crushed.

i heard from my doc today, & while em is doing beautifully, i'm not doing quite so well. i've had alot of trouble with the incision from my c-section- in the hospital it wouldnt quit bleeding, & then it became increasingly painful & started oozing again once we got home. sunday night it bled through everything i was wearing, so i put a call in to my doc & went back to the hospital to have it checked out. they didn't find any infection (good) but found lots of bleeding behind the incision (not good). my doc called today fora status report & it's actually been hurting worse. when i told him that he said he thought we'd need to schedule an additional surgery to take care of it (i.e. drain it). i got off the phone & burst into tears, as another surgery means anesthesia, which means no feeding em & more time away from all of my kids.
it's been so hard being home & being unable to do anything. i can't play with my boys, i can't sit on the floor with them or feed them, or help put them to bed. i can't even lift my 8lb daughter. but i can feed her, which means the world to me, espcially since i wasn't able to BF the boys & it's pretty much the only mommy thing i'm capable of doing right now. i've been so proud & happy over how well she's eating. the BFing experience has been everything every says it wont be right away-- it doesn't hurt, she knows exactly how to latch, supply is great, it really coudn't be going smoother & i've been holding on to that as something that's going well, since it's all i can do. it's been keeping my frustration at bay, & the thought of losing that too (even temporarily) just crushed me.
i think my doc guessed how miserable i was at the idea of another hospital stay, so he called back & offered to try to do it with a local anesthetic so i could go home & BF the same day. i was warned that it could be pretty painful & if it was too bad i'd have to have surgery anyways. of course i opted for the local anesthetic & i am going to do my damndest to just deal with the pain. i want to heal, & i want to be home & be with my babies.
the "procedure" is scheduled for thurday afternoon (i asked to push it back a couple days so i can hopefully pump enough for the feeding or 2 i'll miss). i'll be glad to be out of pain, (i tried to describe it to my mom , & its most like being burned. it feels like some one is laying a piece of burning metal across my belly all the time), but i'm dreading this & i'm stressed about pumping screwing with my supply, or em liking bottles more than boob. i hate pumping.
my mom is going to stick around to help out, but she's also having a rough time, since she just found out a dear friend of hers died yesterday by choking during lunch. they had grown less close in recent years bc they no longer lived very near, but it's still hit her hard.
all of this combined with post partum hormones is making me very weepy.
oh, & it's my birthday.

p.s. yes, i'm still planning on going private, so if you haven't already, see the below post & drop me a comment.