snapshots of our weekend, (alternatively titled: a peek at life with N)

friday night: emma hasn't slept more than 20 minutes at stretch in the last 24 hrs, meaning i never went to bed thursday night. after being up for over a day straight, i am totally fried. so whem em starts crying at midnight, after i've just fed her, changed her & got her to sleep for the 4th time, i roll over in bed & tell N "your turn." to which he responds "let her cry". (you all KNOW our stance on CIO, & this was a hysterical, teething, no way i can possibly comfort myself sort of cry. not to mention N KNOWS how long i've been awake & knows it is physically impossible for me to sleep when the baby is screaming.) returning to the story-- i can't even speak, i'm so mad at him, so i roll over, grab my pillow & proceed to beat him over the head with it, then hurl the pillow across the room, & calmly get up to rock emma. (who goes back to sleep like a champ & stays asleep this time.) meanwhile, N stares at me blankly for a minute, then gets up, retrieves the pillow, & puts it back in place. no one speaks of the incident again until the following afternoon, when i tell him what he *should* have done, & he acknowledges he may not have handled the situation with the sensitivity it required.

saturday afternoon: i order myself a kindle with my share of the $$ his folks gave us for christmas. usually we just throw it in savings, but this year i spent it & have been feeling ridiculously guilty ever since. (as in-- "how can i spend this money all on myself, for something no one else can use, when we have 3 kids, & a ton of pets, & so on & so forth. i know, it's just silly mommy guilt, but there it is.) i feel so bad about ordering this thing, that i actually go back online sunday to cancel the order. N catches me at it & forbids me to cancel it & insists that i get it & enjoy it. i still feel guilty, but agree, & he spends the rest of the weekend tormenting me with comments like "sorry val, you'll have to stretch that diaper out an extra hour-- mama bought a kindle." & "i don't know if you can eat dinner tonight conrad-- we may not have enough, bc mama bought a kindle." & on, & on.

sunday night: as i'm kneading bread at the counter, N sneaks up behind me, wraps his arms around my flour-covered self & whispers "you are my perfect", before heading into the living room to dance with the kids.

sometimes life is a beautiful thing.

breastfeeding is ruining my marriage

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sex after baby

what do you think of it?

i know i'm ridiculously lucky that N (who i think is pretty hot. & still looks as good as he ever did, unlike yours truly) still wants me. i find my post-babies body about as un-hot as it's possible to be. i'm covered in angry red stretch marks, my belly sags from 2 years of being pregnant, i'm carrying about 20 extra pounds right now, my boobs leak. yeah, yeah, yeah, i should appreciate my body for the miracle it is & be proud i bore 3 beautiful, healthy kids. but let's be honest, that BS only goes so far. i know i'll get back in shape & lose the weight eventually, but in the meantime i really don't get how N can possibly still find me attractive.

& it's not like he's hounding me for sex. what with the c-section that didn't heal (all the problems with my incision have really delayed healing & it's super annoying for many reasons), the 3 babies (one a nursing newborn), & lack of sleep etc, he is well aware sex isn't happening for a while. but he is hoping for some alternative action, & honestly i just haven't been up for that either.

so we had a talk about all this & how sex is hard in the immediate post-baby months for mom, etc, etc. & what it comes down to is that sex is important in our marriage & i want to make a better effort to at least work in some intimate moments. really, all the man is asking for is some occasional make-out sessions, & maybe a little alternative gratification worked in once in a while. so i tell him i'm willing, & he gets upset that i'd take this on as an obligation, rather than as something i want. so i was trying to explain that for me, at least, obligation isn't necessarily a bad thing. i always enjoy it once i make myself do it, but i have to make myself make time to be my husband's wife. otherwise, being my kids' mom takes over & becomes an all-consuming role.

ultimately i think it's an effort worth making, & i'm glad N can put voice to what he needs, without having unrealistic expectations, but getting back in the saddle is always a bit rough for me. it took about 6 mos after the boys were born for me to feel enough myself to really jump into things with abandon again. (& then of course we got preggo with emma... go figure!) so while i'm hoping it doesn't take that long again, i'm sort of approaching post-baby sex this time around with a "if you build it, they will come" approach.

