I was just talking with some one about the whole post babies sex debate, & she mentioned how sexy she felt while preggo. Which got me thinking. I know some women see pregnancy bodies as beautiful, & a sign of ultimate femininity & power, & that makes them feel sexy, but for me, the giant swollen belly was NOT a turn on.
Even had I been able to have sex, once I got to a certain size, (which happened fairly quickly considering I was carrying 2), I mostly felt like a beached whale. You can't move well, rolling over is darn near impossible, my back hurt no matter what position I was in & (sorry to be gross), but some parts of me were so swollen that I'm not even sure if sex would have been possible! :P
I have to say I am not one of those women who loved being preggo & loved her preggo body-- I loved it only for what it could do (namely, grow my beautiful babies), but I was more than happy to give it up & shrink back to a more comfortable size. & I think N felt the same way-- when we would do some safe playing around, he always went out of his way to avoid touching the belly. I guess neither of us found the baby-carrying body a very sexy thing. Wonderful, amazing, miraculous even, but not sexy.
When I explained all this to my friend, she thought I was nuts. What do you think? is pregnancy sexy?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sex After Babies
For those of you don't want to hear about my sex life, quit reading now. For the rest of you, sorry guys, but I have to vent!
For those who don't know, I was on pelvic rest basically my entire pregnancy with the guys, at first due to baby A's (now known as Val) placenta being over my cervix, & later due to the preterm labor scare. & then there was the 6 week wait post c-section. Since then, we manage to get it on maybe once a week. N is feeling deprived, since prior to the pregnancy, we were an every day couple. He's been fairly patient, but I know he's frustrated, & in turn I'm getting frustrated with him for pouting over the lack of sex.
Case in point: Last night, we got the boys to bed early & jumped in bed ourselves for some fun. Of course, as the mommies among you know, as soon as we got in bed, the guys woke up & started crying for food. & there is no way I can focus on sex when my little ones need me, you know? Hungry babies come first, in my mind. So we get up to feed the guys, which ends up being an hour long process bc of Con's reflux attacks & Val's huge appetite. By the time they're back in bed, I am exhausted & sex is the last thing on my mind. (Did I mention I haven't slept more than four hours for the past week? & I mean broken up 4 hours, not a 4 hour stretch. & I let N take a giant 4 hour nap yesterday afternoon bc he was getting super cranky. So yeah, I was (& am) really tired.) N, of course, wants to pick up where we left off, & when I say I have to sleep, he gets all disapointed & pouty. Which leaves me feeling guilty, so I try to explain to him that it's not that I don't want to have sex, it's that I can't be all things to all 3 men in my life at all times right now-- there just aren't enough hours in the day to keep them all happy & still have time to sleep, let alone 2 minutes to myself. I know the "mom" role is taking precedence over the "wife" role right now, & I feel bad about that, but I'm doing the best I can.
I'm on my own for 14 hours a day with the boys when N works, & when he's home, I'm still the one doing laundry, washing bottles, doing the grocery shopping, the cooking, & taking care of the critters at least 80% of the time. I have to prompt him to do baby things (i.e. it's time to change the babies, it's time to feed the babies, play with the babies, whatever.) He is totally willing to hang out with the guys, but he's not very self-motivated. (& then I second guess myself, & think maybe it's just me being all type-A about this stuff. But seriously, if the baby is hungry, you feed him. you don't wait until he's screaming hysterically. seems obvious to me, but maybe it's not.) & yes, N works & I don't, so the majority of the baby care is my "job" & I don't mind doing it, but I feel then he shouldn't be surprised when I'm exhausted at the end of the day & not up for sex.
& finally, (this is about to be TMI, sorry), but sex still hurts for me. It's fun during, but not so fun after. It's nothing permanent & is totally related to me still breastfeeding & the birth control I'm on right now, but still, it sucks. & knowing that I'm going to be really uncomfortable for a good while afterwards does not provide much incentive to get it on frequently.
& N really is (mostly) understanding about all this. Or at least he says the right things, but it's just lip service. I know he's annoyed but just won't say so. I would almsot rather he just b****ed about it like any other guy instead of playing the martyr with me. It's a temporary problem for pete's sake, at some point I will stop breastfeeding, the boys will start sleeping & I can switch birthcontrol pills. But for now, I'd appreciate a bit more understanding & a bit less pouting.
