hurry up & slow down

i want the next few weeks to fly, so i can meet #3 & finally start healing from being pregnant for what feels like years. at the same time tho, i don't want to hurry anything, bc i don't want to lose a minute with my guys. i'll miss them in the hospital, & i know it will take me a while once we get home to get in the swing of having 3 little ones. the boys at a very snuggly, needy age at the moment, & while i know my mom will do a wonderful job of catering to them, i know it will bother me that it won't be ME with them.
don't get me wrong, i do want to spend the time getting to know 3. i want 3 to get the same level of devotion that our first babies got from us, but i know what it is to have to divide your attention, & it hurts, even when you know it's the best thing for everyone. once 3 is here, everything will work out fine, of course, & i will have worried for nothing. but in the meantime i can't help but worry a little, & spend every spare moment i have trying to make my big boys feel as special & loved as i can.


EDIT: ok, i also have to point out here, that while we have just over 30 days til 3's scheduled birthday, 3 could techincally come anytime after may 14th (37 weeks) & be fine. this is just 16 days away!!! anyone want to make some birthday predicitions? i personally think 3 will be a late may baby...

Twin v. Singleton Belly: Part VII

33 1/2 weeks with #3. (yeah, i'm in pj's & look crappy. everyone will just have to deal with it!)

& 30 weeks with the boys. this was the last belly pic i took with the guys, since shortly after this i started getting really sick with pre-e, & we were in & out of the hospital way too much to think about things like belly pics.
i think i look similarly big, i'm just carrying REALLY differently. believe it or not, at this point with the guys, i was actually measuring past 40 weeks. & conrad was pretty much living in my rib cage. ah, good times! carrying 1 at a time is SOOOOOO much easier, even when it sucks.

& i have to say, i'm ready not to be pregnant anymore. no, i don't want to rush 3-- as far as i'm concerned, 3 can take all the time the baby wants, since we are totally unprepared still. i just mean i'm looking forward to the end of the summer, when (hopefully) i will be sleeping a bit again & will have lost (some) of the baby weight & will generally be feeling less like a small planet. i will have been pregnant or recovering from being pregnant for pretty much 2 years straight by the time 3 gets here, & i'm ready for a break!!

birth stories

sometimes they make me sad.

a couple friends have blogged recently about the births of their older kids, & while i love reading the stories, they make me kind of wistful.

we had to have a c-section with the boys. they let me labor until i was 5 or 6 cm, & then my blood pressure skyrocketed & we needed a c-sec NOW. obviously, when your kids' health is at stake, you don't have a lot of options. i don't regret that surgery one bit-- it brought us our beautiful sons, safe & sound. but bc of the internal incision, my odds of success with a vaginal birth now are optimistically around 50%. i blogged about this some time ago, when N & i decided that those weren't good enough odds for us, & we were opting for a repeat c-section. i stand by that decision, i really do. after talking with my OB (who is generally fairly anti-c-section), we feel like it's the safest option for 3 & for me. but....

hearing the stories of reaching down to feel the baby's head, or even just HOLDING the baby right after birth, make me long for that kind of delivery. you don't get to hold your baby after a c-section. & while i don't mind at all that N gets to be the first to hold our kids, it hurts that i can't hold them right away, too.

in the long run of course, none of this matters. i don't love my boys any less for having them delivered surgically, & it won't change my feelings for 3 or the relationships i have with my kids. it's just the loss of a single moment in their lives & in mine, but it's a moment i'll never get to experience, & that makes me kind of sad.

piece of cake

a friend pointed out to me after my lame post yesterday that "normal" pregnancies are boring, so i shouldn't feel bad. & i have to say, i really agree, altho i'd never thought of it before-- normal pregnancies ARE boring. after the drama & pain of carrying 2 for 7ish mos, this singleton pg has been a walk in the park. this is a piece of cake.
don't get me wrong, maybe i'll be singing a different tune in 6 weeks, but after measuring something like 44 weeks preggo with the dudes at somewhere around 30 weeks (if memory serves) i seriously doubt i'll be THAT miserable, & i have to be honest, i don't really "get it" when other singleton moms start complaining right around now (32 weeks). not that i'm not sympathetic, i know all too well how much pregnancy can suck, i just don't feel it this time-- i'm really NOT that miserable, & while big, i really don't feel THAT huge. mostly, i'm just really glad we had the twins first, so that this one really does seem like a total breeze.

