Alcohol & Know-It-Alls

I'm taking a nutrition class (required for the dental hygiene program) & last night was our lecture on alcohol, which of course included alcoholism. The professor goes over the health problems caused by prolonged abuse, cirrhosis of the liver being one of the msot serious. She mentions that if it gets bad enough, the only real treatment is a transplant. At this point, a super obnoxious girl who sits behind me decides to chip in with her 2 cents. (if you've ever been in any kind of higher education you pry know the type. she knows everything about everything & has either personally experienced every ailment discussed in class or knows some one who has. & of course, bc of her great wealth of personal experience, she knows more about any given topic than anyone else including the professor. she also brings brownies to this class (did i mention it's a nutrition class?) & frequently spouts off about her incredibly healthy vegan lifestyle, despite the fact that she weighs over 200lbs & seemingly eats packaged brownies like candy. i'm sure you can already tell how much i appreciate her commentary.)

anyways, last night's discussion of alcoholism hit close to home for me, as i have watched someone very close to me struggle with it for over 20 years before finally becoming clean almost 3 years ago. we saw withdrawl in all its horrid glory, as this person quite cold turkey (a stupid, stupid & very dangerous way to quit for a serious addict, in case anyone is wondering.) we saw the after effects, the altered personality, the tremors, the halucinations (no, it's not just drug addicts who go through that kind of withdrawl) & it was incredibly scary, even more so bc this person (my dad) is also a diabetic, which is pretty much the worst additional disease an alcoholic can have. the combo is super dangerous & damaging & we are incredibly lucky that he is here & well & sober today.

so when the professor is talking about transplants, this idiot brownie-eating girl has the balls to say that alcoholics don't deserve the chance, bc their problem is of their own making. excuse me, but who gave her the power to judge another human being? what right does she, or anyone, have to say that a man like my dad, who, although far from perfect, is working to turn his life around, does not deserve the chance to live a life free from addiction? Addicts are not by definition evil people. They have mothers & fathers & sisters & husbands & wives & children who love them, just like any other person.

The ability of some folks to condemn an entire population of people through ignorance, or lack of compassion, or just plain meanness infuriates & amazes me, & leaves me feeling somehow disapointed with the human race generally.

A bunch of random thoughts....

- I've been doing a bunch of experimental cooking lately. I decided N in particular needs to eat healthier, so I'm enforcing some vegetarian meals & we're trying a bunch of new veggies. Tonight it's beets. :) He's being pretty tolerant of my experiments (some of which have been pretty good!) but I know for a meat & potatoes guy it's a big switch. Seriously, before I started cooking, his idea of a fresh veggies was to open a can of corn.

- I like being back in school. It makes me feel productive. Although the thought of starting a full-time program (which I'll have to do when I start the official dental hygiene program) makes me anxious... I hate the thought of leaving my dudes in any one else's care. It would be ok if I could get my mom to babysit... I know she plays with them, reads to them, makes sure they get outside time, etc, at least as much as I do. I just hate the idea of some one parking them in front of a TV or something. Yup, I'm a control freak.

- & at the risk of offending some folks, I have to have a mini-rant. (sorry guys!) It REALLY irks me when a mom of a singleton complains to me about how hard her life is with her ONE full-term baby. How the little one sleeps though the night at 6 weeks, but gee whiz, mom still feels tired. How they just can't get anything done bc they have to carry around their little one, etc, etc. Come on, people. We did feedings every hour and a half when our TWO came home. At 3 months old, we were still feeding every 3 hours. You have to carry your kid around? Lucky you. It is a rare moment when I have the luxury to just hold one of my dudes, without also having to entertain the other one. We treasure every minute of one on one time, & you complain bc you have nothing but one on one time. I know life with newborns is hard. It's supposed to be. They're babies, for pete's sake. I just wish people had some perspective. Parents of multiples & parents of preemies have exponetially more work & guilt & worry, so please don't expect sympathy from us. I can empathize with newborn woes; I'm not a total jerk. But don't expect me to "poor baby" you.

- I have to go shopping for a dress to wear to my friend's wedding soon. They are 2 of our favorite people, & there is no way we're missing this one, even though it's in Chicago & we're still freaked out about layoffs. (The fact they're moving to Madrid afterwards also has something to do with this!) Anyways.... I am so not looking forward to buying a dress. I HATE the little tummy I've acquired... drives me nuts. (Yes, I'm working on it, but it's not gone yet!) & a bunch of my old work cronies will be there, so I want to look totally amazing so I can not only rub in their faces how happy I am since I left that horric job, but how great I look after having twins. (I know this is incredibly petty of me, but at least I'm honest!) The only downside to my plan is that I don't look that amazing yet.... sigh... so I need to find a dress that will help....

