milo's birth story

EDIT: i'm going to guess that the grammar/spelling is really horrid here. sorry, i just don't want to go back over this enough to fix the typos. i am putting post here only as a means to purge the negative from my mind & my memories, & leave me with only the sense of peace that seeing my littlest boy for the first time brought me.
fyi- if you're planning on a c-section, this is NOT the post for you!

for most of the 2nd & 3rd, i felt *off*. like SOMETHING was going to happen, but i was so miserable & we had a c-section scheduled for the 9th, i talked myself out of believing we were actually close. (althoough, oddly enough, i did spend most of the 3rd doing last minute things that i knew no one else would do, "just in case".) 230am on the 4th, i woke up to pee, took a triup to the bathroom, laid back down in bed then REALLY had to pee & made it to the bathroom just in time for my water to break. (i went through this exact same scenario with the twins too, so it was very deja vu for me.) i yelled for N, who sprang into action, called my mom & our OB & threw the last of our stuff into a bag. my mom arrived within 10 minutes & we too off for the hospital.
with the twins, i labored for several hours before they decided a c-section was critical, & was only a 4 when we went back to the OR, & with emma, i only labored about 2 hours & was a 2 when we headed to the OR, so we weren't expecting things to move that quickly. milo had other ideas however, & even though it was only an hour from when we arrived to when we were in the OR, things moved very fast. while they were still prepping me for surgery, started feeling like i needed to push (do i need to add here that the contractions were ridiculous at this point? i am not someone who ever planned on a medication-free birth & progressing that quickly with a footling breach who was supposed to be surgically delivered was not only not fun, but pretty scary.)
at that point, my mild-mannered OB started yelling for the anesthetist, who finally showed up & did a spinal. this is also where things really started not to go well. the spinal didn't work on my right side. at all. they tipped me on pillows, moved things around, tested & re-tested to see if it worked & nothing changed. (i was also alone this whole time, bc N was waiting for the ok to come in.) my doc finally says the baby HAS to be born & to proceed with a local. they tell me if the local doesn't work, i'll be put under a general anesthetic & N will be asked to leave. i am paraoind about missing my baby's birth, & worried about WHY he has to be born RIGHT NOW, so i just nod & try not to cry. N comes in & looks worried. the whole atmostphere is very different from our delivery with emma, or even with the twins. everyone is tense & quiet, & the anesthetist is hovering over me like a some kind of giant bumblebee (all i can remember about that doctor is that she was wearing an awful yellow-striped headband.)
so they start the surgery & the local anesthetic is ok at first, but the sensations of pressure that are normal get worse the further they cut & by the time they reach the baby, it's not pressure-- it's pain & i am screaming on the table. things got a bit better after they got milo out (N told me later they kept pumping me full of morphine), & i got a peek at his perfect, furious little face before they took him off to get checked out. at that point, they started putting me back together, which was worse than being taken apart in the first place. i cannot describe what it felt like, other than to tell you to imagine having abdominal surgery with no anesthesia. i told N to go with the baby, then totally lost it for a while until i woke up while they were fixing my scar (i apparently had a lot of scar tissue that had to be removed.) N showed me pictures of milo, & i remember hearing one of the docs ask "what are we going to do about her bleeding?" before things got hazy again. i remember waking up in recovery with milo & N waiting for me. i remember apologies from the doctors, & lots more morphine, & bleeding like crazy in recovery, & honestly-- it's all stuff i'd rather not dwell on. i've delayed posting anything about milo's birth bc i really don't want to relive it. it was beautiful only in the sense that my sweet boy is here safely, but i'd much prefer to focus on the afterwards part, where i could spend hours staring at his prefect little face & forget everything else while contemplating the whirls in his hair & his tiny monkey toes.

i'm ok, & milo is perfect, so all in all, it could have been much worse. i'm not angry or upset with the hospital or the docs. i really believe they did the best they could to keep my baby safe. in the end, all i really wanted was to be able to go home with all 4 of my kids, & since that's where i am now, i suppose "all's well that ends well" applies in this situation as well as anywhere. the joy i feel in my family outweighs everything else, & i am grateful for that & the safe delivery of my milo.