Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

The boys, all dressed up! (Conrad is the pumpkin, Val is the skeleton.) I might have already posted these somewhere, but it's halloween so i'm putting them up again!

They're very into toes right now-- their own, & their brother's.
They don't always like to share toes though. Pretty much the whole time I was taking pictures, all Val wanted to do was lay on Conrad & play with his brother's toes. When Con tried to lay on him, however, THIS is what happened.

Con was much more tolerant of sharing toes :)

Friday, October 30, 2009

Kobe & Candy

we did indeed get to go out for our anniversary/N's birthday dinner last night & it was delicious! we went to a super fancy steak house (the kind of place where you have separate waiters for water & drinks & your meal & to bus... it was like havinga small army wait on our us!) anyways, it was REALLY nice. we needed those 2 hrs to ourselves. bad.

both N & i are kind of foodies, but since i left chicago & the big money, we don't get to eat out like we used to & this was really a treat. we had kobe beef for the 1st time, & while i never previously really understood the fuss, HOLY CRAP, do i get it now! it was simply the most delicious thing i have ever tasted. if you aren't familiar with kobe, it's this fancy japanese beef, they're "special" cows, who get massages & lots of beer & a special diet, operating on the theory that a happy cow is a tasty cow. & man, those were some happy cows! it actually melted it your mouth. YUM!

the night didn't end exactly as i'd hoped, since i fell asleep waiting for N to get off the phone with his folks, but it was nice none-the-less. sometimes you just need a reminder that you're a grown-up, with grown-up tastes. today, however, i'm back to hanging with my babies & snacking on baby food :)

the boys are in the midst of dropping off to lala land, & N is out hunting bambi's dad, so for the moment it's just me. (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

& i've cracked into our halloween candy. i always buy good candy, in case we get stuck with leftovers, & this year the kids are in danger of not having any chocolate left by tomorrow night. :)

oh, & i've been wearing maternity pants. sigh. the bella band still works right now too, but since i can't even zip my jeans a little bit, i have to be extra careful with it or i put on an inadvertant show. i can't believe i'm in maternity clothes at 8(ish) weeks with a singleton. yeah, it's technically my 4th pregnancy (only the boys went to term), but GEEZ. N pointed out to me last night that i've reached the "gee, she looks like she might be pregnant, but i better not congratulate her in case she's just fat" stage. isn't my hubby a sweetie? :P sigh.... i need to start taking belly pics, although i was anticipating this belly being so much smaller than the twin belly. that may not be the case in fact tho. i'm either growing a monster or plain old getting fat. which is what it is- i'll lose it eventually.
i just want to hold out another 4 or 5 weeks to break the news & face the storm. why do people have to be so judgy? oh well, i'm going to go have an almond joy. or maybe a cupcake. :)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Bad Names, Good Laughs

I just read that tito ortiz & jenna jameson named their twins boys "jesse jameson" & "journey jett" (after the bands).

seriously. N & i have been cracking up. what are they thinking? granted, i think being named after your mom's porn name & the band jett would be pretty bad even if they were singletons, but it made us start re-hashing all the awful twin names we've heard. it's like people go a little nuts (or stupid) when they find out they're having 2 & try to name them as a "set", (just come up with really awful names). allow me to provide some examples from our own personal experience.

from a set of twins in the NICU with the dudes (boys) : cash & change

twins girls (told to us by the NICU nurses, although we did not meet them): boy & man (yup, they were girls. apparently the mom wanted boys.)

twins boys: tyrod (pronounced tie-rod, as in the car part) & axel

identical twin girls i once knew: elise & elisa (in & of themselves the names are fine, but come one, they're already identical!)

i realize naming your kids is pretty personal, & most people put alot of thought into it. i just think sometimes people get a little carried away. afterall, the kids have to live with these names for the rest of their lives (or until they're old enough to change them. & if i were named man, i'd be counting the days!!)

any ridiculous names, twin or otherwise, that you guys have to share?


