Thursday, September 30, 2010

'tis the season

when the deer start to rut & N spends most of his free time up a tree.
(hunting season, for those of you not in the know.)

this year, in addition to this meaning N is gone on most of his off days, it also means we're peridically hosting a slew of buddies from the west side of the state, bc the hunting is infinetly better by us. which means more cleaning & cooking "man" meals for me, & listening to N stress over whether or not the added bodies will screw up his deer heard. none of whcih impacts my life in any great way, other than i don't get to wear my jammies all day when we have guests. (not bc they care, but bc i do.)

opening day is friday. let the good times roll.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


because i said i would, & the sweet girl deserves it-- this is a post devoted to our baby.

em is almost 4 mos, & has been from the very start the kind of baby you imagine you'll have before you actually have kids & realize it's nothing like you imagined. she eats great, goes to sleep easily, smiles all the time, loves to be held, but plays well on her own & is pretty much a complete charmer who has everyone she meets doting on her within minutes.
sure, she has her fussy moments, but walking in circles is her favorite mode of being soothed, so we don't often have to go to great lengths to calm her. she's such an easy baby that i sometimes feel guilty, but mostly we just enjoy having a kid who is thus far happy to go with the flow. this is not to say she doesn't have a temper-- she does. she has definite opinions about how her life should be (she's happiest with her brothers, in the center of whatever trouble they're getting into, or snugged safely in someone's arms.) rather than scream tho, this girl pouts. i shouldn't laugh, but it's so darn cute to see her bottom lip come out! daddy is wrapped around her little finger, of course, but for now she's still a mama's girl. (i'm pretty sure this is mostly bc i am all that is food & delicious, but whatever. i'll take it!)
her bros mostly ignore her, but will occasionally come to pet her (a la a kitty), give her a hug, or offer a toy. she's suffered the odd kick to the head or toy to the face, (nothing more serious than would make her cry momentarily), but jealousy tends mostly to pop up while we're nursing. we try to counter it by making nursing a time for books so they aren't left out & it (usually) works.)

pretty much little emmie is a piece of cake & a joy to have. techinically, i suppose she was an "accident", but the more i get to know her, the more convinced i am that she was no such thing. she is a baby we were meant to have & this is the time we were meant to have her. in a house full of (absolutely wonderful) twin toddler chaos, she is a little oasis of peace unto herself & i am grateful.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


sick. tired.

that's about it. 18 mo. appts for the dudes tomorrow, plus a trip to the allergist, so we'll get an update on the conman's situation with weight & allergies. yee-ha.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

it can't always be a 3-way tie

ever make a parenting decision & then realize belatedly what you should have done instead? i don't mean anything earth shaking choices, i just mean little things-- how to handle a particular tantrum, what to do when your kid resists the nap routine, or picks a fight with a sibling.
i just did that with conrad, & now feel ridiculously guilty over it. i misunderstood what he was up to (not hard to do, in hindsight, since he doesn't speak much english yet, but still...) & ended up dumping him in his crib instead of cuddling after he threw his sippy across the room. the throwing happened in the first place bc i was preoccupied with val & emma & didn't realize con had said "no" to the sippy in his conrad way. he gives very subtle clues, & i feel awful that i totally missed his attempts to communicate, especially since this is our first attempt to nap without a bottle & i don't want the absence of bottle to be a negative thing.

so i screwed up a little. everytime something like that happens, i promise myself i'll make it up to them & wonder if it's even possible to "make up" something like that. can i somehow "make up" the fact that i'm only one mom? that i make mistakes & misunderstand my own kids? probably not, but i do my best.


most of the time, i love having 3 babies, but it is impossible to give each child an equal amount of attention at all times. i just hope it evens out over the long run, but it hurts that i can't be my best mama-self to all 3 at once.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

thoughts on loss.

2 years later, & we're still experiencing fallout. i'm not sure it ever really stops. i think we'll be finding new ripples for years to come, & i just hope the pain lessens eventually. i FEEL healed, but there's always that sense of emptiness. like there's a hole, in the shape of our angel sons, punched through my heart.

N & i had a major heart to heart today on our family plans for the next 5 years. he's still scared of another miscarriage. apparently that is a leading reason behind his desire to get "fixed", as he puts it. i have to admit, i had no idea he still lived so much in the shadow of our losses. his fears seem to have more to do with what another loss would do to me, & it makes me sad to think how awful it must have been for him to watch a spouse ache, body & soul, & know there was nothing to be done to help the healing.
i can't help but yearn for a 4th. i feel incomplete somehow. unfinished. i feel like our family isn't whole yet. is it selfish of me to want a baby so badly? to risk my husband's feelings, as well as my own?

this is all only speculative, as any serious talk of #4 is a few years out yet. i can't help but wonder tho... could we all come through unscathed? we were so lucky with emma, would it happen again? would we have another terrifying pregnancy, like with the boys? is it worth the risk? my heart says YES!, but i suppose it's not just MY heart on the line.