10 reasons i love my life right now (or: a break from the whiney preggo rants)

1. conrad is GAINING weight! he's spunkier than ever & definetly feeling his wheaties lately, & i am SO thrilled. val has his playmate back, & both my guys are on the growth charts! :)



2. i got the start of my garden today.



3. N & i got to go to breakfast all by ourselves this morning, thanks to my wonderful mom. i can't remember the last time we went anywhere together without kids. it was awesome.



4. N finally opened up about what's been stressing him. (the expense of another baby. i figured that was it, but am glad he finally TALKED to me about it. we re-did our budget & planned out our next few months & i think he's feeling more in control again.)



5. despite my total lack of confidence in my looks lately & the fact that i've gained a ton of weight, lots more stretch marks & permanent dark circles under my eyes, for about an hour today my husband made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.



6. the guys are learning so much lately, everyday they find something new & it is an absolute joy to watch them discover the world.



7. we got our first peek at 3's face. there was still an arm thrown across it, but from what i could see, 3's going to be pretty cute!



8. we have (almost everything) we need for 3!!

9. N is marinating ribs right now for a bbq tomorrow :)

10. i actually had a few spare moments to reflect on how incredibly lucky i am to live this life. uplifting introspective moments have become rare for me lately, & it was nice to be reminded how lucky we really are.

the big SNIP SNIP

i finally worked up the courage to talk to N about his anticipated vasectomy. other than my initial knee-jerk reaction when i found out we were expecting #3 just 6 mos after the dudes were born, i've felt pretty solidly anti-vas.ectomy, but have been afraid to say anything. (& i know exactly how awful i am for feeling that way after being lucky enough to wind up with a surprise pg so many women would kill for. it was rotten of me, & i feel like an awful mother for even admitting it, but it's how i felt. i wasn't ready & was pretty much just shocked. needless to say, i'm happily anticipating 3's arrival NOW, but it took me a few months to get there. i'm sorry for acting like a jerk about it, it's just how i felt.)

i don't know WHY exactly i was afraid to bring it up, but i just had this dread of talking about it to N. i think in part, bc i have a hard time justifying my feelings. we had always talked about 3 kids, but i also always wanted a big family & 3 just doesn't feel "big" to me. i didn't want to re-nig on our pre-marriage kids discussion, but i also wanted to be honest with my husband, & honest with myself. i don't want regrets 10 yrs down the road, & i don't want to resent him for preventing us from having kids or him to resent me for pushing a 4th child. & while i'm not sure i WANT #4, i'm even less sure that i DON'T. i just don't want to make that kind of decision while i'm a super-emotional preggo, he's freaked out about work, & we're both facing 3 kids under 2.

so here's my list of reasons why a vas.ectomy is not a good idea right now (obviously entirely from my point of view):

1. it creeps me out. i have a paranoid (but very real) fear that something will go wrong with the surgery. even tho it's low-risk, outpatient stuff, i still really hate the idea of any one tampering with my husband's p.enis. it's a huge turn-off for me, & i can't quite place my finger on why.
2. i *think* i might want another kid. (& this is the biggest part of why i don't want to do anything permanent.)
3. i don't want to make a permanent decision as a response to a surprise pregnancy. i mentioned above my reaction to finding out about 3, & i don't want N to rush out & get snipped in response to an "oops". life changing decisions shouldn't be made based on emotions, & i think we're both (him especially) pretty stressed at the idea of adding a newborn to the mix right now with the dudes just barely heading into toddler-hood.

so that's what i finally shared with N. i didn't ask him NOT to get cut. in the end, it's his body & a spouse's feelings go only so far. instead, i asked him to postpone things, & reconsider a year after #3 gets here. i told him we'd look into a more certain form of bc (he's understandably gun-shy of pills) & he agreed to postpone the decision. which i feel is a good step.