crap.

we had a really rough appt with the guys at the pedi this morning... val is just fine. language delayed, but no worries yet over that, as his hearing is fine & he is a twin & 7 weeks early. doc said both are pry contributing factors, so not to stress yet. he's 50th percentile for height & a bit less than that for weight. lots of shots today, plus a finger stick to test lead & hemoglobin levels.

conrad got all the same pokes & measurements, but hasn't grown much height-wise (he & val are now the same height) & actually lost weight in the past 10 days. seriously not cool. he had been gaining slowly, then holding steady & now he's losing. & this is with him actually barfing LESS. his eating habits haven't changed, so we don't know what's up. he had a bunch more blood drawn, in addition to all the pokes, to test for anything wonky going on & should get results back in a couple days. we're dropping the zantac, which seemed to help not at all, & moving to prevacid twice a day instead of just once. we have a follow-up appt a week from monday, but if nothing changes, we're off to a GI doc. & the poor boy's excema is no better after the wet-jammy treatment, altho it did seem to make him temporarily more confortable. we're going to give it another day, then i'll call the allergist back & see what our next step is.

i feel so awful my poor boy is going thru all this crap. he's such a happy little man, despite it all, & it just breaks my heart to see him with all these needles & pokes. we're never out of the doctor's office for more than a week, & i am so freaking upset that he's losing weight. i'm not sure we should even be going to DC next week (for my grandpa's funreal at arlington) with all this going on. he doesn't eat well when we travel, & stress makes the excema worse. the pedi said it was ok to take him, but i just don't know....

this sucks. at least he's still cheerful tho, & val is doing great-- asthma well-controlled & perfectly healthy. (counting blessings....)

Sunday Pics & Milestones

con man at the park

valinator in the front yard

check out my sidebar-- no more adjusted age! i was waiting til their 12 mo. check up for the doc to officially tell me they're all caught up, but i'm sick of looking at it & i think they're caught up enough for me!

some milestones accomplished for Val:

• he crawls on all 4s



• he can sit up by himself



• he can pull to standing & balance there



• he can take a couple steps (he's only done this twice so far, but that counts!)



• he can point, clap & wave



• he can swtich toys from one hand to the other & bang them together



• he can feed himself with his fingers



• drinks from a sippy (but only at meals), & from an open cup (with help)



• kind of says "kitty" (ok, it's really "dee-dee" in their goober-language, but they mean "kitty"!)
  

some milestones accomplished for Conrad:

• he does a killer army-crawl



• he gets up on all 4s & rocks



• can pull himself to a stand



• can sit up by himself



• he can point, clap & high-five



• he can feed himself with his fingers



• switches toys fm hand to hand, & knocks them together (& againts anything he can find!)



• he can turn the pages of a book



• gives himself a bottle (he hates sippys) & can drink from a cup (with help)



• kind of says "kitty" (yeah, he says "dee-dee" too... i still think it counts as a word!)

they also both cruise the furniture, & know what "no" means, altho they don't say it. no one says "mama" or "dada" yet, but they do long chains of "mamamamama" or "dadadadada." val does it a bit more than con man, but he's working on it. they also both say "ga" for "hi". i have no idea where they got "ga", but they use it consistently & in perfect context for "hi", so maybe that counts as half a word? either way, altho they haven't hit every single milestone 12 mo. olds are supposed to have hit, i think milestones are fairly arbitrary anyways & that there is a range of "normal". so in my non-expert opinion, they are both perfectly normal 12 mo olds & the ticker had to GO!