Monday, September 13, 2010

stick a fork in me.

i'm done.
i need a break. it's been a week straight with just my kiddos & cell phone for company (as if i ever got time to talk on the phone-- HA!) & i am burnt out. N was actually home early enough to go to bed with me & em last night, & i know he was hoping for some attention once em was asleep, but i couldn't even hold a coherent conversation.
i am in desperate need of a few hours of solitude. i am also in desperate need of a few hours to REALLY clean my house. (it's so bad it makes me angry & sad just to look at it.)

N *might* be home this afternoon if court lets him go, & i know he'll try to send me out to "relax" for a bit. the thing is tho, as much as it's nice to leave the house, what i really want is a day (or barring that, a few hours) home ALONE. not with kids asleep some where in the house, but really truly alone. (it's like a dream-- just think how much i could get DONE, with no other humans making demands on me!)
sigh. i know it's not going to happen, bc em is still nursing & N won't be home long enough to take them all anywhere anyways, but a girl can dream right?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

vanity & hairbrushes

it occurred to me yesterday as i ran out the door to pick up onions (it was an emergency of sorts) that i hadn't looked in mirror all day, & was wearing torn yoga pants, a hoodie with a broken zipper & a ratty t-shirt announcing my particpation in the 2003 law school beer darts league. i haven't worn make-up in ages, & am honestly pretty happy in my jeans & t-shirt uniform (augmented by the occasional sweats or yoga pants). i'm oddly content in my appearance, or lack thereof. i no longer feel super pudgy (altho i'm still going to work on those last 10lbs) & i'm at peace with my stretch marks & big(ger) boobs.
i haven't brushed my hair in weeks. actually, it's been so many weeks that it's pry more like months. i do own a hairbrush, somewhere. it's just too much trouble to find it. i wash, air dry & finger comb, followed usually by a ponytail or knot of some kind. & my hair is actually the feature i'd say i'm most vain about. (altho you'd never guess based on how i wear it, i suppose.) i didn't even bother to break out a hair brush when we went out on a couple grown-ups-only nights in august.

the last time i went on a months-long anti-hairbrush anti-mirror campaign, i was 21 & living in italy, & in hindsight, it was probably the last time i was really happy & confident in myself. i'm not sure what the connection is for me between confidence & not brushing my hair, but it exists. i'll leave the psychology to some one else, & just say that i think i'm there again. i'm happy. really, genuinely, happy.
i may throw out that hairbrush.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

pictures of everyone but me

bc i'm always the photographer. but no one wants to see me anyways!! :)
here are some recent shots of the kiddos & my handsome baby-daddy. my dad made them the wooden duck, which they love but battle over since we only have one. the motorcycles were a 1st birthday gift that they're jsut now growing into, & those are val's first skinned knees-- didn't phase him at all! & the pic of em & N is just bc it's cute.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

superheros & snobs

are you ever taken aback when someone compliments your parenting? not that i think i'm a rotten mom, but i also don't think i do anything all that special. i love my kids & try to give them a safe, nuturing environment to grow up in. i like the chaos of lots of kiddos & i choose fun over strict all the time, but i have my cranky crazy moments just like every other mom.
i think it's a function of having so many babies all at once, but you end up hearing "i just don't know how you do it" all the time. "supermom" gets thrown around alot, as does "you really have your hands full, you're doing a great job" etc, etc. don't get me wrong, it's nice. especially on days when you haven't bathed in a week, & all of your kids are in varying stages of grumpy-neediness (as is their right, being babies & all.) & it is easy to get caught up in the "i have 3", or "i have 4" (or 2 or 5 or whatever) & therefore bc you have numbers on your side, you're somehow more of a mom, or faced with more challenges. to some extent it's true, just bc you have more people to physically & emotionally care for at all times. but is a mom of just one working any less hard to ensure that her own little one's needs are met?
the thing is, i just do what i have to do to keep everyone healthy, happy, & growing. you all do it for your singletons, & any of you could do it for more if you had to. & yeah, i'm guilty of the mom of multiples snobbery (i.e. "HA! you have ONE & you think it's hard? try my life for a day sister." i know i've said it before & i'll pry be guilty of it again.) but really, i think the nature of "mom" is just doing whatever you have to do to meet your kids' needs. "supermom" is subjective. just bc i have a few more babies all at once doesn't make me, or other moms of multiples, any more worthy of the title of supermom than a one baby at a time mom.
so today, i just wanted to say to all the one at at time moms (most of my blog reading buddies, i believe), bc you probably don't hear it as often as you should, that i think YOU are supermoms, & your beautiful babies are the proof.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

boring weight post

133! :)

let's all hear it for breastfeeding!!!