Val is doing better. we're doing the breathing treatments & steroids thru the end of the week, but he seems to be on the mend!
i hate watching him not being able to get his breath. i don't know that there's much scarier than watching your child struggle to breathe. my little brother had terrible asthma as a child, & the nebulizer brings back all kinds of awful memories of R being rushed to the hospital not able to breathe bc his airways just closed up. sigh... all i can do is hope that we aren't headed the same route, & be thankful that our little dude is breathing easier.

in other news, we got our proofs from the boys photo shoot this morning!! they came out soooooo cute :) we're placing an order ASAP so we can get our prints in time for christmas presents for the granparents. (our photographer is a one woman operation & does everything old school, 35mil film, by hand, so it takes a while, but they come out absolutely amazing-- well worth the wait!) i'll post pics when i get a chance. :)

at the doc's office this morning, they basically put the fear of God in me about getting the H1N1 shot for the boys now.... i think i'll have to stake out some clinics next week in hopes of getting it for them. with N coming into contact with so much of the public, & val having breathing issues, they pretty much told me to do whatever i could to get it for them, since they have no idea when they'll have it at the pedi's office 9the county public health dept is in charge of distributing, & if you ask me, they're doing a really crap job.) where we live they're even rationing the seasonal vaccine (which thankfully the boys DO qualify for, so we're getting it nov.14, the earliest they offer it.) this just sucks. apparently the only reason i was able to get it is bc pregnant women are considered super high risk, so they got the vaccines out to the hospital OBs. i just wish i could find it for my guys. we've had enough sicky scares the past couple weeks to last this flu season.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

at least its not flu...

so val has asthmatic bronchitis. which means he has bronchitis + asthma symptoms, so his airways are closing up, explaining the wheezing & coughing. (he's coughing so hard he's puking.)

so we now have an at home nebulizer, & the kid is getting around the clock breathing treatments every 4 hrs until tomorrow morning, when we go back into the doc. please keep your fingers crossed that it's not getting any worse, & this isn't real asthma, just a very nasty case of bronchitis. my poor baby.....

Monday, October 26, 2009

back to the doctor....

val is still puking, & his cough has turned into a really nasty, near constant bark, so in we go.

N & i still have plans for our anniversary dinner tonight, with gram babysitting, so we'll see what the doc has to say.

thsi is a really boring post, isn't it? i'll try to be more interesting later...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

questions about baby appetites?

its 11am, we've been awake for 4 hrs & we've already played with all our favorite toys, had a snack & a bottle, & taken a nap. now, bc both dudes are cutting a new tooth (they seem to think they have to do everything at the same time), we are chewing furiously on our froggies. (conrad has a wooden frog he likes to rub against his gums, & val has a weird round circular frog-thing that squeeks when they bite it. good times.)

a question: when the dudes were super pukey, we weren't giving them any solids (obviously). they aren't totally themselves, they're still coughing & full of boogers, so their appetites aren't totally back yet, but they seem alot less interested in solids now. conrad especially. sound normal? it seems odd to me, since they so love to eat, but it's also the first time they've been really sick, so maybe this is just par for the course & i don't know it yet. they are eating less overall now too, so maybe it is just that they're still sick. thoughts?

EDIT: nevermind. we are clearly still sick. val just had a major "puke on my brother" episode, & while giving them both baths, con just ralphed up a bunch of snot. its the first time they've barfed in a couple days, but i'm pretty sure this explains the lack of appetite. still, if you guys have any thoughts, feel free to weigh in. just thought i'd update.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Naps & Snacks

since the boys have been sickies all week, they've also been spoiled rotten. :) i don't mind in the least, when they feel crappy, i want them to know we're here to make them feel better. now that they're feeling better however, they little dudes have to re-learn how to entertain themselves & boy is it fun. actually it's not bad, but it has set us back in the napping department. my new plan is, (since they nap fine in their swings), to move the swings into the bedroom & have them nap in the swings in the bedroom. genius, right? my theory is that they'll get used to sleeping in the bedroom & i can then transition them to their cribs. we'll see how it works.... it took them a while to fall asleep today, but they are both now napping. in their swings. in the bedroom.