so while nothing is finally resolved, i feel loads better with my feelings out in the open, & N took it really well. he agreed right away, & didn't argue at all, & i absolutely love that he was so understanding about my anti-vasec.tomy woes. (big sigh of relief here!)

an ode to the first love of my life

ok, maybe not an ode, since i'm not much for poems, but at least a post devoted to him, since its almost valentine's day & all.

why i love my husband:

• he is not romantic. he's brought me flowers exactly twice in all the time we've known each other (once on our first date, & once when i was in the hospital recovering from an apendectomy), he doesn't do sweet mushy things or call me pet names, he almost never tells me i'm beautiful, & he frequently forgets to do things like get me a christmas or birthday gift. (& now you're all wondering why i love this man, right?) well, what he does do is share my sense of humor, love my family as his own, think it's "cool" that my favorite tv show is antiques roadshow, eat all of my cooking experiments (even the vegetarian ones) without complaint, collects & puts away every night all the random odds & ends that i've "lost" during the course of the day, willingly puts his life on the line every day he goes to work, tries his best every day to be a good cop, a good husband, son & father, & never ends a conversation without telling me that he loves me. to me, that's REAL romance.
• he also makes the best carrot cake in the entire world, as well as a mean cheesecake & totally amazing red velvet cake.
• he never judges my family members who are fighting addiction, & is nothing but supportive both of me & of them.
• he loves animals & is secretly a bigger softie than i am when it comes to rescue critters.
• our sons adore him.
• he's HOT.
• & finally, he loves me. how do you not love that?

so that's my hubby. why do you love yours?

Kobe & Candy

we did indeed get to go out for our anniversary/N's birthday dinner last night & it was delicious! we went to a super fancy steak house (the kind of place where you have separate waiters for water & drinks & your meal & to bus... it was like havinga small army wait on our us!) anyways, it was REALLY nice. we needed those 2 hrs to ourselves. bad.

both N & i are kind of foodies, but since i left chicago & the big money, we don't get to eat out like we used to & this was really a treat. we had kobe beef for the 1st time, & while i never previously really understood the fuss, HOLY CRAP, do i get it now! it was simply the most delicious thing i have ever tasted. if you aren't familiar with kobe, it's this fancy japanese beef, they're "special" cows, who get massages & lots of beer & a special diet, operating on the theory that a happy cow is a tasty cow. & man, those were some happy cows! it actually melted it your mouth. YUM!

the night didn't end exactly as i'd hoped, since i fell asleep waiting for N to get off the phone with his folks, but it was nice none-the-less. sometimes you just need a reminder that you're a grown-up, with grown-up tastes. today, however, i'm back to hanging with my babies & snacking on baby food :)

the boys are in the midst of dropping off to lala land, & N is out hunting bambi's dad, so for the moment it's just me. (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

& i've cracked into our halloween candy. i always buy good candy, in case we get stuck with leftovers, & this year the kids are in danger of not having any chocolate left by tomorrow night. :)

oh, & i've been wearing maternity pants. sigh. the bella band still works right now too, but since i can't even zip my jeans a little bit, i have to be extra careful with it or i put on an inadvertant show. i can't believe i'm in maternity clothes at 8(ish) weeks with a singleton. yeah, it's technically my 4th pregnancy (only the boys went to term), but GEEZ. N pointed out to me last night that i've reached the "gee, she looks like she might be pregnant, but i better not congratulate her in case she's just fat" stage. isn't my hubby a sweetie? :P sigh.... i need to start taking belly pics, although i was anticipating this belly being so much smaller than the twin belly. that may not be the case in fact tho. i'm either growing a monster or plain old getting fat. which is what it is- i'll lose it eventually.
i just want to hold out another 4 or 5 weeks to break the news & face the storm. why do people have to be so judgy? oh well, i'm going to go have an almond joy. or maybe a cupcake. :)

a glimpse into life as a cop's wife

Maybe once a week, N comes home & when i ask him how his day went, he'll answer "i had a foot chase/car chase/fight today." Bc he loves this stuff, i always smile & say "wow, how cool! tell me what happened!" & he launches into a detailed description of his exploits.