Twin v. Singleton Belly: Part VI

27ish weeks with #3:

27 weeks with the boys:
i still think i'm almost the same size, the difference (that you can't see in these pics) is that i am WIDER this time, & carrying lower, whereas with the dudes both of them were right up front. this was confirmed for me by a very sweet Lebanese woman at my fav mid.eastern grocery, who exclaimed to me with a big smile this week, "oh my! you're growing so big & wide! are you sure you aren't having twins? no? well, it must be a big healthy baby boy!" this was meant as a compliment, so i took it in the spirit in which it was meant, but it gave me a good laugh, nonetheless. (no, i'm still not telling the sex!)

in other news, when we were in recovery at the hospital yesterday after conrad's surgery, the 2 nurses with us were also twin moms, with kids born at 33 weeks, & they were shocked at how huge our boys were. their kids were between 2 & 3 lbs, which is typical for 33 weekers, while our guys were 5 lbs each. i knew at the time that they were big, but hearing about other babies born at the same gestation just makes me realize all over again how incredibly lucky we were. (it also makes me slightly nervous about how big our singleton will be, but i guess that what i get for marrying a giant!)

twin speak

(i know i keep blogging about twins lately... sorry guys, i'll try to come up with some more general interest stuff at some point. there just seem to be twin topics cropping up in life. pry bc we have twins. anyways....)

i am beginning to wonder if the dudes are working on some twin speak. for those of you not familiar, twins can develop their own language in lieu of learning english (or whatever real language is spoken at home.) per our research, girl-girl & boy-girl twins rarely have language issues & stay mostly on par with singletons, but boy-boy twins usually have some language delay & are more likely to develop their own language.

& i think that's what the guys are working on. they are MUCH more interested in talking to each other than to anyone else. they mimic each other's sounds, & use the same "babbles" to refer to things. i'm not going to stress yet, since i think their hearing is fine, & we were expecting some language delay, but i'm def bringing it up at their 12 mo. check up next month. in the meantime, we use the right words to refer to things. which usually results in them replying with their own "words"... but i'm thinking they'll catch on eventually, it will just take longer bc they have each other to reinforce their "words." or at least, that's my thinking.... we'll see how it pans out...

just one

it's weird being pg with a singleton. maybe its just bc i was so recently pg with twins, but it's just odd. the movements are so different, & that's weird. but weirder than that is that i still think in terms of 2. we often forget & say when "they" get here, i think just bc we're so used to referring to everything in terms of multiples. it's totally bizzarre to me to think of all the things i won't have to do, bc this is just ONE baby... we won't BOTH have to get up at every feeding, breastfeeding won't be an hour & a half long enterprise involving lots of pumping & reflux prevention, NICU time is super unlikely (thank God!!!).... honestly, i have a hard time imagining what it will be like to have just one. (i know we won't really have just one, since the boys will be 14mos when 3 is born, but still-- just ONE newborn.... how crazy will that be?)

i'm actually kind of sad that 3 won't have a twin. as the boys get older, they are sooooo attached to each other. they genuinely love each other's company & hate to be parted. they have such a great time playing together, & i really hope that 3 grows to be included in their little world. don't get me wrong, being pg with twins was incredibly difficult & dangerous for all 3 of us so i don't want to put any more children thru that. i know how lucky we were to make it to 33 weeks after PTL at 26 weeks, & have a only a 3 week NICU stay, etc, etc, but if it weren't so dangerous for the kids i'd wish for more twins in an instant. not that i'm really bummed about havinga singleton either-- i think it will be kind of a cool parenting experience to get to raise both & i'm sure there are benefits to having kids one at a time, but i can't help but worry that 3 will be lonely....

sounds silly i know, when the kids will all be barely a year apart... but still.....

why i don't tell people we used clomid. (or, shut up & mind your own business)

i'm not ashamed or embarassed that we used clomid to concieve our boys. after the loss of our second son, i had a uterine infection from retained tissue, multiple D&C's & drugs to clear things up, & no longer ovulated on my own. you can't get pregnant without ovulating & clomid did that for us. we used it responsibly & under medical supervision, & with full knowledge that it might result in multiples (especially since fraternal twins already run in my family.) i am thrilled that it worked for us, & that it helped bring us our sweet boys.
when i was pregnant, i swore i would never be one of those women who wouldn't discuss her struggles, or who'd mind talking about what we needed to do to get pregnant.

