real guilt.

for about 6 months now, val has been having episodes where he just freezes & stares into space for a few seconds, & sometimes his eyes tremble a bit. they would literally last for maybe 1 or 2 seconds, & be gone, & he would be fine afterwards.
i mentioned it to N, he said "i don't see anything" & dismissed it. i mentioned it to my mom, who said "i bet he's just peeing" & dismissed it, i asked my dad, who said "it's just a shiver" & dismissed it. none of those answers really jived with me, but i decided i was being paranoid & was persuaded not to call our doc.
then this past sunday, he had a much longer episode, where his whole body shook & he was completely out of it for 10-15 seconds. (me:" val? val? VAL?" him: no response.)
he was right as rain afterwards, but it finally clicked in my head what i'd been seeing, & i told N val was having seizures. we called the doc monday morning, he was seen that day & we scheduled an EEG & a consult with a neurologist for tomorrow.
i feel horrible for not calling months ago. i KNEW something was wrong, & allowed myself to be swayed. i hate that i wasn't more on top of this. i know the important thing is that we're getting help NOW, & our pedi assures me that we haven't done any lasting harm by delaying, but i cannot stop beating myself up over this. i KNEW & i should have acted sooner.
i don't need any "oh, poor you, you did the best you could." i just need to get the guilt out there & own the fact that i screwed up, so i can focus on my val. it's done, we're moving forward, that's what matters. right?