there are times when i feel like i've spent my entire day herding cats & wrestling rabid monkeys.
i was having one of those days this morning, but we were in dire need of cat food, so out we went to meijer's. boys in stroller, me wearing em & praying for a quick trip. i hadn't washed my face or brushed my teeth, conrad had blue streaks all over his face from an experiment with markers (he refused to let me wash it & in the interest of getting to the store before noon, i decided it was not a battle worth fighting), val had fallen in love with the container of coffee i picked up & insisted on carrying it all over the store, & emma, while perfectly happy to be worn by mom, kept digging her toes into the waistband of my too-big jeans so that i had perpetual plumber-butt while hunting for the elusive cat food. during all of this, i was singing the sesame street song over & over in order to head off high pitched screams of "bih-birrrrrr!!!!" (big bird) from the boys. needless to say, i was NOT feeling like a put-together-mother-of-the-year type.
as we were waiting in the check out line, however, one sweet old lady came up to me, touched my arm & said "i've been watching you from that bench over there, & just wanted to compliment you on your children. they are so well-behaved & perfectly adorable." after an hour of singing "sunny days, sweeping the clouds away...." to a smurf-faced conrad, while hitching up my pants & trying to persuade a tearful val to part with his coffee, i was too shocked to come up with anything to say in response, so she patted me on the arm, said "you're doing a good job dear" & walked off to her bench.
it was a small thing, but it made me feel like a million bucks & i was grateful.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
biggotry & fear
a preface: i believe with 100% of my being that gay people are just people. period. it matters to me about as much as someone's hair color, which is to say not at all. i believe they should have every right that a heterosexual person has, including the right to marriage & all the ensuing legal rights & responsibilities. if you feel otherwise, this is not a post for you.
some one very close to me came out recently & accidentally. this person ("B") was "discovered" due to some private correspondence that was left out, although i've *known* for years, without being told, as have many people close to B. B's parents took the news hard, mom bc she was heartbroken B couldn't share their whole self with her, & dad bc he's a very conservative man who struggles with change. the good in the situation is that now B can be exactly who they are without need to hide or pretend, & that B's parents, who i know well & who love their kids unconditionally, will become vehement gay-rights supporters & the best champions B could hope for. the sad in the situation is that B had to struggle & hide in the first place. it came out that B had contemplated suicicide & gone so far as to plan the place & time. hearing that tore at my heart. B is an amazingly talented, smart, engaging, funny person with so much to offer the world, & to think that we live in a world that would make that kind of person feel so badly about themselves that they wanted to die makes me sad & scared for my own children.
i've never understood why for so many people "different" automatically equals "wrong", & i understand even less why those people have to attack individuals who don't fit their notions of normal. bc among the people with whom i choose to surround myself things like race & gender & sexual orientation are non-issues, it becomes easy to forget the biggotry & prejudice that still run rampant in this country. hearing B's story was a close-to-home reminder of how brutal life still is for so many. i hope & pray that i will be able to impart to my own kids a strong enough sense of self & feeling of security that they will be able to live their lives openly as their whole selves, & that they learn compassion & a true sense of what is right & fair.
the world can be a cruel and scary place, especially if you aren't able to find the pockets of compassion & kindness.
some one very close to me came out recently & accidentally. this person ("B") was "discovered" due to some private correspondence that was left out, although i've *known* for years, without being told, as have many people close to B. B's parents took the news hard, mom bc she was heartbroken B couldn't share their whole self with her, & dad bc he's a very conservative man who struggles with change. the good in the situation is that now B can be exactly who they are without need to hide or pretend, & that B's parents, who i know well & who love their kids unconditionally, will become vehement gay-rights supporters & the best champions B could hope for. the sad in the situation is that B had to struggle & hide in the first place. it came out that B had contemplated suicicide & gone so far as to plan the place & time. hearing that tore at my heart. B is an amazingly talented, smart, engaging, funny person with so much to offer the world, & to think that we live in a world that would make that kind of person feel so badly about themselves that they wanted to die makes me sad & scared for my own children.
i've never understood why for so many people "different" automatically equals "wrong", & i understand even less why those people have to attack individuals who don't fit their notions of normal. bc among the people with whom i choose to surround myself things like race & gender & sexual orientation are non-issues, it becomes easy to forget the biggotry & prejudice that still run rampant in this country. hearing B's story was a close-to-home reminder of how brutal life still is for so many. i hope & pray that i will be able to impart to my own kids a strong enough sense of self & feeling of security that they will be able to live their lives openly as their whole selves, & that they learn compassion & a true sense of what is right & fair.
the world can be a cruel and scary place, especially if you aren't able to find the pockets of compassion & kindness.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
a new perspective
after a fairly sleepless & cranky night (on my part, not the guys-- they slept from 730pm til 8am!!) i woke up in a surprisingly cheerful mood, & decided to spend the morning outside with my goobers. amazing the change a little sunshine can bring.
i'm still all contract-y & uncomfortable, but i have decided all the minor chaos going on with my uterus lately is just some kind of annoying pre-labor & not a lead up to the real thing. (or its a loooong lead up, since obviously labor at some point becomes inevitable.) that said, my new prediction is that 3 will stay put until the 1st & our scheduled birthday, albiet with lots of contractions & backaches & other fun (i.e. miesrable) activities in the meantime. so since i'm going to be pregnant for another 11 days, (i'm not counting the 1st itself, since that's b-day), i might as well make the best of it.