& then we had twins, & the comments started.

my biggest pet peeve is other twin moms, who didn't need help concieving & therefore view their twins as the "real thing". as though somehow i am less of a twin mom bc i was on clomid when we concieved. moms who use IVF, IUI's, or plain old fertilty drugs are no less of a mother, & i hated hearing the smug insinuations of "fertile" moms of multiples. if someone concieves a singleton while using fertility treatments, she doesn't hear "well, MY baby is the real thing bc we concieved him without drugs" so why do those of us lucky enough to have multiples have to be subjected to it?
the other reason i quit talking about clomid is just the plain insensitivity of most people. for me, our need to use clomid will be forever linked to the loss of our son & a very dark time in life. in the time since then, unfortunately i've found that most people are not sensitive to the realities of pregnancy loss. through well-meaning ignorance, or just plain callousness, they make too many cruel comments & my skin just isn't thick enough to brush them off consistently.

so i no longer discuss conception with most people. strangers get a complete brush off, bc frankly, it really is none of their business. (to me a stranger asking how we concieved our boys is akin to asking what sexual position we used. it's intrusive & rude, & will always get a polite "i don't discuss that with people i don't know.") & for most others, unless it's approached with respect, sensitivity & compassion, i simply refuse to discuss it. i NEVER ask other moms how they concieved (with the exception of fertility & TTC forums, etc, where those questions are invited), bc i assume that if they wanted me to know, they would have shared that information with me.
privacy is already too devalued in our society, & i don't understant the need to pry into the most private details of a person's life, such as conception, & then comment on that person's choices. my sons are no less my sons bc we needed help to concieve them. i am their real mom, they ARE real people (all 4 of them, my boys in heaven & my boys here on earth), & if you can't approach a fellow mother with compassion & respect, then shut up & mind your own business.

uh-oh...

conrad has a cold, & for him, colds always turn into lots of puking. his tummy just can't tolerate much snot, so up it comes, after every feeding. sigh... i'm switching to smaller amounts & will keep him on nice bland solids today, but if any one has any anti-puke tips to offer, i'm listening. poor baby really hates throwing up.

& this also pry means that val will be sick too shortly. fingers crossed this doesn't turn into more respiratory problems for anyone...

& some brotherly cuteness-- i just put the guys down for their morning nap & con (poor guy) had a big puke as i was laying him down. so up we get to clean everything. val, who had been snoozing in his crib, got up & crawled to where we were, & when i layed conrad down with val to change sheets, val snuggled right up to his bro making little "mamamamama" noises. i swear it was like he was trying to comfort his brother. so, so sweet.

i love those boys.

A bunch of random thoughts....

- I've been doing a bunch of experimental cooking lately. I decided N in particular needs to eat healthier, so I'm enforcing some vegetarian meals & we're trying a bunch of new veggies. Tonight it's beets. :) He's being pretty tolerant of my experiments (some of which have been pretty good!) but I know for a meat & potatoes guy it's a big switch. Seriously, before I started cooking, his idea of a fresh veggies was to open a can of corn.

- I like being back in school. It makes me feel productive. Although the thought of starting a full-time program (which I'll have to do when I start the official dental hygiene program) makes me anxious... I hate the thought of leaving my dudes in any one else's care. It would be ok if I could get my mom to babysit... I know she plays with them, reads to them, makes sure they get outside time, etc, at least as much as I do. I just hate the idea of some one parking them in front of a TV or something. Yup, I'm a control freak.

- & at the risk of offending some folks, I have to have a mini-rant. (sorry guys!) It REALLY irks me when a mom of a singleton complains to me about how hard her life is with her ONE full-term baby. How the little one sleeps though the night at 6 weeks, but gee whiz, mom still feels tired. How they just can't get anything done bc they have to carry around their little one, etc, etc. Come on, people. We did feedings every hour and a half when our TWO came home. At 3 months old, we were still feeding every 3 hours. You have to carry your kid around? Lucky you. It is a rare moment when I have the luxury to just hold one of my dudes, without also having to entertain the other one. We treasure every minute of one on one time, & you complain bc you have nothing but one on one time. I know life with newborns is hard. It's supposed to be. They're babies, for pete's sake. I just wish people had some perspective. Parents of multiples & parents of preemies have exponetially more work & guilt & worry, so please don't expect sympathy from us. I can empathize with newborn woes; I'm not a total jerk. But don't expect me to "poor baby" you.

