Monday, January 23, 2012

bullet point musings on life with 4

- i miss my "big" kids. conrad & emma have been sick the past few days, which has been especially hard since they just want to cuddle mama. when emma started the day today crying "no milo, no!" i gave up & handed him off to N for a while, despite the cries, so i could cuddle my sicky girl.

- milo is a velcro baby. pretty much cries if he's not being held at all times. totally fine by me, i think babies SHOULD be velcroed to mom most of the time. however, this is much harder to pull off successfully with 3 toddlers running loose. i love my moby wrap, but even moby can't save me all of the time.

- i am seriosuly stressed over how i am going to pull things off when N goes back to work. i really thought adding one more to the mix wouldn't be that rough. after all, the jump from 2 to 3 wasn't a big deal. 3 to 4, however, is a much different story. things have gotten exponentially harder & it seems to be universally true for all parents of 4 who i've discussed this with. maybe someday i'll explore why, but for now, it's enough to know that it simply IS harder. much harder.

- to that end, i am attempting to simplify life in the coming weeks by freezing a bunch of dinners to reheat on days when N works. i refuse to feed everyone quickie dinners all the time, but i know i will have zero time to cook. hopefully i can keep this up & make several freezer meals each week to use as needed. so far i have fish cakes & veggie burgers on ice, & a few more dishes ready to be cooked & frozen once i have the freezer space. (N needs to defrost our seconf freezer. yup, we have 2 freezers.)

- the animals are all feeling neglected & acting obnoxious. they don't seem to understand when i tell them it will be a couple months before we find a new normal.

- somehow, despite the sleeplessness & spit-up, knowing milo is the last makes everything easier to take. i have yet to get frustrated at being awake all night long, or having puke run down my cleavage in my last clean bra, or get plain old fed up at holding a baby 24/7. even the stinky, messy, 4am moments are precious when you know it's the last time. i think bc i know how much i'll miss it. i've never been one who loved being pregnant, but i really do love a new baby.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

milo's birth story

EDIT: i'm going to guess that the grammar/spelling is really horrid here. sorry, i just don't want to go back over this enough to fix the typos. i am putting post here only as a means to purge the negative from my mind & my memories, & leave me with only the sense of peace that seeing my littlest boy for the first time brought me.
fyi- if you're planning on a c-section, this is NOT the post for you!

for most of the 2nd & 3rd, i felt *off*. like SOMETHING was going to happen, but i was so miserable & we had a c-section scheduled for the 9th, i talked myself out of believing we were actually close. (althoough, oddly enough, i did spend most of the 3rd doing last minute things that i knew no one else would do, "just in case".) 230am on the 4th, i woke up to pee, took a triup to the bathroom, laid back down in bed then REALLY had to pee & made it to the bathroom just in time for my water to break. (i went through this exact same scenario with the twins too, so it was very deja vu for me.) i yelled for N, who sprang into action, called my mom & our OB & threw the last of our stuff into a bag. my mom arrived within 10 minutes & we too off for the hospital.
with the twins, i labored for several hours before they decided a c-section was critical, & was only a 4 when we went back to the OR, & with emma, i only labored about 2 hours & was a 2 when we headed to the OR, so we weren't expecting things to move that quickly. milo had other ideas however, & even though it was only an hour from when we arrived to when we were in the OR, things moved very fast. while they were still prepping me for surgery, started feeling like i needed to push (do i need to add here that the contractions were ridiculous at this point? i am not someone who ever planned on a medication-free birth & progressing that quickly with a footling breach who was supposed to be surgically delivered was not only not fun, but pretty scary.)
at that point, my mild-mannered OB started yelling for the anesthetist, who finally showed up & did a spinal. this is also where things really started not to go well. the spinal didn't work on my right side. at all. they tipped me on pillows, moved things around, tested & re-tested to see if it worked & nothing changed. (i was also alone this whole time, bc N was waiting for the ok to come in.) my doc finally says the baby HAS to be born & to proceed with a local. they tell me if the local doesn't work, i'll be put under a general anesthetic & N will be asked to leave. i am paraoind about missing my baby's birth, & worried about WHY he has to be born RIGHT NOW, so i just nod & try not to cry. N comes in & looks worried. the whole atmostphere is very different from our delivery with emma, or even with the twins. everyone is tense & quiet, & the anesthetist is hovering over me like a some kind of giant bumblebee (all i can remember about that doctor is that she was wearing an awful yellow-striped headband.)
so they start the surgery & the local anesthetic is ok at first, but the sensations of pressure that are normal get worse the further they cut & by the time they reach the baby, it's not pressure-- it's pain & i am screaming on the table. things got a bit better after they got milo out (N told me later they kept pumping me full of morphine), & i got a peek at his perfect, furious little face before they took him off to get checked out. at that point, they started putting me back together, which was worse than being taken apart in the first place. i cannot describe what it felt like, other than to tell you to imagine having abdominal surgery with no anesthesia. i told N to go with the baby, then totally lost it for a while until i woke up while they were fixing my scar (i apparently had a lot of scar tissue that had to be removed.) N showed me pictures of milo, & i remember hearing one of the docs ask "what are we going to do about her bleeding?" before things got hazy again. i remember waking up in recovery with milo & N waiting for me. i remember apologies from the doctors, & lots more morphine, & bleeding like crazy in recovery, & honestly-- it's all stuff i'd rather not dwell on. i've delayed posting anything about milo's birth bc i really don't want to relive it. it was beautiful only in the sense that my sweet boy is here safely, but i'd much prefer to focus on the afterwards part, where i could spend hours staring at his prefect little face & forget everything else while contemplating the whirls in his hair & his tiny monkey toes.

