bc i am home alone with just my goobers today (N is working--we did our little mother's day celebration on friday with my folks), & i'm waiting for my tomatoes to roast for lunch (altho i have no chocolate shake, so i'm settling for chocolate milk) i actually have a minute to blog & be thoughtful, so please excuse the introspective post today.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
why i don't tell people we used clomid. (or, shut up & mind your own business)
i'm not ashamed or embarassed that we used clomid to concieve our boys. after the loss of our second son, i had a uterine infection from retained tissue, multiple D&C's & drugs to clear things up, & no longer ovulated on my own. you can't get pregnant without ovulating & clomid did that for us. we used it responsibly & under medical supervision, & with full knowledge that it might result in multiples (especially since fraternal twins already run in my family.) i am thrilled that it worked for us, & that it helped bring us our sweet boys.
when i was pregnant, i swore i would never be one of those women who wouldn't discuss her struggles, or who'd mind talking about what we needed to do to get pregnant.
& then we had twins, & the comments started.
my biggest pet peeve is other twin moms, who didn't need help concieving & therefore view their twins as the "real thing". as though somehow i am less of a twin mom bc i was on clomid when we concieved. moms who use IVF, IUI's, or plain old fertilty drugs are no less of a mother, & i hated hearing the smug insinuations of "fertile" moms of multiples. if someone concieves a singleton while using fertility treatments, she doesn't hear "well, MY baby is the real thing bc we concieved him without drugs" so why do those of us lucky enough to have multiples have to be subjected to it?
the other reason i quit talking about clomid is just the plain insensitivity of most people. for me, our need to use clomid will be forever linked to the loss of our son & a very dark time in life. in the time since then, unfortunately i've found that most people are not sensitive to the realities of pregnancy loss. through well-meaning ignorance, or just plain callousness, they make too many cruel comments & my skin just isn't thick enough to brush them off consistently.
so i no longer discuss conception with most people. strangers get a complete brush off, bc frankly, it really is none of their business. (to me a stranger asking how we concieved our boys is akin to asking what sexual position we used. it's intrusive & rude, & will always get a polite "i don't discuss that with people i don't know.") & for most others, unless it's approached with respect, sensitivity & compassion, i simply refuse to discuss it. i NEVER ask other moms how they concieved (with the exception of fertility & TTC forums, etc, where those questions are invited), bc i assume that if they wanted me to know, they would have shared that information with me.
privacy is already too devalued in our society, & i don't understant the need to pry into the most private details of a person's life, such as conception, & then comment on that person's choices. my sons are no less my sons bc we needed help to concieve them. i am their real mom, they ARE real people (all 4 of them, my boys in heaven & my boys here on earth), & if you can't approach a fellow mother with compassion & respect, then shut up & mind your own business.
when i was pregnant, i swore i would never be one of those women who wouldn't discuss her struggles, or who'd mind talking about what we needed to do to get pregnant.
& then we had twins, & the comments started.
my biggest pet peeve is other twin moms, who didn't need help concieving & therefore view their twins as the "real thing". as though somehow i am less of a twin mom bc i was on clomid when we concieved. moms who use IVF, IUI's, or plain old fertilty drugs are no less of a mother, & i hated hearing the smug insinuations of "fertile" moms of multiples. if someone concieves a singleton while using fertility treatments, she doesn't hear "well, MY baby is the real thing bc we concieved him without drugs" so why do those of us lucky enough to have multiples have to be subjected to it?
the other reason i quit talking about clomid is just the plain insensitivity of most people. for me, our need to use clomid will be forever linked to the loss of our son & a very dark time in life. in the time since then, unfortunately i've found that most people are not sensitive to the realities of pregnancy loss. through well-meaning ignorance, or just plain callousness, they make too many cruel comments & my skin just isn't thick enough to brush them off consistently.
so i no longer discuss conception with most people. strangers get a complete brush off, bc frankly, it really is none of their business. (to me a stranger asking how we concieved our boys is akin to asking what sexual position we used. it's intrusive & rude, & will always get a polite "i don't discuss that with people i don't know.") & for most others, unless it's approached with respect, sensitivity & compassion, i simply refuse to discuss it. i NEVER ask other moms how they concieved (with the exception of fertility & TTC forums, etc, where those questions are invited), bc i assume that if they wanted me to know, they would have shared that information with me.
privacy is already too devalued in our society, & i don't understant the need to pry into the most private details of a person's life, such as conception, & then comment on that person's choices. my sons are no less my sons bc we needed help to concieve them. i am their real mom, they ARE real people (all 4 of them, my boys in heaven & my boys here on earth), & if you can't approach a fellow mother with compassion & respect, then shut up & mind your own business.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Infertility vs. Recurrent Miscarriage
I realized when going through my blog reader this morning that we seem to be separated into 2 groups-- the infertiles & those of us who've suffered losses. Even among women who've experienced both, we seem to pick a "home" & stay there, identifying ourselves either as infertile or someone who's suffered a loss. My insurance even separates the two (infertility treatments are not covered, but treatment for recurrent pregnancy loss is.) So why the division?
Do we identify with the experience that affected us most profoundly? After 2 losses, N & I were technically infertile since I didn't ovulate on my own. (I won't pretend that our experience with infertility was anywhere near as extreme as so many other's & I do not mean to compare us with couples who've gone through injectables or IVF, I'm just making a point.) I still identified most with other women who'd suffered losses & didn't feel I belonged in the community of infertiles.
Even though our bout with "infertility" was technically brief, I felt it was compounded by the 2 years of losses, and yet I heard all the time from well-meaning folks (including some infertiles) that "at least we could get pregnant" as though 2 failed pregnancies in 2 years somehow made us one of the "fertiles." While I know that some women who consider themselves infertile yearn for the ability to get pregnant without meds, I also know women who can get pregnant who wish just as hard for the ability to STAY pregnant & would gladly use any meds available if it meant they could keep their child.
I'm not sure exactly where I'm headed with all this, other than to say that to my thinking at least, recurrent pregnancy loss IS a form of infertility. Does a women who goes through 2 years of medical treatments that result in one healthy pregnancy suffer any more than the woman who experiences repeated losses for 2 years before finally achieving a healthy pregnancy, or the woman who goes through 2 years of waiting on an adoptive parent list? I don't think so. & yet there remains a divide in the community. Why?
Do we identify with the experience that affected us most profoundly? After 2 losses, N & I were technically infertile since I didn't ovulate on my own. (I won't pretend that our experience with infertility was anywhere near as extreme as so many other's & I do not mean to compare us with couples who've gone through injectables or IVF, I'm just making a point.) I still identified most with other women who'd suffered losses & didn't feel I belonged in the community of infertiles.
Even though our bout with "infertility" was technically brief, I felt it was compounded by the 2 years of losses, and yet I heard all the time from well-meaning folks (including some infertiles) that "at least we could get pregnant" as though 2 failed pregnancies in 2 years somehow made us one of the "fertiles." While I know that some women who consider themselves infertile yearn for the ability to get pregnant without meds, I also know women who can get pregnant who wish just as hard for the ability to STAY pregnant & would gladly use any meds available if it meant they could keep their child.
I'm not sure exactly where I'm headed with all this, other than to say that to my thinking at least, recurrent pregnancy loss IS a form of infertility. Does a women who goes through 2 years of medical treatments that result in one healthy pregnancy suffer any more than the woman who experiences repeated losses for 2 years before finally achieving a healthy pregnancy, or the woman who goes through 2 years of waiting on an adoptive parent list? I don't think so. & yet there remains a divide in the community. Why?
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