If he was serious about getting more, then an offer to let me nap, or have an hour to myself, or even just initiating some baby care on his own without me prompting him would go a long way towards getting me in bed more often. Honestly, at this point, although it is still fun during & I know it's good for our relationship, sex has become just one more thing I have to do to keep my family happy. It's a job. & I know that really offends N, but at least I'm still willing to have sex, right? Why can't he just take advantage of the fact that I'm willing, without being insulted about how I shouldn't feel "obligated"? Of course, I'm obligated, I'm his wife! If I really didn't want to, I wouldn't.
I know this has turned into a really long rant, but I have one more complaint, & it has nothing to do with N. I know that I should consider myself lucky that my husband still finds me attractive enough to want to have sex with me, despite the fact that my a** has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like a detailed map of Detroit. (Either that, or he's so desperate I could be Medusa & he'd take his chances just to get laid!) But I don't feel attractive. I feel pudgy, & totally tore up from the neck down. Having twins destroys your body if you're short & skinny, & I'm only 2 1/2 mos. post delivery. Don't get me wrong, the boys are absolutely worth it, & I'm sure it will get better with time, but feeling super ugly does NOT inspire one to get naked, you know? Of course, that's my own personal problem & exists just in my own head, but it's still there. N was never one to give alot of compliments, & I never needed them before, but it sure might help to hear some now. Although asking for them jsut seems pathetic, you know?
For those who don't know, I was on pelvic rest basically my entire pregnancy with the guys, at first due to baby A's (now known as Val) placenta being over my cervix, & later due to the preterm labor scare. & then there was the 6 week wait post c-section. Since then, we manage to get it on maybe once a week. N is feeling deprived, since prior to the pregnancy, we were an every day couple. He's been fairly patient, but I know he's frustrated, & in turn I'm getting frustrated with him for pouting over the lack of sex.
Case in point: Last night, we got the boys to bed early & jumped in bed ourselves for some fun. Of course, as the mommies among you know, as soon as we got in bed, the guys woke up & started crying for food. & there is no way I can focus on sex when my little ones need me, you know? Hungry babies come first, in my mind. So we get up to feed the guys, which ends up being an hour long process bc of Con's reflux attacks & Val's huge appetite. By the time they're back in bed, I am exhausted & sex is the last thing on my mind. (Did I mention I haven't slept more than four hours for the past week? & I mean broken up 4 hours, not a 4 hour stretch. & I let N take a giant 4 hour nap yesterday afternoon bc he was getting super cranky. So yeah, I was (& am) really tired.) N, of course, wants to pick up where we left off, & when I say I have to sleep, he gets all disapointed & pouty. Which leaves me feeling guilty, so I try to explain to him that it's not that I don't want to have sex, it's that I can't be all things to all 3 men in my life at all times right now-- there just aren't enough hours in the day to keep them all happy & still have time to sleep, let alone 2 minutes to myself. I know the "mom" role is taking precedence over the "wife" role right now, & I feel bad about that, but I'm doing the best I can.
I'm on my own for 14 hours a day with the boys when N works, & when he's home, I'm still the one doing laundry, washing bottles, doing the grocery shopping, the cooking, & taking care of the critters at least 80% of the time. I have to prompt him to do baby things (i.e. it's time to change the babies, it's time to feed the babies, play with the babies, whatever.) He is totally willing to hang out with the guys, but he's not very self-motivated. (& then I second guess myself, & think maybe it's just me being all type-A about this stuff. But seriously, if the baby is hungry, you feed him. you don't wait until he's screaming hysterically. seems obvious to me, but maybe it's not.) & yes, N works & I don't, so the majority of the baby care is my "job" & I don't mind doing it, but I feel then he shouldn't be surprised when I'm exhausted at the end of the day & not up for sex.
& finally, (this is about to be TMI, sorry), but sex still hurts for me. It's fun during, but not so fun after. It's nothing permanent & is totally related to me still breastfeeding & the birth control I'm on right now, but still, it sucks. & knowing that I'm going to be really uncomfortable for a good while afterwards does not provide much incentive to get it on frequently.
& N really is (mostly) understanding about all this. Or at least he says the right things, but it's just lip service. I know he's annoyed but just won't say so. I would almsot rather he just b****ed about it like any other guy instead of playing the martyr with me. It's a temporary problem for pete's sake, at some point I will stop breastfeeding, the boys will start sleeping & I can switch birthcontrol pills. But for now, I'd appreciate a bit more understanding & a bit less pouting.
