5 signs i'm really a grown-up

1. my husband got me 2 nighties & a robe for christmas. (no, not THAT kind of nighty... these are flannel.)

2. i was actually excited about the robe.

3. i hosted 4 family parties in 5 days.

4. i'd rather watch the kids get presents than get anything myself. (& i love presents, so that's saying something.)

5. although i love christmas & look forward to the holidays every year, i heaved a big sigh of relief when it was all over.

still living the dream

will return after christmas. this week is too freaking crazy for me to take the time to form even semi-coherent sentences. until then, here are some christmasy pictures of the kids.







merry christmas everyone! :)

random thoughts, bullet style

- am debating painting a wall in the boys' room. & possibly all of emmie's room as well. her room is already painted a light shade of brown, with a darker brown zebra print painted border in the middle of the wall, left over from the weird people we bought the house from. (it's not as hideous as it sounds, & could even be cute, but it's just not very fun for a little girl's room.) i know if i push the issue, N will charge thru it all in a weekend (he's like that with home improvement stuff), but i'm thinking i may wait til after the holidays.

- my brother is supposed to come visit next week. this is cool, bc he is super fun & i'd love to see him & have the kids meet him. (he's seen the boys twice & never met em. he just doesn't come home ever & i don't want to take the babies to stay at his apartment with his evil ex-girlfriend, so visits are sporadic at best.) this is also not cool, bc the prospect of seeing her baby boy makes my mom go temporarily insane. until he is back in illinois, life will revolve around him & she somehow always seems a bit miffed that the rest of us (me, my dad, N) aren't similarly enraptured. don't get me wrong, i love the guy & i'll be glad to see him, i'm just not looking forward to the daily rehashings of everything he says, ate, wore & looked at. no, i'm not bitter. why do you ask? :P

- & speaking of visitors, N's folks are coming down for the day sometime the week after christmas. (heaves sigh.) i don't know why, but they just aren't comfortable people, & no matter what we do in an effort to make them comfortable it's never enough. so i've given up & now just do what i'd do for any other visitor, & N has decided to throw money (or at least expensive gifts) at them. i guess the theory is they'll appreciate the expense if not the effort? who knows.

- i am going to finish binding this blanket (yes, it's still the same blanket i already blogged about) before i start my new project. which i am much more excited about. have i mentioned how lame binding is? bc it's pretty lame. the thing is, it's not hard & it goes pretty quick once i'm started. i just have some sort of mental block when it comes to finishing edges. i may have to invest in a cheap sewing machine, just so i can quit binding by hand.

- em is still taking about 3 hours to go down for the night. i remember the boys going through this too, & it lasted for months. luckily i seem to be learning to function well with much less sleep however, & my anti-CIO policy remains firm.

just call me suzy homemaker.

(really, when did i get so domestic? 5 years ago, i would NEVER have believed i'd turn into a cook-from-scratch, quilting, mini-van queen of suburbia. if my old firm could see me now, i'm not sure they'd recognize me. actually, they'd pry point & laugh. whatever. they're all soul-less corporate bloodsuckers anyways.)

& on to the substance of the post:
- i have decided that binding quilts is NOT my thing. it's a necessary evil, but i think this part is where i would give in & use a sewing machine. if i had one. i finally got the right color thread to finish the blankie i'm making for one of the dudes, but binding is sooo lame & tedious. sigh.
- i tried making bread for the first time the other day & it came out AWESOME. (yeah, i'm bragging. sorry.) N liked it so much he didn't believe i had actually made it. i'm planning a repeat for tonight, & i have to say, there is something really pleasant about raw bread dough. it's warm, it smells all yeasty & it's fun to punch down. seriously, it's a good time. i highly recommend it. :)
- i am *almost* done christmas shopping. & in a real shocker, for once i actually know what i want to get for every single person left on my list. that never happens & it makes me pretty happy to actually go finish shopping instead of dreading the slog through the super-crowded stores. being prepared for once is making me feel all festive. now if only i could get N to turn on the christmas lights outside...

wow

we're at 117 folks! starting to wonder if i'll get back to my pre-preggo weight after all...

sunday soup & sleepless babies

em is totally protesting any nap that does not include mama today. sigh.
she's not crying, so i'm letting her work it out for now. which likely means she will sleep little to not at all this afternoon. which in turn will make for a looooong evening.
we've been going thru some super fun sleep regression with the little miss as well. i went from having a great sleeper, to a little monkey who will NOT pass out before 11, no matter how tired she is, & then wakes oh, say, every 3 hours or so all night long. this has been going on for 2 weeks now. we have a nice quiet nighttime routine already in place, so i'm just persevering in hopes that she will eventually rediscover the joys of sleep. maybe i'll try throwing a warm bath in at night & see if that helps knock her little baby self into dream land.

the kids & i made a trip to the local kroger's this morning for onions, (i have a really yummy lentil soup planned for tonight & onions are not optional), & i was reminded once again why i hate shopping on sundays. playing grocery cart chicken with upity ladies in church hats while toting 3 babies & enjoying odd leers from men in their purple pin-striped sunday best is not that cool. altho the kids were all good as gold, & we got the required onions.

my folks will be over for dinner tonight, since they're just getting back from up north, & they never have any food in their fridge. plus, my mom is dying to see her grandbabies after a whole week (gasp!) away from them.

& that's my sunday in a nutshell. how's yours?

it's beginning to look alot like christmas...

as promised, some pics of our christmas ornament project. (& a random shot of em, bc she refuses to be left out of anything, so i guess that goes for the blog too.) we have the guys painting the ornaments in progress, our paper ornaments hanging on the tree, (including some paper cranes i folded out of the boys' random scribble papers that i can't bring myself to recycle), & the guys "helping" hang them.










& in random other news-- i recently found this blog & love it. i don't know the woman at all, but dig her writing & LOVE the recipes. go check it out!
a half baked life

tis the season...

i feel so broken & tired. i'm sure i'm taking it out on N, & i am trying not to, but it's pry better to be a jerk to him than to the babies.


in better news- the guys & i made our christmas ornaments this year. i was worried about things like metal hooks & glass balls, etc, & my mom had the brilliant idea to do paper ornaments. so i bought some tag board, had the kids finger paint/sticker/color all over it & then cut out circles, punched holes & strung them on ribbon to hang on our tree. it's surprisingly cute, & totally baby safe. so far the dudes are loving putting up the "ornaments" & taking them down again, & since the tree isn't totally off-limits the desire to mess with it (& potentially knock it over) faded rapidly. i love art projects with the guys. :)



(i'll post some pictures of the tree when i get a chance to upload.)

richocheting around

i feel like i've been stuck in a pinball machine for the last week. i go from kid to kid to kid, feeding people, diapering butts, cooking for sundry guests & family, all while maintaining all the other day to day things that have to be done to keep the house & family functional. short of hosting N's dad & my folks for our fake thanksgiving, i have been flying solo for a week bc of N picking up some overtime & hunting with his dad. neither of which i begrudge him, but i'm starting to feel a bit stretched.

it is in some ways flattering that N believes i can single-handedly manage all things domestic without so much as a chipped nail (bwahahahahaha... chipped nail! insert picture of stubby blunt nails here.) but i could use an "attagirl" once in a while, or failing that, a mini-vacation. therefore, i am going to demand a break of some sort this week. i need it. i can feel the annoyance creeping in, the stress level rising, little pricks of anxiety that have nothing to do with what's happening at any given moment.
my temper is getting progressively shorter & shorter, & before i start taking it out on my babies, i need to get out. not on an errand. not to do grocery shopping. not to do christmas shopping. i need to do something totally selfish. maybe i'll take myself out to lunch, or to a movie. (pre-children, i used to wonder who on earth could enjoy going to movies or out to eat all alone...it's now one of my favorite things.)

i just need to quit bouncing around these walls for an hour or two, or the pinball machine is going to shut down.

