2 years later, & we're still experiencing fallout. i'm not sure it ever really stops. i think we'll be finding new ripples for years to come, & i just hope the pain lessens eventually. i FEEL healed, but there's always that sense of emptiness. like there's a hole, in the shape of our angel sons, punched through my heart.
N & i had a major heart to heart today on our family plans for the next 5 years. he's still scared of another miscarriage. apparently that is a leading reason behind his desire to get "fixed", as he puts it. i have to admit, i had no idea he still lived so much in the shadow of our losses. his fears seem to have more to do with what another loss would do to me, & it makes me sad to think how awful it must have been for him to watch a spouse ache, body & soul, & know there was nothing to be done to help the healing.
i can't help but yearn for a 4th. i feel incomplete somehow. unfinished. i feel like our family isn't whole yet. is it selfish of me to want a baby so badly? to risk my husband's feelings, as well as my own?
this is all only speculative, as any serious talk of #4 is a few years out yet. i can't help but wonder tho... could we all come through unscathed? we were so lucky with emma, would it happen again? would we have another terrifying pregnancy, like with the boys? is it worth the risk? my heart says YES!, but i suppose it's not just MY heart on the line.
Oh boy do I hear you on this one.....Sometimes you say things that I am thinking at that very moment...
ReplyDeleteSigh.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I think once you've been there, its too hard not to worry and think about it. It sucks and I hate it.
I think its so sweet that N expressed his emotions about it, though.
~hugs~ I understand, the ripples come wave after wave, day after day, and somehow while in some ways you are braced for it, they always seem to take you off guard, and leave in their wake that emptiness, the heartache.
ReplyDeleteAnd then the rest of your post, short answer, from my experience, and in my opinion.
Yes. If you are both on board, it is more then worth the risk, but I think you know that.
You two will know when you guys are ready to travel that path again.
AFter 4 losses, I still think it's worth the risk. It was Rick who said we couldnt try again with a new doc/protocol...if N gets on board, and you feel it so strong, I say yes its totally worth it. Em is just proof that you CAN do it without all the pain and fear, without it being a difficult pregnancy...
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I think Iiri's right. You'll know if/when you're ready.
ReplyDelete