once we conquered the infertility giant, i never thought i'd actually get jealous of pregnant friends. i mean, i have THREE kids aged 2 & under. i have been pregnant or breastfeeding for THREE years. & while it's no secret i want another baby, i am also in no rush to have #4, in part bc i know it will be our last & in part bc i have been pregnant or breastfeeding for 3 years. (3 years is a long freaking time to be sharing your body with little people.) plus, (& most importantly), N is not 100% behind the idea of #4 & i need him to be committed to another kid before we go down that path.
why then, on hearing that 3 dear friends are pregnant recently, did this ugly green monster rear up in my gut? i don't begrudge them their happy news, it just made me long for little baby kicks & a sweet squishy newborn.
rationally, i don't want to give up what little sleep i have. i don't want to be sick as a dog every day for 5 months. i don't want to pee every 2 minutes. i don't want to run out of room in my lap for my kids.
i am genuinely happy with our little family. i love the time i have for each child, i love watching them grow, & i love having three kids. i am content. would i still be content if we never had that 4th child? or would it fester, & leave me feeling as though something is missing? i think it would, but i can't honestly answer that right now with any degree of certainty. it is not the right time for another baby, & i KNOW that. so why won't this stupid green monster shut up?
It's tough, isn't it? I have been having a lot of moments when the ugly green monster sneeks in. The husband wants another, I want another but am really nervous given my history. So right now I have a lot of weird, conflicting feelings. Envy is one of them and I know tons of women having babies right now!
ReplyDeleteI think you just have to keep reminding yourself how blessed you are and how happy you are with your family. :)
oy. i know. every time i see that another friend is pregnant, i cringe and become instantly jealous. i hate being jealous. it does go away and then i realize i am truly happy for them, but i still want it for me. and we arent even trying, so i have no right to be jealous!
ReplyDeleteBLAH!!!
As strange as it sounds, I am right there with you. I KNOW I am done. I HATE being pregnant, I hate the newborn stage, but I have moments that I want it. Then my adorable 2 year old throws a fit or craps on the floor and I thank god I am done. :)
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