like sands through the hourglass...

these are the days of our lives.

& man, are they flying! i feel like we just brought emma home yesterday, & yet she's almost 6 weeks old. every day is one event after another until we can all crash out for a few hours then start it all over again. & i think that, for me, is the biggest difference in becoming a family of 5, with 3 babies.

i had thought that life with twins was task-oriented, but this is even more so. most days, i am occupied with taking care of another person from the minute i wake until the minute i fall asleep. every. single. minute. & on the days when N is off work (like today) i might be lucky enough to snag a few minutes to myself to shower alone, or make a real dinner, or (like now) get some computer time while doing nothing more taxing than holding a sleeping em.

so far so good, i'm staying sane & manage to escape the house for maybe an hour or so on occasion to grab groceries, & that has been enough. i like to be busy, & i actually enjoy the chaos (to an extent). i wouldn't have so many little kids if i didn't kind of like the crazy. but i am amazed at how little time there is in a day. even on days when the boys are having fits of the screaming-meemees, & emma refuses to exist peacefully anywhere but in my arms, i'm still usually too busy to spend much time stressing over it.

eveyone has had to make some adjustmets in regard to the reduced mom-time, & mostly the boys are doing ok. they're used to sharing mom, just not with a baby as well as their brother, so we've had some hariy moments. N has also had to find some extra wells of patience, since adding to kate's mom duties necessarily takes away a bit from kate the wife.

as much as i might like to fast forward to the part where i can sleep again, or have uninterrupted sex, or even just be able to shower every day, after seeing the way time has been sailing by since emma arrived i don't really want to rush her baby days. i know this will all improve with time, & eventually i will find myself again in the chaos. so for now i'm ok to tread water. i'm just hoping i can keep it up for a few more months before i start sinking.

sex after baby

what do you think of it?

i know i'm ridiculously lucky that N (who i think is pretty hot. & still looks as good as he ever did, unlike yours truly) still wants me. i find my post-babies body about as un-hot as it's possible to be. i'm covered in angry red stretch marks, my belly sags from 2 years of being pregnant, i'm carrying about 20 extra pounds right now, my boobs leak. yeah, yeah, yeah, i should appreciate my body for the miracle it is & be proud i bore 3 beautiful, healthy kids. but let's be honest, that BS only goes so far. i know i'll get back in shape & lose the weight eventually, but in the meantime i really don't get how N can possibly still find me attractive.

& it's not like he's hounding me for sex. what with the c-section that didn't heal (all the problems with my incision have really delayed healing & it's super annoying for many reasons), the 3 babies (one a nursing newborn), & lack of sleep etc, he is well aware sex isn't happening for a while. but he is hoping for some alternative action, & honestly i just haven't been up for that either.

so we had a talk about all this & how sex is hard in the immediate post-baby months for mom, etc, etc. & what it comes down to is that sex is important in our marriage & i want to make a better effort to at least work in some intimate moments. really, all the man is asking for is some occasional make-out sessions, & maybe a little alternative gratification worked in once in a while. so i tell him i'm willing, & he gets upset that i'd take this on as an obligation, rather than as something i want. so i was trying to explain that for me, at least, obligation isn't necessarily a bad thing. i always enjoy it once i make myself do it, but i have to make myself make time to be my husband's wife. otherwise, being my kids' mom takes over & becomes an all-consuming role.

ultimately i think it's an effort worth making, & i'm glad N can put voice to what he needs, without having unrealistic expectations, but getting back in the saddle is always a bit rough for me. it took about 6 mos after the boys were born for me to feel enough myself to really jump into things with abandon again. (& then of course we got preggo with emma... go figure!) so while i'm hoping it doesn't take that long again, i'm sort of approaching post-baby sex this time around with a "if you build it, they will come" approach.

She

is here!
Emma X., May 31, 2010, 5:33am. 8lbs 10oz, 20 inches, & perfect in every way.

