Tuesday, May 31, 2011

it's not a baby, it's an elephant.

just kidding, it's a baby. how crazy is that 7 week bump though? i'm bigger than i was with the twins!
we had a cramping/spotting/suddenly disappearing symptoms scare this morning, so my doc squeezed me in for a quick u/s to make sure all was ok & we got a peek at baby #4. all is just fine, thank goodness, & i am feeling much relieved, so i thought i'd share this awful picture. (sorry for the took-it-myself-in-the-bathroom-mirror shot. i'm not generally a fan of those, but it's the best i could do this morning.)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

krispy kremes


N is working late (again), the kids are all asleep, I am watching the kind of tv N laughs at me for watching, digger the cat is asleep on my feet, & i have a whole bag of mini krispy kreme crullers to myself.

i so, so needed this after the week we've had. 800 errands, doctor's appointments, a wicked tantrum phase one of the toddlers is rolling through, and no more than 5 minutes at a time spent in the company of the only other adult who lives here, have made doughnuts a crucial part of my saturday night.

i love krispy kremes. yum.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

bittersweet birthdays

my baby girl is going to be one next tuesday. i loev first birthdays, but they're also kind of bittersweet for me. i love the baby stages, & it's hard to say good bye to those days, even though i know how much i'll love the toddler years.
we're having her birthday party sunday-- strictly a family affair, since her best friends are currently her brothers & the cats, we thought she'd be happiest with something simple at home. (i'm actually not a fan of crazy big parties for little ones. when they're old enough to start requesting what they'd like, then we'll start hosting bigger shin-digs. til then, family, pizza, cake, maybe a balloon or two. it's a good time, & plenty exciting for a baby!)

she is also almost weaned. i'm pry dragging my feet more than is neccessary in weaning her, since she will happily take a bottle & snuggles in lieu of nursing. & i know it would likely help the exhaustion i've been feeling if i wasn't trying to feed a baby at the same time i'm growing a baby, but i'll miss nursing her. she's growing so quickly, she talks all the time (mama, dada, bubba, kitty, ball, duck, quack, dog, bird, flower, bubble, night-night, bye-bye, hi, no, more, butterfly (fuh-fi), fan, & more i'm forgetting.), she can almost balance by herself & i know she'll be a real toddler in no time. which will also be awesome, i have no doubts.
i just don't want to give up her baby-hood quite yet.
i watch sister wives (love it! quilty pleasure- don't judge me!) & in an episode recently i watched as one of the moms tried to physically comfort her teenage daughter, who wanted none of it, & her mom just couldn't stop reaching out to stroke her hair, pat her shoulder, get in that one last squeeze. i could see my future there-- bc mom will always remember the time when her touch could make everything better, when baby's body was as much mom's as it was baby's.
since i can't stop time, (& wouldn't really want to), i'll have to get my snuggles & squeezes while i can, & cherish her baby moments while they last.

Monday, May 23, 2011

i gave in for the last time

& called my doc for zofran today. i don't know why i always think i can "tough it out". really, what purpose is served by me puking my guts out all morning while the kids zone out to sesame street bc mom is too sick to move? what higher purpose do i think i'm serving by succumbing to the horrors of morning sickness for weeks on end?
i made it through a week of sick before caving this time, & frankly i'm looking forward to the drugs.

in other news, i've been MIA bc i've been super sleepy. while i wish i wasn't tired & pukey, i keep reminding myself that this is the last time. somehow that makes it all more tolerable. being pregnant is a miracle & all that, but it's also pretty miserable (for me, at least.) this time however, i am going to endeavour to embrace the whole experience. the pukies, the sleepies, the bizzare pains, & even more bizzare food cravings (tabasco on salad or olives in coffee anyone? no?) the whole deal. it's the last time, & i am going to give myself free reign to ENJOY this, every miserable moment, every baby-kicking-high, every toilet-hugging-low. bc in the end, this too will pass, my body will be my own again, & the amazing, terrifying, exhilerating, exhausting miracle that is pregnancy will turn into the even more amazing, terrifying, exhilerating, exhausting miracle that is a brand new life.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

ok, here it goes....