- I have to go shopping for a dress to wear to my friend's wedding soon. They are 2 of our favorite people, & there is no way we're missing this one, even though it's in Chicago & we're still freaked out about layoffs. (The fact they're moving to Madrid afterwards also has something to do with this!) Anyways.... I am so not looking forward to buying a dress. I HATE the little tummy I've acquired... drives me nuts. (Yes, I'm working on it, but it's not gone yet!) & a bunch of my old work cronies will be there, so I want to look totally amazing so I can not only rub in their faces how happy I am since I left that horric job, but how great I look after having twins. (I know this is incredibly petty of me, but at least I'm honest!) The only downside to my plan is that I don't look that amazing yet.... sigh... so I need to find a dress that will help....

- I kinda want to chop my hair into a long bob. I've had layers forever, & want a change form just growing it out. Any opinions? I'll see if I can finda recent picture of me with my hair down....

ok, here are some pics... not the best, but you can see my hair. (the first one was after I accidentally spilled a glass of wine all over me & con man)this one is with my cousin... i'm too lazy to crop him out, but you can still see my hair, i think.

not to be outdone by his brother...

con man is teething too!
he has one working its way thru on top, in front. he's such a good baby we've barely noticed extra grumpiness, but i gave him a frozen washcloth & he gnawed on it like his life depended on it, so it must have felt good. poor little dude!

so lately i have been getting really bored in the afternoons. i have no excuse, as there is always stuff to do around the house, but when the dudes are up & active i try to play with them instead, but i think we've hit a rut. anyone have any brilliant ideas to entertain 4(ish) mo. old babies?
i should probably bite the bullet & start taking them out by myself during the day, it's just SO much work to load up all our gear & move them all by myself... & really, what do you do out by yourself with 2 infants? its too many carseats to go shopping (i can't push both a stroller & a cart), it's rainy & yucky so we can't go to the park, so other than walking random circles around the mall, what is there?

here's our usual activities (in no particular order):
- we read (lots of dr. suess-- the dudes love it)
- we spend lots of time on the floor, playing
- we do some tummy time (they aren't huge fans of this)
- we sing (or i sing, they listen & kick)
- we go for walks (when its nice out)
- we eat (cereal takes a LOOOOONG time with 2 messy mouths feed at each sitting)
- we take sporadic naps (you all now they aren't great nappers)

they're just starting to sit up with support & reach for toys, so playtime is alot of grabbing & chewing & almost rolling over at this point. maybe it's not them that's in a rut, maybe it's just me....

Spoons & Solo-Time

I loooove feeding the boys cereal. i know it can get tedious, but i think spoon feeding is awesome. maybe its bc conrad likes it so much (& val is learning to), or maybe bc it forces some serious one on one time with each boy. multiples really get gypped on one on one face time, so diaper changes & spoon feedings are a big deal in our house. the little dudes get soooo excited-- big smiles, giggles, all kinds of talking; they love it & that makes me love it. they usually have to share attention when we're doing bottles, so we can feed them at the same time, they share playtime, reading, everything except activities that require individual attention, like diapers. i swear, changing stinky diapers is one of the guys absolute favorite things ever. it even makes the giant poopies easier to deal with-- stinky tho it may be, its hard not to smile at a smiling baby, you know?

A Post with No Topic. enjoy the meanader through my mind, folks.

karianne inspired this post, but i have to admit it's been on my mind for a while.

i want another baby. i can't say it any plainer than that. i love my boys, i think they are about as perfect as they come, but i find myself longing for another little one. i want to see the guys be big brothers. our family just doesn't feel "finished" to me, if you know what i mean. i've even starting to think nostalgically about my pregnancy, which as most of you know, was pretty rough.
N thinks i'm nuts. i know he'd like a 3rd too, but he can't believe i'd want to go through the whole pregnancy experience again. he's said outright that he doesn't want to see me go through it all again, & can't understand why i'm so gung-ho to do it. (that said, he already has names picked out for a 3rd, so i know he's willing, even excited about it.)
this is, of course, a terrible time for us to concieve, with N facing a lay off this fall & me not working at all, so patience is essential. (although it's never been one of my better qualities.) so i keep taking my birthcontrol, & hoping against hope that life settles down, so we can get on with our family.