in-law ramblings on a saturday morning

it's before 9, the kids are sleeping still (sort of... the boys are talking to each other, but they like to play for a while before i get them up for the day. there's probably a brisk trade in stuffed animals going on up there, since i hear alot of back & forth chatter. a bunny for your elephant? sure!)
i am sipping coffee & getting ready to tackle a turkey, since we're having our thanksgiving today. N's dad unexpectedly decided to join us this weekend to hunt, so we'll have all the grandparents with us today. the reasons for his trip are a bit muddled & confusing, but whatever. we're rolling with it & it's nice to see him without the drama that always accompanies a trip to the farm.

in odd & uniportant in-law related weirdness: i made up the spare bed in emma's room for him (all this involved was changing the sheets & replacing a blanket that had been cat-i-fied), & since em still sleeps with us, there was no room shuffling involved, it was very much not a big deal to have him stay there. nonetheless, last night we find N's dad has chosen our couch & battle with the cats all night long instead of a comfy bed, in order to avoid "putting me out". the man also complained about the "trouble" i was going to for our fake thanksgiving. (which is not trouble i'm going to on his behalf. dinner was planned long before he said he was coming.)
i love the guy, & i know he's just a grumpy old bugger, but i finally told him last night to just shut up & enjoy it.
i mean really... it's MORE trouble to have him snoring on our couch after i've already gotten the bed ready, & complaining about the dinner that's already in the works than it is for me to actually make the bed & cook the dinner. a little gratitude is alot nicer when some one has put effort in on your behalf than refusing to make use of any of the nice things that have been done for you.

(heaves sigh, rolls eyes, sets smile back in place....)

after 5 years with N's family, i'm starting to get used to the weirdness, & i know it's useless to play miss manners with FIL. so i am going to soldier on with our original plans & he chooses to be a grouch about it, it's his loss. now let there be turkey, dammit!!

almost there

121 lbs! woo-hoo!!!

this whole, too-busy-chasing-kids-to-eat-anthing-that-won't-fit-in-my-hand/breastfeeding diet really works! :)

...

we're going thru a random bout of not sleeping up here in MI. starting about 3am every morning, em gets up, then the boys, & they alternate until around 6, when everyone (except me) finally goes back to sleep for a couple hours.
like most things, i know this too will pass, but in the meantime... the prolonged stretch of 3am mornings is wearing thin.
i am tired. so, so tired. if i am being lame & not commenting somewhere, please accept my apologies & blame the lack of sleep.

a little act of kindness

there are times when i feel like i've spent my entire day herding cats & wrestling rabid monkeys.

i was having one of those days this morning, but we were in dire need of cat food, so out we went to meijer's. boys in stroller, me wearing em & praying for a quick trip. i hadn't washed my face or brushed my teeth, conrad had blue streaks all over his face from an experiment with markers (he refused to let me wash it & in the interest of getting to the store before noon, i decided it was not a battle worth fighting), val had fallen in love with the container of coffee i picked up & insisted on carrying it all over the store, & emma, while perfectly happy to be worn by mom, kept digging her toes into the waistband of my too-big jeans so that i had perpetual plumber-butt while hunting for the elusive cat food. during all of this, i was singing the sesame street song over & over in order to head off high pitched screams of "bih-birrrrrr!!!!" (big bird) from the boys. needless to say, i was NOT feeling like a put-together-mother-of-the-year type.

as we were waiting in the check out line, however, one sweet old lady came up to me, touched my arm & said "i've been watching you from that bench over there, & just wanted to compliment you on your children. they are so well-behaved & perfectly adorable." after an hour of singing "sunny days, sweeping the clouds away...." to a smurf-faced conrad, while hitching up my pants & trying to persuade a tearful val to part with his coffee, i was too shocked to come up with anything to say in response, so she patted me on the arm, said "you're doing a good job dear" & walked off to her bench.

it was a small thing, but it made me feel like a million bucks & i was grateful.

miscellania

either i have gotten super lame & boring, or this has turned into more of a journal of the mundane than a true blog.
odd that when i'm pg, i can be all introspective & thoughtful, & now that i have the kiddos here with me kicking around in this world, most of my brain is taken up with things like "what can i tempt the boys with at lunch?", "can i stop the gruesome twosome from launching trucks at their sister?", "why does conrad prefer to run in snow boots?" "will emma ever squeal in an octave lower than one with ear-drum piercing power?"
all these questions are interesting to me, but likely not so much to the casual observer.



a random personal note, (& on an entirely different topic), i have started hand sewing some really simple quilts. i'm totally useless with a sewing machine, but my grandma taught me to hand sew many years ago & i find that i really enjoy it now. it's peaceful & just the right mix of challenging & mindless. good times.


another random note- the father in law & his best friend are coming down tomorrow to hunt with N. they always refuse to stay with us in favor of a hotel, but the kids & i should at least see them for dinner once or twice. we have such an odd relationship with N's folks, i can't even begin to do it justice. i'm just hoping N enjoys the visit.

queen of poop

the boys never blew out their dipes like this girl. actually she's not so much blowing out dipes as she is just not wearing them, bc the poor kid gets such bad diaper rash, but still.... this is pooping of epic proportions!

social skills

we had a friend of N's down earlier this week, & he is a divorced dad to 2 boys (11 & 3) & was advocating daycare in a big way. i am seriously anti-daycare. i HATED it as a child, & i've worked in some really nice daycares but i just don't believe there's a lot of benefit in kids having tons "social time" before a certain age. plus, no matter how nice the daycare, they still don't get the same level of attention that they do at home.
kids just don't care enough about "friends" at this age, & i think they benefit more from the one-on-one time they get at home. we have plans to send them all to pre-school a couple mornings a week when they're all older (probably around 4, or when they start showing interest in "school") but for now, i just don't see the point in daycare.
i take them all out most days, to the playground, to storytime at the library, on shopping trips, so they aren't shut-ins. they get social time with our neighbor boy (who's a year older) & group play experiences at storytime, & we see all kinds of kids at the park. i think that's plenty for toddlers. over the next year or so, we'll pry add in some "toddler classes" for the guys & do gymnastics or a music class, or something, but only as they seem ready.
so when IS the right time for preschool? my theory is that kids will let you know when they're ready for whatever is the next big thing, & i see no need to rush them. what's your theory?

*blink* *blink*

i have the sleepy in a BIG way today. & yesterday. & yesterday morning i spent puking. i am exhausted.
when i shared this with my husband & my parents, everyone's immediate response was "oh my god you're pregnant. again." (i am NOT, & if you were thinking that, please smack yourself in the back of the head for me. thanks.)
i am very tired tho, & caffiene is out of the question. the kids all stagger their naps too, so there is never a time when some one is not awake.

sigh. sleeeeeep..... where are you?

daddies

almost 2 years after having our first kids, N is finally relaxing into daddy-hood. he sings to the kids without prodding, he'll read "the hungry caterpillar
800 times in a row, build endless block towers, & dance with his daughter around the living room. he kisses bonked heads & makes peanut butter sandwiches. he's learning patience with toddlers & loves finding the pinkest girliest things possible to dress emma in.
it's a place i was't sure we'd reach, to be honest. he's always loved the kids, but hasn't always known how to relax & enjoy being a dad. he didn't get the greatness of dr. suess, or understand why i didn't allow tv.
i forget sometimes how much his own childhood sucked. i was singing itsy-bitsy spider to the guys the other day & he was trying to sing along, but didn't know the words, & i was teasing him, asking what kind of crap childhood he had, "didn't your mama ever sing to you?!", laughing. he just looked at me, & said- no, she didn't. i could have kicked myself. he has no memories of his real mom, she died when he was 4. & his step mom.... well, we'll just say she wasn't the singing type. i felt like the meanest wife ever. i hate when i do things like that, bc what do you say then? gee, sorry i'm such a callous, heartless moron.