so i am going to endevour to embrace the discomfort. i will hang out with con & val, wear pajamas every day & eat nothing but ice cream if that's what i feel like doing. i will play in the garden, chase caterpillars with the boys, build giant towers of blocks & read goodnight moon as many times as it's handed to me. i will remind myself that the sleeplessness is temporary, & soon enough i will have another small person to keep me company (& keep me awake) latenight. i will tell myself daily that i have not yet gone into labor bc 3 is not yet ready to arrive, & every extra day spent curled up cozy inside means we will take home a chubbier, healthier baby. i will remind myself of all the kind & loving things my husband has done over the years, so that i do not attempt to kill him in a psycho pregnant frenzy.
in short, i am going to ignore the contractions and enjoy my boys, even when they're screaming & fussy beyond belief, bc these are the last few days we will have as a family of 4 & i am determined NOT to go crazy until i am officially a mother of 3 kids under 2.
i'm still all contract-y & uncomfortable, but i have decided all the minor chaos going on with my uterus lately is just some kind of annoying pre-labor & not a lead up to the real thing. (or its a loooong lead up, since obviously labor at some point becomes inevitable.) that said, my new prediction is that 3 will stay put until the 1st & our scheduled birthday, albiet with lots of contractions & backaches & other fun (i.e. miesrable) activities in the meantime. so since i'm going to be pregnant for another 11 days, (i'm not counting the 1st itself, since that's b-day), i might as well make the best of it.
so i am going to endevour to embrace the discomfort. i will hang out with con & val, wear pajamas every day & eat nothing but ice cream if that's what i feel like doing. i will play in the garden, chase caterpillars with the boys, build giant towers of blocks & read goodnight moon as many times as it's handed to me. i will remind myself that the sleeplessness is temporary, & soon enough i will have another small person to keep me company (& keep me awake) latenight. i will tell myself daily that i have not yet gone into labor bc 3 is not yet ready to arrive, & every extra day spent curled up cozy inside means we will take home a chubbier, healthier baby. i will remind myself of all the kind & loving things my husband has done over the years, so that i do not attempt to kill him in a psycho pregnant frenzy.
in short, i am going to ignore the contractions and enjoy my boys, even when they're screaming & fussy beyond belief, bc these are the last few days we will have as a family of 4 & i am determined NOT to go crazy until i am officially a mother of 3 kids under 2.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
life after loss
bc i am home alone with just my goobers today (N is working--we did our little mother's day celebration on friday with my folks), & i'm waiting for my tomatoes to roast for lunch (altho i have no chocolate shake, so i'm settling for chocolate milk) i actually have a minute to blog & be thoughtful, so please excuse the introspective post today.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
musings at t-minus 26 days
is it wrong that i am sort of more excited about simply not being pregnant anymore than i am about having another baby?
we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.
i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.
i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.
to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.
we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.
i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.
i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.
to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
favorites
if you weren't an "only", did you feel that your parents (or either parent) had a favorite child?
i think i used to be my dad's favorite, but with sobriety he has become more even keeled, which i think both my brother & i appreciate, & i don't feel like he has a favorite kid now. hoever, i've always felt that my mom did (& does) & it's never been me. if you know me at all, you know that i adore my mom & we have an amazing relationship, so saying she has a "favorite" sounds worse than i intend it to. so let me try to explain further. i don't think she loves my brother more. but she has always catered to him, celebrated him & treasured time spent with him in a way she never has with me.
some examples: 1) if he calls while i am on the phone with her, she will hang up with me to speak with him. if i call while she's on the phone with him, she won't answer the phone, & will instead call me back later. 2) (& the only time i've ever really been furious with her) when the boys were still in the NICU, i wouldn't allow my brother in to see them bc he was recovering from the flu, & she demanded we let him in. we didn't, of course, & she was genuinely upset that we put our sons over hers, altho she never phrased it that way.)
i wonder now if it has anything to do with him being the baby, or a boy, or if it's bc i was a pretty independent kid, or if maybe it's bc he had such terrible asthma as a child that he was hospitalized frequently. i know first hand that if you have a sick child, it's very easy to become preoccupied with the sicky at the expense of your less "needy" children.
& i wonder if having a percieved "favorite" is an inevitable fact of parenting more than one child. it's human nature to identify more with some people than others (think about it-- isn't there a parent or sibling you felt closer to, despite that fact that you presumably loved both of your parents, etc? it's just how people work.) i could NEVER, NEVER pick between my children, but i know that as they grow, i will feel closer to one or more of them than others at times, & i wonder if i will be able to effectively counter that so that ALL of my kids feel loved & special. of course i'll try, but i'm guessing my folks tried too, & i still felt it. so can it be done? can we really impose equality on both our feelings & in our children's perception of those feelings?
i think i used to be my dad's favorite, but with sobriety he has become more even keeled, which i think both my brother & i appreciate, & i don't feel like he has a favorite kid now. hoever, i've always felt that my mom did (& does) & it's never been me. if you know me at all, you know that i adore my mom & we have an amazing relationship, so saying she has a "favorite" sounds worse than i intend it to. so let me try to explain further. i don't think she loves my brother more. but she has always catered to him, celebrated him & treasured time spent with him in a way she never has with me.
some examples: 1) if he calls while i am on the phone with her, she will hang up with me to speak with him. if i call while she's on the phone with him, she won't answer the phone, & will instead call me back later. 2) (& the only time i've ever really been furious with her) when the boys were still in the NICU, i wouldn't allow my brother in to see them bc he was recovering from the flu, & she demanded we let him in. we didn't, of course, & she was genuinely upset that we put our sons over hers, altho she never phrased it that way.)
i wonder now if it has anything to do with him being the baby, or a boy, or if it's bc i was a pretty independent kid, or if maybe it's bc he had such terrible asthma as a child that he was hospitalized frequently. i know first hand that if you have a sick child, it's very easy to become preoccupied with the sicky at the expense of your less "needy" children.
