thoughts on loss.

2 years later, & we're still experiencing fallout. i'm not sure it ever really stops. i think we'll be finding new ripples for years to come, & i just hope the pain lessens eventually. i FEEL healed, but there's always that sense of emptiness. like there's a hole, in the shape of our angel sons, punched through my heart.

N & i had a major heart to heart today on our family plans for the next 5 years. he's still scared of another miscarriage. apparently that is a leading reason behind his desire to get "fixed", as he puts it. i have to admit, i had no idea he still lived so much in the shadow of our losses. his fears seem to have more to do with what another loss would do to me, & it makes me sad to think how awful it must have been for him to watch a spouse ache, body & soul, & know there was nothing to be done to help the healing.
i can't help but yearn for a 4th. i feel incomplete somehow. unfinished. i feel like our family isn't whole yet. is it selfish of me to want a baby so badly? to risk my husband's feelings, as well as my own?

this is all only speculative, as any serious talk of #4 is a few years out yet. i can't help but wonder tho... could we all come through unscathed? we were so lucky with emma, would it happen again? would we have another terrifying pregnancy, like with the boys? is it worth the risk? my heart says YES!, but i suppose it's not just MY heart on the line.

updates on the rest of life

GERD: it's back. not that it ever really left. but conrad is puking again, pretty regularly. his usual M.O. after a medicine switch is to be fine for a while, then progressively get worse & worse. i'm afraid we're on the downward slope again & i am very scared for him. i know if we can't get this under control it's striaght back to the surgeon & this is NOT a surgery that he could bounce back from quickly. i'm going to track everything that passes his lips & see if we can i.d. some triggers (no luck so far) & have cut out all fat from his evening meal & snack. i don't want to omit the high fat diet entirely, since if he starts losing weight again, or even not gaining, we're still headed back to the surgeon. healthy baby vibes are much needed & appreciated, if anyone has some to spare!

walking: conrad FINALLY took his first unassisted steps yesterday. i knew that when he started, it would be when he was certain he could do it all on his own & sure enough-- that's what happened. he'll only take a few at a time, bc he refuses to allow himself to fall, so he gracefully sinks to his knees when he knows he's losing it (unlike val, who just falls on his face & keeps on trucking). but he's walking & we're all so thrilled, especially his brother, who follows him around clapping-- it's super cute & conrad loves it. :)

3: is a stubborn child. i have been having steady & seriously uncomfortable contractions for several days now, but it's not "real" labor (altho it really feels like the early labor i had with the dudes) so other than being really annoying there's nothing new on that front. c-sec is still scheduled for the 1st (next tuesday) & i'm sure this little booger will just stay camped out until the 11th hour. whatever. baby will come when baby will come & in the meantime i'm just trying to stay busy & occupied so i don't dwell on how freaking uncomfortable i am. which is much easier to do when i'm not puking (thanks zo.fran!)

minivans: we're going hunting today. hopefully we'll find something decent & can bring it home. it's not crucial to have before 3 gets here, but it would be much easier to get done while dealing with only 2 kids instead of 3.

apologies: for the dull updates, but sometimes that's life!

a new perspective

after a fairly sleepless & cranky night (on my part, not the guys-- they slept from 730pm til 8am!!) i woke up in a surprisingly cheerful mood, & decided to spend the morning outside with my goobers. amazing the change a little sunshine can bring.

i'm still all contract-y & uncomfortable, but i have decided all the minor chaos going on with my uterus lately is just some kind of annoying pre-labor & not a lead up to the real thing. (or its a loooong lead up, since obviously labor at some point becomes inevitable.) that said, my new prediction is that 3 will stay put until the 1st & our scheduled birthday, albiet with lots of contractions & backaches & other fun (i.e. miesrable) activities in the meantime. so since i'm going to be pregnant for another 11 days, (i'm not counting the 1st itself, since that's b-day), i might as well make the best of it.

so i am going to endevour to embrace the discomfort. i will hang out with con & val, wear pajamas every day & eat nothing but ice cream if that's what i feel like doing. i will play in the garden, chase caterpillars with the boys, build giant towers of blocks & read goodnight moon as many times as it's handed to me. i will remind myself that the sleeplessness is temporary, & soon enough i will have another small person to keep me company (& keep me awake) latenight. i will tell myself daily that i have not yet gone into labor bc 3 is not yet ready to arrive, & every extra day spent curled up cozy inside means we will take home a chubbier, healthier baby. i will remind myself of all the kind & loving things my husband has done over the years, so that i do not attempt to kill him in a psycho pregnant frenzy.