regardless of my occasional idiocy, i do hope the man knows how proud i am to see the kind of father he's becoming. i don't think daddy-hood comes as naturally as being a mom, especially when you've grown up mostly on your own. i know that he had to create a parenting style for himself out of nothing, & while for a while i despaired that it might be a style i couldn't live with, i am grateful that he's come so far & become the dad that he is.

almost there...

not that anyone but me cares, but i am down to 123 lbs!!! :) 3 more to go & i've hit my goal.

she's a giant (& other news).

em, that is. the girl is looooong. she's now officially in 12 mo clothes. (she'll be 5 mos on sunday, if anyone is counting.) funny how one day the jammies fit & the next you couldn't squeeze a little toe in there with a shoe horn.

sigh.

on to random baby updates:

emmie is *almost* rolling over. we hold her so much i think it's slowing her roll a bit, so to speak. she just really likes to be in the midst of the action & sitting up, & if she's not, we're all subjected to a high-pitched siren/howl/nails on blackboard scream. so she usually gets her way. :)
she found her toes recently & is totally delighted with those. her favorite toys are still her brothers & mom, but she does love a little lamb blanket that karianne sent us. she's teething right now & it's the only thing she'll chew on, so that little lamb is saving my sanity.
still zero interest in cereal, but we'll give it another whirl this week & see how it goes.

the dudes--
conrad is talking MUCH more. it's awesome. val & i appear to be the only people who can understand him, but words are words, so i'm not complaining. one of his favorite new games is to bring me one of em's blankies & have me wrap & hold him like a baby. it's adorable & means i get some extra cuddles, so i love it. he's also VERY into trucks. the garbage truck is big doings at our house, as is grampa's giant truck.

val is really into sharing right now, so he brings everyone their "special" toys (like em's lamb & conrad's trucks), & con will actually say thank you when val gives him a toy, which makes me smile every time. val also now sings the meow mix song. (yeah, it's only one word, but he has a little dance he does with it & it's freaking adorable. not that i'm biased.)

& now the boys have gone from playing in their cribs to complaining in their cribs, so i'm off to start our day.



UPDATE: suddenly we have success with rice cereal! there's norushing this girl, but when she's ready, she's ready. :)

gratuitous pumpkin pics

here we have the guys in the pumpkin patch, & painting their picks (super messy but sooo fun! conrad even did emma's pumpkin for her.) & a random picture of em with our singing devil bear., bc we don't want to leave out the little girl!






i just realized after psoting that em is making an obscene gesture in her picture. heeheehee...

climbing to new heights

the boys are total dareveils. anything they can climb (& most things they can't) they will do their best to reach the top of, & then do something really fun like leap off, wrestle, or dangle head first over the edge.
for a while, i spent almost all of my time yelling "sit down on your BUTT!", but i've since given up & let them climb as long as they aren't in horrible danger. & they now actually listen to me (usually) when i tell them to sit, maybe bc i'm not telling them to sit so often anymore that's it's lost all meaning.
in part, i just don't think it's a battle worth fighting, & i think controlled "risks" are good for kids. i don't want to raise kids who are afraid of a challenge.
don't get me wrong, i do supervise, i just don't want to be one of those parents you see constantly following their kid around, saying "no no" or whisking them off of slides & shopping carts bc they *might* fall.

what's on your bedside table?

i'm totally stealing this from another blog iread, but i thought it was a fun idea. :) hopefully she doesn't mind!

right now, i have about 10 different books & a big stack of national geographics. i never know what i'll feel like reading, so i go for variety. at the moment, there's an ancient copy of a james herriot book, a biography of a 19th century new england sea captain's wife, outlander (thanks iiri!), a history of the plague in england, a book on gothic cathedrals & a few assorted others.
i also have a bunch of a box of kleenex, baby wipes, triple paste & a few diapers for em, & a water bootle bc i always seem to be thristy at 3 in the morning.

(i have to add-- one of N's pet peeves is the state of my bedside table. his is toally barren, except for ONE book & his service gun, which is never far from hand.)

so-- what's on your bedside table?

holy boobies batman!

so i've been struggling with ill-fitting bras for ages, & finally decided i was going to splurge & get a couple nice ones. that really fit. i'm sick to death of falling out of my bra every time i lean over.
so i took myself to a nice lingerie shop (not VS, but one that sells nursing bras & specialty stuff too) & got measured. & boy, was i ever off. i was much smaller in the chest size & much bigger in the cup size than i had thought. so much bigger it's a little scary, but the girls are MUCH more comfortable.
i do wish some one had warned me about the super drastic boob changes, pre-pregnancy. wouldn't have changed anything, but it would have been nice to be prepared. or not so blind-sided at least.

i started life 2 and a half years ago as a B cup. i could go bra-less. i loved my little boobs. & now, i'm an E. going bra-less is out of the question, & i'm still learning to love these new giant boobs. altho, as N pointed out to me, they are "functional" & there is beauty in that, just not the kind of beauty that comes in pretty lacy bras. se la vie, right?

little victories

i love love love when i find a new food the guys will eat. today's it's sweet potatoes & i feel like a super hero, since they're actually a VEGETABLE! (actually, i think the guys would eat almost anything i put cinnamon on, so i'm not really all that clever.)
i even had them eating broccoli last night! covered in thai peanut sauce, but whatever. it was broccoli!!!

of course, tomorrow, they'll pry throw everything i try to feed them right back in my face, but today-- mom triumphed over the toddlers!

the nature channel-- LIVE!

felon the ex-barn cat caught, killed & ate a mouse this morning in front of all of us while i was feeding the kids breakfast. it was just me & the kiddos, or i would have made N remove the carcass before it became breakfast, but i was so grossed out i just told felon to be quick about it & not leave me any mouse parts to clean up, then explained to the boys that cats hunt mice & eat them, & that felon was a very good kitty. i have no idea how much of that they absorbed, but they did clap for felon.

ick. ick. ick.

confessions of a bad mommy

- i let my kids hang out in their cribs after they wake up, just so i can have a few more minutes to myself.

- i let the baby sleep until 11 in the morning.

- i let val dip everything (including cheerios) in ranch dressing as long as he eats.

- sometimes i don't get dressed for multiple days in a row.

- i don't force clothes if some one wants to be naked.

- i let them eat dirt.

- i'm not above using sesame street to regain peace in my household.

- i let conrad watch tv with me in the morning, just bc i like to cuddle.

- the boys still get bottles at bedtime & i have no plans to take them away yet.(yeah, yeah, i brush their teeth. whatever.)

- i still cuddle emma to sleep at night.

- i'll pass off a poopy kid to N without saying anything. i figure i change enough poop.

- i'm not above serving pudding & pickles for dinner if that's all they'll eat.

- sometimes i hide "borwn bear, brown bear, what do you see?" bc i just can't take it anymore.

mama

conrad said mama!!! & meant me! i've waited 18 months to hear some one say mama & mean me. they said dada, they said ga (gram & grampa), they said kitty, they said bird, but they never said mama.
after a week of 3 really sick kiddos, hearing "mama" from one of my babies was medicine for the soul. i was so thrilled i actually teared up. (proof that i really am a sentimental softie at heart.)
right now is one of those rare times i can say without a trace of sarcasm-- i love my life!

sickies

the boys have matching sinus & ear infections, & em has her first cold. my house is full of boogers.

soliciting...

tattoo ideas.

i have one i got when the guys were about 6 mos old, that has their initials on either side of the twins sign (just a roman numeral 2), & i'll be getting a tat for em as well. (eventually. i won't get it done til she's weaned, so it could be a while.) i thought i knew what i wanted, but i'm open to ideas. any thoughts?