& i wonder if having a percieved "favorite" is an inevitable fact of parenting more than one child. it's human nature to identify more with some people than others (think about it-- isn't there a parent or sibling you felt closer to, despite that fact that you presumably loved both of your parents, etc? it's just how people work.) i could NEVER, NEVER pick between my children, but i know that as they grow, i will feel closer to one or more of them than others at times, & i wonder if i will be able to effectively counter that so that ALL of my kids feel loved & special. of course i'll try, but i'm guessing my folks tried too, & i still felt it. so can it be done? can we really impose equality on both our feelings & in our children's perception of those feelings?
Monday, April 19, 2010
i'm soliciting tips!
no, not the $ kind of tips, altho if you want to throw some of that our way, that would be cool too!
i'm looking for some (friendly) advice on life with toddlers + newborn. i know, most of you don't have 2 almost-toddlers at home, but i'm sure all tips can be adapted, right?
in the end, of course every family has to figure out what works best for them, & honestly we totally disregarded most "advice" we got on having twins, but sometimes fresh ideas are a good thing, & since i'm SOL on all the "nesting" i want to do lately (stupid broken foot!), pouring over some "mommy" advice is like virtual nesting for me, so please, comment!!!! (& help keep me sane!)
i'm looking for some (friendly) advice on life with toddlers + newborn. i know, most of you don't have 2 almost-toddlers at home, but i'm sure all tips can be adapted, right?
in the end, of course every family has to figure out what works best for them, & honestly we totally disregarded most "advice" we got on having twins, but sometimes fresh ideas are a good thing, & since i'm SOL on all the "nesting" i want to do lately (stupid broken foot!), pouring over some "mommy" advice is like virtual nesting for me, so please, comment!!!! (& help keep me sane!)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
i feel like a rotten mom
i just yelled at my sick baby. (specifically, i yelled "cut it out" when he was throwing a tantrum, smacking my glasses off my head & screaming bc i wouldn't let him eat the cord to the window blinds.)
i NEVER yell. i don't yell at my husband. i don't yell at my family. i don't yell at our animals, & i certainly don't yell at my kids. i grew up in a house where a person with a frightening temper was in a position of power over everyone, & i try VERY hard never to lose my temper as a result. yeah, i still get pissed, i just remove myself for a moment when i feel like i'm about to lose it, & when i feel calmer, i come back to whatever i was dealing with. it's not that i'm anti-discipline, i'm just anti-yelling.
the thing is, i didn't even feel remotely angry until i snapped at the kid. it was just a run-of-the-mill tantrum. & now i feel incredibly stressed & guilty & rotten for snapping.
maybe its bc i was on my own tonight? (N is working late) that's not an unusual occurance tho. i even got a nap today & got spelled by my mom long enough to cook dinner, so i haven't even been dealing with the sick kids all by myself today. maybe its the stress of the pending trip/crazy family/sick kids/lack of sleep? the crazy family drama has been ongoing since my grandpa's death tho, & sick kids & lack of sleep is nothing new... i had been feeling pretty on top of everything, & now i feel like i need to escape & hide for a while. i hate feeling like a bad mom.
:(
i NEVER yell. i don't yell at my husband. i don't yell at my family. i don't yell at our animals, & i certainly don't yell at my kids. i grew up in a house where a person with a frightening temper was in a position of power over everyone, & i try VERY hard never to lose my temper as a result. yeah, i still get pissed, i just remove myself for a moment when i feel like i'm about to lose it, & when i feel calmer, i come back to whatever i was dealing with. it's not that i'm anti-discipline, i'm just anti-yelling.
the thing is, i didn't even feel remotely angry until i snapped at the kid. it was just a run-of-the-mill tantrum. & now i feel incredibly stressed & guilty & rotten for snapping.
maybe its bc i was on my own tonight? (N is working late) that's not an unusual occurance tho. i even got a nap today & got spelled by my mom long enough to cook dinner, so i haven't even been dealing with the sick kids all by myself today. maybe its the stress of the pending trip/crazy family/sick kids/lack of sleep? the crazy family drama has been ongoing since my grandpa's death tho, & sick kids & lack of sleep is nothing new... i had been feeling pretty on top of everything, & now i feel like i need to escape & hide for a while. i hate feeling like a bad mom.
:(
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Do you ever:
- look around you & wonder when exactly you lost the battle against the rising tide of baby crap that has become your living room?
- toss something in the diaper genie & accidentally get a whiff of 3 day-old diaper stank that pretty much makes you want to vomit?
- decide you're going to change out of pajamas, only to lose your incentive & end up in pajama pants anyways?
- let your kids hang out in jammies all day bc the thought of wrestling them into real clothes makes you want to hide?
- help your kids make a tremendous mess, just bc it makes them laugh?
- willingly sacrifice pots, pans, spoons & boxes to the cause that is entertaining a baby?
- clean baby vomit out of your bra so often that it loses it's novelty?
- read the same book so many times that you've not only memorized it, but made it into a song, complete with hand gestures?
