the end

i feel like i have to close out this little blogging chapter on a less awful note, although quite honestly i'm just sick of thinking about it. i tried to post some pisc of emma "helping" with her quilt but blogger won't let me at the moment, so i suppose i'll update on the crap family situation instead.
N owned up that part of the reason his family feel the way they do is bc he has vented to them about me, instead of coming to me with his concerns. he apologized, & when i pushed, was pretty specific about HOW he plans to start to change things. we talked about embracing the life we have, instead of mourning the life we *thought* we'd have. in a way, the whole thing has both confirmed & allayed my fears. i believe that he is sincere in his desire to change the way he handles his family & his role in our family, but i have some concerns about his ability to execute. my faith in him took some serious blows. foundations have shifted, & while i love him as much as ever, until i see those changes being made some amount of doubt could remain. it's jarring to learn that the person i thought was living his life with me as openly & honestly as i've lived mine with him, was not, in fact, doing any such thing. i'm not talking about huge lies & betrayals here, just masking his true feelings about a single issue. (lest anyone think it was something huge & sordid, allow me to put those thoughts at rest & say it involved hunting land & school loans. period.)
on the plus side, i am relieved that he's finally stopped concealing his real fears & feelings from me & i hope that this has been freeing for him, & that it will all serve as a means to improve our relationship, as well as his challenging (to say the least!) relationship with his parents.

& now i'm done with this. next time, pictures & cute kids.