- I kinda want to chop my hair into a long bob. I've had layers forever, & want a change form just growing it out. Any opinions? I'll see if I can finda recent picture of me with my hair down....

ok, here are some pics... not the best, but you can see my hair. (the first one was after I accidentally spilled a glass of wine all over me & con man)this one is with my cousin... i'm too lazy to crop him out, but you can still see my hair, i think.

Vacation is Over.

We're back. sigh....
I didn't realize how badly I needed to get out of here. (I took the dudes north to my folks' place on lake huron for the past week. it was WONDERFUL.) Even though I was stilll doing the bulk of the work that I usually do (all baby related, of course), somehow it was refreshing to be doing it in another place. I feel like myself again, not a boring, bored housewife.
& boy did I need to recharge. I feel so much better I didn't even feel like complaining that N hadn't done laundry, washed dishes or gone grocery shopping since I left. It was like the house was frozen in time. poor N really missed us, which made me feel less like a comfy piece of furniture & more like a valued wife. I know that sounds awful, but I really think sometimes you have to leave to make a guy realize what he's got. & I hate feeling like furniture.
I have some great pics of the dudes doing all kinds of fun baby things up north (babies at the beach, babies at the fair, babies on the deck, & other sundry activities), that i'll try to get up in another post. N is working late tonight, the boys are asleep, & I should be doing homework, but i'm lacking the motivation.
hoping the sense of well-being I picked up this past week hangs out for a while... with school & the lay off stress, I could really use the extra zen-ness in my life. at least I finally got a bit of a summer vacation. bring it on fall-- I'm ready.


p.s. i promise i'll catch up on blogs soon.... i'll read up the next couple days & reappear in comments, i swear!

an explanation

that last post seems pretty pathetic, doesn't it?

i just feel like i should KNOW what i'm doing by now, you know? i wanted to teach in college, (hindsight, that's probably what i should have stuck with), but was talked out of it by my dad's near constant stream of how little teachers make, why did i go to U of M if i wanted to teach, blah blah blah. & so i went to law school, which is what everyone expected of me. i got into a good school, got scholarships (only partial tho, which is a big bummer now that i'm not making bank anymore), & did everything i was supposed to-- ended up at a big money job in chicago, at a big firm, working 100 hrs a week, exactly like i was supposed to. my dad got bragging rights ("my daughter's a lawyer, etc") & i hated my life.
i know it probably sounds stupid to people who grew up in normal families, that i could be so affected by what other people think of me. i think its a legacy of growing up in an abusive home. don't get me wrong, i was never hit, (although i can't say the same for my brother), but the emotional abusive was insidious & constant. as an adult, i know it was the alcohol, not us, that was the problem, but the WHY something happens doesn't matter nearly as much as the effects. whatever your intent is, its your actions that matter. i try very hard to make my actions match my intent, bc i know too well how it feels to be told "of course he means well, he loves you" & KNOW with every fiber of my being, based on everything that i saw, felt & experienced, that those words were lies.
i think that's why i've always gone to such great lengths to please & impress. it's the "if i'm perfect enough, i'll be loved" syndrome. & maybe that's why i feel so guilty & loser-like walking away from my history master's. i really think, in my heart of hearts, that the right thing for me to do is to invest my time & money in a career with more certain prospects. so what if it's an associate's degree. no, "my daughter is a dental hygienist" doesn't sound as good as "my daughter is a lawyer", but in the real world, who cares? shouldn't it be more important that i am happy & satisfied as a wife & mom, pursuing a career that i'll enjoy & that will help provide for my family?
10 years ago, even 5 years ago, i would have let the off-the-cuff remarks about how i'm wasting my talents push me towards another bad decision. i've stopped letting this kind of self-defeating crap change my mind, but i haven't been able to banish the thoughts. & so i'm left here, second guessing myself & beating myself up for another "failure".
i love my dad, & he can be a wonderful person, & now that's he's stopped drinking, he is more & more the person he should always have been, but 25 years of behavior can't be erased in 3 sober years. i'm not even sure he recognizes how his behavior affected my brother & me. i'd love an apology, some understanding of how he hurt us, but i'd settle for him learning to love & respect the person i am, instead of the person he thinks i should be.

a footnote-- this is private stuff, so please keep any remarks about it on my blog & no where else. (including in the real world, miss m!) thanks guys....

I'm going to do it...maybe...