- worn pants/underwear/socks/etc on all the wrong body parts in an attempt to elicit a laugh from a cranky kid?
- forget dishes/laundry/dinner bc you're so wrapped up in the perfect little monsters who've taken over your home/life/heart?
yeah.... me too. :)
Thursday, February 25, 2010
tattoos & baby toys
in case you all were unaware, i have quite a bit of ink. it's all totally hidden by winter clothes, & most of it is totally hidden by any clothes (a reason why there are so few pics of my tattoos here, & a legacy of my time as a lawyer. like it or not, people judge you by appearance, so most of my tats are hidden. i was SOOO thrilled this summer when i finally got some ink that isn't super secret with clothes on. needless to say, i have zero intention of ever practising law again.) anyways-- the dudes are totally enamored of my tats. it's like they *know* they aren't a natural feature, & whenever we're playing on the floor & my shirt rides up enough to see the tattoos on my sides, they spend ages examining them. val especially is just fascinated-- he has to stare at them from all angles, then touch them, then try to taste them. it cracks me up every time. i've had them his entire life, so you think they'd be used to them. maybe he just likes the contrast? or maybe he'll follow in my footsteps & get inked up, much to his daddy's dismay. :) i have to say i don't really mind the thought of tattoos on my kids, but i think it's something you need to be over 18 to do. (i know, i'm all law-abiding & boring, but teenagers are notorious for bad decisions, & who wants a bad choice in ink forever?)
& about baby toys-- is anyone else sick to death of plastic? the boys' birthday is coming up next month (!!!!) & i asked my folks to steer far away from anything plastic. my mom, bless her heart, never questions my parenting decisions, but some other IRL folks have. plastic is so easy to clean, if it wasn't safe they wouldn't sell it (HA!), it's cheaper, etc, etc. but i'm sick of plastic. everything is plastic. & all safety issues aside, it's just boring. & i think the boys get bored with it. it's the same texture over & over, & i find that they're drawn to their wooden toys with more consistency & are entertained by them longer. yeah, they're more expensive & you have to be mindful of the potential for splintering & knawing by little teeth, but i've found them to be on the whole very durable & worth the money.
so i asked for a plastic-free birthday, at least from the grandparents ( i don't feel it's polite to require gifts from other guests, but if any one wants to get a gift & asks for guidance, i have a ready list of non-plastic ideas available. i just don't like to assume that people want to get my kids presents, you know?) it's not like i'm going to freak out or abandon all plastic, but some variety in materials would be nice. & why does it have to be some darn hard to find non-plastic baby toys? i'm sick of seeing the same plastic crap on every shelf, in every store.
& about baby toys-- is anyone else sick to death of plastic? the boys' birthday is coming up next month (!!!!) & i asked my folks to steer far away from anything plastic. my mom, bless her heart, never questions my parenting decisions, but some other IRL folks have. plastic is so easy to clean, if it wasn't safe they wouldn't sell it (HA!), it's cheaper, etc, etc. but i'm sick of plastic. everything is plastic. & all safety issues aside, it's just boring. & i think the boys get bored with it. it's the same texture over & over, & i find that they're drawn to their wooden toys with more consistency & are entertained by them longer. yeah, they're more expensive & you have to be mindful of the potential for splintering & knawing by little teeth, but i've found them to be on the whole very durable & worth the money.
so i asked for a plastic-free birthday, at least from the grandparents ( i don't feel it's polite to require gifts from other guests, but if any one wants to get a gift & asks for guidance, i have a ready list of non-plastic ideas available. i just don't like to assume that people want to get my kids presents, you know?) it's not like i'm going to freak out or abandon all plastic, but some variety in materials would be nice. & why does it have to be some darn hard to find non-plastic baby toys? i'm sick of seeing the same plastic crap on every shelf, in every store.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
why i don't tell people we used clomid. (or, shut up & mind your own business)
i'm not ashamed or embarassed that we used clomid to concieve our boys. after the loss of our second son, i had a uterine infection from retained tissue, multiple D&C's & drugs to clear things up, & no longer ovulated on my own. you can't get pregnant without ovulating & clomid did that for us. we used it responsibly & under medical supervision, & with full knowledge that it might result in multiples (especially since fraternal twins already run in my family.) i am thrilled that it worked for us, & that it helped bring us our sweet boys.
when i was pregnant, i swore i would never be one of those women who wouldn't discuss her struggles, or who'd mind talking about what we needed to do to get pregnant.
& then we had twins, & the comments started.
my biggest pet peeve is other twin moms, who didn't need help concieving & therefore view their twins as the "real thing". as though somehow i am less of a twin mom bc i was on clomid when we concieved. moms who use IVF, IUI's, or plain old fertilty drugs are no less of a mother, & i hated hearing the smug insinuations of "fertile" moms of multiples. if someone concieves a singleton while using fertility treatments, she doesn't hear "well, MY baby is the real thing bc we concieved him without drugs" so why do those of us lucky enough to have multiples have to be subjected to it?
the other reason i quit talking about clomid is just the plain insensitivity of most people. for me, our need to use clomid will be forever linked to the loss of our son & a very dark time in life. in the time since then, unfortunately i've found that most people are not sensitive to the realities of pregnancy loss. through well-meaning ignorance, or just plain callousness, they make too many cruel comments & my skin just isn't thick enough to brush them off consistently.
