Quickie Updates (Babies, Laundry, Thanks... )

Thank you so much ladies for the kind offers of help yesterday on our cat crisis... once again you all totally blow me away with your generosity & support. ((HUGS)) & huge waves of gratitude are zipping across country for each of you right now, I feel so blessed to know you all.

I'm in a bit of a rush, but wanted to update quickly before we're off again. Boys are doing ok... there were some concerns Con might have needed to go back on oxygen (pretty alarming to N & me, since he's been off oxygen for a week) but he's been recovering on his own, & always looks good, so they're letting him work through it for now. Val got another bump up in his o2, but is back at 1/2 liter of flow. They're both nippling well & gaining weight-- both guys are now over their birth weight. They're starting to talk circumcision for Con sometime this week if he gets his breathing back under control.

& on the "cat laundry"-- our neonatologist said to wash it well & it should be ok... i'm still super nervous about it, but N is convinced it will be alright. If there are smells or stains, it's gone, but I'm not sure about the rest of the stuff. My mom showed up again today & cleaned furiously & was SO worried about the laundry & the guys. She was crying when we got here, scared for the boys (we told her about Con maybe needing more air). I guess our trip to the NICU finally convinced her of the huge difference between a preemie & a newborn, but I felt AWFUL for making her feel so badly. She really does mean well, & would walk through fire for us & the boys. I just needed my folks to understand the reality of what we're dealing with & didn't know how else to get it across. I feel like I'm living in a permanent state of guilt. We have a very close family & I know we'll work through it, it's just that the "working through it" sucks for everyone.

To those of you who blog/post on the board-- I'm still reading, even if I can't always comment, know I'm still here, following your story & thinking of you.

Chaos

In an effort to be helpful, my mom was putting things away in our second bedroom while we were in the NICU with the guys. She inadvertently shut our cat (Felon) in the room, which is also where we've been storing baby stuff, for 15hrs. We found him, let him out & she offered to wash all the clothes, sheets, etc that had been on the bed where Felon had made his "nest." While doing this, she discovered that he had peed & pooped all over everything on the bed. Specifically, ALL of our boys' things-- clothes, towels, sheets, blankets. Everything. Everything got washed, unfortunately it all got washed with MORE cat poop that somehow got missed & made it through to the dryer. I don't know if any of you are familiar with cat stink, but it NEVER goes away. Everything smells totally foul. She tried vinegar & baking soda-- no help. The clothes, etc. are not bleach safe, & we don't know how to clean this stuff so that its safe for the guys. (& me, since we would like to TTC again & don't want toxoplasmosis.) So we're thinking we have to toss everything. We're going to check with the boys' docs & see what they think, but we don't want our kids hanging out in cat stink-- that stuff is toxic. This would mean everything we got at our shower is gone. The first outfits Val & Con ever wore-- gone.

Sigh.... I'm grateful my guys are doing well, but can't we catch a break on the small stuff in the meantime? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry over our cat crap chaos, so I did both. I'm SOOOO frustrated. Thank God the guys had a good day today or I might have lost it totally.

Another Rough Day

Val is back on higher flow & more o2. It's ok, he's working really hard lately-- they've got him trying bottles now too & the dudes are doing their best. (They've each taken some whole bottles, but are still taking a lot of their feedings by gavage & BFing kind of sucks with a nipple shield. I'm tempted to get rid of the thing, but everyone swears it's good for preemies.) Overall, despite the setbacks today & last night, they're slowly moving in a good direction. (At least according to the NICU staff. N & I are too personally invested to tell much.) I just hate that they have to work so hard right now... they should be blissfully growing away, safe & sound in mom's belly. Instead, they're doing all they can to eat & breathe & stay warm. They're working so hard, & we're so proud of them, but I wish I could have given them just another few weeks.

My mom did ok today.... she didn't listen to my directions (or she did, but immediately forgot & treated them like newborns anyways.) I had to remind her not to rock, not to stroke them, to watch their chin positioning (she claimed she was, but did not & cut off Con's breathing & only listened once the nurse corrected her. Thank God I asked the nurse to hang out & supervise while she was there, or I might have had an "event" myself!) I was a huge stressball all day, & the only good part of the visit for me was that she finally ackowledged that visitors might not be the best idea right now. I really really hope the whole NICU experience sunk in & we'll have less of this "oh, they're fine" crap. I'm so surprised that this is coming from my folks. They're usually so supportive, & I just dont understand their inability to grasp the seriousness of the NICU preemie experience. Anyways, I hpoe today helped, & I already feel guilty both for letting her come & unsettle my guys & for subjecting my mom to the really awful experience of watching the baby you're holding alarm like crazy. The boys are doing ok tho, so most importantly-- no serious harm was done. (Although as I type that I feel even worse for adding stress to my poor little men's lives. Sigh... I just can't win.)

In happy news-- my best friend snuck into our house today & left us several dinners for the week. The girl can't cook to save her life, but got her parents to help out & made some really womderful dinners. When N found her note, I totally burst into tears-- it was completely unexpected & exactly the kind of help we need. She made no demands of us & just gave, & I am beyond grateful.

I am exhausted & still feeling really down.