in short, i am going to ignore the contractions and enjoy my boys, even when they're screaming & fussy beyond belief, bc these are the last few days we will have as a family of 4 & i am determined NOT to go crazy until i am officially a mother of 3 kids under 2.

everyone is sick, & i am going to be pregnant forever.

sound dramatic? sorry, i'm a bit punchy.

conrad woke up at 5 with a ridiculous fever, i got it down to 100 ish with ty.lenol (generic), but have been unable to put him down all day, which is rough bc val is still sick too (altho not quite as sick as his bro.) took the guys to the doc, & its a virus, so there's nothing we can do but tylen.ol, etc. except-- conrad has lost a half pound in just a few days. not a huge deal for a kid not fighting GERD & weight loss on a good day, but for con it's bad news & if we can't get him eating/drinking again ASAP we're in trouble (doc's words & i am so determined to get him eating i didn't even ask what "trouble" meant.) so i got ice cream & pudding & avocados & other delicious treats (his favs) in an attempt to get him to eat. no luck so far, but he is drinking a little again & i'm hoping when he wakes he'll be up for a little munching. val, on the other hand, has decided that as long as i'm going to feed him ice cream, he'll eat again. not as much as usual, but at least he's eating.

oh & N is getting sick now too.

& i am recovering from my sick, but still having random bouts of nausea (pg related i'm sure) & contrax all day, that won't get regular enough for me to think i'm in labor, but are regular enough to make me super uncomfortable & miserable, & keep me awake for the better part of the night. & once i'm alseep, it's pretty much a guarantee that a poor little sicky will wake up & need mama. i don't begrudge the boys the time, but i could really do without the uselses contractions.

so, according to murphy's law & our good luck, i will either be super contract-y & miserable until june, left to care for all these sickies by my 9-mo. pregnant lonesome, OR i will go into labor like, tomorrow, while everyone is horribly sick, so that i'll be bringing a new baby home to a cess-pool of germs & a daddy unable to help.



p.s. on ta.bitha's salon ta.keover that's on in rerun right now (crappy show, i know....) you can see my old apartment in boystown in chi..cago i don't miss much of chi, but i did love that apartment....

musings at t-minus 26 days

is it wrong that i am sort of more excited about simply not being pregnant anymore than i am about having another baby?

we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.

i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.

i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.

to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.

28 days left & i'm on the warpath

28 days at most & i am getting antsy.

well, antsy & b*tchy.

i had to restrain myself from making snide comments to a old work buddy on fb today when she announced that she & her hubs are expecting twins. i also had to restrain myself from jumping down N's throat yesterday for spending 4 hrs visiting with his parents, who he never sees. i had to stop myself from yelling at my mom for not getting enough fabric to make 2 curtains for 3's room. i find myself having to bite my tongue to keep from saying things like "wuss" to my friend who keeps talking about how difficult it is to be a SAHM to her one child. in short, i am acting like a big brat & driving even myself nuts.

i never felt like this with the boys, bc my overwhelming emotion was fear. i'm not afraid this time, just cranky as h*ll. & when even i felt cranky with the twins, i also felt justified in my b*tchiness after months of bedrest & constant fear & stress. this time, i have zero justifiable reasons to be a jerk & yet cannot stop myself from wanting to lash out at anyone & everyone.

mercifully, the only people excaping my wrath right now are the little dudes. somehow the complete lack of patience doesn't seem to extend to them & i am grateful for that. however, if 3 takes another 28 days to get here, we may be making it on our own, since i seriously doubt there will be anyone left who wants to deal with me by then, except perhaps my babies.

be warned: this is a psycho pregnant lady rant

every scrap of clothing in our house needs to be washed. plus, in a burst if nesting fervor yesterday, i pulled out a bunch of newborn stuff to be washed & folded for 3. (dragging giant tupperware tubs of baby clothes up from our basement after spending hours wandering ikea in a fruitless search for a shelf= bad idea.) i started the wash this morning with puke/pee laundry bc it was stinkiest, & next up is N's mountain of work shirts, (also very stinky), altho to be honest i was seriously tempted to just set fire to his sh*t on the lawn this morning.

i think i've finally hit the super grumpy, exhausted, everything & everyone pisses me off stage of pregnancy.