so i no longer discuss conception with most people. strangers get a complete brush off, bc frankly, it really is none of their business. (to me a stranger asking how we concieved our boys is akin to asking what sexual position we used. it's intrusive & rude, & will always get a polite "i don't discuss that with people i don't know.") & for most others, unless it's approached with respect, sensitivity & compassion, i simply refuse to discuss it. i NEVER ask other moms how they concieved (with the exception of fertility & TTC forums, etc, where those questions are invited), bc i assume that if they wanted me to know, they would have shared that information with me.
privacy is already too devalued in our society, & i don't understant the need to pry into the most private details of a person's life, such as conception, & then comment on that person's choices. my sons are no less my sons bc we needed help to concieve them. i am their real mom, they ARE real people (all 4 of them, my boys in heaven & my boys here on earth), & if you can't approach a fellow mother with compassion & respect, then shut up & mind your own business.
when i was pregnant, i swore i would never be one of those women who wouldn't discuss her struggles, or who'd mind talking about what we needed to do to get pregnant.
& then we had twins, & the comments started.
my biggest pet peeve is other twin moms, who didn't need help concieving & therefore view their twins as the "real thing". as though somehow i am less of a twin mom bc i was on clomid when we concieved. moms who use IVF, IUI's, or plain old fertilty drugs are no less of a mother, & i hated hearing the smug insinuations of "fertile" moms of multiples. if someone concieves a singleton while using fertility treatments, she doesn't hear "well, MY baby is the real thing bc we concieved him without drugs" so why do those of us lucky enough to have multiples have to be subjected to it?
the other reason i quit talking about clomid is just the plain insensitivity of most people. for me, our need to use clomid will be forever linked to the loss of our son & a very dark time in life. in the time since then, unfortunately i've found that most people are not sensitive to the realities of pregnancy loss. through well-meaning ignorance, or just plain callousness, they make too many cruel comments & my skin just isn't thick enough to brush them off consistently.
so i no longer discuss conception with most people. strangers get a complete brush off, bc frankly, it really is none of their business. (to me a stranger asking how we concieved our boys is akin to asking what sexual position we used. it's intrusive & rude, & will always get a polite "i don't discuss that with people i don't know.") & for most others, unless it's approached with respect, sensitivity & compassion, i simply refuse to discuss it. i NEVER ask other moms how they concieved (with the exception of fertility & TTC forums, etc, where those questions are invited), bc i assume that if they wanted me to know, they would have shared that information with me.
privacy is already too devalued in our society, & i don't understant the need to pry into the most private details of a person's life, such as conception, & then comment on that person's choices. my sons are no less my sons bc we needed help to concieve them. i am their real mom, they ARE real people (all 4 of them, my boys in heaven & my boys here on earth), & if you can't approach a fellow mother with compassion & respect, then shut up & mind your own business.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Unrealistic Expectations
I'm going to ramble a bit here, so forgive me--
A very dear friend just brought home her first baby a little over a week ago, & her struggles to adjust to mommy life took me back about 10 months to when i was a brand new mom, having freak outs of my own. (we've all been there, right?) Two more good friends have also just started TTC for the first time, & called me this week with all kinds of "is being a mom really that hard?" questions, each totally convinced that while life will change a bit, they'll still be working 80 hours a week (lawyers) & hitting the gym, & that they won't really fight with their husbands over who left the wipes open so they all dried up (or who changed the last poopy diaper, or who forgot to pack the diaper bag, & so on.) & while i chose not to bust their bubbles, i have to admit N & i had a good laugh when i got off the phone.
I feel like even those of us more familiar with the new mom situation (from watching family & friends, TTC for years, etc) put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. i got a bit of a break when we first got home, bc i had a c-section (so laundry was out for a while, etc), but once N went back to work, i think both he & i expected that i would be back on top of things relatively quickly. i'd be getting the laundry done & put away, have some sort of dinner ready, & still have fed & cared for the boys. HA. we very quickly found out we were insane to think life would find "normal" that quickly, & i started taking any & all help i could get.
i do think we adjusted our expectations a bit quicker than other families i've seen, but only bc we were forced to-- with twins your resources are already stretched to the limit, so you hit the wall a bit sooner. (yes, we dealt with NICU for the boys & health issues for mom, but i'm going to by-pass all that today in favor of the "normal" new mom experience. )
in all honesty, i think the boys were 6 mos before we had a working rhythym to our lives again. (no the laundry didn't sit for 6 mos, i just mean that it was that long before we really found our new normal & felt in charge or our lives again.)
so why is it that we put such high expectations on ourselves? i personally hate seeing the photos of celebrity moms 2 weeks after birth, out sans baby, hitting the gym & looking better than most of us pre-baby. i think it gives men in particular, a very unrealistic expectation of post-partum life. also, too often i think we disregard the physical part of recovery-- even if you have a "easy" normal delivery, your hormones are still going to be bananas for a couple months. you will be a crying mess, & the sleep deprivation doesn't help. a new mom with her first kid can't be expected to have a full bag of tricks to soothe a fussy baby, & you haven't yet negotiated all the changes in your relationship with your significant other. (no matter how much you may have discussed roles, etc in the months leading up to baby, the real thing always brings changes & stress & arguments you never thought you'd have.)
i think i finally started feeling better when i took my mom's advice to heart-- no one ever died of crying (important to remember when you can't figure out what's wrong with your precious bundle of joy) & when all else fails, let everything fall by the wayside & just love your babies. it was those quiet moments with my new sons, when i first said "screw the laundry!", that really made me feel like a mom & shifted my perspective-- laundry will wait, dinner can be ordered, dust can build up, & life will go on, but it will never be the same.