A bunch of random thoughts....

- I've been doing a bunch of experimental cooking lately. I decided N in particular needs to eat healthier, so I'm enforcing some vegetarian meals & we're trying a bunch of new veggies. Tonight it's beets. :) He's being pretty tolerant of my experiments (some of which have been pretty good!) but I know for a meat & potatoes guy it's a big switch. Seriously, before I started cooking, his idea of a fresh veggies was to open a can of corn.

- I like being back in school. It makes me feel productive. Although the thought of starting a full-time program (which I'll have to do when I start the official dental hygiene program) makes me anxious... I hate the thought of leaving my dudes in any one else's care. It would be ok if I could get my mom to babysit... I know she plays with them, reads to them, makes sure they get outside time, etc, at least as much as I do. I just hate the idea of some one parking them in front of a TV or something. Yup, I'm a control freak.

- & at the risk of offending some folks, I have to have a mini-rant. (sorry guys!) It REALLY irks me when a mom of a singleton complains to me about how hard her life is with her ONE full-term baby. How the little one sleeps though the night at 6 weeks, but gee whiz, mom still feels tired. How they just can't get anything done bc they have to carry around their little one, etc, etc. Come on, people. We did feedings every hour and a half when our TWO came home. At 3 months old, we were still feeding every 3 hours. You have to carry your kid around? Lucky you. It is a rare moment when I have the luxury to just hold one of my dudes, without also having to entertain the other one. We treasure every minute of one on one time, & you complain bc you have nothing but one on one time. I know life with newborns is hard. It's supposed to be. They're babies, for pete's sake. I just wish people had some perspective. Parents of multiples & parents of preemies have exponetially more work & guilt & worry, so please don't expect sympathy from us. I can empathize with newborn woes; I'm not a total jerk. But don't expect me to "poor baby" you.

- I have to go shopping for a dress to wear to my friend's wedding soon. They are 2 of our favorite people, & there is no way we're missing this one, even though it's in Chicago & we're still freaked out about layoffs. (The fact they're moving to Madrid afterwards also has something to do with this!) Anyways.... I am so not looking forward to buying a dress. I HATE the little tummy I've acquired... drives me nuts. (Yes, I'm working on it, but it's not gone yet!) & a bunch of my old work cronies will be there, so I want to look totally amazing so I can not only rub in their faces how happy I am since I left that horric job, but how great I look after having twins. (I know this is incredibly petty of me, but at least I'm honest!) The only downside to my plan is that I don't look that amazing yet.... sigh... so I need to find a dress that will help....

- I kinda want to chop my hair into a long bob. I've had layers forever, & want a change form just growing it out. Any opinions? I'll see if I can finda recent picture of me with my hair down....

ok, here are some pics... not the best, but you can see my hair. (the first one was after I accidentally spilled a glass of wine all over me & con man)this one is with my cousin... i'm too lazy to crop him out, but you can still see my hair, i think.

To Spoil or Not to Spoil?

this is another 1 handed post, due to conrad the puke-master (poor baby!) so please forgive my typing...


IT'S FREE WING TUESDAY!! ( the bw3's by our house gives away a wing for a wing on Tuesdays & n & i are becoming buffalo wing junkies--yum!) & we have game 3 of the wings/ blue jackets series tonight (hockey for the non-sports fans), so its shaping up to be a good day despite the fact that i haven't had a free hand all day. (the dudes are needing lots of holding for some reason, so between them & pumping, i'm a one-armed momster today!)

random poll: what are your thoughts on "spoiling" babies?

i am of the "you can't spoil a newborn" school-- we respond to every cry, so there is no "let him cry it out" in our house. i think they're just too young & all "spoiling" does at this point is teach them that they are safe & loved. i know people have different theories on this though, & my opinions are definitely colored by our NICU stay, where you can't always be there to comfort, etc. so what do you all think-- can you spoil a baby?