updates on my dudes:
N- still grumpy & stressed out, but doing his best. i'm trying to encourage him to keep job hunting, without turning into an obnoxious nag about it. i'm willing to start looking as well, but N isn't in love with that idea, & no one wants to hire a lawyer right now. stupid worthless expensive education! sigh... i need a new career.. any suggestions? :P
boys- wonderful, of course. con man LOVES cereal-- eats it right up & thinks it's the most fun game ever. he just grins & laughs the entire time, i love it! val is less enthused by the cereal. i know he's hungry, & he doesn't seem to mind the taste, he just isn't on board with spoons. most of his cereal ends up coming right back out of his mouth, but we're persisting. i keep thinking he'll figure out eventually that it's food & then he'll take off. the kid does love to eat, so hopefully he'll catch on soon.

taking the boys to a little local fair this afternoon with my folks. my mom loooves showing them off.
we took them to ikea yesterday so i could check out some storage options, & we attracted a swarm of people where ever we turned. it was like no one had ever seen twins before. my mom, of course was in her element (although she is very good about not allowing people to touch, or get too close) but i get annoyed really easily with that crap. they're just babies, leave them alone folks! i always want to ask how they'd like being followed around by a bunch of strangers craning their necks to try to get a glimpse. i feel like its paparazzi without the cameras. there's always a certain amount of attention, but it was particularly bad yesterday. i don't know why this bothers me so much, i just feel like people treat them like puppies in a window, you know? they're people for pete's sake, give them their privacy. but, since i don't want to raise shut-ins, & it is nice to leave the house, i guess i have to put up with a certain amount of prying eyes when we take them out.
as long as i'm complaining, i also have a bone to pick with fellow twin parents. when we're out, why do you feel the need to tell me about your twins? an empathetic smile, & a "i have twins too" is a nice gesture, but i don't need to hear how you raised yours, or when they sat up for the first time, or how big they were, or any other gory details. if you're asked, great. otherwise, it's just an obnoxious overshare. every kid is different & i will not compare my boys to anyone, twins or otherwise. the "my kid(s) did X before yours" game sucks, & i don't want to play.

it's (sort of) official...

looks like N will be getting laid off in october. i'm not going to say much about his future job plans yet, but we're hopeful we have some options. we'll see....
& we decided this is not the time for me to go back to school. which is really the least of our worries at the moment. sigh... we could use a break. but so could a ton of other families....

all of my family is up north right now (my folks & all my aunts have houses up north in MI in the same neighborhood) so everyone is celebrating the holiday. N is working all week tho, & i decided i wasn't up to a long drive & attempting to "vacation" by myself with the dudes quite yet. especially since they're too little for the beach, & still not sleeping through the night. my folks are really bummed we aren't up there & keep calling to say "come up, come up" but no matter how many times i try to explain the amount of work involved in traveling with multiples who puke all the time & don't yet sleep through the night, they don't quite seem to grasp it how stressful & non-vacation-y a solo trip with the dudes would be. ah well. next year hopefully they'll be sleeping better & puking less & i keep thinking (& please don't tell me if i'm wrong!) that it will be easier to travel with 1 yr old than it is with infants.

where is the sandman?

i'm becoming obsessed with sleep to the point where i find myself fantasizing about my bed. not what happens in the bed, but literally the bed itself-- how soft it is, how warm, how nice it would be to just curl up & sleep & sleep.

the guys are doing just what they're supposed to-- we're up every 3-4 hrs at night, but they're only 7 wks adjusted, so it's cool. mom & dad are just tired. so tired. with 2, there is no alternating feedings so someone can catch a few extra z's. & with reflux, there is no such thing as a quick feeding. they take 1 good nap during the day, but will only sleep in the living room, not in their cribs. apparently they think cribs are strictly for night time. & maybe i'm a bad mommy, but i don't fight them & just let them sleep in the living room. by that point, i'm desperate for a minute to myself, in which to do something really relaxing. like laundry. (can you feel the sarcasm?)