pretty much all of my patience & smiles are used up on the boys, so by the time i see N at the end of the day i have nothing left, & it's taking a toll.
he was such a b*tch yesterday for unknown reasons. (my guess is that the man is feeling the stress of being totally unready for the pending baby, etc, but bc he is who he is, he will admit to nothing & will just act like a big jerk rather than own up to feeling anxious.) so after trying to cheer him up, offering to help with his "chores", & failing to elicit anything but snide remarks, i gave up & was pretty much annoyed with him all day.
& then i dreamt last night that he had an affair. woke up crying & furious with him. yeah, yeah, it was a dream, but i was still pissed.

aside from general stress, i think part of our pissiness towards each other is actually due to the lack of love life lately. not from lack of desire on any one's part, but bc i am TIRED. by the time N gets home, i have been up since 6 with 2 small men hanging on me ALL day (the guys are going thru a very clingy stage) & the thought of another human trying to touch me pretty much makes my skin crawl. by that point, i don't even want the cats in my lap, & by the time we get the kids to bed, i am usually laying on the couch, drinking water & fending off the BHC that get ever more frequent & uncomfortable throughout the day so i can finally go to sleep.
& due to our awesome procrastinating, on his days off, the "must-do" list is so long that the "want-to" list never gets done. plus, the added grumpiness on his part definetly does NOT make me want to rip his clothes off.

yeah, i know-- this too shall pass, blah, blah, blah.

i think my larger problem at the moment is just that i've hit the frantic, must prepare, grumpy & exhausted for no reason part of this pregnancy. & the fact that i can accomplish none of the things i want to get done without help (stupid broken foot) is driving my type A self absolutely batty. grr.

Twin v. Singleton Belly: Part VII

33 1/2 weeks with #3. (yeah, i'm in pj's & look crappy. everyone will just have to deal with it!)

& 30 weeks with the boys. this was the last belly pic i took with the guys, since shortly after this i started getting really sick with pre-e, & we were in & out of the hospital way too much to think about things like belly pics.
i think i look similarly big, i'm just carrying REALLY differently. believe it or not, at this point with the guys, i was actually measuring past 40 weeks. & conrad was pretty much living in my rib cage. ah, good times! carrying 1 at a time is SOOOOOO much easier, even when it sucks.

& i have to say, i'm ready not to be pregnant anymore. no, i don't want to rush 3-- as far as i'm concerned, 3 can take all the time the baby wants, since we are totally unprepared still. i just mean i'm looking forward to the end of the summer, when (hopefully) i will be sleeping a bit again & will have lost (some) of the baby weight & will generally be feeling less like a small planet. i will have been pregnant or recovering from being pregnant for pretty much 2 years straight by the time 3 gets here, & i'm ready for a break!!

birth stories

sometimes they make me sad.

a couple friends have blogged recently about the births of their older kids, & while i love reading the stories, they make me kind of wistful.

we had to have a c-section with the boys. they let me labor until i was 5 or 6 cm, & then my blood pressure skyrocketed & we needed a c-sec NOW. obviously, when your kids' health is at stake, you don't have a lot of options. i don't regret that surgery one bit-- it brought us our beautiful sons, safe & sound. but bc of the internal incision, my odds of success with a vaginal birth now are optimistically around 50%. i blogged about this some time ago, when N & i decided that those weren't good enough odds for us, & we were opting for a repeat c-section. i stand by that decision, i really do. after talking with my OB (who is generally fairly anti-c-section), we feel like it's the safest option for 3 & for me. but....

hearing the stories of reaching down to feel the baby's head, or even just HOLDING the baby right after birth, make me long for that kind of delivery. you don't get to hold your baby after a c-section. & while i don't mind at all that N gets to be the first to hold our kids, it hurts that i can't hold them right away, too.

in the long run of course, none of this matters. i don't love my boys any less for having them delivered surgically, & it won't change my feelings for 3 or the relationships i have with my kids. it's just the loss of a single moment in their lives & in mine, but it's a moment i'll never get to experience, & that makes me kind of sad.

the ugly green monster

let me preface this by saying, the kids are worth everything i'm about to complain about & then some, & there is NO way i would trade them for anything. that said....

