bc i am home alone with just my goobers today (N is working--we did our little mother's day celebration on friday with my folks), & i'm waiting for my tomatoes to roast for lunch (altho i have no chocolate shake, so i'm settling for chocolate milk) i actually have a minute to blog & be thoughtful, so please excuse the introspective post today.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
Thank you Kate for sharing this. It was heart breaking but beautiful all at the same time. Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI don't know what healed me. I think what helped ME personally was I had other children. I still think about my Angel, but I don't dwell on it. *shrugs* not much help..
Am I healed? Hmm, I don't know. You read my latest post - I still struggle. But I am not in the depression like I was. I think that realizing my Samuel served many purposes in his short life makes me feel more at peace. Many people have donated money in his name to the NICU and that makes me smile - if his short life brought good to others, than I am happy. But I will never be totally healed from losing him - I just cope better now. And my Payton sure makes everything brighter.
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's Day to you, Kate.
(((Hugs))) I think having other children helped to take my mind off the losses Im still not completely over either loss and i think about the what ifs often.I dont think it is something that can be completely gotten over
ReplyDelete~hugs~ Kate.
ReplyDelete{{{HUGS}}} I am still looking. Hopefully by this time next year I'll have an answer.
ReplyDeleteEasy, it was Evie a thousand times over.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this Kate. Mother's Day had me thinking of my little lost ones too and all the hurting mommies out there.
I don't know if I am "healed". I still think about our little guy everyday. I think what has helped me move on though is Noah, then Eli...I think without them I would still be a wreck.
ReplyDelete