in other news, i am eating pretty much constantly to stave off morning sickness. zofran makes me dizzy & headachey, & phenergan knocks me out cold, so i'm only taking them in emergencies, which means i eat. & eat. & eat. it's a little ridiculous. & of course it's not healthy carrot sticks & salads that keep the puking at bay, it's cupcakes & apple pie & anything pickled. (& lately, pistachios.) with the boys, i gained over 90lbs. (granted, 20 of it was in the last week of the pregnancy when i had preeclampsia & swelled up like a grotesque balloon, but still... it's alot of weight.) i only got back down to 120 before i got KU this time, & i'm a little worried i'm going to end up weighing 200lbs again. sigh.

i'm not trying NOT to gain weight, since that's not healthy for the peanut, but i'd like to gain a normal amount this time, since this is a singleton & i won't need to double my body weight. (ok, i didn't really need to double last time, but they did want me to gain at least 70 lbs. which i was doing, until the pre-e hit.) of course, i also can't NOT eat, bc then i'll be too pukey to function. my hope is that when the pukiness abates i can go back to eating like a normal person.

Friday, October 23, 2009

happy halloween!

we were going to take the boys out to the "zoo boo" at the toledo zoo, but its rainy & the boys are still sickies, so instead we just dressed them up today & decided to carve our pumpkins this afternoon. i tried to get some pics of them sitting up with the pumpkins, but val mostly just wanted to lay on con & play with his brother's toes. so here they are, with our 50lb pumpkins (N likes them BIG), being cute.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


boys are both sleeping & i am hoping they both take big long naps, since they're both sickies. poor dudes. of course, they're in their swings, not their cribs, but i'm also too sick to care & really i just want them to rest. we all had a rough couple of nights.

i did keep my doc appt yesterday, & for the record, the new baby is doing fine. hb was 126 bpm (yay!) & we were measuring 6w5d, which is only a week ahead of last time, but doc said not to worry. the rate of growth is good, & its just so hard to get a really accurate measurement when they're that small, probably all it means is that we aren't as far along as we thought. so another appt in 2 weeks & we should (finally) be able to date this pg & get an EDD.

dang it. conrad's awake.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

a glimpse into life as a cop's wife

Maybe once a week, N comes home & when i ask him how his day went, he'll answer "i had a foot chase/car chase/fight today." Bc he loves this stuff, i always smile & say "wow, how cool! tell me what happened!" & he launches into a detailed description of his exploits.

some background about where we live: ypsi is a blue-collar, lower to lower middle class kind of town. we have some nice neighborhoods & areas & probably more than our share of trailor parks & mini-ghettos. some of the scarier parts of town are in what is known locally as "the willow", probably bc of its proximity to the old Ford's plant at willow run. anyways, parts of the willow are nearly completely black. (now before anyone gets up on their racial high-horse, being black has nothing to do with living in the willow or being poor or anything else. N & i also live in a mostly black neighborhood & we really like it here. it just happens to be a fact that the world is not totally integrated. racism still extsts & it exists in ypsi just like anywhere else. sucky, but true.) the willow, especially the black areas of the willow, are notoriously anti-cop, & not entirely without reason. last summer there was a really ugly incident where an african-american man in custody of the local sherriff dept died in the street, allegedly as a result of mistreatment. now, N & the state police had nothing to do with the incident, but bc they are cops, the anti-police attitude affects them as well.

so a couple days ago, N comes home & says he had a foot chase & fight. i ask how it went, here's what he tells me: he was making a traffic stop for bad plates in the willow. the man pulls into a driveway where lots of guys are milling around & tries to pretend like he doesn't know N was tailing him or talking to him. some dialog ensues, & the man gets beliegerant & refuses to follow N to his cruiser, & ultimately takes off on foot. N is pretty quick, so he catches the guy going over a fence & a fight follows. Now, N is a big guy-- 6'3", 200lbs & this man is maybe 5'9" & 160, but N can't control him. he can neutralize the man, but the guy has apparently had fight training, so he's manuevering out of N's holds. They scrap for about 5 minutes, N takes a few hits & finally pins the guy without resorting to his club or mace. he tells me its the 1st time he's ever not been able to totally handle a guy in a fight. (i believe him. i've seen him take down guys with a good 50lbs on him.) Now the general law is that police can stay one step ahead of their attacker. so once the man hit N, N cold have resorted to his weapons using non-deadly force. he chose not to, in part bc he was a white cop alone in a black neighborhood, fighting in the midst of a pretty large group of men, several of whom he's arrested in the past.