as an aside-- i love tattoos. one of the biggest perks of never planning to practice law ever, ever again is that i can tattoo myself with abandon. :) most people are shocked at how many i have hidden, but i love that my most recent one can actually be seen when i have clothes on. ink makes me happy :)

traveling with 3 & the infinite wisdom of daddy

taking all 3 kids anywhere always involves a certain amount of planning, but taking them out solo is another story all together.
in addition to getting everyone freshly diapered, packing the diaper bag, & loading everyone into the van, there is also the ever present consideration of our means of mobility once we get where we're going. do we need the double stroller? emma's stroller? am i carrying some one? wearing some one? if i'm wearing, which wrap is best? will i have to nurse em while we're out? how many hands will i have free at any given time? how many & what type of doors will we have to navigate? spinning? automatic? manual? are they likely to be skinny doors, or will i be able to fit the stroller?

this may seem like an unhealthy preoccupation with ways and means (& especially doors), but there are few things worse than being trapped outside a building with a stroller that can't navigate the automatic door & no hands free to manuever a infant car seat carrier plus double stroller thru a entrance way while one or all of your kids are crying in some sort of distress. it also similarly sucks to try to nurse a baby while your 18 mo. old toddlers are not safely confined to their stroller, or being unable to wrangler one or both of said toddlers bc your baby-wearing apperatus doesn't give you sufficient maneuverability & you have no secure place to set down the littlest baby, who cannot yet sit unsupported. all of these are very important concerns when planning an outing of any sort with two 18 mo. olds & a 4 mo. old baby.

i mention all of this bc i have to take conrad to the doc this afternoon (persistant sick of some kind that's been getting progressively worse over the last 2 weeks) & have no one to watch the other 2 during the appointment. i am the only person i know who has braved taking all 3 kiddos somewhere public on their own, & while it can be done, it is not something any one in their right mind would choose to do unless they had to.

anyways, people often seem to take for granted just how much work it is & how much planning it takes to accomplish even the smallest errands with 3 babies. for instance-- my darling husband, who has never taken all 3 kids anywhere by himself, nor been alone with all 3 for longer than 2 hrs, very nearly escaped a frying pan to the head after a "helpful" sugestion. when i mentioned last night that i was running out to get milk so i didn't have to take everyone to the store today, the dear man calmly informed me that i really should just start running errands with all of the kids, bc, after all, i AM a mother of 3. i won't mention the immediate aftermath of such a stupid remark, suffice to say that if he ever tries to tell me how to do my job again, he may find himself a SINGLE father of 3.

i do love the man, but sometimes i wonder if he's swapped his brain for a sausage.

pointless pics

here we have conrad doing his best hugh hef.ner & val in his sister's hat. silly, silly boys :)

'tis the season

when the deer start to rut & N spends most of his free time up a tree.
(hunting season, for those of you not in the know.)

this year, in addition to this meaning N is gone on most of his off days, it also means we're peridically hosting a slew of buddies from the west side of the state, bc the hunting is infinetly better by us. which means more cleaning & cooking "man" meals for me, & listening to N stress over whether or not the added bodies will screw up his deer heard. none of whcih impacts my life in any great way, other than i don't get to wear my jammies all day when we have guests. (not bc they care, but bc i do.)

opening day is friday. let the good times roll.

emma

because i said i would, & the sweet girl deserves it-- this is a post devoted to our baby.

em is almost 4 mos, & has been from the very start the kind of baby you imagine you'll have before you actually have kids & realize it's nothing like you imagined. she eats great, goes to sleep easily, smiles all the time, loves to be held, but plays well on her own & is pretty much a complete charmer who has everyone she meets doting on her within minutes.
sure, she has her fussy moments, but walking in circles is her favorite mode of being soothed, so we don't often have to go to great lengths to calm her. she's such an easy baby that i sometimes feel guilty, but mostly we just enjoy having a kid who is thus far happy to go with the flow. this is not to say she doesn't have a temper-- she does. she has definite opinions about how her life should be (she's happiest with her brothers, in the center of whatever trouble they're getting into, or snugged safely in someone's arms.) rather than scream tho, this girl pouts. i shouldn't laugh, but it's so darn cute to see her bottom lip come out! daddy is wrapped around her little finger, of course, but for now she's still a mama's girl. (i'm pretty sure this is mostly bc i am all that is food & delicious, but whatever. i'll take it!)
her bros mostly ignore her, but will occasionally come to pet her (a la a kitty), give her a hug, or offer a toy. she's suffered the odd kick to the head or toy to the face, (nothing more serious than would make her cry momentarily), but jealousy tends mostly to pop up while we're nursing. we try to counter it by making nursing a time for books so they aren't left out & it (usually) works.)

pretty much little emmie is a piece of cake & a joy to have. techinically, i suppose she was an "accident", but the more i get to know her, the more convinced i am that she was no such thing. she is a baby we were meant to have & this is the time we were meant to have her. in a house full of (absolutely wonderful) twin toddler chaos, she is a little oasis of peace unto herself & i am grateful.

achoo...

sick. tired.

that's about it. 18 mo. appts for the dudes tomorrow, plus a trip to the allergist, so we'll get an update on the conman's situation with weight & allergies. yee-ha.

it can't always be a 3-way tie

ever make a parenting decision & then realize belatedly what you should have done instead? i don't mean anything earth shaking choices, i just mean little things-- how to handle a particular tantrum, what to do when your kid resists the nap routine, or picks a fight with a sibling.
i just did that with conrad, & now feel ridiculously guilty over it. i misunderstood what he was up to (not hard to do, in hindsight, since he doesn't speak much english yet, but still...) & ended up dumping him in his crib instead of cuddling after he threw his sippy across the room. the throwing happened in the first place bc i was preoccupied with val & emma & didn't realize con had said "no" to the sippy in his conrad way. he gives very subtle clues, & i feel awful that i totally missed his attempts to communicate, especially since this is our first attempt to nap without a bottle & i don't want the absence of bottle to be a negative thing.

so i screwed up a little. everytime something like that happens, i promise myself i'll make it up to them & wonder if it's even possible to "make up" something like that. can i somehow "make up" the fact that i'm only one mom? that i make mistakes & misunderstand my own kids? probably not, but i do my best.

sigh.

most of the time, i love having 3 babies, but it is impossible to give each child an equal amount of attention at all times. i just hope it evens out over the long run, but it hurts that i can't be my best mama-self to all 3 at once.

thoughts on loss.

2 years later, & we're still experiencing fallout. i'm not sure it ever really stops. i think we'll be finding new ripples for years to come, & i just hope the pain lessens eventually. i FEEL healed, but there's always that sense of emptiness. like there's a hole, in the shape of our angel sons, punched through my heart.

N & i had a major heart to heart today on our family plans for the next 5 years. he's still scared of another miscarriage. apparently that is a leading reason behind his desire to get "fixed", as he puts it. i have to admit, i had no idea he still lived so much in the shadow of our losses. his fears seem to have more to do with what another loss would do to me, & it makes me sad to think how awful it must have been for him to watch a spouse ache, body & soul, & know there was nothing to be done to help the healing.
i can't help but yearn for a 4th. i feel incomplete somehow. unfinished. i feel like our family isn't whole yet. is it selfish of me to want a baby so badly? to risk my husband's feelings, as well as my own?

this is all only speculative, as any serious talk of #4 is a few years out yet. i can't help but wonder tho... could we all come through unscathed? we were so lucky with emma, would it happen again? would we have another terrifying pregnancy, like with the boys? is it worth the risk? my heart says YES!, but i suppose it's not just MY heart on the line.

stick a fork in me.

i'm done.
i need a break. it's been a week straight with just my kiddos & cell phone for company (as if i ever got time to talk on the phone-- HA!) & i am burnt out. N was actually home early enough to go to bed with me & em last night, & i know he was hoping for some attention once em was asleep, but i couldn't even hold a coherent conversation.
i am in desperate need of a few hours of solitude. i am also in desperate need of a few hours to REALLY clean my house. (it's so bad it makes me angry & sad just to look at it.)