Feeling Human

for once! :)

We just got back from the guy's doc appt, & good news-- they each gained a TON this past week! At least 2oz per day per boy! So Val is now 6lb12.5oz & Con 7lb1/2oz. They're doing really well, so I got an ok to increase the breastfeeding sessions to 2 a day (we can supplement with formula or EBM (expressed breastmilk) as needed of course), & we can start doing some normal newborn things like tummy time, etc. N gave in & we now have bouncers that are newborn appropriate & they are AWESOME. Both guys are hanging out in them now, & it is fabulous-- no one is puking, N & I both have our hands free, it's really, really, really great. (Did I mention its GREAT?)

We also got an ok to take the guys out to non-people filled venues (like a walk around the neighborhood.) Still not up to grocery stores etc, but I'll take a short trip outside-- just being able to leave the house sounds like heaven, so I'm pretty happy with that.

N & I had a good talk this morning, & he agreed to take off til 1 week past their due date (which is all I wanted originally, so I'm happy.) That way, hopefully my mom will be healthy again & can help, I can have a trial run being "on my own" at night while N is still here & available to help, & I think that will help me feel a little more confident, although I'm sure I'll still totally freak out a ton more between now & then. (yay for postpartum hormones & lack of sleep induced insanity!)

N finally 'fessed up on why he's been acting so oddly. Basically, while we're thrilled to finally be parents, having 2 little people consuming all of your time & resources (financial, emotional & otherwise) really highlights all the things you haven't done yet in your life. It's like he's having a "midlife crisis" at 30. Which is ok. I can understand that, I just need him to share those thoughts with me, otherwise I start thinking he resents me & the guys (which is totally where my mind has been headed lately) & then I start to resent him for daring to be frustrated. (bc let's be honest, no matter how amazing & helpful dad is, mom is the one who really gets the sh*t end of the stick when caring for newborns. it's just how it is, by virtue of having boobs & mommy-brain.*)

so that's where we are today. it's better place. still sleep deprived & scary, but more in control & optimistic. once again, the guys are fussing... must be time to eat!

*mommy-brain= the inability to focus on anything but your baby's cries when said baby is wailing for any reason.

N & the Con-man

Val in his bouncer (yay!)

Zombie Life

Newborn sleep poll: how many hours together would your LO(s) sleep when you first brought them home?

Just curious...
:)

I actually have the use of both arms for a little while right now... both guys are asleep (in theory) in the bedroom, & N is out. Too bad I am too brain fried to come up with a decent post!! :P

My guys are on a 2 day bender of waking up starving every 2 hrs right now, & it has turned N & me into total zombies. He just left for the bank to pay our mortgage (the idiots screwed it up again, & seem to think that our only house is a vacation house & jacked us for a bunch of taxes we don't really owe, so he has to actually go see the bank people to fix it. grrr....) Anyways, other than to say "you want to get bottles or diapers?" & "when are you leaving?" we haven't spoken since around 11pm last night. (don't worry, am not stressed over the lack of convo, am just using it as a barometer of how exhausted we both are.) The reflux trauma is really a kicker, since a screaming miserable baby is not condusive to any one of the 4 of us getting some sleep.

Just for fun, here's a brief glimpse into my day: wake up to fussy boys, fix bottles (yup, its breastmilk, but we're still using almost entirely expressed stuff), change val, change con, clean everything they may have managed to pee/poo on, feed a baby, burp a baby, (if con-- keep holding for a while in hopes of gettting him to sleep), put boys down to sleep, pump, do dishes/laundry/animal care, grab baby who is now crying & refluxing & hold until asleep again, sit for maybe 1/2 hr in lack of sleep induced stupor, repeat. we do this all day with slight variations, & at night i try to sleep instead of doing laundry.

i hear val crying, so i'm off to start the cycle again. :D if i weren't totally in love with these little boys, i think i'd be nuts by now--lol!