i'm ok, & milo is perfect, so all in all, it could have been much worse. i'm not angry or upset with the hospital or the docs. i really believe they did the best they could to keep my baby safe. in the end, all i really wanted was to be able to go home with all 4 of my kids, & since that's where i am now, i suppose "all's well that ends well" applies in this situation as well as anywhere. the joy i feel in my family outweighs everything else, & i am grateful for that & the safe delivery of my milo.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Meet Milo Joseph!

the original love of my life, with my newest love.

Milo Joseph P. was born at 4:40am on January 4. 8'9" and 21 inches long. he is beautiful, and completely charming in every imaginable way. N & i are thrilled with our sweet boy, & i am so loving having a newborn again that the lack of sleep isn't even a bother.
i'll post a full birth story when i have a few minutes to myself. (Milo is on a clusterfeeding bender at the moment!) but i at least wanted to update that baby BOY is here & healthy.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

losing it

why are all these famous people suddenly doing weight loss commercials? i just saw 3 in a row-- jennifer hudson, janet jackson & mariah carey. all pushing weight loss plans. & know it's new year resolution time & all, but geez.
not to knock the plans if they work but my personal weight loss plan for this new year is to nurse the weight off! pretty sure that wouldn't make a very tv-friendly commercial, although i do wish women took a more relaxed approach to weight loss after baby. no matter how much you gain, it takes 9 mos to put it all on, so why on earth would you think it would come off in 2 months? it took me 6 months to not feel chubby after emma, & another 5 months after that to be at a weight i was happy with. granted, that was a slow weight loss, but i tend to gain quite a bit when pregnant & prefer to lose without suffering. most of us don't have personal trainers, personal chefs, or 3 hours a day to spend at the gym, so why beat your self up if it takes a bit longer to lose the weight?

(i say this all with the caveat that i'm sure i will at some point be bummed out & complain about the residual tummy-squish that will take months to disapear. i'm only human, after all!)

Monday, January 2, 2012

it's my party & i can cry if i want to.

ok, so it's not so much a party as a blog, but whatever.
i am beyond glad there is a definite end date for this pregnancy. only 6 days left (i don't count today or the day of), & if it were any longer, i think i would be spending most of my days in tears. i have NEVER been so uncomfortable, including when i was carrying the twins, & then i had separated ribs. (although then i was also on bedrest & not chasing 3 little hoodlums around. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't want to be in the same situation again, i'm just saying-- it's easier to be miserable when you don't HAVE to function. 3 kids requires a functioning mom no matter what i feel like.)
N has been working non-stop, & will be right up until the 9th. i am exhausted, i hurt, & i'm sick of useless contractions, random nausea, obnoxious bouts of diarrhea & constant hip & back pain.
i've been relying on my mom to come help with the kiddos the past few days, mostly bc i want them to have fun this week, since it's their last "normal" week for a while. they're all old enough to stress about a new baby & no one is used to having mom gone for as long as i'll have to be in the hospital, so i really want them to have a normal, fun week & not lay around & watch sesame street all day (which is pretty much all i'm up for flying solo, & all i'll be up for once i get home for a while. i hate c-section recoveries.)
so we played in the snow this morning. the guys discovered snow balls & snow men, & emma discovered the difficulties of falling down in a snow suit. i'm counting on still-new christmas toys to help entertain us all this afternoon, & a heating pad to keep me functioning til bedtime.
6 more days. i can do this.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

happy new year

i've never been a new years person. for years it's been my least favorite holiday. i think it's over-hyped & just not that fun, honestly. & the whole 'new beginning" thing? well, if you aren't happy with something in your life, why are you wating until the new year to change it? make the effort to be the person you want to be year round, & new years is just another day.
i suppose it IS a good excuse for a party, but for me, it's a relief to have little kids & great excuse to stay home.
N worked a double yesterday (& again today) so he was mostly MIA, but my folks came over & brought pizza & brownies & a bunch of silly hats & horns for the kids. my mom hung out long enough after dinner to help me put the hoard to bed (super awesome of her, since this kid has now shifted lower & is giving me really awful sciatic pain) & i got to be in bed & ASLEEP by 10pm. it was lovely.