breastfeeding is ruining my marriage

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what day is it again?

they're all starting to blend together.

i was trying to think of something clever to post about, but i got nothing. instead, here are the random (non)events in my life lately.

i'm officially weaning the dudes. (for those of you not already informed.) i've been beating myself up about it, but my supply is diminishing & the dudes are eating more & more (obviously!) so i think the downsides are starting to outweigh the benefits. & i'm just running out of milk whether i want to quit or not, the decision may have been made for me. we made it 3 mos pumping & while i wish we could have got them really nursing & kept it up longer, it just wasn't in the cards for us. so i'm going to just chalk this up to being a "bad mom" & move on-- i'll have more time to spend with my dudes now, so that should help compensate for the horrible crime of not breastfeeding to the pediatrics association's recommended 1 yr.

so now i am selfishly totally concerned about what will happen to my poor boobs. i'm already covered in stretch marks, & am not looking forward to adding saggy boobs to the mix. i used to be a smallish B & jumped up to a C when pg & am now a small D. & i have to say, i am not a fan of the big knockers. (on me, anyways.) i miss my little boobs.... i'd love to have them back, just not around my belly button. sigh....

my 10th high school reunion is in a couple weeks, & we're going. especially since i guilted my best friend M into going with N & me when she really didn't want to. my selling points were 1) to get momma out of the house, 2) we can see how much worse off than us the people we didn't like are, 3) M can show off how smokin hot she is, & 4) we can listen to N make catty remarks about everyone & anyone. it sounds awful, but #4 is actually one of my fav things about N-- he actually says what everyone else is thinking, & is absolutely hilarious about it.
& since we're going to a HS reunion, i have to find something to wear that hides the tummy & the extra 15 lbs i'm still carrying around. not fun. i also need new sneakers-- my feet apparently grew while i was preggo & are not shrinking. no more fitting in sample sizes for me, alas.

N is at court right now dealing with some juvenile delinquent who beat up his mom, my mom is coming over shortly so i can go shop, & til then, i'm still sitting in my robe at 2 in the afternoon, covered in babies & typing one-handed when i should be doing laundry. welcome to my life!

Time to Eat...

or not.

I am having the hardest time eating lately. Since the guys arrived (they were 4 weeks old on Thursday, btw-- yay dudes!) I just don't eat. When food is available I make myself eat something bc I have to eat to feed the guys, but today for instance, it's almost 2pm & I hadn't eaten anything since dinner last night except a cup of coffee (N made me a sandwich & I had half, but I just don't want any more.) & dinner & some twizzlers was all I ate yesterday. it's like I'm too tired for food or something. I'm still making lunch for N, etc, but I just don't want to eat. Is this some kind of new mom phase or something? Usually I love to eat, but I could care less lately. Oh well... milk production is not suffering, so as long as the guys are getting enough I guess it's cool. Just odd.

So I mentioned yesterday I'm supposed to increase the guys' bfing sessions to twice a day, but (& this might sound weird since I'm such a big bfing fan) I'm having a hard time finding time. I don't really have a good location to bf (our couch is enormous but not comfy for me-- it's made for a huge man (N) not a very short woman (me) & we have no recliners or anything) so getting "set up" to bf is a huge pain, especially when I'm solo, bc I can't leave the pillows & stuff up all the time. & the guys still insist on bfing with the nipple shield. It really helps them out, but again is a pain to get set up. & I still have to offer a bottle afterwards & then pump. (Oh, & don't forget there's a whole other kid to feed too!) I really want bfing to be successful (& when we get set up, it usually is) but it's such a huge production & so time-consuming I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. I'm wondering if I should give up & just pump. For now I'm persisting & hoping it gets better, but I just don't know.

N is out picking up our stroller right now... I am pretty excited about that. I was supposed to go, but the guys were up every 2 hrs last night & I am so sleep deprived I just want to sit on the couch & cuddle a baby today. Val is rustling, so I'm off to get a bottle & diapers. Happy Saturday guys!

Ouch!

Sorry if this is TMI, but you all can deal with it! :)
I have a plugged duct from the stupid too-tight bra I've been wearing bc I can't find a nursing bra that fits, & it HURTS! ow ow ow ow.... suggestions to help are welcome... just pumping/nursing through it so far. warm showers. kinda helps, but still... OW!

update:
Boys are doing ok... keeping fingers crossed their tests keep going well, & trying to tie up lose ends at home. It's really hard to keep up with laundry & the other sundry details of life when I'm living at the hospital 24/7. I think we're back on top of things again tho... at least for a while. :P

Random Updates on LIfe in the NICU

Nolan & Conrad, kangaroo-ing

Today was one of those rough NICU days, for those of you who've had kids there-- you know what I mean. (for those of you who haven't had kids there, I hope you never know what I mean.) The guys are doing ok, it was just a rough one on mom & dad. Val is back on oxygen (which is fine-- anything he needs, we want him to have.) The guys run the show & everything happens at their pace, but some days are just more wearing than others.

Also-- my mom is coming with me to the NICU tomorrow. I don't know that I'll let her touch/hold the guys (we want to keep them as stress-free as possible), but I need a ride up there (N has a mandatory work meeting) & we decided it might be good for her to see what the NICU is really like. Alarms constantly going off & tubes & monitors everywhere, etc. We spoke to our nurse today & she agreed it would be ok, just to move at the boys pace, & that it might actually help to have a nurse explain to her the difference between a preemie & a newborn (i.e. preemies really do have special needs, they are NOT just tiny, cute newborns.) So please cross your fingers it goes well. I know I'm in charge & the nurses are awesome & will give me all the support I need, but I'm still really anxious about her visit. Wish us luck!

Because I'm feeling stressed & anxious, I'm going to focus on something positive...

Breastfeeding rocks. :)

(disclaimer: this is NOT a knock on moms who can't or choose not to breastfeed. It really is a lifestyle change & just doesn't work for everyone. I would NEVER judge of condemn a mom for making a choice other then mine-- we all have to do the best we can with the hand we're dealt.
That said, I adore bf-ing. Even though I'm pumping most of the time (& it is MUCH harder to be motivated to get up every 3 hrs for a pump than it is to get up for my kids), it's one of the few things I can do that really makes me feel like a mom. N loves it too-- he is totally committed to making it as easy for me as possible. he cleans & sets up our pump every time I use it, sterilizes everything every day, keeps a log of when & how long & how much we pump, & brags to anyone who will listen how much milk we're getting & how great it is for the dudes. & it is great for the dudes-- they've had zero residuals left in their tummies since we switched to all breastmilk, they didn't need the jaundice lights, & are gaining weight wonderfully (knock wood.) & there are few things as beautiful as a happy baby sucking away. I know not everyone is as enamored of bf-ing as I am, but I love it. I totally lose track of time & get lost in the private moments I get to share with my sweet boys.