some background about where we live: ypsi is a blue-collar, lower to lower middle class kind of town. we have some nice neighborhoods & areas & probably more than our share of trailor parks & mini-ghettos. some of the scarier parts of town are in what is known locally as "the willow", probably bc of its proximity to the old Ford's plant at willow run. anyways, parts of the willow are nearly completely black. (now before anyone gets up on their racial high-horse, being black has nothing to do with living in the willow or being poor or anything else. N & i also live in a mostly black neighborhood & we really like it here. it just happens to be a fact that the world is not totally integrated. racism still extsts & it exists in ypsi just like anywhere else. sucky, but true.) the willow, especially the black areas of the willow, are notoriously anti-cop, & not entirely without reason. last summer there was a really ugly incident where an african-american man in custody of the local sherriff dept died in the street, allegedly as a result of mistreatment. now, N & the state police had nothing to do with the incident, but bc they are cops, the anti-police attitude affects them as well.

so a couple days ago, N comes home & says he had a foot chase & fight. i ask how it went, here's what he tells me: he was making a traffic stop for bad plates in the willow. the man pulls into a driveway where lots of guys are milling around & tries to pretend like he doesn't know N was tailing him or talking to him. some dialog ensues, & the man gets beliegerant & refuses to follow N to his cruiser, & ultimately takes off on foot. N is pretty quick, so he catches the guy going over a fence & a fight follows. Now, N is a big guy-- 6'3", 200lbs & this man is maybe 5'9" & 160, but N can't control him. he can neutralize the man, but the guy has apparently had fight training, so he's manuevering out of N's holds. They scrap for about 5 minutes, N takes a few hits & finally pins the guy without resorting to his club or mace. he tells me its the 1st time he's ever not been able to totally handle a guy in a fight. (i believe him. i've seen him take down guys with a good 50lbs on him.) Now the general law is that police can stay one step ahead of their attacker. so once the man hit N, N cold have resorted to his weapons using non-deadly force. he chose not to, in part bc he was a white cop alone in a black neighborhood, fighting in the midst of a pretty large group of men, several of whom he's arrested in the past.

at this point in the story, i break with my usual role of confident wife, convinced of her husband's superior abilities, to stop N & say what the hell were you thinking? why didn't you use your club? you have a family to come home to, etc. he points out that it all turned out ok, & several of the guys in the background were actually telling the man to give up, that N was a good cop & he'd be treated fairly. i sigh, thinking, yeah but what if it hadn't turned out that way? & remind myself that i have to trust N's judgement on this stuff & that this is all part of being married to N.

i don't know why i'm relating this story, other than the fact that for the first time in a long time, i was afraid for N while he was telling it to me. generally, i don't let fear for him be a part of our lives. this is his chosen profession, he loves it, & he can't be effective at it if he's worried bc his wife is scared all the time, & i don't want our kids raised in a climate of fear. so it's not that i'm callous or willfully blind to the dangers he faces, i just chose to exist in a world where my husband will come home every night. every so often tho, the worries i hide seep through the cracks.


as an aside-- the man turned out to be high on all kinds of stuff, which is probably why he was so difficult to control.

...

I am laying on the couch in a state of complete exhaustion, & when con started crying a few minutes ago, N came racing by me (from upstairs) at full tilt so that he'd get there before i could get up. i love my husband.