A very dear friend just brought home her first baby a little over a week ago, & her struggles to adjust to mommy life took me back about 10 months to when i was a brand new mom, having freak outs of my own. (we've all been there, right?) Two more good friends have also just started TTC for the first time, & called me this week with all kinds of "is being a mom really that hard?" questions, each totally convinced that while life will change a bit, they'll still be working 80 hours a week (lawyers) & hitting the gym, & that they won't really fight with their husbands over who left the wipes open so they all dried up (or who changed the last poopy diaper, or who forgot to pack the diaper bag, & so on.) & while i chose not to bust their bubbles, i have to admit N & i had a good laugh when i got off the phone.
I feel like even those of us more familiar with the new mom situation (from watching family & friends, TTC for years, etc) put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. i got a bit of a break when we first got home, bc i had a c-section (so laundry was out for a while, etc), but once N went back to work, i think both he & i expected that i would be back on top of things relatively quickly. i'd be getting the laundry done & put away, have some sort of dinner ready, & still have fed & cared for the boys. HA. we very quickly found out we were insane to think life would find "normal" that quickly, & i started taking any & all help i could get.
i do think we adjusted our expectations a bit quicker than other families i've seen, but only bc we were forced to-- with twins your resources are already stretched to the limit, so you hit the wall a bit sooner. (yes, we dealt with NICU for the boys & health issues for mom, but i'm going to by-pass all that today in favor of the "normal" new mom experience. )
in all honesty, i think the boys were 6 mos before we had a working rhythym to our lives again. (no the laundry didn't sit for 6 mos, i just mean that it was that long before we really found our new normal & felt in charge or our lives again.)
so why is it that we put such high expectations on ourselves? i personally hate seeing the photos of celebrity moms 2 weeks after birth, out sans baby, hitting the gym & looking better than most of us pre-baby. i think it gives men in particular, a very unrealistic expectation of post-partum life. also, too often i think we disregard the physical part of recovery-- even if you have a "easy" normal delivery, your hormones are still going to be bananas for a couple months. you will be a crying mess, & the sleep deprivation doesn't help. a new mom with her first kid can't be expected to have a full bag of tricks to soothe a fussy baby, & you haven't yet negotiated all the changes in your relationship with your significant other. (no matter how much you may have discussed roles, etc in the months leading up to baby, the real thing always brings changes & stress & arguments you never thought you'd have.)
i think i finally started feeling better when i took my mom's advice to heart-- no one ever died of crying (important to remember when you can't figure out what's wrong with your precious bundle of joy) & when all else fails, let everything fall by the wayside & just love your babies. it was those quiet moments with my new sons, when i first said "screw the laundry!", that really made me feel like a mom & shifted my perspective-- laundry will wait, dinner can be ordered, dust can build up, & life will go on, but it will never be the same.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
it's One of Those Days
let me begin by saying N is a wonderful father. he is attentive & loving & very involved. that said, here is what happened in our house this morning.
val wakes up at 6, con follows & both have no intention of going back to sleep. so i get up, grab val (who was yelling bc he can) so he'll shush, hand him to N (who is still in bed) & say "watch val" & go to get the living room baby ready, thinking i'll take the boys out & start the day so N can sleep in. i'm just finishing putting water on for tea, when i hear a thud & just *know*. so i go running back to the bedroom to find a very upset N trying to comfort a screaming val, who has (of course) fallen out of our bed. i grab val, just bc i know he'll calm down faster with mama, & say to N (& i'm not proud of this) "what did you do?" N admits he must have dozed off, & i calm down enough myself to realize he already feels crappy enough & tell N that it could have happened to anyone (& it could). val is none the worse for the wear, & now N is definetly up, so we all get up for the day.
we put the boys down for a nap around 8, both rack out until val has a monster poop (& i mean HUGE. the running-down-his-legs-exploding-out-the-back-all-the-way-up-to-his-neck kind of huge.) so i get up, (i had been trying to nap away a headache) & clean up val & ask N to give him a quick bath while i handle the laundry situation. instead of taking val out of the room where conrad is sleeping to bathe him, N bathes him next to con's bed. so now conrad is up.
we relocate the boys to the living room, & i ask N to watch them for a couple hours so i can nap. he agrees & i remind him to feed the boys the beef i've left out for them. we've talked before about how meat is a new texture for them & they need really little bites until they figure it out.
after being kept up by this stupid headache for an hour, i finally crash, only to be awakened at 10 by N searching for clothes bc conrad has puked up all his beef. i get up, & after quizzing N decide the problem was the monster bites daddy was feeding the dude. during this discussion, conrad also decides to blow out his diaper.
sigh.
i love my husband & he is a great dad. but sometimes i have to remind myself that he is trying & spends less time with them than i do, so there is a learning curve. sigh.
val wakes up at 6, con follows & both have no intention of going back to sleep. so i get up, grab val (who was yelling bc he can) so he'll shush, hand him to N (who is still in bed) & say "watch val" & go to get the living room baby ready, thinking i'll take the boys out & start the day so N can sleep in. i'm just finishing putting water on for tea, when i hear a thud & just *know*. so i go running back to the bedroom to find a very upset N trying to comfort a screaming val, who has (of course) fallen out of our bed. i grab val, just bc i know he'll calm down faster with mama, & say to N (& i'm not proud of this) "what did you do?" N admits he must have dozed off, & i calm down enough myself to realize he already feels crappy enough & tell N that it could have happened to anyone (& it could). val is none the worse for the wear, & now N is definetly up, so we all get up for the day.