i haven't slept through a night since sometime last august, before i was KU. (having to pee constantly was the first symptom that showed up, around 8 weeks, & it only got worse from then on out.) if they aren't sleeping through the night by august, & i seriously doubt that will happen, i will have gone a whole year without an uninterrupted night's sleep. a year.

i know this is what i signed up for, & i don't really want to rush the baby stage (they're just so cute when they're this little!) but a girl can still dream, right? (at least in theory, since the adults in this house have given up on things like sleep & dreams. ah, the joys of multiples!)

although, now that i've b*****ed about not sleeping, i have to say my favorite part of every day is the early morning hours, when N is at work & the boys are rustling in their cribs but not ready to wake up. i always bring them into bed with me to stretch their sleep a bit longer, & i lay semi-awake with my little dudes snuggled up on top of me. even exhausted & running on fumes, those early morning cuddles are the best part of my day. i guess sleep can wait a few more months, at least. :)

"yes, they're twins. no, you can't touch them."

i thought that bc multiples are becoming more & more common that we wouldn't draw that much attention when we go out. i mean, it's not like we have septuplets or something. but just about every time we go anywhere we get stares & brilliant comments like "are they twins?" i know i shouldn't be annoyed, but i feel like answering-- "no, one belongs to my husband's mistress." just to see what happens. obviously they're twins. why else would i be carting around 2 infants who are clearly the same age?
another favorite is "are they identical?" if you're only looking at photos, ok, it's a little harder. but in person, come on-- they are obviously not identical. which leads to another favorite-- "they don't look like twins." sure they do-- they just don't look like identical twins. considering that fraternal twins are so much more common, i don't know why people assume twins have to look exactly alike.
as long as i'm venting, here is one of my biggest peeves--i've also noticed kids are really drawn to the boys. most little kids are interested in babies, but "twins" seems to kick it up a notch. which is ok, as long as the parents are vigilant. i don't care how sweet you think it is that your LO wants to see the babies, i do NOT want your germy child breathing in my babies' faces, let alone trying to touch them. what is it with these parents? grrrr....

is this a growth spurt?

it has been a brutal couple days. the guys have been super demanding every morning & every evening-- starting at 5am (when night time seems to end for them) they're up every hour, demanding food. they're practically hysterical-- i have to actually calm them down before they can eat, they get so upset. & then they only want an ounce or two. they actually end up eating more, bc they eat more often, but they eat less at each feeding. this lasts until around 11am-noon, & then they're back on our usual schedule (3-4 oz every 3 hours or so) until around 8pm, when the crazy fussy binges start all over, except now they want 3-4 oz. every hour & a half or so. it's nuts! that will last until around 11pm-midnight, & then they sleep great until 5 am again (getting up only once to eat). val has also started having super fussy periods for a few hours every night, where he just wants to be held and walked around. he's perfectly calm & happy as long as i'm moving, but as soon as i sit down, he's screaming. i'm sure this is all perfectly normal & some sort of baby phase, & i'm sure they're going through it at the same time bc they're twins & all, but geez! i'm exhausted!!! they are almost 5 wks old adjusted... did any one else go through something like this with their LOs? are they in a growth spurt? or is this just a fun new way to wear out momma? :P

in more fun news, my best bud M & i are taking the dudes over to her mom's pool (they're really good family friends). of course we won't be swimming, (its only like 70 here & there is NO way i'm getting in a swimsuit anytime soon!) but it will be very fun to get out of the house, & D (buddy M's mom) hasn't seen the guys since they were a few weeks old. should be fun! :)

Sex After Babies

For those of you don't want to hear about my sex life, quit reading now. For the rest of you, sorry guys, but I have to vent!

For those who don't know, I was on pelvic rest basically my entire pregnancy with the guys, at first due to baby A's (now known as Val) placenta being over my cervix, & later due to the preterm labor scare. & then there was the 6 week wait post c-section. Since then, we manage to get it on maybe once a week. N is feeling deprived, since prior to the pregnancy, we were an every day couple. He's been fairly patient, but I know he's frustrated, & in turn I'm getting frustrated with him for pouting over the lack of sex.