Co.caine & Control

So there are some days when I feel like the world's best mom... not to toot my own horn (although if I don't, who will?), but when things go well with multiples, you feel kinda like wonder woman. it's pretty sweet. I say that as a preface, bc by no means am I salty about being a SAHM right now. I'm not sick of my dudes, I like my "job", etc, etc.
BUT.... at the end of most days, I am DONE. with capital D. As in, if you aren't going to help make my life easier, (by reminding me I'm more than a mom, washing bottles, folding laundry, whatever), shut up & get out of my way. I don't begrudge the dudes a minute of my time with them, afterall I did sign up for this "mom" thing, but N is driving me nuts. I work all day while he's gone (& he works 12 hr shifts plus overtime, so for half the week, it's just me & the dudes-- he leaves before they're up & gets home after they're out.) & by "work" I mean I do ALL the house-related work & ALL the baby-related work. ALL. He comes home, eats & goes to bed. & that's ok-- I'm not the bread earner right now, & he works alot of hours. But I do expect some help at home on his days off. I NEED a break from the house & the babies, just to remind myself I'm still me & have a few hours without being attached to a child, & without having to make every decision that needs to be made.
I mean, love the man, but I sometimes I feel like he's becoming a 3rd child. He's started asking permission for everything. (Can I go fishing tomorrow? What pajamas are the boys wearing tonight? Should I feed the boys? etc.) I appreciate him asking me before he makes plans, but I hate being put in the veto position all the time. (i.e. "my wife said I can't.") drives me nuts. I don't mind if he goes out, & I write all upcoming acitivites on our family calander. All he has to do is look.
I just want him to use his brain & common sense & make some decisions. I mean really... the dudes wear the same thing to sleep every night. A sleep sack & varying levels of underclothes depending how on chilly it is. A 30 year old man should be able to make the pajama decision on his own. Likewise with the "should i feed the babies" dilemma. If the kid is hungry, feed him.
I married an strong, independent man who was capable of running his own life. 2 years later, I'm left wondering how he gradually ceded his decision making abilites to me.
Yeah, ok, I'm kind of a control freak, so I appreciate some of his deference to me, but I don't want to be deciding what the man eats for lunch for the rest of our lives, you know?
I've decided I'm going to start insisting he make some of these calls without me. Since I'm in school again now, just me being absent for some chunks of time should force some of it on him, & if things don't improve we'll have a sit down.
I love the man, he's mostly an amazingly wonderful guy, & I really want to nip this in the bud. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah, & the co.caine from the title? In some unrelated spousal bragging: My super star hubby single-handedly chased down (by car & on foot) a dealer with a kilo of co.caine & tackled him on the expressway. He's a little banged up bc the guy put up a fight, but I'm so proud of him... he hasn't lost a chase yet!

i am a packrat.

i admit it.
we cleaned up alot of the crap in our house this weekend. stuff we've each been moving from home to home for years, & figured since we're now all "settled" & grown-up, we should purge. so we did. & for me, i was pretty ruthless, but n & i have very different theories on "ruthless". he tosses everything. & i mean everything. he's thrown out brand new books & mo vies. like never opened. & then 2 months later, wonders why they're gone. granted, i tend toward the other extreme, but at least i don't throw out stuff we still use.
needless to say, we had a few spats this weekend. one over my super fancy $200 jeans from my past life, that will probably never fit again, but to me are some kind of symbol of my former hotness (or something.), another over our wedding pics, & conrad's prevacid, both of which n tried to toss. it's like the man goes into hyperdrive, & if its not bolted down, it's gone. so i agreed to sell the jeans if he stayed far far away from all things baby & wedding related.
he also insisted that i keep some trashy bar-hopping clothes (that might as well be lingerie) from my college days. i have to pause here & say that i have plenty of nice, classy sexy little nothings hanging in my closet. what is it with dudes & sleazy outfits? i don't mind dressing up, but looking like a hooker past her prime is not my idea of hot. sigh... i guess as long as he's happy... whatever.

& the boys...
are both great. napping right now, con next to me & val in my lap. i don't care if this is spoiling them, they're sleeping dammit!!!!

Sex After Babies

For those of you don't want to hear about my sex life, quit reading now. For the rest of you, sorry guys, but I have to vent!

For those who don't know, I was on pelvic rest basically my entire pregnancy with the guys, at first due to baby A's (now known as Val) placenta being over my cervix, & later due to the preterm labor scare. & then there was the 6 week wait post c-section. Since then, we manage to get it on maybe once a week. N is feeling deprived, since prior to the pregnancy, we were an every day couple. He's been fairly patient, but I know he's frustrated, & in turn I'm getting frustrated with him for pouting over the lack of sex.

