sex after baby

what do you think of it?

i know i'm ridiculously lucky that N (who i think is pretty hot. & still looks as good as he ever did, unlike yours truly) still wants me. i find my post-babies body about as un-hot as it's possible to be. i'm covered in angry red stretch marks, my belly sags from 2 years of being pregnant, i'm carrying about 20 extra pounds right now, my boobs leak. yeah, yeah, yeah, i should appreciate my body for the miracle it is & be proud i bore 3 beautiful, healthy kids. but let's be honest, that BS only goes so far. i know i'll get back in shape & lose the weight eventually, but in the meantime i really don't get how N can possibly still find me attractive.

& it's not like he's hounding me for sex. what with the c-section that didn't heal (all the problems with my incision have really delayed healing & it's super annoying for many reasons), the 3 babies (one a nursing newborn), & lack of sleep etc, he is well aware sex isn't happening for a while. but he is hoping for some alternative action, & honestly i just haven't been up for that either.

so we had a talk about all this & how sex is hard in the immediate post-baby months for mom, etc, etc. & what it comes down to is that sex is important in our marriage & i want to make a better effort to at least work in some intimate moments. really, all the man is asking for is some occasional make-out sessions, & maybe a little alternative gratification worked in once in a while. so i tell him i'm willing, & he gets upset that i'd take this on as an obligation, rather than as something i want. so i was trying to explain that for me, at least, obligation isn't necessarily a bad thing. i always enjoy it once i make myself do it, but i have to make myself make time to be my husband's wife. otherwise, being my kids' mom takes over & becomes an all-consuming role.

ultimately i think it's an effort worth making, & i'm glad N can put voice to what he needs, without having unrealistic expectations, but getting back in the saddle is always a bit rough for me. it took about 6 mos after the boys were born for me to feel enough myself to really jump into things with abandon again. (& then of course we got preggo with emma... go figure!) so while i'm hoping it doesn't take that long again, i'm sort of approaching post-baby sex this time around with a "if you build it, they will come" approach.

so i'm cheap...

i freaking love garage sales.

yeah, they can be skeezy & weird, but they can also be totally awesome. mostly i love a good deal. & we're now buying for 3 kids who grow ridiculously fast, i really hate paying full price for anything. so i really love garage sales.

our neighborhood had a sub-wide garage sale this morning, & my mom & i went our & hunted for kids stuff. i was looking for a play gym (a big one) for the boys, which i didn't find, (ok, i did find one, but they wanted $75!!! no way. some people seriously overprice their junk.) but i did find a bunch of brand new girls' clothes from a neighbor with twin girls for emma (at least 10 outfits, all NEW, altho they're mostly big sizes for this fall) & a TON of toys for the guys-- a train, a really cool block set, a giant tub of duplos, a "band kit" (drums, etc), a hammer & bench set, a talking phone, & some clothes. & i got all of it for under $10. & this stuff looks like it's never been used. i love it.

sometimes the sales are a bust, but today we rocked it & i feel like we might as well have stolen this stuff, it was so cheap.

i just finished disinfecting all the toys & am now totally psyched for the dudes to wake up & see their new haul. sometimes i think i love new toys as much as they do :)

home alone

with all 3 kids for the first time today.

got the boys down for a nap, & for some reason val seriously objected to emma hanging in a bouncy seat while we were doing the nap routine. massive hysterics ensued, so poor em had to hang in a basket (not literally HANG, you know what i mean!) this obviously won't work as a permanent solution, so i'm going to have to figure something else out to keep her happy & safely in earshot while i'm with the dudes. i'm hoping val gets over his objection to the bouncy seat, since em likes the vibrations & while i hate to hear any of my kids cry, there's something especially wrenching about a newborn cry.

& why am i home alone? N isn't back at work yet. he has strep throat. (yay!) so he's off at the doc, getting some (more) antis & then doing some minor grocery shopping, bc altho we went yesterday, we are incapable of remembering everything we need in one trip. (yes, even with a list.)

so now the guys are snoozing & em & i are are having some girl time (i.e. she's laying on me working on a snooze, since she will not fall asleep anywhere but while being held.) i know you're not "supposed" to hold your baby to sleep, but whatever. they're only this tiny once & i love baby snuggles. plus, she sleeps pretty well when we lay her down once she's out.