i'm anxious about sharing this, here or anywhere, but in the interest of being able to talk about it here, i'm going to share. we're expecting #4, due sometime in january. N is thrilled, & i am cautiously excited. we only have a 50% track record with our pregnancies, & until i see a nice, healthy ultrasound i think i'm just going to be super nervous. i wasn't this anxious with emmie, so maybe i'm feeling stressed bc this will be our last? i don't know. i'm still in that "am i really pregnant?" stage, where you're both afraid to hope & afraid not to.
& yeah, the timing isn't perfect, but it never is really. i CAN say with certainty that i am looking forward to a house full of kids. we always wanted a big family, & i think 4 is the perfect number. i was surprised how quickly N got on board with #4, but he really is happy & excited & ready to tell the world. i, however, am not, so if you know me in another venue (i.e. face.book) please keep this under your hat until N & i choose to tell everyone. it would suck for family to hear the news via a stranger's comment on fb! (one of the downsides to everyone's favorite social network. i'm still on the fence about whether fb is a good thing. i suppose that's another post, though.)

anyways, that's my news. :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

a comedy of errors

i said i wouldn't be back here, but i have to revisit this just once more. i confronted N yesterday about thinking we needed marriage counseling. i told him i felt betrayed & hurt. i said that my faith in him was shaken & i was no longer certain he was the person i had always believed him to be. he looked shaken & confused, & when i explained further by saying that the cause of all this was the fact that he had hidden his feelings from me for 4 years while going behind my back to complain to his parents. at that point he stops me & says "no--wait... i only complained once, 2 weeks before i told you about it."
HUGE difference. we laughed & then we cried, & lord-- do i feel better. this had been toruring me all week & i had had such a hard time reconciling what i thought he had said with the person i have known & loved for 6 years. the world makes sense again, & while we still have to deal with the issues with his family & that WILL suck, but i am confident now that we will be facing those issues standing side by side.

this has been a lesson to me in making assumptions about statements. i really feel like we've been living in a shakespearean-style comedy of errors, where at the last moment fate intervenes & the heros don't end up killing eachother after all. *huge sigh of relief*

ah well-- all's well that end's well!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

quilts & the baby

2 layout options for emma's quilt, (i used leftover scraps. for some reason i had a bunch of little bits of pink & purple fabric laying around.) & the girl herself helping me set out the squares. she had such a fabulous time with the fabric i almost felt bad taking it away to sew.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

the end

i feel like i have to close out this little blogging chapter on a less awful note, although quite honestly i'm just sick of thinking about it. i tried to post some pisc of emma "helping" with her quilt but blogger won't let me at the moment, so i suppose i'll update on the crap family situation instead.
N owned up that part of the reason his family feel the way they do is bc he has vented to them about me, instead of coming to me with his concerns. he apologized, & when i pushed, was pretty specific about HOW he plans to start to change things. we talked about embracing the life we have, instead of mourning the life we *thought* we'd have. in a way, the whole thing has both confirmed & allayed my fears. i believe that he is sincere in his desire to change the way he handles his family & his role in our family, but i have some concerns about his ability to execute. my faith in him took some serious blows. foundations have shifted, & while i love him as much as ever, until i see those changes being made some amount of doubt could remain. it's jarring to learn that the person i thought was living his life with me as openly & honestly as i've lived mine with him, was not, in fact, doing any such thing. i'm not talking about huge lies & betrayals here, just masking his true feelings about a single issue. (lest anyone think it was something huge & sordid, allow me to put those thoughts at rest & say it involved hunting land & school loans. period.)
on the plus side, i am relieved that he's finally stopped concealing his real fears & feelings from me & i hope that this has been freeing for him, & that it will all serve as a means to improve our relationship, as well as his challenging (to say the least!) relationship with his parents.

