Sunday, July 31, 2011

random thoughts, bullet point style

- some kind of fever/sore throat inducing crud is making the rounds in our house. val had it, i have it & conrad seems to be coming down with it as well. i hate being sick in summer time. it just seems all wrong.

- i dragged emma's quilt back out to finish. i've been thinking about quilting for days now, & i thought if i dragged my project back out i might be inspired to work on it, instead of just thinking about it. right now, it's sitting on the floor while i type. but i swear i am going to quilt a square or two before the kids wake up.

- speaking of kids waking up, the little goobers *just* freaking fell asleep. & it's 2 in the afternoon. it drives me nuts when they don't nap. i don't know what i'll do when they give them up for good.

- i've been on a soup bender for dinners lately. odd when the weather is 90+, but i love soup. & my throat hurts, so that's a good excuse, right? N's not much of a fan, but solves his problem by stuffing his soup bowls full of twice as many crackers as soup.

- my cats stink. they're on new food & it gives them the foulest kitty breath ever.

- i haven't felt any little flutters lately, & it's making me worry. i know 15 weeks is still pretty early, but i had been feeling them every day. now not so much. debating whether to call & ask for an u/s. my doc will do them as often as i ask, bc he is awesome. (actually, bc he's a very kind man, sympathetic to my history of loss, & understands the peace that seeing that little flickering heartbeat brings, but awesome is good shorthand for all of that.)

- i love pbs & i cannot wait for my homemade pickles to be ready for eating. (& no, those 2 things aren't related, beyond the fact that i'm watching pbs right now & i would like to have some pickles.)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

who craves beer when they're pregnant?

um, me.

no, i'm not out guzzling beer, calm down. it just sounds delicious, in that obsessive, pregnancy craving, MUST have it sort of way. so i'm compromising by making beer cheese soup for dinner. it has to simmer for a while, so the alcohol will disappear & i'll still get a hint of beer.
my other obsessive craving lately has been faygo rock & rye. it's a local MI brand of pop, & i can't even describe the flavor, but i never drink pop, let alone super sugary faygo, & i've been drinking one a day for the last week.

i'm pretty sure i'm growing a frat boy.

Friday, July 22, 2011

newborn lust

i was at my OB's today for a routine checkup (baby is fine, was snoozing a bit & i got to count some fingers-- always a good time!). anyways-- in the waiting room there was a couple of very new parents with a brand spanking new little girl. (i could tell she was a girl from the copious amounts of pink frilly craziness they had draped over every inch of the child & her stroller/carseat/diaper bag). anyways, they were typical clueless, adorable first time parents-- holding the baby really awkwardly while she fussed & squirmed.
it took them a solid 20 minutes to figure out that she wanted to be held up to mom, snuggled heart-to-heart. the whole time i was pretending to read my kindle while sneaking frequent peeks at their little family & willing them to realize that she wanted to be snuggled chest to chest. (funny how you just *know* that kind of thing after having a baby isn't it? i never thought i'd be the kind of person who wanted to offer advice to random strangers. totally out of character for me.) i kept my mouth shut tho & seeing how proud the mom was when she finally figured it out was super cool. i love those parenting moments when that light bulb goes off & you have that "ahhhhhhh" moment of pure bliss when you have everything (temporarily) figured out.
seeing that tiny little one reminded me just how much i love newborns. yeah, i know they don't sleep, & cry alot, & they spit all the time & poop alot, but they're so freaking sweet. seeing a squishy little newborn making those squishy little newborn noises just made me melt. i can't wait for january & our last new baby, & at the same time i'm dreading it, bc it's our LAST new baby & then i'll be that crazy lady drooling with jealousy over other people's tiny babies. i guess a downside to smooshing 4 kids into 3 years is that i don't get much time to anticipate each brand new baby, but in all honesty i am as excited for #4 as for any of them. it just never gets old!