at this point in the story, i break with my usual role of confident wife, convinced of her husband's superior abilities, to stop N & say what the hell were you thinking? why didn't you use your club? you have a family to come home to, etc. he points out that it all turned out ok, & several of the guys in the background were actually telling the man to give up, that N was a good cop & he'd be treated fairly. i sigh, thinking, yeah but what if it hadn't turned out that way? & remind myself that i have to trust N's judgement on this stuff & that this is all part of being married to N.

i don't know why i'm relating this story, other than the fact that for the first time in a long time, i was afraid for N while he was telling it to me. generally, i don't let fear for him be a part of our lives. this is his chosen profession, he loves it, & he can't be effective at it if he's worried bc his wife is scared all the time, & i don't want our kids raised in a climate of fear. so it's not that i'm callous or willfully blind to the dangers he faces, i just chose to exist in a world where my husband will come home every night. every so often tho, the worries i hide seep through the cracks.

as an aside-- the man turned out to be high on all kinds of stuff, which is probably why he was so difficult to control.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

hog heaven

& i definetly made the world's best apple pie today. yum.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Oink Oink

ok, so i *might* have eaten 9 of the 12 donuts we got at the orchard when we went pumpkin picking.
& i *might* have made a blueberry crisp tonight bc the donuts are gone. but blueberries are good for you, right?

For the Captain's Wife & RocketQueen & other interested parties

Ok ladies, i'm getting ready to finish & send out your "crafts" from august (remember this post?) so i need addresses! (i think i have karianne's, but i know i have no addresses in china, so i need that one!) you can email them to kadrounieATgmailDOTcom. & no fuss about postage, it's my treat.

last chance for anyone else who wants a little something made just for you from my corner of the world, comment now or forever hold your peace! (1st 3 only!)


Thursday, October 15, 2009

I'm too grumpy to think of a good title....

today is a wrong side of the bed kind of day for me. i woke up cranky at 530 with conrad, & cant seem to shake the funk. i'm sure its somehow pregnancy related. ugh.
the dudes also seem to be picking up on my crankiness, despite my best efforts to keep a smile on for them. double ugh.

we're still having nap battles... con man will fuss & turn into the world'd grumpiest little man unless i rub his tummy til he falls asleep, & val has been having hysterics unless i rock him to sleep. this is a step backwards from where we'd been, but i do NOT buy into the "cry it out" philosophy. they are perfectly capable of going to sleep without my help (& they've done it before... i'm sure they'll do it again at some point) so i'm guessing they just aren't quite ready yet for whatever reason. i don't want to rush them into anything they aren't ready for, but i'm starting to feel pressure from the pending 3rd kid. the boys still get up once or twice a night for a bottle, which i don't mind-- they're hungry. but i don't know how i'm going to take care of 3 babies getting up at night, or 3 babies not wanting to nap despite being so tired their little eyes are watering. (yeah, i know moms of triplets do it. i am in constant awe of them, but that doesn't change the fact that i don't know how i am going to do it.)
i guess there's nothing to do but let them all proceed at their own pace, which is really what i'd prefer to do anyways, & just trust that somehow things will all work out. they always seem to, so i'm hanging on to that.

in other news, i managed to fall down the stairs twice yesterday. awesome. i did not call my doc, as i haven't had any spotting, & other than being sore from falling, i have no unusual aches & pains. i don't want anything to happen to this baby, but i just can't get excited about it. with the boys, i was so involved with every detail of their development, & now i can't help feeling like this kid is a total interloper. i was really looking forward to a few years of time with my boys, & now it's my boys + one. i know, the best laid plans of mice & men, etc, etc.... i need to just get my head around the fact that we're having 3, & get on board with the new program. maybe all the early u/s will help... it's not that i'm angry at this baby, more that i'm frustrated with myself for not being the mom i think i should be, both to this pending kid & to the boys.

isn't guilt great? sigh....