my best bud was over this weekend, & she has been doing WW & hitting the gym big time, & well, she looks awesome. she had just got her hair done, & was all skinny & even dressed up cute (not for me & the boys, but bc she was going on a date with the dude we set her up with later that day), & talking about a cruise she's going on at the end of this week thru mexico.
i was wearing pajama pants (comfiest thing ever when preggo, but not attractive) & one of N's t-shirts bc i was doing laundry & all of my shirts had been puked on recently, hadn't showered in 2 days, so i had a real resemblence to medusa going on, & i was gimping around like a schmuck bc of my stupid ankle. & i felt like the world's frumpiest, most boring housewife ever.

i don't begrudge my bud any of the good times she has coming, she's had her shares of woes & i know she wants very much to be a "boring" housewife & mom, so i'm pretty sure she'd smack me if she knew i was here complaining, but MAN did i feel lame.
less bc of her pending vacation (which is much deserved) & more bc she looks so great, & i look nothing like "myself". (or at least the version of myself i still stupidly expect to see in the mirror. the one who didn't have 3 kids in under 2 years.) i hate not having clothes that fit, i hate the extra 20 lbs that i know are going to hang on for months after 3 is here. & even tho i know this is part of the deal, & most days i can laugh & be glad i'm having such a healthy pg & growing a big, healthy baby, some days i just feel like a frumpy, homely, schmuck.
& i know that after a few months with #3, i'll be able to go to WW (they have a program for breastfeedings moms) & get back to the gym, & i really can't wait. i am so sick of not feeling like myself, & quite frankly i'm a bit jealous of anyone who still looks skinny & awesome, while i look bloated & tired.

ok, i'm done whining, i swear. i chose this life, & i really do love it, but i can't help the green eyed monster from sneaking up on me occasionally. i'm going to kick him out NOW tho & go back to laughing at my little dudes, who are chatting it up in their cribs instead of napping right now. little boogers!

piece of cake

a friend pointed out to me after my lame post yesterday that "normal" pregnancies are boring, so i shouldn't feel bad. & i have to say, i really agree, altho i'd never thought of it before-- normal pregnancies ARE boring. after the drama & pain of carrying 2 for 7ish mos, this singleton pg has been a walk in the park. this is a piece of cake.
don't get me wrong, maybe i'll be singing a different tune in 6 weeks, but after measuring something like 44 weeks preggo with the dudes at somewhere around 30 weeks (if memory serves) i seriously doubt i'll be THAT miserable, & i have to be honest, i don't really "get it" when other singleton moms start complaining right around now (32 weeks). not that i'm not sympathetic, i know all too well how much pregnancy can suck, i just don't feel it this time-- i'm really NOT that miserable, & while big, i really don't feel THAT huge. mostly, i'm just really glad we had the twins first, so that this one really does seem like a total breeze.

doldrums

i have some serious blahs going on lately.

the 3rd tri sleepies are a contributing factor, as is my stupid ankle, which is keeping me from doing fun things like taking the guys to the park or starting my garden, but mostly i've just settled into a funk of blah-ness & can't snap out of it. i just can't work up enough enthusiam over anything to get excited about anything. even the pending arrival of #3 in a few weeks isn't enough to light a fire under me. honestly, i'm kind of thinking "eh, another baby".... the excitement of a few weeks ago is fading, & now i'm mostly thinking how much recovery from another c-sec will suck, & about how my workload is about to explode with newborn "fun." i know, i know, i am a rotten, rotten woman for feeling that way. don't think i don't feel guilty about it, i do. but even that isn't enough to shake some sense into me.

i had a check on 3 yesterday, & bc i had no real concerns or problems, the u/s was so quick (doc was running WAY behind) that i barely got a peek at the top of 3's head. i had kind of been looking forward to a real look at the baby again in hopes that seeing 3 would make me feel excited again. now i don't have another look for 3 more weeks, & i feel kind of detached from the baby inside me. (insert comment about how i'm a horrible person & awful mom.)

i seriously doubt that i'll be able to maintain this level of apathy in the face of a living, breathing person. i do LOVE babies afterall, especially my own, so i'm counting on some excitement returning as we get closer to d-day, but for now i just feel beyond lame. i think maybe i'll go baby shopping & pick up something specially for 3 (not that we *need* anything, but baby shopping is always fun) & maybe that will drum up some enthusiasm.

oh wait... i'm staying off my ankle. nevermind. blah.

go ahead & gain!