I'm going back to school this fall. I've been off & on for the past year and a half what with the health problems after our 2nd miscarriage, then the months of bedrest & NICU time with the boys' pregnancy. N & I had a big talk about it & he is firmly convinced that I should stick with historic preservation, rather than switching to a cheaper degree in some healthcare related field. (Which I debated, in hopes that it might be easier to find a job in Michigan's sh*t economy.) When all is said & done though, I don't plan on going back to work until the kids are older so I have several years to wrap up degree #3 & hope the job situation here improves. & in all honesty, if I'm going to do something that takes me away from my family, I'd like it to be for something I enjoy. I've had a job a hated & the emotional costs weren't worth the money. I think I'll start with just one class this fall, and emailed the head of my program to meet up & discuss my options since I've been out of the loop for so long.

I still feel guilty about this decision, like its irresponsible of me to pursue a degree that will cost us more $, when we have 2 LOs at home. & maybe it is. Now that I've made the decision, I can't stop questioning it. We're still paying my student loans from law school after all. N seems so sure that I should do what I want instead of just settling for something to save us some $, but I can't help but feel incredibly selfish about this. It's such a gamble-- will the job market here open up in a few years? would I really be happy in the long run if I settled for a so-so job? will we still be secure financially if we have to pay for another 2 years of a master's program?

I need a crystal ball...

Prelude To My Dilemma

When I was 18, I wanted to be a lawyer. I would graduate college, go straight into law school, get a job in Chicago when I finished law school, marry another lawyer or similar professional & have kids sometime after 30.

Everything started off according to plan-- I graduated college early, spent a semester in Italy, went straight to law school, got the big job in Chicago, was dating the "right" kind of professional, & was on my way to having everything I said I'd wanted. Except I hated my life-- I hated the job, I didn't like living in the city (I really missed green space-- I've never since underestimated the charms of grass!), & the guy (while nice enough) just didn't "fit" with the people who really mattered to me. But I kept on, thinking of all the people I'd disappoint by walking away. & so I continued until my life fell apart.

I met N on a trip home to Michigan, & despite all my best efforts, fell completely in love with a cop from a hick town who was living in the city where I swore I'd never live again. We did the long-distance thing for too long while we tried to figure out where to live. My dad got honest about his drinking, nearly tearing apart our family, work got increasingly miserable. N & I lost our first child right in the midst of this. It was then that I finally gave up on the life I thought I should have, & went after the life I wanted.

I moved home to Michigan, & in with N. I was able to be there for the healing process as my dad got sober. N & I got married, & he encouraged me to go back to school, this time for something I wanted to do (someday I'll write about why I went to law school in the first place, but now isn't the time). I found the perfect master's program at our hometown university & enrolled in the historic preservation program, which I loved. I worked on a project in the field (documenting a historic farm) & was even happier with my chosen profession-to-be.

Around this time, N & I got pregnant again & I thought I really was about to have everything I'd always wanted-- a family of my own, my wonderful husband & a career I actually enjoyed. & then we lost our son. & I got sick. Sick in my mind, my heart, & my body. I had an infection from a botched D&C & had to withdraw from classes temporarily. After loads of tests, we decided not to wait to TTC & eventually found ourselves pregnant again-- with twins! By this time, I was back in school part time & had finally found a job I liked (no easy feat in Michigan's economy) teaching pre-school. We found out we were considered a high risk pregnancy & have spent almost this entire pregnancy on restrictions & now bedrest (I'm not complaining, it's just the facts.) So I had to resign my job & again take a break from classes.

Because I don't want to practise law ever again (& can't get a job here anyways-- believe me, I tried. Everyone is laying off lawyers, not hiring.) & because what I was making as a pre-school teacher (the only other profession I have any worthwhile experience in) is barely enough to cover the cost of childcare for 2 infants, we decided I would stay home with the boys for their first few years while I finished school. By the time I'm done, they should be headed to pre-school anyways, & I can head back to work.



My Dilemma:

& now here's the reason for my long drawn out story about the past 6 years-- I'd like to go back to school in the fall. However, Michigan has cut funding to essentially every place that would hire a preservationist. The private arenas are hurting as well-- there's no money for land trusts to hire, museums are cutting back; in short, it's not looking good. I already have plenty of student loans from law school that N (bless his heart) is covering while I'm not working & we do NOT want to add to the total, especially with yet another degree that I can't use.

Alternatively, I could get my CDA so I'd make more $ teaching pre-school (assuming I could find a teaching job again), or get certified in radiology or a medical trade (where I probably could find a job). Leaving Michigan isn't an option for us, and while we can make things work on one income, we want the security & freedom that 2 would give us (even if I only work part-time).

N will support my decision whether I stick with preservation or change careers, & I feel like the responsible thing to do is to chose the path that will lead me to a job, even if it's not my dream job. Right?

(At the same time, I can't help but feel a bit like an a** for having all these stupid degrees I'll never use... & while I'll gladly sacrifice my career for our family, I can't say it doesn't hurt a little to have to give it up.)