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

testing... (& some pics, just for fun)

my first link! as requested, it goes to MrsCaptain. & i'll happily pimp her blog while i'm linking-- if you don't read it, you should. baby K is pretty much the most adorable little girl on the east coast, & her mom takes a totally cool, laid back approach to parenting that i personally find really refreshing, especially given all our paranoia over vaccinations, & sleeping, & peannut butter, & babyhood generally. so go read, & tell her i sent you! :)

i feel totally silly now for not figuring out how to link eons ago. whatever. thanks karianne!!! :)

& now for some gratuitous baby pics, since i'm posting twice in a day, i might as well have fun doing it!
here's the dudes getting down & dirty with their mesh feeders. sippy cups are mostly for throwing & banging on things right now, but boy, do they love their "sloppies" (aka the mesh feeders, N christened them sloppies after their 1st use!)Val, chillin like a big boy with daddy. (please ignore the mountains of baby-related mess visible in the background. thanks!)& my conrad, who has figured out that you can drink out of a sippy, but prefers to have it held for him while drinking. (although he is perfectly happy to hold it himself when he wants to bang it on things. go figure!)

Over the Top? Really?

the lovely Iiri & beautiful Kim (i think... did you mean me, kim? i'm pretending like you did!) nominated me for this lovely award (my 1st) thanks guys! so here goes:

You can only use 1 word.
Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
Alert them you have given them the award.
Have fun!

1. where is your cell phone? table
2. your hair? up
3.your mother? hero
4. your father? trying
5.your favorite food? dolma
6. your dream last night? weird
7. favorite drink? martini
8. your dream/goal? attainable
9. what room are you in? family
10. your hobby? painting
11. your fear? blindness
12. where do you want to be in 6 years? content
13.where were you last night? bed
14. something that you aren't? awake
15. muffins? blueberry
16. wish list item? videocamera
17.where did you grow up? ypsi
18.last thing you did? bottles
19. what are you wearing? pj's
20. your tv? natgeo
21. your pets? messy
22. friends? welcome
23. your life? hectic
24. your mood? HUNGRY
25. missing someone? sarah
26. vehicle? hooptie!
27. something you're not wearing? socks
28. your favorite store? borders
29. your favorite color? green
30. when was the last time you laughed? today
31. last time you cried? saturday
32. your best friend? M
33. one place i go over & over? meijers
34. one person who emails me regularly? grandpa
35. favorite place to eat? pita-pita (its hyphenated! if iiri can do it, so can i!!)

I'm going to break the rules here, & just say that if you read my blog, you're nominated-- i love you all, & couldn't pick! (plus, i don't know how to do that cool name-link thing. does anyone want to tell me how? i'll be grateful forever!!)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

so tired....

i can barely function. i'm making myself stay awake long enough to eat, & i fully plan to be in bed by 7 tonight. stupid morning sickness & stupid phener.gen... i'm taking it over zo.fran in hopes of avoiding the killer headaches & constipation (sorry TMI) that zofran gives me. i was so sick with the dudes last time that headaches was the lesser of 2 evils, but the phener.gan is working so far with this one, other than making me dead on my feet. or maybe thats just the pregnancy. lord, i'm tired.

Monday, October 12, 2009

my thoughts, itemized

item 1: i am not crazy, or brave, or stupid, or a glutton for punishment. sometimes birth control fails, folks. we're making the best of the hand we were dealt. & after all we went through to have the dudes, if this is a child we are meant to have, who am i to question it?
item 2: we had a fantastic time in chicago. it was one of those super fun weddings where everyone dances & the food is great & the booze prolific. (no, i wasn't drinking--calm down!) i even got to spend an unexpected amount of time with the bride & groom, who are 2 of my favorite people in the world. all in all, it was awesome.

item 3: the chicago marathon is HUGE. our hotel room faced the starting line & it took at least a half hour for everyone to cross.