gaining weight sucks. period. i was skinny my whole life, & do not enjoy the pudge that comes with pregnancy. that said, i have no qualms gaining whatever i need to gain for my kids. i try not to complain, bc 1) my babies' health is way more important, 2) its a temporary condition, & 3) you're SUPPOSED to gain weight while you're pg. bearing all that in mind, it really irks me when women get all hysterical over their weight during pg. it is what it is. just eat healthy, know you're taking care of your unborn kid, & deal with the "losing" part afterwards.

lest anyone think i don't understand how much it sucks to be huge & have to fight to lose again, here is my personal weight gain story:
before i got pg with the guys, i weighed 110 lbs, soaking wet. when i was pg with the boys, the MFM wanted me to gain 70 lbs.... i did, & then added about 20 lbs of water weight the last 2 weeks of pg from the stupid pre-e. that's a 90 lb total weight gain, folks. i lost 60 of it in 6 mos, & was working on the remaining 30 when i got KU again. i don't begrudge my kids the weight gain, bc both boys were nearly 5 lbs at birth, which was a huge advantage for them as 33 weekers. nonetheless, weight 200 lbs was NOT my idea of cool.
this pg, i'm 26 & 1/2 weeks pg & already up 30 lbs. sigh. i'm not thrilled, but i eat really well-- bc we eat with my folks every night while their house is being re-done (they have no kitchen) we eat exclusively low-fat, no sugar, no salt, low-carb meals. other than that, i eat cheerios, fruit & the occasional cookie. even when my folks aren't around, we eat well (altho i don't omit salt when it's just us.) it's not like i'm hogging out, i'm just gaining like a sow. my OB is totally unconcerned & when i asked him about it, he said that some women just gain alot every pg & that it just seems to be what their body needs to do. he also pointed out that the weight was coming off pretty well after the boys' birth, even after i had to stop nursing, so i shouldn't worry myself about what i'm gaining this time around. i'm still not thrilled, but i'm not going to go all "woe-is-me" or spend time pouting about my weight. (there will be time for that AFTER 3 is here! jk... hpoefully BF-ing will help, & after a few mos, i'll just have to re-commit to going to the gym. i know N will be willing to babysit to get his skinny wife back, lol!)

obviously, i'm not going to diet or do anything crazy while i'm pg-- baby comes first, not mom's vanity. i know women however, who have limited their calorie intake while pg so that they don't gain, or gain only 10 lbs, & i just don't get it. (i'm speaking of women who were a healthy weight to start with. i know the weight reccomendations are different for different-sized girls.) why would you jeopardize your kid's health just so YOU look a little better? i just don't get it & i'm sick of the whining from women who are gaining a normal, healthy amount with each pregnancy. just deal with it-- your body is not your own while you're pg, so accept it & focus on being healthy, not on the scale.

just one

it's weird being pg with a singleton. maybe its just bc i was so recently pg with twins, but it's just odd. the movements are so different, & that's weird. but weirder than that is that i still think in terms of 2. we often forget & say when "they" get here, i think just bc we're so used to referring to everything in terms of multiples. it's totally bizzarre to me to think of all the things i won't have to do, bc this is just ONE baby... we won't BOTH have to get up at every feeding, breastfeeding won't be an hour & a half long enterprise involving lots of pumping & reflux prevention, NICU time is super unlikely (thank God!!!).... honestly, i have a hard time imagining what it will be like to have just one. (i know we won't really have just one, since the boys will be 14mos when 3 is born, but still-- just ONE newborn.... how crazy will that be?)

i'm actually kind of sad that 3 won't have a twin. as the boys get older, they are sooooo attached to each other. they genuinely love each other's company & hate to be parted. they have such a great time playing together, & i really hope that 3 grows to be included in their little world. don't get me wrong, being pg with twins was incredibly difficult & dangerous for all 3 of us so i don't want to put any more children thru that. i know how lucky we were to make it to 33 weeks after PTL at 26 weeks, & have a only a 3 week NICU stay, etc, etc, but if it weren't so dangerous for the kids i'd wish for more twins in an instant. not that i'm really bummed about havinga singleton either-- i think it will be kind of a cool parenting experience to get to raise both & i'm sure there are benefits to having kids one at a time, but i can't help but worry that 3 will be lonely....

sounds silly i know, when the kids will all be barely a year apart... but still.....

strollers, funerals, life generally...