N *might* be home this afternoon if court lets him go, & i know he'll try to send me out to "relax" for a bit. the thing is tho, as much as it's nice to leave the house, what i really want is a day (or barring that, a few hours) home ALONE. not with kids asleep some where in the house, but really truly alone. (it's like a dream-- just think how much i could get DONE, with no other humans making demands on me!)
sigh. i know it's not going to happen, bc em is still nursing & N won't be home long enough to take them all anywhere anyways, but a girl can dream right?

vanity & hairbrushes

it occurred to me yesterday as i ran out the door to pick up onions (it was an emergency of sorts) that i hadn't looked in mirror all day, & was wearing torn yoga pants, a hoodie with a broken zipper & a ratty t-shirt announcing my particpation in the 2003 law school beer darts league. i haven't worn make-up in ages, & am honestly pretty happy in my jeans & t-shirt uniform (augmented by the occasional sweats or yoga pants). i'm oddly content in my appearance, or lack thereof. i no longer feel super pudgy (altho i'm still going to work on those last 10lbs) & i'm at peace with my stretch marks & big(ger) boobs.
i haven't brushed my hair in weeks. actually, it's been so many weeks that it's pry more like months. i do own a hairbrush, somewhere. it's just too much trouble to find it. i wash, air dry & finger comb, followed usually by a ponytail or knot of some kind. & my hair is actually the feature i'd say i'm most vain about. (altho you'd never guess based on how i wear it, i suppose.) i didn't even bother to break out a hair brush when we went out on a couple grown-ups-only nights in august.

the last time i went on a months-long anti-hairbrush anti-mirror campaign, i was 21 & living in italy, & in hindsight, it was probably the last time i was really happy & confident in myself. i'm not sure what the connection is for me between confidence & not brushing my hair, but it exists. i'll leave the psychology to some one else, & just say that i think i'm there again. i'm happy. really, genuinely, happy.
i may throw out that hairbrush.

pictures of everyone but me

bc i'm always the photographer. but no one wants to see me anyways!! :)
here are some recent shots of the kiddos & my handsome baby-daddy. my dad made them the wooden duck, which they love but battle over since we only have one. the motorcycles were a 1st birthday gift that they're jsut now growing into, & those are val's first skinned knees-- didn't phase him at all! & the pic of em & N is just bc it's cute.

superheros & snobs

are you ever taken aback when someone compliments your parenting? not that i think i'm a rotten mom, but i also don't think i do anything all that special. i love my kids & try to give them a safe, nuturing environment to grow up in. i like the chaos of lots of kiddos & i choose fun over strict all the time, but i have my cranky crazy moments just like every other mom.
i think it's a function of having so many babies all at once, but you end up hearing "i just don't know how you do it" all the time. "supermom" gets thrown around alot, as does "you really have your hands full, you're doing a great job" etc, etc. don't get me wrong, it's nice. especially on days when you haven't bathed in a week, & all of your kids are in varying stages of grumpy-neediness (as is their right, being babies & all.) & it is easy to get caught up in the "i have 3", or "i have 4" (or 2 or 5 or whatever) & therefore bc you have numbers on your side, you're somehow more of a mom, or faced with more challenges. to some extent it's true, just bc you have more people to physically & emotionally care for at all times. but is a mom of just one working any less hard to ensure that her own little one's needs are met?
the thing is, i just do what i have to do to keep everyone healthy, happy, & growing. you all do it for your singletons, & any of you could do it for more if you had to. & yeah, i'm guilty of the mom of multiples snobbery (i.e. "HA! you have ONE & you think it's hard? try my life for a day sister." i know i've said it before & i'll pry be guilty of it again.) but really, i think the nature of "mom" is just doing whatever you have to do to meet your kids' needs. "supermom" is subjective. just bc i have a few more babies all at once doesn't make me, or other moms of multiples, any more worthy of the title of supermom than a one baby at a time mom.
so today, i just wanted to say to all the one at at time moms (most of my blog reading buddies, i believe), bc you probably don't hear it as often as you should, that i think YOU are supermoms, & your beautiful babies are the proof.

boring weight post

133! :)

let's all hear it for breastfeeding!!!

just because

i haven't posted any pics of the little squiggle in a while. i'm so in love with this girl it's silly. :)

a ruby wedding

my parents hae been married 40 years sunday. i know, 40 years!! we're celebrating tonight, along with my mom's birthday, which is today. 40 yrs... it's SUCH a long time.... kind of boggles the mind. :)

i love you (now give me a hug & tell me how great i am)

N & i were watching some tv thing the other day (dateline? 20-20? something brilliant like that) & they had a story on how comedians tend to be depressed & learned to be funny bc they equated attention with love. which got us talking about what says "love" to us.
for N, it's always been physical contact. not just sex, but hugs, kisses, cuddles-- just some sort of touch. (i know, weird in a macho cop dude, right?) but his theory is bc he got so little physical expressions of love as a kid, so he craves it now as an adult. makes sense, right? & for me, i think for a long time love=praise. i spent most of my teenage years & young adulthood looking for accolades & attagirls. & i'm quite certain that's bc it was only when i had a major "achievement" that i got any attention from my dad. (altho i have to say my definition of love has changed since i've married & found some more confidence.) for a good friend of mine, love means being taken care of-- bills paid, car washed, dinner made, that kind of thing. she's an only child (by no means spoiled, but definetly doted on) so maybe that has something to do with her version of love.
so what is love for you? why? has your version of love changed over time?

lord give me patience

tantrums. 2 at at time. bc if your brother is that pissed off, it must be a reason good enough for you to get furious too.

(heaves a huge sigh & goes back to her screaming, flailing sons.)

why i love being a mom: reason #237

a disclaimer: i love all my kids the same, but with 3 babies in the house, private moments with any one child are rare & i treasure them.



conrad has started an odd bit of sleep regression this past week, where he goes down fine, but is up 20 mins later, screaming bloody murder. since you all know i do NOT do CIO, we've been going back in to help soothe him to sleep. actually, it's been N all week until last night, bc i'm usually feeding emma when he goes off. last night however, N was at his limit for crying boys & em wasn't eating yet, so i went up & had one of those mommy moments you dream about before you have kids.


conrad was my second baby, but the first one i held. a few hours after their birth, when we were all stable enough to see each other, they took me in on the gurney to see my babies & handed me conrad. for the few moments i held him alone, before they handed me val too, conrad was all i could see. the doctors, the nurses, the alarms, N & my parents, everyone disappeared & the whole world consisted of my beautiful boy at peace in my arms.

last night, i scooped him out of his crib, sweaty & sobbing, & rocked him while he hiccupped himself calm, & then just held him quietly while his brother slept next to us. & for a few moments my beautiful boy was my whole world again.

bc i started it...

(& feel i need to stay semi-public to stay accountable) a random update on my weight-- down to 138!

& i can fit into my pre-emma jeans! altho i really want those last 18 lbs GONE.

breastfeeding is ruining my marriage

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

best road trip ever

not really.

the trip itself was fine, but the drive? yeah....

we hit horrible weather, rotten traffic, were nearly run over by a BMW, & conrad threw up 4 separate times on the 3 hr ride north. we had to pull over at some kind of cold storage warehouse to clean up the poor kid. N tackled the puke filled car seat while i tried to nurse a hysterical baby surrounded by confused truckers, all of whom got a nice long gander at my exposed boob.

on the way home, em blew out her car seat. & i mean she blew. it. out. the kid pooped out her diaper, out her onesie, out her pants & filled the car seat. it was seriously impressive pooping for a 7 week old baby. so we stopped at a mc.don.ald's, where once again we performed some serious emergency clean up, & N (accidentally) trashed their bathroom by clogging the toilet with things that shouldn't have been flushed. don't ask.

i love road trips with 3 babies.

have i mentioned i'm taking the kids up north again in 2 weeks by myself? i must be nuts.

numbers

moms of many-- ever feel randomly jealous of some one who has just one kid?

moms of one--do you feel jealous of moms with more?

green acres

we're visiting the in-laws soon, up on their farm (it's not a real farm, but it used to be, & they still keep horses & some pasture.) hopefully it will be a good trip. N's folks haven't met emma yet, & his mom hasn't seen the guys in almost a year so everyone is (hopefully) looking forward to it.

i'm mostly just hoping conrad doesn't have an awful allergy flare-up. his excema is horrible right now & we're headed to a house with 4 giant dogs. (he's allergic to dogs.) so we've loaded up on zy.rtec & steroids & hoping for the best.