item 4: the bride stole a few ideas i came up with for our wedding, which i loved. i think its such a great compliment when someone likes some quirky thing you did enough to replicate it on one of the most important days of her life. maybe it would have annoyed some folks, but i was totally tickled.

item 5: as nice as it was to have a night to ourselves, i missed my boys more than i can say. i was so excited to see them yesterday, i had N flooring it all the way home. i missed my cuddles so much, i even let the con man take a nap in my arms, which we haven't done in ages. i just couldn't seem to put him down. :)

item 6: the morning sickness is setting in. so yes, i finally feel pregnant. my doc called in some zofran & phenergan for me this morning & i will be picking them up ASAP. i just cant be this sick with the boys to care for. its not their fault we're KU, & i owe them better than a droopy, barfing mom.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Doctor Update

Well, i was wrong about my betas, they were 53 & 187! so pretty decent. :)

we have a SINGLE interuterine gestational sac. (i love my twins, but 2 sets this close together might have killed me!) we're measuring a bit over 5 weeks, so it's pretty early. the doc thought he might see a little flicker of a hb, but its really too early to be sure, so we have a repeat u/s scheduled for the 19th, & will be keeping fingers crossed til then. it's still too early to really accurately date it, but it looks like our EDD will be sometime in June.

We leave tomorrow morning for chicago... i'm really sad about leaving my babies. i know my folks will take fantastic care of them, but it's so hard on me to be apart from them. i didn't think it would be this hard to leave. i know N & i need alone time & i am looking forward to that & this wedding should be a blast, but i'm going to miss my boys SO MUCH. :(

Thursday, October 8, 2009

i forgot to mention...

val is turning into a devoted tummy sleeper. i promised myself that when they were old enough to roll onto their bellies & back & choose how they sleep that i wouldn't freak out if they chose to sleep on their tummies. con for sure prefers his back (arms over his head, legs straight out), but val likes his tummy. so far so good-- no freak out by mom, but daddy has had a few. the NICU folks really put the fear of God into us over SIDS. which is good, bc we've been very cautious about sleep habits, but it makes the time when they are old enough to control how they want to sleep kind of nerve racking. of course, we always put them down on their backs, but what can i say? the guy likes his tummy.

I LOVE my blender & other news

i do. it's awesome. i insisted N get me a new fancy one that was also a food processor, & i love it. it rocks. i make most of the dudes' baby food (except carrots & beets & spinach. something about nitrites (nitrates?) in the soil that is bad for babies. apparently Ger.ber picks carrots, etc. without it. ) anyways-- our old blender really hated peas & refused to blend them, & this one makes a beautiful pea puree. sometimes it's the little things in life that make you happiest. :)

i have to share a moment of triumph here too-- BOTH boys are napping peacefully in their CRIBS right now! woo-hoo!!!! i'm so excited about this, i can't even describe it. who knows how long it will last, but it's a definite step in the right direction.

i also had my first "i really must be pregnant" moment yesterday. i was driving back from the library, flipping radio channels & when a cheesy country song came on, not only did i listen to it, i bawled my eyes out. yup, i'm definetly KU. :P

i'll try to think up a more pithy post next time... i'm feeling sort of brain dead & chill lately.

p.s. if anyone who wants to start thinking healthy baby thoughts for our appt tomorrow, we'd be grateful!!!! nerves still haven't set in yet, but they're lurking in the background. thank goodness i'm busy.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


so the boys both have croup... good times! :P

they're trying really hard to be their usual cheery selves, but they just don't feel very good. N is home with them now while i try to finish up my homework for the week since we're going down to chicago this weekend, so hopefully they'll take good naps for him. we're working on transitioning them to sleeping in their cribs for naps instead of in their swings. so far we're having mixed results, but they've never been good nappers anyways.

i am totally exhasuted & so not inspired to do this stupid homework.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

i just don't feel pregnant

i posted a similar comment on a board & got alot of well meaning "don't you worry, symptoms don't kick in til 6 weeks" responses, which is nice, but not what i meant. what i meant was that i feel like maybe if i had some physical symptoms, i'd start believing that we're actually expecting our 3rd kid.