If he was serious about getting more, then an offer to let me nap, or have an hour to myself, or even just initiating some baby care on his own without me prompting him would go a long way towards getting me in bed more often. Honestly, at this point, although it is still fun during & I know it's good for our relationship, sex has become just one more thing I have to do to keep my family happy. It's a job. & I know that really offends N, but at least I'm still willing to have sex, right? Why can't he just take advantage of the fact that I'm willing, without being insulted about how I shouldn't feel "obligated"? Of course, I'm obligated, I'm his wife! If I really didn't want to, I wouldn't.
I know this has turned into a really long rant, but I have one more complaint, & it has nothing to do with N. I know that I should consider myself lucky that my husband still finds me attractive enough to want to have sex with me, despite the fact that my a** has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like a detailed map of Detroit. (Either that, or he's so desperate I could be Medusa & he'd take his chances just to get laid!) But I don't feel attractive. I feel pudgy, & totally tore up from the neck down. Having twins destroys your body if you're short & skinny, & I'm only 2 1/2 mos. post delivery. Don't get me wrong, the boys are absolutely worth it, & I'm sure it will get better with time, but feeling super ugly does NOT inspire one to get naked, you know? Of course, that's my own personal problem & exists just in my own head, but it's still there. N was never one to give alot of compliments, & I never needed them before, but it sure might help to hear some now. Although asking for them jsut seems pathetic, you know?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Feeling Pretty
No matter how exhausted, frumpy & funky I am, when my babies smile at me I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
In-Laws
My husband's family has a bit of a "history", (I don't want to get into a lot of it, as he's a very private person & wouldn't appreciate it being all over the web.) So we'll shorthand the problems & just say his mom passed away when he & his older sister were 4 & 5, & his dad married the woman he knows as mom shortly afterwards & they had a surprise daughter when N was 9 & his older sister 10. Now that everyone is grown up, (older sis is 31, little sis is 21), both girls ran off & got married, & I mean they RAN OFF. Ditched the rest of the family, so that we now have no contact with the older sister & very limited contact with the younger sister. N & I weren't involved in either situation leading up to the girls ditching the family, but bc we refused to "be on their side" against their parents & have insisted on staying neutral, the girls have kind of lumped us into the side of the family they no longer speak to. Both sisters ran off in the last 2 years, & the youngest just got married last month & has been having all kinds of fights, etc with her folks ever since, & now both sides are claiming they'll never speak to each other again. (Which is totally possible with N's family-- all of them are very proud & are very hurt & angry over this.)
Anyways, this is all just background to my point today. N's family took a long time to warm up to me. They were always super polite & nice, but I was not what his mom had in mind for N. I think they were hoping for a "country" girl, who rode horses, hunted, etc, & instead they got me, a hockey loving "city" girl. I then further disappointed everyone (my family included) by ditching the 6-figure job to move back to MI, marry N & go back to school (all with N's blessing, of course). Point being, I was never his mom's favorite. According to N, she's always had a very prickly personality, & I wondered how she'd do with the boys, since they aren't her "blood" grandchildren & I'm not her favorite in-law.
My worries have thus far been totally unfounded however, as she adores the boys & has been nothing but super supportive through the whole NICU/ new baby experience. (N's younger sis & her biological daughter spent 3 mos in the NICU, so she was actually more understanding about the NICU fears than my own family, which was a switch.) She's also been way more involved & nicer to N & me since the boys arrived. I'm not sure if its bc the boys birth coincided with the her daughter (the younger sister) leaving, so that now we're really all the family they have left. Or maybe grandkids would have melted her heart regardless. I'm not sure, but it's like I suddenly have value as a member of the family now. & although I'm glad for the change, I find it interesting that grandbabies could so change a person's attitude. Anyone else have experience with babies changing the family dynamic?
Anyways, this is all just background to my point today. N's family took a long time to warm up to me. They were always super polite & nice, but I was not what his mom had in mind for N. I think they were hoping for a "country" girl, who rode horses, hunted, etc, & instead they got me, a hockey loving "city" girl. I then further disappointed everyone (my family included) by ditching the 6-figure job to move back to MI, marry N & go back to school (all with N's blessing, of course). Point being, I was never his mom's favorite. According to N, she's always had a very prickly personality, & I wondered how she'd do with the boys, since they aren't her "blood" grandchildren & I'm not her favorite in-law.