& i'm hoping no one freaks out over me nursing em. it's their house, so i'll be discreet (i always am anyways, i don't like showing lots of boob in public. nothing against those who do, show all you want-- it doesn't bother me to see it, i just prefer to hide mine.) anyways-- i'm not sure what the ettiquette is for nursing in the home of in-laws who aren't really pro-bfing.



as an aside, it occurs to me that this blog has gotten incredibly boring. the minutia of my life pry isn't very interesting to anyone else. sorry about that, if anyone is still reading. i now get enough sleep to think of other topics to write about, but still don't get enough free time to write about them. at least it's progress in the right direction tho!

what to do

it's always ben assumed that when the kids were old enough, i would go back to work. (old enough= starting school). i had always assumed i would WANT to go back to work. instead, i find myself dreading the prospect of finding employment beyond that of full-time mom.
i feel like this is the role/job i was meant to have, & it's the only thing i've ever really loved doing. that said, there will come a point where the kids no longer want mom around all the time, & it's jus tnot practical for me to be hanging around the house indefinetly. so maybe when that time comes i will want to return to work. or maybe i'm only dreading the prospect because i don't knwo what i'd do with myself. i don't want to practise law & that is all i've ever done, with the exception of teaching pre-school. an english degree & a j.d. just don't qualify you for much in the way of practical employment.
i really like the dental hygenist idea, but without taking out more loans, it's not feasible anymore given recent changes in the trooper's contract with the state (i.e. N's paycheck.) my hope is i can do the dental thing at a later date... or maybe we'll win the lottery & i can be a SAHM mom indefinetly. (unlikely, as we don't play the lottery. but hey, a girl can hope, right?)

hold me accountable

no, this isn't about to become a weight loss blog, but i need a way to hold myself accountable, so i'm posting (publicly--ack!).

once upon a time, pre-kiddos, i weighed 110, but i have no illusions about ever being that skinny again, so i'm shooting for 120 as a happy weight for me. i currently weigh 143, (down from 177 at the end of my pg with emma) & i'm almost back to where i was before i got pg with em. of course with 3 kids in 2 years, everything has changed shape, so weight is really nothing more than a number, but it is a way to keep track of progress i suppose. mostly i just want to fit in my jeans again!

we eat pretty healthy here, so i'm not going to worry about diet. i'm just adding in some exercise & hoping that between that & nursing i'll keep shedding pounds. wish me luck!!

like sands through the hourglass...

these are the days of our lives.

& man, are they flying! i feel like we just brought emma home yesterday, & yet she's almost 6 weeks old. every day is one event after another until we can all crash out for a few hours then start it all over again. & i think that, for me, is the biggest difference in becoming a family of 5, with 3 babies.

i had thought that life with twins was task-oriented, but this is even more so. most days, i am occupied with taking care of another person from the minute i wake until the minute i fall asleep. every. single. minute. & on the days when N is off work (like today) i might be lucky enough to snag a few minutes to myself to shower alone, or make a real dinner, or (like now) get some computer time while doing nothing more taxing than holding a sleeping em.

so far so good, i'm staying sane & manage to escape the house for maybe an hour or so on occasion to grab groceries, & that has been enough. i like to be busy, & i actually enjoy the chaos (to an extent). i wouldn't have so many little kids if i didn't kind of like the crazy. but i am amazed at how little time there is in a day. even on days when the boys are having fits of the screaming-meemees, & emma refuses to exist peacefully anywhere but in my arms, i'm still usually too busy to spend much time stressing over it.

eveyone has had to make some adjustmets in regard to the reduced mom-time, & mostly the boys are doing ok. they're used to sharing mom, just not with a baby as well as their brother, so we've had some hariy moments. N has also had to find some extra wells of patience, since adding to kate's mom duties necessarily takes away a bit from kate the wife.

as much as i might like to fast forward to the part where i can sleep again, or have uninterrupted sex, or even just be able to shower every day, after seeing the way time has been sailing by since emma arrived i don't really want to rush her baby days. i know this will all improve with time, & eventually i will find myself again in the chaos. so for now i'm ok to tread water. i'm just hoping i can keep it up for a few more months before i start sinking.

poop

what is it about poop & boys?

we spent the day at a local art fair that has a mini petting zoo, so of course we had to take the kids in to see the animals. the boys LOVED it, especially val. (val has a very strong liking for anything furry. it's both cute & scary, bc the boy is fearless when it comes to critters.) anyways, while the boys wandered around petting goats & sheep & a random llama, i spent the whole time trying to keep them from picking up poop.

not a huge deal, since they are just little goobers, but N & my dad also seemed totally into checking out the size of the enormous poops some creature was leaving all over, as did every little boy over age 5 in the petting zoo. (the littler ones were trying to grab the poop rather than discuss its merits.) & then there were the poop jokes. i mean, i enjoy a good poop joke as much as the next person, but even i have my limits. boys do not seem to have the same boundaries.

sigh. i'm hoping emma is slightly less into bodily functions.

random recipe

we like spicy in this house, & the dudes are no exception. so we have a hard time getting them to eat usual toddler foods, but i found this chicken strips recipe & they (& we) love it! & it's super easy & quick, which is nice for me, since i get about 20 mins to throw dinner together.

it's a lb of chicken tenderloins (the little chicken breast strips, but i guess you could also just use boneless skinless chicken breasts), that you dip in catalina dressing, & then dredge in breadcrumbs & bake for 20 mins at 350. i've also added frank's hot sauce to the mix, & subbed italian dressing for catalina & it's good pretty much no matter what. & the guys actually EAT it, rather than feeding it to the cats! (ok, so the cats still get more than their fair share, but whatever. as long as the boys eat too, i'm happy.)

do you all have any quickie kiddie favs to share?

fourth of july in photos

we had a really little bbq with the fam (my folks, & my best bud & her folks, & all the kids), did a mini-fireworks show (the boys acutally seemed to dig it) we watched from our garage in full light (bc we didn't want to keep the kids up late) while we all roasted in 95 degree heat. it was totally laid back & actually really fun. :) oh, & the guys dove in their pool fully clothed. it was so hot i just popped their dipes off & let tham at it. in truth, i would have dove in myself if i wasn't still super pudgey from em!

rise & shine

you know those mornings where you wake up early & know that as soon as you fall back asleep a kid will wake up/alarm will go off/something will happen to keep you from sleeping, so you stay awake & then nothing happens & you're up ridiculously early for no reason at all? yeah....

sex after baby

what do you think of it?

i know i'm ridiculously lucky that N (who i think is pretty hot. & still looks as good as he ever did, unlike yours truly) still wants me. i find my post-babies body about as un-hot as it's possible to be. i'm covered in angry red stretch marks, my belly sags from 2 years of being pregnant, i'm carrying about 20 extra pounds right now, my boobs leak. yeah, yeah, yeah, i should appreciate my body for the miracle it is & be proud i bore 3 beautiful, healthy kids. but let's be honest, that BS only goes so far. i know i'll get back in shape & lose the weight eventually, but in the meantime i really don't get how N can possibly still find me attractive.