we put the boys down for a nap around 8, both rack out until val has a monster poop (& i mean HUGE. the running-down-his-legs-exploding-out-the-back-all-the-way-up-to-his-neck kind of huge.) so i get up, (i had been trying to nap away a headache) & clean up val & ask N to give him a quick bath while i handle the laundry situation. instead of taking val out of the room where conrad is sleeping to bathe him, N bathes him next to con's bed. so now conrad is up.
we relocate the boys to the living room, & i ask N to watch them for a couple hours so i can nap. he agrees & i remind him to feed the boys the beef i've left out for them. we've talked before about how meat is a new texture for them & they need really little bites until they figure it out.
after being kept up by this stupid headache for an hour, i finally crash, only to be awakened at 10 by N searching for clothes bc conrad has puked up all his beef. i get up, & after quizzing N decide the problem was the monster bites daddy was feeding the dude. during this discussion, conrad also decides to blow out his diaper.
sigh.
i love my husband & he is a great dad. but sometimes i have to remind myself that he is trying & spends less time with them than i do, so there is a learning curve. sigh.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Stoner Sing Alongs
so i think the verdict for portraits is onesies & dipes, & jeans & t's for me & N. i'll just do slightly different onesies for the boys so they aren't matching... i know it's cute to have twins match, but we try really hard to make sure people see them as 2 distinct entities, not "the twins", & clothes is an easy way to do that. & i think i'll get my hair cut before then too... i'm kinda excited about the big chop. :) especially since now i mostly just look shaggy.
& here's my random question of the day: do you edit your music choices around your babies?
yesterday i was singing to conrad (who LOVES music) & N pointed out to me that the song i was singing (which was very cheery & upbeat, mind you) was about smoking up & getting stoned. oops. i am a GREAT mom.
inspired by that incident, i was perusing our ipod, & our playlists are not very kid-appropriate. i haven't done any editing yet, bc quite frankly, i like our music, but i suppose i'll have to eventually so the boys don't show up to preschool singing about the joys of pot. or sundry other inappropriate things. (lest you all think we're unfit parents, let me also point out here than N & I are by no stretch of the imagination stoners or whatever. but i did grow up in ypsi. for those of you who aren't familiar with my town, you'll just have to take my word that "ypsi" is explanation enough. think detroit, but smaller.)
& here's my random question of the day: do you edit your music choices around your babies?
yesterday i was singing to conrad (who LOVES music) & N pointed out to me that the song i was singing (which was very cheery & upbeat, mind you) was about smoking up & getting stoned. oops. i am a GREAT mom.
inspired by that incident, i was perusing our ipod, & our playlists are not very kid-appropriate. i haven't done any editing yet, bc quite frankly, i like our music, but i suppose i'll have to eventually so the boys don't show up to preschool singing about the joys of pot. or sundry other inappropriate things. (lest you all think we're unfit parents, let me also point out here than N & I are by no stretch of the imagination stoners or whatever. but i did grow up in ypsi. for those of you who aren't familiar with my town, you'll just have to take my word that "ypsi" is explanation enough. think detroit, but smaller.)
Monday, September 14, 2009
Co.caine & Control
So there are some days when I feel like the world's best mom... not to toot my own horn (although if I don't, who will?), but when things go well with multiples, you feel kinda like wonder woman. it's pretty sweet. I say that as a preface, bc by no means am I salty about being a SAHM right now. I'm not sick of my dudes, I like my "job", etc, etc.
BUT.... at the end of most days, I am DONE. with capital D. As in, if you aren't going to help make my life easier, (by reminding me I'm more than a mom, washing bottles, folding laundry, whatever), shut up & get out of my way. I don't begrudge the dudes a minute of my time with them, afterall I did sign up for this "mom" thing, but N is driving me nuts. I work all day while he's gone (& he works 12 hr shifts plus overtime, so for half the week, it's just me & the dudes-- he leaves before they're up & gets home after they're out.) & by "work" I mean I do ALL the house-related work & ALL the baby-related work. ALL. He comes home, eats & goes to bed. & that's ok-- I'm not the bread earner right now, & he works alot of hours. But I do expect some help at home on his days off. I NEED a break from the house & the babies, just to remind myself I'm still me & have a few hours without being attached to a child, & without having to make every decision that needs to be made.
I mean, love the man, but I sometimes I feel like he's becoming a 3rd child. He's started asking permission for everything. (Can I go fishing tomorrow? What pajamas are the boys wearing tonight? Should I feed the boys? etc.) I appreciate him asking me before he makes plans, but I hate being put in the veto position all the time. (i.e. "my wife said I can't.") drives me nuts. I don't mind if he goes out, & I write all upcoming acitivites on our family calander. All he has to do is look.
I just want him to use his brain & common sense & make some decisions. I mean really... the dudes wear the same thing to sleep every night. A sleep sack & varying levels of underclothes depending how on chilly it is. A 30 year old man should be able to make the pajama decision on his own. Likewise with the "should i feed the babies" dilemma. If the kid is hungry, feed him.
I married an strong, independent man who was capable of running his own life. 2 years later, I'm left wondering how he gradually ceded his decision making abilites to me.
Yeah, ok, I'm kind of a control freak, so I appreciate some of his deference to me, but I don't want to be deciding what the man eats for lunch for the rest of our lives, you know?
