4's a crowd?

N remains on the fence about having another baby, & i'm doing my best to examine whether i could be truly content with 3. it bounces around my mind daily... could i be "done"? AM i "done"?
i'm trying to give up the idea of 4, but it won't leave me be. it's always there, lurking in the wings, popping up when i don't expect it & calling to me with all the lure of a newborn baby.

i'm not ready for 4 now, by any stretch, & i feel i owe it to N & the 3 kids we already have to look closely at WHY i feel called to have another baby. i want a big family. growing up, my family of 4 was lonely & fragmented. i was always jealous of my cousins who had big, boisterous families. i always wanted more siblings than i have, & i want to give my kids the family i wish i had. i honestly think that's the biggest reason behind my want, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't also want it for myself. i want a pregnancy that brings joy, not fear (twins) or frustration (unexpectedly expecting). i love squishy newborns, & i'm just not ready to be done with having a baby in the house.

i'm trying, i really am, to get over the idea, but whenever i try to talk myself out of it, i end up wanting 4 more than ever...