& it's not like he's hounding me for sex. what with the c-section that didn't heal (all the problems with my incision have really delayed healing & it's super annoying for many reasons), the 3 babies (one a nursing newborn), & lack of sleep etc, he is well aware sex isn't happening for a while. but he is hoping for some alternative action, & honestly i just haven't been up for that either.

so we had a talk about all this & how sex is hard in the immediate post-baby months for mom, etc, etc. & what it comes down to is that sex is important in our marriage & i want to make a better effort to at least work in some intimate moments. really, all the man is asking for is some occasional make-out sessions, & maybe a little alternative gratification worked in once in a while. so i tell him i'm willing, & he gets upset that i'd take this on as an obligation, rather than as something i want. so i was trying to explain that for me, at least, obligation isn't necessarily a bad thing. i always enjoy it once i make myself do it, but i have to make myself make time to be my husband's wife. otherwise, being my kids' mom takes over & becomes an all-consuming role.

ultimately i think it's an effort worth making, & i'm glad N can put voice to what he needs, without having unrealistic expectations, but getting back in the saddle is always a bit rough for me. it took about 6 mos after the boys were born for me to feel enough myself to really jump into things with abandon again. (& then of course we got preggo with emma... go figure!) so while i'm hoping it doesn't take that long again, i'm sort of approaching post-baby sex this time around with a "if you build it, they will come" approach.

so i'm cheap...

i freaking love garage sales.

yeah, they can be skeezy & weird, but they can also be totally awesome. mostly i love a good deal. & we're now buying for 3 kids who grow ridiculously fast, i really hate paying full price for anything. so i really love garage sales.

our neighborhood had a sub-wide garage sale this morning, & my mom & i went our & hunted for kids stuff. i was looking for a play gym (a big one) for the boys, which i didn't find, (ok, i did find one, but they wanted $75!!! no way. some people seriously overprice their junk.) but i did find a bunch of brand new girls' clothes from a neighbor with twin girls for emma (at least 10 outfits, all NEW, altho they're mostly big sizes for this fall) & a TON of toys for the guys-- a train, a really cool block set, a giant tub of duplos, a "band kit" (drums, etc), a hammer & bench set, a talking phone, & some clothes. & i got all of it for under $10. & this stuff looks like it's never been used. i love it.

sometimes the sales are a bust, but today we rocked it & i feel like we might as well have stolen this stuff, it was so cheap.

i just finished disinfecting all the toys & am now totally psyched for the dudes to wake up & see their new haul. sometimes i think i love new toys as much as they do :)

home alone

with all 3 kids for the first time today.

got the boys down for a nap, & for some reason val seriously objected to emma hanging in a bouncy seat while we were doing the nap routine. massive hysterics ensued, so poor em had to hang in a basket (not literally HANG, you know what i mean!) this obviously won't work as a permanent solution, so i'm going to have to figure something else out to keep her happy & safely in earshot while i'm with the dudes. i'm hoping val gets over his objection to the bouncy seat, since em likes the vibrations & while i hate to hear any of my kids cry, there's something especially wrenching about a newborn cry.

& why am i home alone? N isn't back at work yet. he has strep throat. (yay!) so he's off at the doc, getting some (more) antis & then doing some minor grocery shopping, bc altho we went yesterday, we are incapable of remembering everything we need in one trip. (yes, even with a list.)

so now the guys are snoozing & em & i are are having some girl time (i.e. she's laying on me working on a snooze, since she will not fall asleep anywhere but while being held.) i know you're not "supposed" to hold your baby to sleep, but whatever. they're only this tiny once & i love baby snuggles. plus, she sleeps pretty well when we lay her down once she's out.

(sorry this has been a boring blog. i'm just going to keep soldiering on with posts until this place feels like "home" in hopes that something interesting in the way of inspriation will pop up again.)

a stunted blog

i feel sort of tongue-tied on this blog. i started writing on the old one with the intent that it wold be an outlet, kind of like an online journal, so it didn't matter if anyone other than me ever read it. i think i need to start thinking that way again or i may never write again. things have been happening in life that i could blog about, but this blog feels new & weird. it's silly, but the old one was like an old friend i could go confide in, & the conversation has become stunted & awkward since i moved here.

so in the interest of shaking off some dust & getting going, i'm going to ramble for a bit--

i'm still sort of on new-baby-autopilot. emma sleeps about 3 hrs at a stretch, but won't go down until around 1 in the morning. 9-1 is her fussy &/or awake time. so while i'm not totally sleep deprived (nothing like with the boys) i'm not at my sharpest either. i'd have to say overall that having 1 kiddo at a time is WAY easier than 2 (duh). i know this is seriosuly obnoxious of me to say, but it makes me wonder what parents of singletons are complaining about. yeah, every kid can be difficult, but one kid being difficult is a piece of cake. (i'm sure this statement will come back to bite me some day when i think i'm in for a peaceful time with just one of the kids. karma works like that.) or maybe it's that this is our 3rd, & a full term baby & we're just more confident in our own parenting this time around.

N has em right now, & the boys are napping, & altho it's nice (i guess) to have my self to myself, it feels almost wrong not to have a child attached to me somewhere. weird, right?

...

i cannot find a minute in which to organize my thoughts. ah, life with a newborn.

actually, if it were just emma, life would be a peach. it's the combo of 3 little goobers that's running me ragged. & this is with N home still!! :P

new blog, day 1

just testing to make sure all is working as it should over here.

stupid hackers. sigh. this solves the "going private" problem (i didn't really want to, but some nosey semi-family members were forcing the issue), but i'm still annoyed i had to change anything. hopefully this works out!

just for fun, here are some new kiddo pics! we have con eating blackberries, emma snoozing sweetly, & the guys riding their push car. (yeah, they actually climb on there together of their own accord. they also take turns pushing eachother in it-- it's almost too cute to be real. not that i'm biased or anthing.)

world cup

i am loving that there are a minimum of 6hrs of soccer on a day. awesome.

cabin fever

i am antsy. i need to get out of the house. but i am not yet capable of lifting anything other than emmma (altho thankfully i CAN finally lift her by myself!) & i am still on lots of drugs, nor can i move very fast, so driving or going anywhere with the dudes is pry not the best idea. i also am not yet up for walking any where more significant than around the house & after trying stairs this morning decided that it may be a few days yet before i can manage our second floor.
c-section complications are not fun. (& i don't want to hear any crap about having a c-section. it was safest for em & for me. we don't take risks with our kids' health. end of story. even knowing what would happen afterwards, i'd still chose the surgery again.)
anyways-- regardless of all that, i am bored & antsy & in need of some sort of action.





a couple personal notes:

karianne-- if you're reading, stay tuned. once i find my camera, i have some pics to share, just for you & miss K!

kristi from nebraska-- if you're reading, lurkers like you are the reason i'm dragging my feet about going private. i don't write with inspriation as my intent, but knowing it's been a source of entertainment or hope for you makes me feel like maybe i've done a tiny bit of good in the world, especially knowing how lonely i felt after losing our first boys. i hope you don't mind being mentioned in a post (if you do, i'll remove this) but i just wanted to say thanks for de-lurking long enough to comment!

updates

so the mini-surgery (raelly jsut re-opening the incision to drain the blood) went awesome yesterday-- no anesthesia & i was home in 2 hrs, just in time to feed a hungry emma. :)
so i'm still a bit sore, but the horrible burning feeling is gone & i am hopeful that in a week or so i'll be feeling better. as long as i don't need *real* surgery again, the biggest bummer over all this is that it's going to take longer to heal, but at least i can be home while i'm healing. i go back on monday & we'll see how things are looking then.

in other news-- i got our mo.by wrap today & so far really like it! yes, it's going to be warm this summer, but i mostly want it for around the house & i can crank our air conditioning as needed. i originally got the k't.an, but discovered that the size that fit the rest of me did NOT work with the boobs. or, it worked with the boobs, but left no room for baby. so i returned that one, which other wise i think i would have liked & went with the classic. emma is currently happily curled up in a "hug" hold right now. :)

at the risk of having to eat my words....

