update on val

we heard from the neurologist yesterday, & the ambulatory EEG was normal. we never did catch an episode on the EEG or tape, but the doc said that most times, when a child has seizures, something abnormal will show up between times. he's still inclined to call it shuddering attacks, but wouldn't definetively rule out seizures, although he doesn't want to do further testing at this time. he's on the old side for shuddering attacks, but because the EEG was normal, he still thinks that is the answer. so for now, we watch & wait, & if it gets worse, or isn't gone by the time he's 3, we'll revisit it then.

i'm not 100% satisfied, but no news is good news, i guess.....

what a life :)

N's schedule has changed for the current shift bid, so he's now working 5-1, monday thru friday, & today was his first day on the new schedule.
he came home just as i was finishing getting the kids down for a nap, we spent a pleasant hour all by ourselves, & the man is now mopping the kitchen while i sit on the couch cuddling digger the cat.
i could get used to this!!

who needs sleep?

i am spending saturday night home alone with the baby who wouldn't sleep. this kid seems to need less sleep than i do. (heaves sigh.)

this isn't the horrible, frantic sleep deprivation you get with a newborn. it's more subtle. the days & weeks & months of fractured sleep are slowly building into a state of permanant tired. i cannot remember the last time i felt really rested. i can cope (almost cheerfully) most days, but there are signs that the constant state of sleepy is turning into a major brain fog. i am beginning to believe myself to be both bored & boring, which (for me) is a sure sign i need some rest.

just one good night of real, solid sleep & i could happily go back to the grind for another few months. come on, baby... cut mama a break!

4's a crowd?

N remains on the fence about having another baby, & i'm doing my best to examine whether i could be truly content with 3. it bounces around my mind daily... could i be "done"? AM i "done"?
i'm trying to give up the idea of 4, but it won't leave me be. it's always there, lurking in the wings, popping up when i don't expect it & calling to me with all the lure of a newborn baby.

i'm not ready for 4 now, by any stretch, & i feel i owe it to N & the 3 kids we already have to look closely at WHY i feel called to have another baby. i want a big family. growing up, my family of 4 was lonely & fragmented. i was always jealous of my cousins who had big, boisterous families. i always wanted more siblings than i have, & i want to give my kids the family i wish i had. i honestly think that's the biggest reason behind my want, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't also want it for myself. i want a pregnancy that brings joy, not fear (twins) or frustration (unexpectedly expecting). i love squishy newborns, & i'm just not ready to be done with having a baby in the house.

i'm trying, i really am, to get over the idea, but whenever i try to talk myself out of it, i end up wanting 4 more than ever...

a quick update

val's bloodwork & initial EEG were normal (thank God!!) we had the consult with the neurologist, who thinks it's something called shuddering attacks. it's pretty common in toddlers, & totally harmless & kids grow out of it with no harm done. shuddering attacks mimic absence seizures exactly (which is what the pediatrician & i thought it was) except that the child does not lose consciouness during an attack & will have a normal EEG during an attack. so although we think it's just shuddering attacks the only way to definitively rule out seizures is to do a 48 hour EEG & catch him having an attack. monday, we go in to get him hooked up (20 electrodes all over his head, that get attched to a backpack he wears, & then the whole ensemble gets wrapped up like a turban to (hopefully) keep him from pulling it all off.) we go back in tuesday to have whatever he's pulled off monday reattached, & he gets it off for good on wednesday. one of us will have to be pretty much joined at the hip with val the entire time, to keep him (& conrad) from destroying the EEG contraption. we'll even have to sleep with him. so while i'm sure the test will be a huge pain in the butt, i'm even more sure that we need to do it bc i will not rest easy until we can say with certainty that it's only shuddering attacks & nothing more.

the boys are now starting to throw things at me, so my computer time is coming to an end, but i wanted to update while i had the chance. thanks for all the good wishes! please keep them coming & i'll keep you all posted. :)

real guilt.

for about 6 months now, val has been having episodes where he just freezes & stares into space for a few seconds, & sometimes his eyes tremble a bit. they would literally last for maybe 1 or 2 seconds, & be gone, & he would be fine afterwards.
i mentioned it to N, he said "i don't see anything" & dismissed it. i mentioned it to my mom, who said "i bet he's just peeing" & dismissed it, i asked my dad, who said "it's just a shiver" & dismissed it. none of those answers really jived with me, but i decided i was being paranoid & was persuaded not to call our doc.
then this past sunday, he had a much longer episode, where his whole body shook & he was completely out of it for 10-15 seconds. (me:" val? val? VAL?" him: no response.)
he was right as rain afterwards, but it finally clicked in my head what i'd been seeing, & i told N val was having seizures. we called the doc monday morning, he was seen that day & we scheduled an EEG & a consult with a neurologist for tomorrow.
i feel horrible for not calling months ago. i KNEW something was wrong, & allowed myself to be swayed. i hate that i wasn't more on top of this. i know the important thing is that we're getting help NOW, & our pedi assures me that we haven't done any lasting harm by delaying, but i cannot stop beating myself up over this. i KNEW & i should have acted sooner.
i don't need any "oh, poor you, you did the best you could." i just need to get the guilt out there & own the fact that i screwed up, so i can focus on my val. it's done, we're moving forward, that's what matters. right?

going green(er)

so we finally are making the switch to cloth diapers. while some have been supportive, we've also heard alot of "are you guys CRAZY?"

we are NOT crazy, & my only regret in going cloth is that we didn't do it sooner. i LOVE cloth. N is slightly less enthusiastic, but is rolling with it. (& he IS excited about all the $$ we will save.) so far, (thanks to generous friends & a couple killer sales) we've collected some kawaii, bumgenius, go green & blueberry dipes to try out. (the bg are all we've used so far, as everything else is waiting to be washed, but so far so good!)

the boys actually prefer the cloth dipes. if they're in sight at diaper time, val reaches for the cloth every time, & conrad & em seem much more comfortable when they get a long stretch in the cloth. i feel guilty when i run out & have to switch back to the paper dipes.

plus, cloth diapers are just so darn CUTE! who doesn't love a soft, fuzzy, baby bubble butt? :)