My worries have thus far been totally unfounded however, as she adores the boys & has been nothing but super supportive through the whole NICU/ new baby experience. (N's younger sis & her biological daughter spent 3 mos in the NICU, so she was actually more understanding about the NICU fears than my own family, which was a switch.) She's also been way more involved & nicer to N & me since the boys arrived. I'm not sure if its bc the boys birth coincided with the her daughter (the younger sister) leaving, so that now we're really all the family they have left. Or maybe grandkids would have melted her heart regardless. I'm not sure, but it's like I suddenly have value as a member of the family now. & although I'm glad for the change, I find it interesting that grandbabies could so change a person's attitude. Anyone else have experience with babies changing the family dynamic?
Monday, May 25, 2009
everything smells
in the wee small hours of yesterday morning, we woke to crying babies (not unusual). i got up to fix bottles, & on my way to the kitchen, i walk pass the laundry room & notice that our hall has turned into a swamp of murky laundry water (this is unusual).
i had been doing laundry & the plug to the basin where the water drains had fallen in to the basin & plugged the stupid drain. ALL the water had run out, into our first floor hall & closet. & of course the laundry room was flooded too. awesome. meanwhile, the babies are still crying. so i throw down some towels, get bottles, & go help N feed the guys. of course, this doesn't go well either. both dudes start projectile puking all over. & i mean all over. their cribs, our bed, the carpet, us, themselves. i had no idea so much milk could come out of such small people. so now, not only is our 1st floor flooded, but every piece of laundry that could be dirty, is. at this point, we give up. N has to be at work in 2 hours, the 2 of us combined have slept maybe 4 hours total, & when Val pukes in our bed again after N has passed out, I just clean the baby & then throw down more towels so i can sleep on top.
all the mess was still waiting for me when i got up for the day a little before 5, & things were looking even better bc now everything smelled either like baby puke or mildew. yee-ha. so i wait til 8, then call my folks & plead for help. thank god they live so close! they were here in maybe 20 minutes, & brought fans for our carpet, & coffee for me. (did i mention we were out of coffee filters? yeah.) anyways, after doing laundry ALL DAY yesterday & cleaning like crazy, things smell a bit better, although it's going to take a while for our carpet to totally dry. (thank goodness we're planning on ditching the carpet entirely soon.)
so yesterday was super fun. & N missed it all. sometimes i think he's got the easy job, dealing with crooks & drug dealers all day long!
i had been doing laundry & the plug to the basin where the water drains had fallen in to the basin & plugged the stupid drain. ALL the water had run out, into our first floor hall & closet. & of course the laundry room was flooded too. awesome. meanwhile, the babies are still crying. so i throw down some towels, get bottles, & go help N feed the guys. of course, this doesn't go well either. both dudes start projectile puking all over. & i mean all over. their cribs, our bed, the carpet, us, themselves. i had no idea so much milk could come out of such small people. so now, not only is our 1st floor flooded, but every piece of laundry that could be dirty, is. at this point, we give up. N has to be at work in 2 hours, the 2 of us combined have slept maybe 4 hours total, & when Val pukes in our bed again after N has passed out, I just clean the baby & then throw down more towels so i can sleep on top.
all the mess was still waiting for me when i got up for the day a little before 5, & things were looking even better bc now everything smelled either like baby puke or mildew. yee-ha. so i wait til 8, then call my folks & plead for help. thank god they live so close! they were here in maybe 20 minutes, & brought fans for our carpet, & coffee for me. (did i mention we were out of coffee filters? yeah.) anyways, after doing laundry ALL DAY yesterday & cleaning like crazy, things smell a bit better, although it's going to take a while for our carpet to totally dry. (thank goodness we're planning on ditching the carpet entirely soon.)
so yesterday was super fun. & N missed it all. sometimes i think he's got the easy job, dealing with crooks & drug dealers all day long!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Update on the Kidlets
We had their 2 month check on Wednesday & all looks good! They got their first round of vaccinations. (Yup, we're doing all of them-- there is no proven link between autism & vaccinations, there is no longer mercury in vaccinations, & I personally think it is incredibly stupid to put your child at risk for a bunch of very scary diseases.)
Anyways, back to our update-- They're growing really well. In fact, they grew so much that they're actually on the normal baby scale! They're in the 90th percentile size-wise for 2mo. old preemies. On the regular baby scale, they're at the 6th percentile for 2mo. olds, which yes, is small, but considering the fact that they aren't even supposed to be measurable on that scale yet, N & I were super thrilled! Val is 10lbs 8.5oz & 21.5inches, & Con was 9lbs 15.5oz & 21 3/4 inches(he's still fighting reflux, so he's gaining a little slower, but still in a healthy range.) They also ordered an ultrasound of their hips, which was never done in the NICU. Apparently since Con was breech & I'm pretty small to carry twins, they're at higher risk for hip dislocation bc they were so smushed at the end of the pregnancy. We have no reason to believe anything is wrong, so this is just precautionary.