Friday, July 15, 2011

mommyhood & "me" time

a friend i used to work with in chicago, who is currently expecting her 1st (& second--twins for her too!) this december, asked me this morning what i was doing for "me" time this summer. i know she meant well, but the comment just made me laugh. i know she was looking for some hidden assurance in my answer that life wouldn't change all that much after her babies are born-- that there will still be time for girls' nights out, & all those little hobbies you treasure, quiet time with books, romantic evenings with your husband, etc, etc., & i still just wanted to laugh. i refrained from giggling outright & telling her life is about to change in ways she cannot yet fathom, & instead told her N & i are planning a weekend away at the end of the summer (true), & that most of my personal "me" time comes in stolen moments throughout the day (also true).
what i didn't tell her was that for a long time after those kids are born, "me" time will not exist, & that when it makes its reappearance, the shape of "me" time will have changed in ways she can't picture yet. my "me" time now comes in moments of zen found while grocery shopping, while laying in yard showing emma blades of grass, in quiet moments quilting while the kids all sleep. & even when you truly get away from it all, part of your heart & mind will still be home with your little ones (or at least that's how life is for me.) i don't obsess over them, but i know that they exist & are carrying on when i'm not there, & even while i have fun on my own, i wonder what they're up to. i find little things on my own adventures to bring home for them, & i know that for me now, the best part of "me" time is when it's over, & i come home refreshed & relaxed, looking forward to sharing my time & myself with the little people who took my "me" time away in the first place.
of course, i think all of that is far too much to dump on a soon to be new mom, who is desperate not to lose herself in her children. i remember feeling that way, & while i think i did lose myself for a while (& still do, from time to time), the new self i've found is a better & more complete, content & confident person. i just wish there were a way to express that to a new mom, in a way that they could believe.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

long time no see (some bullet points, in the interest of time!)

- we spent an exhausting week up north over the 4th with my family. the kids had a great time, & we had a great time with my cousins, but i am taking a self-imposed hiatus from my father, who (in his spectacularly insidious way) managed to blame me for his marriage problems & trash my vacation. a week later, i'm no longer mad, but refuse to include him again until he shows some sort of understanding that his behavior was completely innapropriate. this is probably wishful thinking on my part. the man is (mostly) perfectly normal & pleasant most of time, but when he goes wrong it's pretty awful & after 30 years, i'm tired of forgiving & waiting for it to happen again. he's forgiven, but this time i'm not waiting around for him to lash out again. i'm married, & i have kids of my own, & my family has to come first. i hope at some point he "gets" it, but i'm not holding my breath.

- i am 13 weeks & in the 2nd trimester! (or close... i always forget when the official switch over happens, so i think this is close enough.) i even felt the first little flutters a few days ago-- very, very cool, as this is the earliest i've ever felt a baby. :)

- i had this kiddo's NT scan done yesterday, & the tech gave me a gender guess. we're planning on waiting til baby is born, so altho the guess was kinda fun, i sort of regret hearing it now bc N is 100% convinced that the guess is what we're having, despite my warnings that 13 weeks is really too early to count on anything. & i know a fairly even number of folks whose early scans got it right & got it wrong, so i'm not counting any chickens yet...

- the NT scan (in addition to telling me the baby is just fine) also told me that i lack the ability not to jump on information when it's offered. at our 20 week, i think i'm going to have to announce the instant i walk in the room that we want to be surprised, or i won't be able to say "no" when the ask about gender!

- we have no names for this kid. none. for either gender. no ideas, nothing we "kind of" like, no family names left, nothing. we've always had at least a clue what kind of name we wanted before, & we are up a creek without a paddle so far with this one. i could totally see the kid still being nameless 6 mos from now. hopefully inspiration will strike at some point!

- i really, really want to go see the last har.ry po.tter next weekend, but with the current bizarreness with my folks, & my cousin nannying all summer, we've lost all our babysitters. i am so bummed about this i actually debated asking my mom (which we swore off, as my dad thinks mom spends too much time with me & the kids & we're trying to avoid all conflict), but i'm not sure har.ry po.tter is a good enough reason for me to bend on the babysitting issue. i know my mom would be thrilled to see the kids, but then i feel like i'd be caving on the hard-line stance we've taken with my dad & his crap. sigh. who knew HP could cause so much internal strife?