thanks for not making me feel like a cow ladies! i don't know how i was "tiny" with twins since they were born so darn big. it must have been the whole "1st" pregnancy thing. (well, not really first, but first that went that far....) & i was certainly not small by 33 weeks... i'm scared to think how huge i would have gotten. especially now knowing the total havoc the dudes wrecked on my poor body. not that i regret it at all, but still.. ouch. my joints never recovered, nor did my back, & bikinis? yeah, those days are over-- i have stretch marks on my calves, for pete's sakes! :)

ANYWAYS-- i feel super accomplished today. we picked up the "big" odds & ends we needed for #3. we got a singleton stroller, another pack n' play (a must for travel for us & we do take enough overnight trips to warrant it), & we have a crib & dresser/changing table coming from some friends. so now we jusst need another diaper genie, a wrap that i actually like (recomendations welcome!), a glider and another diaper bag (i have one picked out, i just need to order it. & ONE diaper bag is barely sufficient for twins, let alone 3 little goobers under 2!)
& in less fun shopping news, i got an outfit to wear to my grandfather's memorial. i needed everything down to tights & shoes... i had zero appropriate maternity things that were nice enough for a fancy funeral in a super conservative small town.

we also were able to finalize the memorial plans for next saturday. we think they're going to have to move it to the fairgrounds bc so many people are coming, so the details are still in the air, but at least we can move forward now. (big yay here for small-town lawyers!) & the details are set for arlington on april 1st. bc he was a colonel, he gets to be buried with full honors-- air force band, escort platoon, taps, the caisson, 21 gun salute-- the whole 9 yards. my grandfather would have loved it. plus, my dad has been fielding a bunch of calls from my grandfather's veteran buddies, all of whom want to show up in uniform to honor him. makes me feel very proud, & happy for my grandpa-- he would have been tickled by all the fuss.

& that's been life the past few days.

we're back!

we're back after a lovely week up north with the grandparents. it was a nice change of scene, but traveling with 2 babies is never really restful, so i'm still totally pooped, altho i think we're all a bit refreshed after spending a week away.
i think even N missed us, altho he'd be the last to admit it! :P

& the boys have fifths (yay!) which is only obnoxious bc i'm pg, so i'll go get tested this afternoon & hopefully will be immune & won't have to worry.

i feel like my belly has exploded over the past week. i'll try to get N to take a pic tonight so i can do a belly comparison, bc i pretty much feel huge. i'm starting to pant just going up & down stairs & stuff, which drives me nuts bc its not like i'm in bad shape. & in other pg related complaints, the whole pubic-bone separating an abnormal amount that happened with the guys is back. its called pubic symphasis (altho my spelling might be bad there) & it just sucks. it pretty much feels like you have an unsupported broken bone right across your pubic bone (which is kind of what it is) & it makes every single movement really painful & there's nothing you can do about it & it just sucks. sigh.... woe is me, woe is me! (just kidding!)

ok, i promise i'm done b****ing now. :)

VBAC v. Repeat C-section

recently N & i have been debating the best option for #3. we didn't get an choice with the boys' birth-- i had preeclampsia & my blood pressure was getting to a point where it was too dangerous for the boys to allow me to labor anymore, so we had an emergency c-sec then.
my doc is very supportive, & when i first asked him about it, he said there was no reason why we couldn't try for a VBAC. & then i did some research, & NO ONE i know has had a successful VABC. yeah, i've heard some ok stories from folks i don't know, but i don't *know* them & i tend not to trust hearsay from non-friends. (not that they're lying, i just prefer to know who my info is coming from.) & all the medical literature is pretty mixed... it seems like the success depends more on personal circumstances than anything else.
so i brought up the whole VBAC issue again at my appt today. again, my doc said if i want to try, we can absolutely try. & then i asked for odds on a successful VBAC for me, & he put them at 40-50%, based on the fact that our babies tend to be big, & the positioning of the scar on my uterus. & i have to admit, that totally changed my perspective. i do NOT want to labor & then end up with a surgery anyways. i just don't think 50% is good enough odds for me.... & while i appreciate my doc's honesty & support, i think that a repeat c-sec is the best option for us. of course if i can change my mind right up until the surgery is scheduled, but for now, we have tentatively scheduled a birthday for 3.

i feel good about this decision & N is totally supportive (he'll go along with whatever i decide), as is my doc & family so i'm pretty sure this is a choice that will stick, but i'm open minded if this turns out to be a smaller than anticipated baby, so if you have any VBAC insight or personal stories, please share!

