the big SNIP SNIP

i finally worked up the courage to talk to N about his anticipated vasectomy. other than my initial knee-jerk reaction when i found out we were expecting #3 just 6 mos after the dudes were born, i've felt pretty solidly anti-vas.ectomy, but have been afraid to say anything. (& i know exactly how awful i am for feeling that way after being lucky enough to wind up with a surprise pg so many women would kill for. it was rotten of me, & i feel like an awful mother for even admitting it, but it's how i felt. i wasn't ready & was pretty much just shocked. needless to say, i'm happily anticipating 3's arrival NOW, but it took me a few months to get there. i'm sorry for acting like a jerk about it, it's just how i felt.)

i don't know WHY exactly i was afraid to bring it up, but i just had this dread of talking about it to N. i think in part, bc i have a hard time justifying my feelings. we had always talked about 3 kids, but i also always wanted a big family & 3 just doesn't feel "big" to me. i didn't want to re-nig on our pre-marriage kids discussion, but i also wanted to be honest with my husband, & honest with myself. i don't want regrets 10 yrs down the road, & i don't want to resent him for preventing us from having kids or him to resent me for pushing a 4th child. & while i'm not sure i WANT #4, i'm even less sure that i DON'T. i just don't want to make that kind of decision while i'm a super-emotional preggo, he's freaked out about work, & we're both facing 3 kids under 2.

so here's my list of reasons why a vas.ectomy is not a good idea right now (obviously entirely from my point of view):

1. it creeps me out. i have a paranoid (but very real) fear that something will go wrong with the surgery. even tho it's low-risk, outpatient stuff, i still really hate the idea of any one tampering with my husband's p.enis. it's a huge turn-off for me, & i can't quite place my finger on why.
2. i *think* i might want another kid. (& this is the biggest part of why i don't want to do anything permanent.)
3. i don't want to make a permanent decision as a response to a surprise pregnancy. i mentioned above my reaction to finding out about 3, & i don't want N to rush out & get snipped in response to an "oops". life changing decisions shouldn't be made based on emotions, & i think we're both (him especially) pretty stressed at the idea of adding a newborn to the mix right now with the dudes just barely heading into toddler-hood.

so that's what i finally shared with N. i didn't ask him NOT to get cut. in the end, it's his body & a spouse's feelings go only so far. instead, i asked him to postpone things, & reconsider a year after #3 gets here. i told him we'd look into a more certain form of bc (he's understandably gun-shy of pills) & he agreed to postpone the decision. which i feel is a good step.

so while nothing is finally resolved, i feel loads better with my feelings out in the open, & N took it really well. he agreed right away, & didn't argue at all, & i absolutely love that he was so understanding about my anti-vasec.tomy woes. (big sigh of relief here!)