(sorry this has been a boring blog. i'm just going to keep soldiering on with posts until this place feels like "home" in hopes that something interesting in the way of inspriation will pop up again.)

a stunted blog

i feel sort of tongue-tied on this blog. i started writing on the old one with the intent that it wold be an outlet, kind of like an online journal, so it didn't matter if anyone other than me ever read it. i think i need to start thinking that way again or i may never write again. things have been happening in life that i could blog about, but this blog feels new & weird. it's silly, but the old one was like an old friend i could go confide in, & the conversation has become stunted & awkward since i moved here.

so in the interest of shaking off some dust & getting going, i'm going to ramble for a bit--

i'm still sort of on new-baby-autopilot. emma sleeps about 3 hrs at a stretch, but won't go down until around 1 in the morning. 9-1 is her fussy &/or awake time. so while i'm not totally sleep deprived (nothing like with the boys) i'm not at my sharpest either. i'd have to say overall that having 1 kiddo at a time is WAY easier than 2 (duh). i know this is seriosuly obnoxious of me to say, but it makes me wonder what parents of singletons are complaining about. yeah, every kid can be difficult, but one kid being difficult is a piece of cake. (i'm sure this statement will come back to bite me some day when i think i'm in for a peaceful time with just one of the kids. karma works like that.) or maybe it's that this is our 3rd, & a full term baby & we're just more confident in our own parenting this time around.

N has em right now, & the boys are napping, & altho it's nice (i guess) to have my self to myself, it feels almost wrong not to have a child attached to me somewhere. weird, right?

...

i cannot find a minute in which to organize my thoughts. ah, life with a newborn.

actually, if it were just emma, life would be a peach. it's the combo of 3 little goobers that's running me ragged. & this is with N home still!! :P

new blog, day 1

just testing to make sure all is working as it should over here.

stupid hackers. sigh. this solves the "going private" problem (i didn't really want to, but some nosey semi-family members were forcing the issue), but i'm still annoyed i had to change anything. hopefully this works out!

just for fun, here are some new kiddo pics! we have con eating blackberries, emma snoozing sweetly, & the guys riding their push car. (yeah, they actually climb on there together of their own accord. they also take turns pushing eachother in it-- it's almost too cute to be real. not that i'm biased or anthing.)

world cup

i am loving that there are a minimum of 6hrs of soccer on a day. awesome.

cabin fever

i am antsy. i need to get out of the house. but i am not yet capable of lifting anything other than emmma (altho thankfully i CAN finally lift her by myself!) & i am still on lots of drugs, nor can i move very fast, so driving or going anywhere with the dudes is pry not the best idea. i also am not yet up for walking any where more significant than around the house & after trying stairs this morning decided that it may be a few days yet before i can manage our second floor.
c-section complications are not fun. (& i don't want to hear any crap about having a c-section. it was safest for em & for me. we don't take risks with our kids' health. end of story. even knowing what would happen afterwards, i'd still chose the surgery again.)
anyways-- regardless of all that, i am bored & antsy & in need of some sort of action.





a couple personal notes:

karianne-- if you're reading, stay tuned. once i find my camera, i have some pics to share, just for you & miss K!

kristi from nebraska-- if you're reading, lurkers like you are the reason i'm dragging my feet about going private. i don't write with inspriation as my intent, but knowing it's been a source of entertainment or hope for you makes me feel like maybe i've done a tiny bit of good in the world, especially knowing how lonely i felt after losing our first boys. i hope you don't mind being mentioned in a post (if you do, i'll remove this) but i just wanted to say thanks for de-lurking long enough to comment!

updates

so the mini-surgery (raelly jsut re-opening the incision to drain the blood) went awesome yesterday-- no anesthesia & i was home in 2 hrs, just in time to feed a hungry emma. :)
so i'm still a bit sore, but the horrible burning feeling is gone & i am hopeful that in a week or so i'll be feeling better. as long as i don't need *real* surgery again, the biggest bummer over all this is that it's going to take longer to heal, but at least i can be home while i'm healing. i go back on monday & we'll see how things are looking then.

in other news-- i got our mo.by wrap today & so far really like it! yes, it's going to be warm this summer, but i mostly want it for around the house & i can crank our air conditioning as needed. i originally got the k't.an, but discovered that the size that fit the rest of me did NOT work with the boobs. or, it worked with the boobs, but left no room for baby. so i returned that one, which other wise i think i would have liked & went with the classic. emma is currently happily curled up in a "hug" hold right now. :)

at the risk of having to eat my words....

i am feeling a bit more optimistic today.
i have enough milk pumped for a couple feedings. 2 bottles (the max i can figure she'd need, altho i'm hoping she'll just sleep the whole time) will NOT permanently put her off the boob, since that's all i plan on offering the kid once i'm home.
once they stop the bleeding & the pressure is off the giant wound, i'm guessing (hoping) i'll feel loads better. kind of like when you finally get the splinter out, or pop that giant blister... right?
i am not a wuss & am thinking N will pry stress out during the procedure more than i will. (the man is a soldier when it comes to blood & gore, unless it's mine, in which case he tends to freak.)
both my parents are coming over to watch the kids, so despite my totally unfounded, but very real, anxiety over leaving my week-old baby for a couple hours, i know all 3 goobers will be well cared for & spoiled as much as possible during that time.

i am very much looking forward to this all being over.

brief updates & shameless request for good thoughts tomorrow...