We've also had 2 nights were they slept 4 hrs in a row! I'm SOOOO excited about that-- the extra sleep makes you feel like a whole new person. Developmentally, they both can smile (not consistently, but they're working on it) they're starting to coo, & they can lift their heads & turn them side to side when on their bellies. They can track objects with their eyes & are starting to have a couple long bouts of wide awake "playtime" everyday. Their technical adjusted age is 2 weeks, but the doc thinks they're more like 4 weeks developmentally, so they're catching up!! :)
Anyways, back to our update-- They're growing really well. In fact, they grew so much that they're actually on the normal baby scale! They're in the 90th percentile size-wise for 2mo. old preemies. On the regular baby scale, they're at the 6th percentile for 2mo. olds, which yes, is small, but considering the fact that they aren't even supposed to be measurable on that scale yet, N & I were super thrilled! Val is 10lbs 8.5oz & 21.5inches, & Con was 9lbs 15.5oz & 21 3/4 inches(he's still fighting reflux, so he's gaining a little slower, but still in a healthy range.) They also ordered an ultrasound of their hips, which was never done in the NICU. Apparently since Con was breech & I'm pretty small to carry twins, they're at higher risk for hip dislocation bc they were so smushed at the end of the pregnancy. We have no reason to believe anything is wrong, so this is just precautionary.
We've also had 2 nights were they slept 4 hrs in a row! I'm SOOOO excited about that-- the extra sleep makes you feel like a whole new person. Developmentally, they both can smile (not consistently, but they're working on it) they're starting to coo, & they can lift their heads & turn them side to side when on their bellies. They can track objects with their eyes & are starting to have a couple long bouts of wide awake "playtime" everyday. Their technical adjusted age is 2 weeks, but the doc thinks they're more like 4 weeks developmentally, so they're catching up!! :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
just one...
let me preface this by saying i would NEVER give up one of my boys or wish we had anything other than our prefect twin babies. i mean that with my whole heart, & love my kids more than i can say.
but as i run myself ragged around the clock, i occasionally find myself thinking almost nostalgically about the lost possibility of having just one baby at a time. my boys will never be an "only", never have both mom & dad's full & undivided attention, never have to not share. n & I will always be that much more tired & distracted.
i know there can also be great compensation for being a twin & having twins, & its the positives that we focus on our day to day lives, but i can't help but dwell on the differences between our experience as new parents & that of friends who had only one baby. what if we had had only one? would i still have fought preterm labor & preeclampsia? could i gave kept them from the NICU?
i know "fair" has very little to do with life, but i cant help but think that its somehow unfair that our boys will always have to share everything in way distinct from siblings who aren't twins. siblings at least have their own birthday, their own role in the family. i know the guys will figure it out, & we will of course encourage them to be individuals, but i don't think you can ever fully escape being a twin. & hopefully they wont want to, but all the same, i cant escape the "what ifs".
& then i see them cuddled together, or staring so intently at each other that you feel like an intruder just watching them, & i'm reminded how very special it could be to have that kind of bond with someone. for better or worse, they'll always have each other!
but as i run myself ragged around the clock, i occasionally find myself thinking almost nostalgically about the lost possibility of having just one baby at a time. my boys will never be an "only", never have both mom & dad's full & undivided attention, never have to not share. n & I will always be that much more tired & distracted.
i know there can also be great compensation for being a twin & having twins, & its the positives that we focus on our day to day lives, but i can't help but dwell on the differences between our experience as new parents & that of friends who had only one baby. what if we had had only one? would i still have fought preterm labor & preeclampsia? could i gave kept them from the NICU?
i know "fair" has very little to do with life, but i cant help but think that its somehow unfair that our boys will always have to share everything in way distinct from siblings who aren't twins. siblings at least have their own birthday, their own role in the family. i know the guys will figure it out, & we will of course encourage them to be individuals, but i don't think you can ever fully escape being a twin. & hopefully they wont want to, but all the same, i cant escape the "what ifs".
& then i see them cuddled together, or staring so intently at each other that you feel like an intruder just watching them, & i'm reminded how very special it could be to have that kind of bond with someone. for better or worse, they'll always have each other!
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