i wasn't supposed to be pregnant right now, & i just don't feel it. i don't *think* i'm pregnant. i know that sounds stupid, but you know how when you first saw that BFP, you got all excited & just *knew*? You had all this fear & anxiety & joy? I am just not feeling it. I feel anxious that i might have 3 kids under 2, but more as a theoretical concept, not as a reality. when i saw the 1st positive lines i convinced myself they were evaporation lines. of course that only lasted a day, since it's hard to deny lots of + lines over several days, but that initial sense of denial still hasn't quite left me.

i know i'm acting like a total jerk for feeling anything but overjoyed when there are so many people struggling to get pregnant, & i'm sorry for that. i'm just stuck in a state of suspended animation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. i know i have a dr appt friday, & maybe that will make it sink in.

in admitting all this, please don't think that we don't want this child, or that i'm angry. that's not at all what i mean. i'm just waiting for it all to sink in & become reality instead of the bizzarre, surreal experience that i'm feeling right now.

Monday, October 5, 2009


My kids love food. eating=fun in our house. (they are truly their father's boys!) anyways, here's some shots of the dudes enjoying their grub.

We're very into teething biscuits at the moment. Their approaches to eating them are totally different & they pretty much crack me up every time. Conrad dives in with gusto-- he turns the cookie around & around so that it's slimey all over, rubs it all over his face, & ends up with cookie in his ears, his hair, his eyebrows-- everywhere!
Val sucks on only one end of the cookie, & will only work that one end. he won't hold onto the slimey side, & if it falls, he insists that you hand him the dry end. And, as you can see, his face is clean as it can be when you're a baby eating a teething cookie.

When it comes to real grub however, the dude practically bathes in it. Here's Val covered in carrots. he likes to feed himself (i.e. knaw on a spoon he holds himself that is covered in food) so we end up with food on everything that's not covered by a bib.

& here's me & Conrad, who looooves his peas. Not only does he have peas up to his eyebrows in the picture, but he insisted on sucking all the peas off his fingers-- i guess they were too good to waste!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Stealing Joy

So about this pregnancy... (geez, i feel weird writing that!)... it was completely unplanned, & i feel so guilty about that. it's not that we don't want it, of course now that we know, we want it & we'll do everything we can to keep it. we just hadn't planned on this, at least not this soon. i feel kind of like i "stole" some one's BFP... like i'm not deserving or something since we were actually trying to prevent a pregnancy when it happened. i feel like somehow i cheated some one out of their slice of happiness... i remember how frsutrated & bummed out i would feel when some one not trying got a "surprise"BFP, & now here we are with our own surprise BFP when we were actively preventing, & i feel like a jerk...
i don't mean in writing any of this that we aren't happy or that we don't want this baby. we are, & we do. i just feel like i got caught using crib notes to get an A, when everyone else had to work for their grade....

our 1st doc appointment is friday. since i'm not certain when my last cycle started & i've been so irregular, they decided to get us in to date it (& make sure all is going smoothly, given our history.) i'm feeling mostly calm, with moments of nervousness. i'm sure those moments will just increase til we get in to the doc.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


i just heard that a friend of ours had a stroke at noon today, caused by a blood clot on his brain. he's only 30... he's paralyzed on the left side now... that's all they know right now. i'm in shock. it's some one we rarely see any more, since we despise his wife, but he is one of the nicest people i've ever met. he seems too young for anything like this to happen....

Guess This Explains Why I've Been So Tired...

1st beta: 53
2nd beta: 167 SURPRISE! still trying to wrap my head around this... will post more when i'm coherent...

please, if you "know" me in any venue other than this (i.e. facebook, twitter, real life, whatever) do NOT mention this anywhere but here. It's very early, we don't have the best track record & i don't want the world to know yet.

(later same day edit) it occurred to me that i should answer some basic questions here, even if i'm not ready to "talk" yet.... no, we weren't trying... yes, i was on the pill (well, the mini-pill)... yes, we're totally shocked... yes, of course we're worried, our history with pregnancies sucks... & yes, we ARE cautiously happy.