the doc appt/mini-surgery for the screwed up incision is tomorrow at 1. i managed (with effort!) to pump plenty for emma in case she's hungry before we get back, but i'm hoping my mom can stave her off (or better yet, that she'll sleep) until i'm home.
i actually feel marginally better today, so i'm hoping if they take care of the bleeding, that i'll really start to feel decent again soon.

em is still doing great, & the boys are awesome as always. they're only mildly interested in their new sister, but we have finally managed to convince them that she is not, in fact, a kitty. i consider the discovery that we're all the sam species an important first step on the path to a healthy sibling relationship, so we're pretty pleased. :)

crushed.

i heard from my doc today, & while em is doing beautifully, i'm not doing quite so well. i've had alot of trouble with the incision from my c-section- in the hospital it wouldnt quit bleeding, & then it became increasingly painful & started oozing again once we got home. sunday night it bled through everything i was wearing, so i put a call in to my doc & went back to the hospital to have it checked out. they didn't find any infection (good) but found lots of bleeding behind the incision (not good). my doc called today fora status report & it's actually been hurting worse. when i told him that he said he thought we'd need to schedule an additional surgery to take care of it (i.e. drain it). i got off the phone & burst into tears, as another surgery means anesthesia, which means no feeding em & more time away from all of my kids.
it's been so hard being home & being unable to do anything. i can't play with my boys, i can't sit on the floor with them or feed them, or help put them to bed. i can't even lift my 8lb daughter. but i can feed her, which means the world to me, espcially since i wasn't able to BF the boys & it's pretty much the only mommy thing i'm capable of doing right now. i've been so proud & happy over how well she's eating. the BFing experience has been everything every says it wont be right away-- it doesn't hurt, she knows exactly how to latch, supply is great, it really coudn't be going smoother & i've been holding on to that as something that's going well, since it's all i can do. it's been keeping my frustration at bay, & the thought of losing that too (even temporarily) just crushed me.
i think my doc guessed how miserable i was at the idea of another hospital stay, so he called back & offered to try to do it with a local anesthetic so i could go home & BF the same day. i was warned that it could be pretty painful & if it was too bad i'd have to have surgery anyways. of course i opted for the local anesthetic & i am going to do my damndest to just deal with the pain. i want to heal, & i want to be home & be with my babies.
the "procedure" is scheduled for thurday afternoon (i asked to push it back a couple days so i can hopefully pump enough for the feeding or 2 i'll miss). i'll be glad to be out of pain, (i tried to describe it to my mom , & its most like being burned. it feels like some one is laying a piece of burning metal across my belly all the time), but i'm dreading this & i'm stressed about pumping screwing with my supply, or em liking bottles more than boob. i hate pumping.
my mom is going to stick around to help out, but she's also having a rough time, since she just found out a dear friend of hers died yesterday by choking during lunch. they had grown less close in recent years bc they no longer lived very near, but it's still hit her hard.
all of this combined with post partum hormones is making me very weepy.
oh, & it's my birthday.

p.s. yes, i'm still planning on going private, so if you haven't already, see the below post & drop me a comment.

going private...

i decided to open this back up briefly, to let you all know i think i'm going private. if you want to keep reading, please drop me a message in comments since i'll need your email to give you access. lurkers, you are welcome to keep reading, you'll just have to de-lurk long enough to let me know. i'm going private to protect the kids' privacy.

Emma

Her birth story really starts on Friday, when we went into L&D with contrax that i *knew* were different, but unfortunately (for me anyways!) weren't making fast enough progress to justify moving up the c-section, so we got a shot of terb.utaline & sent home, where the contrax slowed enough for me to sleep friday night & then persisted through sunday night. i know it sounds weird, but when i went to bed sunday night, i just had a feeling she'd be coming that night. i was up every half hour or so, & then at 2am got woken up with killer contrax, tried to tough it out for a half hour or so (lord knows what i was thinking!) & then called my mom to come over & stay with the guys. N in the meantime had gotten up with the boys, & by 330am we were on our way to the hospital. N called our OB on the way there, who asked no questions & just said he'd meet us there.
i'd been hoping to avoid the whole painful labor thing on the front end, since i knew recovery from surgery would hurt, but no such luck. L&D was super quiet tho & my doc rocks, so we only had to wait til 5 to head into surgery. the spinal was a piece of cake & N & i were talking & laughing thru the whole surgery-- it was a VERY different feeling than when we delivered the boys. much more peaceful, & low(er) stress. Em was born at 533am, she got to stay with me & N all thru the 2hrs i had to be in recovery. it has been beyond wonderful to actually KEEP my baby with me this whole time. i feel like alot of people take for granted being able to hold their baby right away, but after having NICU babies, i've really treasured these first few days with our girl.

She

is here!
Emma X., May 31, 2010, 5:33am. 8lbs 10oz, 20 inches, & perfect in every way.