if you weren't an "only", did you feel that your parents (or either parent) had a favorite child?
i think i used to be my dad's favorite, but with sobriety he has become more even keeled, which i think both my brother & i appreciate, & i don't feel like he has a favorite kid now. hoever, i've always felt that my mom did (& does) & it's never been me. if you know me at all, you know that i adore my mom & we have an amazing relationship, so saying she has a "favorite" sounds worse than i intend it to. so let me try to explain further. i don't think she loves my brother more. but she has always catered to him, celebrated him & treasured time spent with him in a way she never has with me.
some examples: 1) if he calls while i am on the phone with her, she will hang up with me to speak with him. if i call while she's on the phone with him, she won't answer the phone, & will instead call me back later. 2) (& the only time i've ever really been furious with her) when the boys were still in the NICU, i wouldn't allow my brother in to see them bc he was recovering from the flu, & she demanded we let him in. we didn't, of course, & she was genuinely upset that we put our sons over hers, altho she never phrased it that way.)
i wonder now if it has anything to do with him being the baby, or a boy, or if it's bc i was a pretty independent kid, or if maybe it's bc he had such terrible asthma as a child that he was hospitalized frequently. i know first hand that if you have a sick child, it's very easy to become preoccupied with the sicky at the expense of your less "needy" children.
& i wonder if having a percieved "favorite" is an inevitable fact of parenting more than one child. it's human nature to identify more with some people than others (think about it-- isn't there a parent or sibling you felt closer to, despite that fact that you presumably loved both of your parents, etc? it's just how people work.) i could NEVER, NEVER pick between my children, but i know that as they grow, i will feel closer to one or more of them than others at times, & i wonder if i will be able to effectively counter that so that ALL of my kids feel loved & special. of course i'll try, but i'm guessing my folks tried too, & i still felt it. so can it be done? can we really impose equality on both our feelings & in our children's perception of those feelings?
I was going to write a blog about this subject and forgot! I am going to go do that now! But mine, isn't going to be as nice as yours. =0)
ReplyDeleteThere is in my family and I think it's for some of the same reasons. I have a much younger brother, the only boy and the youngest of the family. Same thing, he calls, I have to go.
ReplyDeleteI agree though, there is times when you will be closer to one than the other, but to like one more than the other. That could never happen, for me.
Eesh. There are 6 of us, and we're all very different, and I do feel my mom has favorites. Not so much my dad, or at least he's better about it. And it's never been me. We joke about it with her, too. My 2 "smart" siblings are probably her faves, because she can brag about them more. Pretty funny though, because of the bunch, they're the ones who have done the most "bad" stuff!
ReplyDeleteIt's tough now, too, with living far away from all of them. My mom watches my sisters kids 2 days a week, and she's just always doing stuff for her family. It's not a fair judgement on my part, because she can't just come over here whenever she wants, but it still sucks.
I'm going to try to learn from them and really really try hard not to have favorites.
A lady I used to work with used to talk about her 2 (grown - ages 20 and 22) boys and how she favored one of the other and it really upset me that she would say that. She explained it that one was nicer, more thoughtful, and the other was always talking back, and just not as sweet as the other. I can see it being difficult to not gravitate to one over the other in that case, but it still bugged me. I'm sure the unfavorite maybe saw it and it caused him to be more of a brat?
When I was junior high/high school age I though my brother was the fav. BUt thenI realized it was just because he was so much younger than my sister and I, and thus required more attention (he is 12 years younger than me).
ReplyDeletewell there is 6 of us all together My older brother and I was from the first marriage and the other 4 from her second marriage.she is still married to the father of the last 4 the first baby they had was born 3 months early and wasnt expected to make it he was always allowed to get away with a lot more then My older brother and I and got to do alot more then us So when i was young I felt that he was the favorite but now that i am older and can see where they was coming from not knowing if he was gonna make it through the many hospital stays I think they just wanted to make sure that the life he had would be full if something was to happen and he didnt make it.Now the baby is spoiled rotten(but the older ones had a hand in that lol ). we Kinda grew up in groups ages are 29,27,23,16,15,and 8
ReplyDeleteI think it can be done but it is probably hard some kids are harder to get a long with then others esp if you have a back talker and then one that just listens and does what you say. I treat all the boys the same and try to give them all the same amout of attention but it is hard to do sometimes
My little brother was and still is the favored child. Mostly I think because he was ill when he was little, but he was always babied and catered to, and to this day can do no wrong and is King. But, he is 29 and still lives at home and my mom pays his bills...so I think I won in the long run :-)
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