i am feeling a bit more optimistic today.
i have enough milk pumped for a couple feedings. 2 bottles (the max i can figure she'd need, altho i'm hoping she'll just sleep the whole time) will NOT permanently put her off the boob, since that's all i plan on offering the kid once i'm home.
once they stop the bleeding & the pressure is off the giant wound, i'm guessing (hoping) i'll feel loads better. kind of like when you finally get the splinter out, or pop that giant blister... right?
i am not a wuss & am thinking N will pry stress out during the procedure more than i will. (the man is a soldier when it comes to blood & gore, unless it's mine, in which case he tends to freak.)
both my parents are coming over to watch the kids, so despite my totally unfounded, but very real, anxiety over leaving my week-old baby for a couple hours, i know all 3 goobers will be well cared for & spoiled as much as possible during that time.

i am very much looking forward to this all being over.

brief updates & shameless request for good thoughts tomorrow...

the doc appt/mini-surgery for the screwed up incision is tomorrow at 1. i managed (with effort!) to pump plenty for emma in case she's hungry before we get back, but i'm hoping my mom can stave her off (or better yet, that she'll sleep) until i'm home.
i actually feel marginally better today, so i'm hoping if they take care of the bleeding, that i'll really start to feel decent again soon.

em is still doing great, & the boys are awesome as always. they're only mildly interested in their new sister, but we have finally managed to convince them that she is not, in fact, a kitty. i consider the discovery that we're all the sam species an important first step on the path to a healthy sibling relationship, so we're pretty pleased. :)

crushed.

i heard from my doc today, & while em is doing beautifully, i'm not doing quite so well. i've had alot of trouble with the incision from my c-section- in the hospital it wouldnt quit bleeding, & then it became increasingly painful & started oozing again once we got home. sunday night it bled through everything i was wearing, so i put a call in to my doc & went back to the hospital to have it checked out. they didn't find any infection (good) but found lots of bleeding behind the incision (not good). my doc called today fora status report & it's actually been hurting worse. when i told him that he said he thought we'd need to schedule an additional surgery to take care of it (i.e. drain it). i got off the phone & burst into tears, as another surgery means anesthesia, which means no feeding em & more time away from all of my kids.
it's been so hard being home & being unable to do anything. i can't play with my boys, i can't sit on the floor with them or feed them, or help put them to bed. i can't even lift my 8lb daughter. but i can feed her, which means the world to me, espcially since i wasn't able to BF the boys & it's pretty much the only mommy thing i'm capable of doing right now. i've been so proud & happy over how well she's eating. the BFing experience has been everything every says it wont be right away-- it doesn't hurt, she knows exactly how to latch, supply is great, it really coudn't be going smoother & i've been holding on to that as something that's going well, since it's all i can do. it's been keeping my frustration at bay, & the thought of losing that too (even temporarily) just crushed me.
i think my doc guessed how miserable i was at the idea of another hospital stay, so he called back & offered to try to do it with a local anesthetic so i could go home & BF the same day. i was warned that it could be pretty painful & if it was too bad i'd have to have surgery anyways. of course i opted for the local anesthetic & i am going to do my damndest to just deal with the pain. i want to heal, & i want to be home & be with my babies.
the "procedure" is scheduled for thurday afternoon (i asked to push it back a couple days so i can hopefully pump enough for the feeding or 2 i'll miss). i'll be glad to be out of pain, (i tried to describe it to my mom , & its most like being burned. it feels like some one is laying a piece of burning metal across my belly all the time), but i'm dreading this & i'm stressed about pumping screwing with my supply, or em liking bottles more than boob. i hate pumping.
my mom is going to stick around to help out, but she's also having a rough time, since she just found out a dear friend of hers died yesterday by choking during lunch. they had grown less close in recent years bc they no longer lived very near, but it's still hit her hard.
all of this combined with post partum hormones is making me very weepy.
oh, & it's my birthday.

p.s. yes, i'm still planning on going private, so if you haven't already, see the below post & drop me a comment.

going private...

i decided to open this back up briefly, to let you all know i think i'm going private. if you want to keep reading, please drop me a message in comments since i'll need your email to give you access. lurkers, you are welcome to keep reading, you'll just have to de-lurk long enough to let me know. i'm going private to protect the kids' privacy.

Emma

Her birth story really starts on Friday, when we went into L&D with contrax that i *knew* were different, but unfortunately (for me anyways!) weren't making fast enough progress to justify moving up the c-section, so we got a shot of terb.utaline & sent home, where the contrax slowed enough for me to sleep friday night & then persisted through sunday night. i know it sounds weird, but when i went to bed sunday night, i just had a feeling she'd be coming that night. i was up every half hour or so, & then at 2am got woken up with killer contrax, tried to tough it out for a half hour or so (lord knows what i was thinking!) & then called my mom to come over & stay with the guys. N in the meantime had gotten up with the boys, & by 330am we were on our way to the hospital. N called our OB on the way there, who asked no questions & just said he'd meet us there.
i'd been hoping to avoid the whole painful labor thing on the front end, since i knew recovery from surgery would hurt, but no such luck. L&D was super quiet tho & my doc rocks, so we only had to wait til 5 to head into surgery. the spinal was a piece of cake & N & i were talking & laughing thru the whole surgery-- it was a VERY different feeling than when we delivered the boys. much more peaceful, & low(er) stress. Em was born at 533am, she got to stay with me & N all thru the 2hrs i had to be in recovery. it has been beyond wonderful to actually KEEP my baby with me this whole time. i feel like alot of people take for granted being able to hold their baby right away, but after having NICU babies, i've really treasured these first few days with our girl.

She

is here!
Emma X., May 31, 2010, 5:33am. 8lbs 10oz, 20 inches, & perfect in every way.

2 days left!!!

ok, i know the ticker says 1, but thats bc i don't really count today or the day of, so there's only one WHOLE day left, even tho we aren't technically having the baby until tuesday.

either way, i'm excited! altho also kind of dreading the surgery & recovery... c-sections suck. (of course its worth it to have a healthy baby, but they still suck!)

baby announcement "rules"

(great idea karinanne!)

so, when (& if) you all get a "baby is here" text from me/N, please keep any & all gender/name info to yourselves, so my folks & us can have time to spread the news to family without everyone finding out on fb. once you all see a fb announcement go up, it's a free-for-all, & you can say whatever you want. deal? simple congrats are fine, btw, just no details please! :)

5am

& up all by my lonesome.

i *should* be taking advantage of my last weekend to sleep in, since N is home to get up with the boys but sleep is elusive this morning soi gave up at 5 & just got up.

for those interested: contrax continue so far this morning, but am hoping they chill soon. am going to try to convinced N to stay quiet at home today so i can relax & not do much. carting my boys around triggers TONS of contractions, & the suckers freaking hurt (the contrax, not the dudes!) & we're supposed to go to a wedding tonight. or at least the reception, we're skipping the wedding for reasons of comfort (as in, the pregannt woman cannot face an hour long drive to sit in a hard church pew right now).
& bc i can go off on a tangent, i'm going to-- the girl getting married is the 18yo daughter of some friends from church. now i happen to think 18 is kinda young to be married, but whatever, to each their own. i'm not going to knock them bc of their age. that said, when they registered (2 weeks ago!!) apparently they only registered for all the most expensive things at BB&B. now, we aren't rich & i seriously doubt any of their parent's friends or their own 18yo friends are very wealthy, so why on earth did they ask for $100 crock pots? or a $90 knife? (yup, ONE knife!) or a $400 pot & pan set? i know they need some things to get started & i would have liked to get them an actual gift, but good lord-- we can't afford that crap! there were NO reasonably priced gifts on the list. sigh. so we chalked the crazy registry up to inexperience & just got them a gift card. & i'm guessing that's what everyone did, since i went shopping yesterday, the wedding is today & there was NOTHING purchased off their registry. you'd think the parents would have takled some sense into the kids, but who knows. people are weird.

& that's all i have this early in the morning. if you're on my list to be texted, i promise (again) that if anythign exciting happens (like we really go into labor) you'll hear from me. :) enjoy the holiday weekend!