Case in point: Last night, we got the boys to bed early & jumped in bed ourselves for some fun. Of course, as the mommies among you know, as soon as we got in bed, the guys woke up & started crying for food. & there is no way I can focus on sex when my little ones need me, you know? Hungry babies come first, in my mind. So we get up to feed the guys, which ends up being an hour long process bc of Con's reflux attacks & Val's huge appetite. By the time they're back in bed, I am exhausted & sex is the last thing on my mind. (Did I mention I haven't slept more than four hours for the past week? & I mean broken up 4 hours, not a 4 hour stretch. & I let N take a giant 4 hour nap yesterday afternoon bc he was getting super cranky. So yeah, I was (& am) really tired.) N, of course, wants to pick up where we left off, & when I say I have to sleep, he gets all disapointed & pouty. Which leaves me feeling guilty, so I try to explain to him that it's not that I don't want to have sex, it's that I can't be all things to all 3 men in my life at all times right now-- there just aren't enough hours in the day to keep them all happy & still have time to sleep, let alone 2 minutes to myself. I know the "mom" role is taking precedence over the "wife" role right now, & I feel bad about that, but I'm doing the best I can.

I'm on my own for 14 hours a day with the boys when N works, & when he's home, I'm still the one doing laundry, washing bottles, doing the grocery shopping, the cooking, & taking care of the critters at least 80% of the time. I have to prompt him to do baby things (i.e. it's time to change the babies, it's time to feed the babies, play with the babies, whatever.) He is totally willing to hang out with the guys, but he's not very self-motivated. (& then I second guess myself, & think maybe it's just me being all type-A about this stuff. But seriously, if the baby is hungry, you feed him. you don't wait until he's screaming hysterically. seems obvious to me, but maybe it's not.) & yes, N works & I don't, so the majority of the baby care is my "job" & I don't mind doing it, but I feel then he shouldn't be surprised when I'm exhausted at the end of the day & not up for sex.

& finally, (this is about to be TMI, sorry), but sex still hurts for me. It's fun during, but not so fun after. It's nothing permanent & is totally related to me still breastfeeding & the birth control I'm on right now, but still, it sucks. & knowing that I'm going to be really uncomfortable for a good while afterwards does not provide much incentive to get it on frequently.

& N really is (mostly) understanding about all this. Or at least he says the right things, but it's just lip service. I know he's annoyed but just won't say so. I would almsot rather he just b****ed about it like any other guy instead of playing the martyr with me. It's a temporary problem for pete's sake, at some point I will stop breastfeeding, the boys will start sleeping & I can switch birthcontrol pills. But for now, I'd appreciate a bit more understanding & a bit less pouting.

If he was serious about getting more, then an offer to let me nap, or have an hour to myself, or even just initiating some baby care on his own without me prompting him would go a long way towards getting me in bed more often. Honestly, at this point, although it is still fun during & I know it's good for our relationship, sex has become just one more thing I have to do to keep my family happy. It's a job. & I know that really offends N, but at least I'm still willing to have sex, right? Why can't he just take advantage of the fact that I'm willing, without being insulted about how I shouldn't feel "obligated"? Of course, I'm obligated, I'm his wife! If I really didn't want to, I wouldn't.

I know this has turned into a really long rant, but I have one more complaint, & it has nothing to do with N. I know that I should consider myself lucky that my husband still finds me attractive enough to want to have sex with me, despite the fact that my a** has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like a detailed map of Detroit. (Either that, or he's so desperate I could be Medusa & he'd take his chances just to get laid!) But I don't feel attractive. I feel pudgy, & totally tore up from the neck down. Having twins destroys your body if you're short & skinny, & I'm only 2 1/2 mos. post delivery. Don't get me wrong, the boys are absolutely worth it, & I'm sure it will get better with time, but feeling super ugly does NOT inspire one to get naked, you know? Of course, that's my own personal problem & exists just in my own head, but it's still there. N was never one to give alot of compliments, & I never needed them before, but it sure might help to hear some now. Although asking for them jsut seems pathetic, you know?