& now i'm done with this. next time, pictures & cute kids.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

one more thing...

as an adendum to yesterday's post, i want to add that N has really been struggling with the situation. his parents are estranged from his sisters following similar situations, so he knows what the consequences likely are for taking a stand, & as he pointed out to me, no matter who they are or how they act, they are the only parents he has & he still loves them. i get that, & i appreciate how difficult this is for him. that said, it sucks for me too, for all the reasons i described yesterday. & for me, at least, it is time to draw some boundaries & insist that they be enforced. i just hope that when the sh*t hits the fan, he chooses to stand with me & the kids.

Monday, May 9, 2011

something's got to give

I feel like something is on the verge of breaking between N & i, & i don't know how to stop it. his family has never particularly warmed to me, and something happened this weekend that made N decide to finally open up to me about how they really feel. in his words, his dad thinks that N "has made his bed & now must lie in it," & his stepmom spends her time alone with N using her passive agressive wiles to persuade him that i've isolated him from his family, that i'm using him, that i take advantage of him, etc, etc. it's one thing to THINK some one doesn't like you, & it's something else entirely to be told that your suspisions are true.
compunding the situation is that fact that N never sticks up for me. he won't defend me, for fear that taking a stand will break the last tenuous string holding him to his father. i, however, am at my breaking point with this. they insult me, they swear, they drink, they use racial slurs, & in my mind, N is complicit in all of this through his continued silence.
N actually wants me & our kids to spend MORE time with them. in describng my reluctance to do that, i tried to explain how isolated & abused i feel when we're there. i can't protect myself, & more importantly, i can't protect my children, bc no one listens to a word i say, & without N, i stand alone-- not part of the family, & completely unsupported.
i hate watching my strong, loving husband turn into an angry & fearful adolescent the minute his parents enter the picture. after our discussion thsi weekend, N claims he is going to "handle it", but i am still anxious & fearful over the toll this is taking on our family & our relationship.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


i am sewing a pink quilt for emmie. it started as a purple quilt. i pieced the entire top in purples, then made the backing (i don't like plain backing, so i at least put a border on my quilt backs) & realized after sewing a cheery pink border on the back than em needed a pink quilt. so the purple top is on hold, while i put together something happy & pink.

pink is also currently conrad's favorite color. if i could find some pink trucks, the kid would be in toddler heaven. we have a pink plastic bucket i got the kids for their easter egg hunt & he carries it around & fills it with his favorite treasures (various puzzle pieces, dinosaurs, blocks & stickers). i'm fairly certain he's going to try to steal em's blankie when it's finally done, so hopefully she'll feel like sharing.

i think i've mentioned before my reluctance to dive into all things pink, but we're diving in head first of late, & i think i like it!

Monday, May 2, 2011

speech, food & guilt

i've mentioned before i think, that both boys need speech therapy & conrad is likely going to need OT for his eating issues as well. i'm looking forward to getting things set up after conrad's evaluations this week so we can get the ball rolling. i realized this morning however, after a talk with my mom & reading a few baby-brag blogs, (not that there's anything wrong with bragging on your kid), that i am a bit sensitive that people will think my kids are "slow" bc of their delays.
they aren't, they are super clever & resourceful little dudes. the therapists tell me that being a bit early & being twins (why speak english when you can "speak" with your brother?) is likely the whole cause of the speech delay, but i still feel a sense of guilt over it. like i could have/should have done more. read more, talked more, sang more. emma at 11 mos can say "kitty", "mama", "baby", & "nightnight", & i haven't done a darn thing different with her, so i KNOW in my rational mind that the therapists are right. however, the mommy guilt remains.

i also know that my conrad's food aversions are probably related by the horrible 20 mos we spent fighting GERD, & constant vomitting after every meal. if eating made me hurt, i'd avoid most foods too.
oh yeah, & then there was the recently discovered allergy to all things sesame. which is in EVERYTHING, by the way, including all processed meats (like hot dogs), cheerios, children's vitamins, & almost everything that says "whole grain". fortunately we found the allergy before it put him into anaphalactic shock, but getting itchy & wheezy after meals pry didn't help the food situation either. sigh. should i mention i also feel horrible about subjecting him to meals he couldn't eat? yeah....