know how i'm going to take care of 3 babies getting up at night, or 3 babies not wanting to nap despite being so tired their little eyes are watering. (yeah, i know moms of triplets do it. i am in constant awe of them, but that doesn't change the fact that i don't know how i am going to do it.)
i guess there's nothing to do but let them all proceed at their own pace, which is really what i'd prefer to do anyways, & just trust that somehow things will all work out. they always seem to, so i'm hanging on to that.
in other news, i managed to fall down the stairs twice yesterday. awesome. i did not call my doc, as i haven't had any spotting, & other than being sore from falling, i have no unusual aches & pains. i don't want anything to happen to this baby, but i just can't get excited about it. with the boys, i was so involved with every detail of their development, & now i can't help feeling like this kid is a total interloper. i was really looking forward to a few years of time with my boys, & now it's my boys + one. i know, the best laid plans of mice & men, etc, etc.... i need to just get my head around the fact that we're having 3, & get on board with the new program. maybe all the early u/s will help... it's not that i'm angry at this baby, more that i'm frustrated with myself for not being the mom i think i should be, both to this pending kid & to the boys.
isn't guilt great? sigh....
Guilt. It is our worst demon as women. I am experiencing it right now because I am heading back to work next week.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any magic answer or response for you. I can only imagine how you are feeling with the new baby on the way while the boys are so young. I am a true believer that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. He does test us, huh?
I have all the faith in the world in you. Look how you survived your pregnancy with the boys - that wasn't easy on you. Look at how you survived their time in the NICU. That is a very difficult place to see your babies.
Hang in there. And good luck with the naps!
Kate, guilt is horrible, I feel it every day on some level because always, i see hwo I could have done better, been a better partner, mother, friend...but then I have to sigh and realize that I can't be perfect...I do my best...
ReplyDeleteWHat I am trying to say, in short, is you are a GREAT mother, and there is nothing to feel guilty about (i know, easier said...). No, you weren't anticipating another LO just yet, but yet here s/he is!
You are doing the best you can, and in my book, that makes you an incredible Mom.
Babies can sense pregnancies. Trust me. Q has been super clingy and cuddly for about a week now. I would bet money that is why the twins are having sleep regressions. Good luck! This too will pass.
ReplyDelete