Case in point: Last night, we got the boys to bed early & jumped in bed ourselves for some fun. Of course, as the mommies among you know, as soon as we got in bed, the guys woke up & started crying for food. & there is no way I can focus on sex when my little ones need me, you know? Hungry babies come first, in my mind. So we get up to feed the guys, which ends up being an hour long process bc of Con's reflux attacks & Val's huge appetite. By the time they're back in bed, I am exhausted & sex is the last thing on my mind. (Did I mention I haven't slept more than four hours for the past week? & I mean broken up 4 hours, not a 4 hour stretch. & I let N take a giant 4 hour nap yesterday afternoon bc he was getting super cranky. So yeah, I was (& am) really tired.) N, of course, wants to pick up where we left off, & when I say I have to sleep, he gets all disapointed & pouty. Which leaves me feeling guilty, so I try to explain to him that it's not that I don't want to have sex, it's that I can't be all things to all 3 men in my life at all times right now-- there just aren't enough hours in the day to keep them all happy & still have time to sleep, let alone 2 minutes to myself. I know the "mom" role is taking precedence over the "wife" role right now, & I feel bad about that, but I'm doing the best I can.

I'm on my own for 14 hours a day with the boys when N works, & when he's home, I'm still the one doing laundry, washing bottles, doing the grocery shopping, the cooking, & taking care of the critters at least 80% of the time. I have to prompt him to do baby things (i.e. it's time to change the babies, it's time to feed the babies, play with the babies, whatever.) He is totally willing to hang out with the guys, but he's not very self-motivated. (& then I second guess myself, & think maybe it's just me being all type-A about this stuff. But seriously, if the baby is hungry, you feed him. you don't wait until he's screaming hysterically. seems obvious to me, but maybe it's not.) & yes, N works & I don't, so the majority of the baby care is my "job" & I don't mind doing it, but I feel then he shouldn't be surprised when I'm exhausted at the end of the day & not up for sex.

& finally, (this is about to be TMI, sorry), but sex still hurts for me. It's fun during, but not so fun after. It's nothing permanent & is totally related to me still breastfeeding & the birth control I'm on right now, but still, it sucks. & knowing that I'm going to be really uncomfortable for a good while afterwards does not provide much incentive to get it on frequently.

& N really is (mostly) understanding about all this. Or at least he says the right things, but it's just lip service. I know he's annoyed but just won't say so. I would almsot rather he just b****ed about it like any other guy instead of playing the martyr with me. It's a temporary problem for pete's sake, at some point I will stop breastfeeding, the boys will start sleeping & I can switch birthcontrol pills. But for now, I'd appreciate a bit more understanding & a bit less pouting.

If he was serious about getting more, then an offer to let me nap, or have an hour to myself, or even just initiating some baby care on his own without me prompting him would go a long way towards getting me in bed more often. Honestly, at this point, although it is still fun during & I know it's good for our relationship, sex has become just one more thing I have to do to keep my family happy. It's a job. & I know that really offends N, but at least I'm still willing to have sex, right? Why can't he just take advantage of the fact that I'm willing, without being insulted about how I shouldn't feel "obligated"? Of course, I'm obligated, I'm his wife! If I really didn't want to, I wouldn't.

I know this has turned into a really long rant, but I have one more complaint, & it has nothing to do with N. I know that I should consider myself lucky that my husband still finds me attractive enough to want to have sex with me, despite the fact that my a** has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like a detailed map of Detroit. (Either that, or he's so desperate I could be Medusa & he'd take his chances just to get laid!) But I don't feel attractive. I feel pudgy, & totally tore up from the neck down. Having twins destroys your body if you're short & skinny, & I'm only 2 1/2 mos. post delivery. Don't get me wrong, the boys are absolutely worth it, & I'm sure it will get better with time, but feeling super ugly does NOT inspire one to get naked, you know? Of course, that's my own personal problem & exists just in my own head, but it's still there. N was never one to give alot of compliments, & I never needed them before, but it sure might help to hear some now. Although asking for them jsut seems pathetic, you know?