I miss my babies. So so much. My heart breaks everytime I have to leave them.

Random Updates on LIfe in the NICU

Nolan & Conrad, kangaroo-ing

Today was one of those rough NICU days, for those of you who've had kids there-- you know what I mean. (for those of you who haven't had kids there, I hope you never know what I mean.) The guys are doing ok, it was just a rough one on mom & dad. Val is back on oxygen (which is fine-- anything he needs, we want him to have.) The guys run the show & everything happens at their pace, but some days are just more wearing than others.

Also-- my mom is coming with me to the NICU tomorrow. I don't know that I'll let her touch/hold the guys (we want to keep them as stress-free as possible), but I need a ride up there (N has a mandatory work meeting) & we decided it might be good for her to see what the NICU is really like. Alarms constantly going off & tubes & monitors everywhere, etc. We spoke to our nurse today & she agreed it would be ok, just to move at the boys pace, & that it might actually help to have a nurse explain to her the difference between a preemie & a newborn (i.e. preemies really do have special needs, they are NOT just tiny, cute newborns.) So please cross your fingers it goes well. I know I'm in charge & the nurses are awesome & will give me all the support I need, but I'm still really anxious about her visit. Wish us luck!

Because I'm feeling stressed & anxious, I'm going to focus on something positive...

Breastfeeding rocks. :)

(disclaimer: this is NOT a knock on moms who can't or choose not to breastfeed. It really is a lifestyle change & just doesn't work for everyone. I would NEVER judge of condemn a mom for making a choice other then mine-- we all have to do the best we can with the hand we're dealt.
That said, I adore bf-ing. Even though I'm pumping most of the time (& it is MUCH harder to be motivated to get up every 3 hrs for a pump than it is to get up for my kids), it's one of the few things I can do that really makes me feel like a mom. N loves it too-- he is totally committed to making it as easy for me as possible. he cleans & sets up our pump every time I use it, sterilizes everything every day, keeps a log of when & how long & how much we pump, & brags to anyone who will listen how much milk we're getting & how great it is for the dudes. & it is great for the dudes-- they've had zero residuals left in their tummies since we switched to all breastmilk, they didn't need the jaundice lights, & are gaining weight wonderfully (knock wood.) & there are few things as beautiful as a happy baby sucking away. I know not everyone is as enamored of bf-ing as I am, but I love it. I totally lose track of time & get lost in the private moments I get to share with my sweet boys.

3 posts...

in one day. crazy, i know!

just wanted to say i'll update later on with the dudes' latest, as we had some pretty big changes today. i just REALLY needed to release some steam... i've been really frustrated with the lack of support & needed to grump it for a bit. feeling better now & thanks for listening guys :)

Super Sweet New Hats

Val's "hot tamale" look Conrad in a cool blue puff ball hat, matching his frog suit

Seriously, how cute are they? :D

NICU Related Family Rant, Part II

First-- thank you!!! I wish I could wrap all you ladies in a big hug, I REALLY needed to hear those words of support today.
My mom, who had been our "go-to" person, apparently lost her mind today. My brother is in town, & while we've had this talk with my folks before, it never seems to sink in. My brother can be pretty selfish & has been known to single-handedly ruin family gatherings (& does, nearly everytime he comes home. It's not entirely his fault, as my folks refuse to acknowledge how unreliable he is & continue to rearrange their lives around him. N & I refuse to do this, & it creates some tension.) Anyways, they called last night to see when he bro could see the boys. I said I wasn't sure, & IF he'd be able to, it would have to be time-limited & at a time that didn't disrupt the boys. They were a bit annoyed with that, but seemed willing to work with us. UNTIL-- they told me the bro was sick on Monday. With the flu. & wen we said we're really sorry, but no way is he getting in the NICU then, my mom got SUPER annoyed. I could hear the pissiness in her voice & she actually had the balls to say "but it was over 72 hrs ago & was probably food poisoning." Are you kidding me? When I got upset over her tone & said I don't appreciate her questioning parenting decisions, she said "well, I've had a sick kid before. I think you're just overtired, so I'll let you vent on me, even though I already apologized to N." At that point I was so upset I just hung up. This woman knows what we went through to have these boys. I gave up pretty much everything to keep this pregnancy, we lived in constant fear of losing them, & we already lost 2 kids-- losing another is a very real fear for us. She's been nothing but supportive & awesome... right up until the minute my brother is involved, & then suddenly my caution (which she totally agreed with last week) is now paranoia & explaining why the NICU is not similar to having a "sick kid" is "venting". I expected so much better from her, & am really hurt that she can't see that she's putting her son's selfish crap ahead of my sons' health.
N & I were super hurt & upset by this crap this morning. I actually checked with the neonatologist bc I was feeling so guilty, & the doc totally agreed with us. Half of me wants to explain to my folks why their expectations of us & the boys are inappropriate, & half of me knows it won't change anything, as long as my brother is involved. When all is said & done, I know we made the right decision-- every time they've had visitors, the guys have had some sort of event that has moved them backwards, & we WILL NOT take any unneccary chances with them. I just hate that people who I generally respect & find solace in are acting like spoiled children right now-- I want them to see where we're coming from, but I don't know if that's possible.