I've decided I'm going to start insisting he make some of these calls without me. Since I'm in school again now, just me being absent for some chunks of time should force some of it on him, & if things don't improve we'll have a sit down.
I love the man, he's mostly an amazingly wonderful guy, & I really want to nip this in the bud. Wish me luck!
Oh yeah, & the co.caine from the title? In some unrelated spousal bragging: My super star hubby single-handedly chased down (by car & on foot) a dealer with a kilo of co.caine & tackled him on the expressway. He's a little banged up bc the guy put up a fight, but I'm so proud of him... he hasn't lost a chase yet!
BUT.... at the end of most days, I am DONE. with capital D. As in, if you aren't going to help make my life easier, (by reminding me I'm more than a mom, washing bottles, folding laundry, whatever), shut up & get out of my way. I don't begrudge the dudes a minute of my time with them, afterall I did sign up for this "mom" thing, but N is driving me nuts. I work all day while he's gone (& he works 12 hr shifts plus overtime, so for half the week, it's just me & the dudes-- he leaves before they're up & gets home after they're out.) & by "work" I mean I do ALL the house-related work & ALL the baby-related work. ALL. He comes home, eats & goes to bed. & that's ok-- I'm not the bread earner right now, & he works alot of hours. But I do expect some help at home on his days off. I NEED a break from the house & the babies, just to remind myself I'm still me & have a few hours without being attached to a child, & without having to make every decision that needs to be made.
I mean, love the man, but I sometimes I feel like he's becoming a 3rd child. He's started asking permission for everything. (Can I go fishing tomorrow? What pajamas are the boys wearing tonight? Should I feed the boys? etc.) I appreciate him asking me before he makes plans, but I hate being put in the veto position all the time. (i.e. "my wife said I can't.") drives me nuts. I don't mind if he goes out, & I write all upcoming acitivites on our family calander. All he has to do is look.
I just want him to use his brain & common sense & make some decisions. I mean really... the dudes wear the same thing to sleep every night. A sleep sack & varying levels of underclothes depending how on chilly it is. A 30 year old man should be able to make the pajama decision on his own. Likewise with the "should i feed the babies" dilemma. If the kid is hungry, feed him.
I married an strong, independent man who was capable of running his own life. 2 years later, I'm left wondering how he gradually ceded his decision making abilites to me.
Yeah, ok, I'm kind of a control freak, so I appreciate some of his deference to me, but I don't want to be deciding what the man eats for lunch for the rest of our lives, you know?
I've decided I'm going to start insisting he make some of these calls without me. Since I'm in school again now, just me being absent for some chunks of time should force some of it on him, & if things don't improve we'll have a sit down.
I love the man, he's mostly an amazingly wonderful guy, & I really want to nip this in the bud. Wish me luck!
Oh yeah, & the co.caine from the title? In some unrelated spousal bragging: My super star hubby single-handedly chased down (by car & on foot) a dealer with a kilo of co.caine & tackled him on the expressway. He's a little banged up bc the guy put up a fight, but I'm so proud of him... he hasn't lost a chase yet!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
babies & lies
So we took the boys into the doc recently to get their result from the hip u/s they had done (perfectly normal-- no worries!) & the doc (our pedi's partner) asked how we liked parenthood so far. This was following a night of chaos, in which neither baby wanted to sleep anywhere but in our arms as we walked circles around the living room. So N & I kind of laughed & exchanged a look & said , "oh its great" without tons of enthusiasm. & the doc laughed & said "funny how quickly you start lying about that, isn't it?" & it's true-- we love our kids, & love being parents, but you don't really know what you're giving up until its gone. You think you have a grasp on it, but you don't. & then you fudge the truth about the ugly side of parenthood, just enough to encourage your friends to have kids too, so they can be in on the joke.
think about it-- do you tell your childless friends about your worst moments as a parent? when you haven't slept in 3 weeks & are considering just walking out of the house & leaving your spouse alone for several days so he can wrap his fat head around the misery that is a 24/7 life with screaming newborns. or the time you sat down in the middle of the kitchen & bawled hysterically bc you accidentally pinched your perfect new baby's perfect little toe in a zipper & made him scream? or the fact that you didn't shower for a week after you got home, & usually walk around with baby vomit in your hair?
don't get me wrong here, i love my boys. we fought so hard for these kids, & wouldn't give them up for anything. overall, my thoughts on mommy-hood this far are positive, but i do find myself shying away from talking about the negatives. i think its out of fear that i will be perceived as ungrateful, which is very far from the truth. is it just me, or does anyone else self-edit their thoughts on parenthood?
think about it-- do you tell your childless friends about your worst moments as a parent? when you haven't slept in 3 weeks & are considering just walking out of the house & leaving your spouse alone for several days so he can wrap his fat head around the misery that is a 24/7 life with screaming newborns. or the time you sat down in the middle of the kitchen & bawled hysterically bc you accidentally pinched your perfect new baby's perfect little toe in a zipper & made him scream? or the fact that you didn't shower for a week after you got home, & usually walk around with baby vomit in your hair?
don't get me wrong here, i love my boys. we fought so hard for these kids, & wouldn't give them up for anything. overall, my thoughts on mommy-hood this far are positive, but i do find myself shying away from talking about the negatives. i think its out of fear that i will be perceived as ungrateful, which is very far from the truth. is it just me, or does anyone else self-edit their thoughts on parenthood?
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