said to me this week by a friend from my former life.
it was well-meant, i'm sure, & offered up in a coversation where i had just been b*tching about N's currently ridiculous work schedule, which has left me a virtual single mom of late. so i suppose it wasn't without reason, but my initial response to the comment was "WHY?"
she's a new mom of twins, lives in Chicago, & works at a law firm. she lives what my life *could* have been. she has a full-time nanny, gets to go on regular dates with her husband, eat at restaurants that don't have chicken fingers on the menu, & take fancy vacations, all paid for with the 6-figure salary we walked away from 4 years ago. i'm not knocking the lifestyle or her parenting choices-- i'd love to go to belize every year, & i think she & her husband will be fantastic parents.
that said, i CHOSE the life i live. i chose it consciously & with lots of forethought & discussion. i wanted to tuck my kids in every night, & feed them breakfast every morning. i wanted to be the one to teach them all their firsts. delegating primary childcare responsibilities to anyone, even a competant nanny, just doesn't have a place in the family we're building. i had kids so that i could be a MOM. i don't work because i wanted to be present every day to make the place where we live a true home & haven for my husband & our children. i am lucky enough to have a partner who willingly gave up the high life to marry a stay at home mom who bakes her own bread, sews quilts, disinfects the kitchen with vinegar, & rarely changes out of yoga pants.
i know that i am a happier & better human being for leaving my old life & starting a much humbler one here at home with the people i love best. i have no regrets, & i'm only sorry that she couldn't see all that i've gained by giving up a few dollars.
I wish that all women could respect each other's choices better. I don't make a six figure salary, nor do we have a full time nanny or go to Belize every year. I do know, though, that while I love my son to pieces, I'm not cut out to be a SAHM ... I'm better when I can try to balance that part of my life with a career. It's not always easy, and I have my share of regrets (like not being there for all of his firsts), but it's a choice that fits me. I live in a neighborhood full of SAHMs, many of whom say *they* feel sorry for *me*, and who kicked me out of their moms group because I couldn't attend enough of their daytime playdates with my son. That doesn't feel right, either, though. We share similar struggles as parents, whether we're with our children all the time or not ... it would be nice to develop a community that is more supportive of all of us. That, to me, would be true feminism.
ReplyDeletewell put justine, i absolutely agree. it makes me sad when we look at each other's choices & pass judgement. i know alot of working moms who are amazing parents (& i think the friend i mentioned above is one of them), but it just makes me sad when people see the work a SAHM does as a "waste" of her talents & education. we all have to find our own path, & like you, i wish people were more accepting of choices unlike their own.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say other than I am proud to "know" you. Not many people would choose to walk away from the high salary, etc... and make the material sacrifices that you guys have made. And I know that you probably don't look at it as sacrificing - that's just the easiest way of saying it!
ReplyDeleteI am a working mom, but friends to many SAHM. Sometimes I feel a tinge of jealousy, but then realize it probably isn't my cup of tea. That said, we are all respectful and supportive of each other's "mom" status!
I couldn't agree more with you! I also chose to stay home rather than pursue a career. Sometimes I see my old college friends and wonder where I would be if I didn't decide to stay home...but it's never a happier place than I am now! I'm sure we could be in a nicer house, have more stuff and take awesome vacations with a second income...but knowing that for our family, this is what is best, and the best way for me to raise my boys makes it totally worth the loss on "stuff". I don't mean to knock mom's who decide to work, but its a choice each family has to make for what is best for that family.
ReplyDeleteAnd for what it is worth...I think you are an awesome mom!