oh-- & 3 looks awesome! we confirmed the sex again (not that there was alot of doubt) & the kid hasn't stopped moving since the u/s :)

20 week u/s

i accidentally deleted my post while adding pics (sigh...) so here it is again (mostly)--
N won, so we found out the sex, but compromised & decided not to share the info with anyone. so it's staying secret!! hopefully, anyways. my mom took me out to get fabric for the baby's room (she made curtains & a bed skirt & stuff for the boys & is going to for #3 as well), & she kept picking up really girlie or really boy-ish patterns, trying to get me to give it away. sigh... same thing happened with the names last time, & we managed to keep them secret, so hopefully we can keep this a surprise too! (& no, we won't be sharing our name choice!)
btw, if you think i've given it away or you have a guess in the coming months, please keep it to yourself-- we really do want to surprise the family! thanks kids!

& here are some u/s pics of 3. :)

a nice, creepy skeletor face--

& a profile with a big, round belly:

i have cute toe pics too, but thought i'd post the face instead. this kid has the same wonky toes as both the boys & their dad-- 2nd toe is longest. i have nice, normal, evenly descending toes, & all my kids get N's long monkey toes! lol, figures! cracked me up to see it, since we saw the boys' funny toes for the first time at their 20 week u/s too.

oh & we do have the "money shot" photos , but we won't be sharing those! did you really think we'd give it away that easy? come on! ;)

Labor...

following mandy's labor on fb totally makes me wish for another c-sec. ok, not really, but labor SUCKS. you kind of forget how much after a while, & i'm sort of bummed that i wasn't NOT pregnant long enough to forget how much it sucked. (yeah, i know i had a c-sec, but they did let me labor for a few hrs, until i was 5-6 cm. & it was horrid. if crisis hadn't struck & rushed me into an emergency c-sec, i would have been begging for an epi. or possibly a crow bar to the head. anything not to be in pain anymore.)
which brings me to my next point-- i am in awe of women who go thru labor without any pain meds. personally, i don't see the point-- the baby gets here either way, & drugs don't affect the baby's health, so i'd rather be able to relax a bit & not be as miserable. that said-- i respect those who want to go thru natural labor. i'm not knocking them in any way-- really, i think it's a pretty phenomenal accomplishment. but in my opinion, any labor that gets your kid(s) here & into your arms is a phenomenal accomplishment, whether its with the aid of drugs, or surgery, or 8 docs, or none.
so i'm curious: what was your reasoning behind your labor of choice? (if you had gotten to choose. i know some of us didn't get the option.) did you go for drugs? want natural & change your mind? stuck with natural the whole way?

(i'll answer in comments)

i should be napping right now. (a confession)

i was up with val from midnight til around 230 this morning & then we all got up at 5, bc, well, its just one of those days. the boys lasted until almost 9 & then went down for a nap, but i was so hungry i had to eat rather than sleep. & i could lay down now & try to snooze til they wake up, but instead i'm here & planning on taking the dudes to ikea with my mom when they wake up. i think we need to get out more while we still can (the threat of bedrest if hanging over me) & i think as long as i allow no strangers to touch them & am militant with the hand sanitizer, we should be safe. (fingers crossed.)

i posted something on another blog & its been making me feel incredibly guilty, so i feel compelled to explain myself. here's my confession: i don't like being pregnant. i know, i'm awful. we tried so hard to get (& stay) pg, & fought for every day past 26 weeks with our boys, & i should be grateful & love every minute of this. well, i am grateful, but i am SO not loving every minute of this. i didn't even love being pg with my dudes (who were planned). i loved the miracle of them, the knowledge that i was their source of life & comfort & nourishment for so long. i loved that i got to know them before they were born, but the day to day of pregnancy sucks for me. i hate being sick, i hate being tired, i hate the awkwardness, the giant clumsy body, the aching joints. i hate that my body is no longer my own.

don't get me wrong, all those complaints are sacrifices i'll gladly make for a healthy child, & i know i'll miss the ability to bear more children when N & i are finally done growing our family (hypocritcal, isn't it?) i love the end result of pg & i love that i can, after out losses & struggles, carry & grow our children myself, but i still don't like beign pregnant. it's kind of like that obnoxious sibling, who you love but don't like. well, that's how i feel about pregnancy-- i love it, but i don't like it.