Saturday, June 25, 2011

welcome to the 19th century

when everyone else is gettting ipads & smart phones & watching 3d tv, my household is reverting to the pre-indsutrial era.
it started when i freaked out at the kids a few days ago. the boys are going through a whiney/tantrum throwing/attention demanding toddler phase, & i had been listenting to nothing but whiney crying for days on end. N has been working non-stop long days, so i have been flying solo at home for quite a while. anyways-- all this resulted in my losing my temper, which is something i hate doing & try very hard not to do in front of anyone, let alone my kids. when N later asked what was wrong with me, i told him.
bc of our schedules lately, i feel like my husband has become a stranger. i feel isolated & alone, & i am not happy with the turn our relationship has taken.
N, being N, took this all super seriously & thought i was secretly planning a divorce & panicked. i had nothing of the sort in mind, i love my husband, i just want us to find some time to reconnect as a married couple instead of as business partners/roommates. he still feels happy & appreciated on a day to day basis, but i do not & i needed that to change.
anyways-- N has decided that part of our "reconnecting" should be technology-free time. the first night, we literally sat at opposite ends of the couch & stared at each other, giggling awkwardly, until we finally started talking. so far i think all it's showed me is that it's harder than you think to eliminate ALL media, even for just a few hours. i'm not really sure this is going to "fix" things for us(me), but it IS kind of interesting to see what happens when you shut everything down for a day.
so we're going to soldier on with our brief forays into the 19th century & see where it takes us. if i start spinning wool or churning butter, some one please send help!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


N has been working non-stop of late, & as a (fake) single mom, i barely have time to eat, let alone blog. but since this feels neglected & sad, i thought i'd post a pic of my mini-mozarts as a placeholder until i have some moments to myself again.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

old business

since i think i have a few minutes to myself before i have to get the kids rolling, i have a few orders of business to attend to.

first: a couple of thank yous are in order. last week when i was feeling about as low & stressed & frightened as i have in months, 2 far-away friends sent lovely gifts. karianne, who's traveled with me down this road for a few years now, over at staying above the water, sent a beautiful & very tasty edible arrangement. i discovered a love of chocolate covered pineapple & conrad decided he likes melon (this is HUGE news for a kid with all kinds of eating issues). & justine, at a half baked life, a new-found friend of only a few months, sent some wonderful homemade muffins. they lasted about 2 days (yup, i'm a pig!) but they were light & delicious & perfect to ward off the breakfast queesies.
more important than the stuff they sent however, was the sentiment that came with the gifts. i so needed those smiles, & i am grateful that they took the time & effort to reach out to someone far away. you guys rock!

second item of business: we got emmie's x-ray results back & they were "negative." the wording confused me a bit, but the docs assure me that there is nothing physically wrong with her lungs & likely we're just dealing with asthma. not ideal, obviously, but we can handle asthma. & bc she is not in acture distress, we're going to hold off on treating her until we're certain it's asthma. i'm ok with that plan, since we have a nebulizer & meds on hand (thanks to the boys) should anything come up in the meantime.

item third: last friday i had another cramping/bleeding/panic inducing scare. we went in for an u/s & once again baby was just fine. the bleed is still there & the doc thinks that is where the spotting is coming from. despite the baby being ok, i had a minor melt down after the appointment. i have another u/s today, & am really hoping the bleed has started to resolve & baby is still hanging tough.

& with all that wrapped up, hopefully i'll have some more cheerful news to report next time.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

fun with preggo pics

this is mostly bc i think it's fun to compare. i'm sure this is pretty boring for everyone else-- sorry!

9 weeks with #4 (i didn't take an 8 weeker... i have 7 & 9...i'm not very good about taking belly pictures.) i think this shirt actually camoflages the tummy pretty well...

8 weeks with #3, (emma!), with scout the bird hanging out for fun)

8 weeks with #s 1 & 2, (val & conrad), & sick as a dog. i'm surprised i was able to stop puking long enough to get a photo!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

it's always something...

at em's 12 mo check up last week, i mentioned to her doc that she's had a funny, persistent dry cough for about a month. after checking her out, he thought he might have inhaled something into her lungs & ordered chest x-rays. we got the results yesterday & they didn't find anything in her lungs, but one of her lungs isn't inflating properly. ("less aerated" was the offical medical term.) so they ordered more films last night & now we're waiting for results again, & i'm spending lots of spare moments with my had on her chest, making she she's breathing.
she's not in any acute distress, but that hasn't stopped N & i from freaking out.

my 30th birthday is tomorrow. my best friend just called to see how i wanted to celebrate, & i had to tell her not at all. i'm just not in a celebratory mood, which sucks, since i feel like i should want to mark this milestone somehow. & maybe i will in a few days, but for now with the worry for the baby i'm growing & the worry the baby in my arms, i just don't have room for a birthday.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

attack of the incredibly cranky toddlers! (& other news)

the boys chose not to indulge in sleep last night, so we've had a really fun morning.
i'm generally pretty ok with tantrums. they happen. we do time outs, remove the kid from whatever triggered the melt-down, or ignore as the situation required. they're 2. life is full of drama. i get it. it's cool.
i have limits, however, & 3 hours of screaming toddlers is enough. all i can say this morning is thank heavens for elmo, & for pb & honey sandwiches. (yes, i glued their mouths shut with peanut butter. don't judge me!)

the state is reshuffling its police posts again, this time by opening everything up for transfers. this would be cool if transfers were optional, or if the state was paying for relocation, but the transfers are mandatory & there are no payments for moving. hopefully N has enough seniority to get what he bids for. sigh. this is where being a one-income family gets stressful.

my little brother has moved back to MI, & in with the parents. this is mostly good news, since he has struggled on his own for several years now & really needs the support he will get here. the "mostly" part comes into play as long as my mother can maintain her sanity. she tends to lose it where ever her "baby" is concerned. (& the "baby" is now 26.) if she can refrain from catering to his every whim & attacking the rest of us for so much as looking at him cross-eyed, it should be fun to have him home.

it is now naptime, & the dudes are again refusing sleep. it's just one of those days.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


excuse my absense, i have been struck by a new round of extreme sleepies. my pink quilt is languishing, laundry is in unfolded (but clean) piles, & i've lost all interest in cooking because although i am starving, of course nothing sounds good enough to eat.
none of this is unusual, & since i've been spending all my free time on the couch trying to cat nap N has been picking up the housework slack, leaving me plenty of time to rest/stress like a mad woman over the stupid bleed they found in my last u/s.
we went in tuesday bc of some spotting, on an older machine they tell me all is fine, we go in wednesday for our scheduled appt & my doc sees a big subchorionic hematoma (a bleed behind the placenta). sigh. we've dealt with this twice before, once with the twins, & once with our second loss. it sucks. i'm stressed.
i know there is absolutely nothing i can do, & that is both helpful & incredibly frustrating. i have another u/s on the 15th, & til then i just wait. & stress. & quietly freak out.
i've had a worried, anxious feeling about this pregnancy from the start. i felt great with em-- i can't say i didn't worry, but i felt confident. this time i feel like the hammer is going to fall at any time, & i don't know what the difference is.