losing it

why are all these famous people suddenly doing weight loss commercials? i just saw 3 in a row-- jennifer hudson, janet jackson & mariah carey. all pushing weight loss plans. & know it's new year resolution time & all, but geez.
not to knock the plans if they work but my personal weight loss plan for this new year is to nurse the weight off! pretty sure that wouldn't make a very tv-friendly commercial, although i do wish women took a more relaxed approach to weight loss after baby. no matter how much you gain, it takes 9 mos to put it all on, so why on earth would you think it would come off in 2 months? it took me 6 months to not feel chubby after emma, & another 5 months after that to be at a weight i was happy with. granted, that was a slow weight loss, but i tend to gain quite a bit when pregnant & prefer to lose without suffering. most of us don't have personal trainers, personal chefs, or 3 hours a day to spend at the gym, so why beat your self up if it takes a bit longer to lose the weight?

(i say this all with the caveat that i'm sure i will at some point be bummed out & complain about the residual tummy-squish that will take months to disapear. i'm only human, after all!)

it's my party & i can cry if i want to.

ok, so it's not so much a party as a blog, but whatever.
i am beyond glad there is a definite end date for this pregnancy. only 6 days left (i don't count today or the day of), & if it were any longer, i think i would be spending most of my days in tears. i have NEVER been so uncomfortable, including when i was carrying the twins, & then i had separated ribs. (although then i was also on bedrest & not chasing 3 little hoodlums around. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't want to be in the same situation again, i'm just saying-- it's easier to be miserable when you don't HAVE to function. 3 kids requires a functioning mom no matter what i feel like.)
N has been working non-stop, & will be right up until the 9th. i am exhausted, i hurt, & i'm sick of useless contractions, random nausea, obnoxious bouts of diarrhea & constant hip & back pain.
i've been relying on my mom to come help with the kiddos the past few days, mostly bc i want them to have fun this week, since it's their last "normal" week for a while. they're all old enough to stress about a new baby & no one is used to having mom gone for as long as i'll have to be in the hospital, so i really want them to have a normal, fun week & not lay around & watch sesame street all day (which is pretty much all i'm up for flying solo, & all i'll be up for once i get home for a while. i hate c-section recoveries.)
so we played in the snow this morning. the guys discovered snow balls & snow men, & emma discovered the difficulties of falling down in a snow suit. i'm counting on still-new christmas toys to help entertain us all this afternoon, & a heating pad to keep me functioning til bedtime.
6 more days. i can do this.

happy new year

i've never been a new years person. for years it's been my least favorite holiday. i think it's over-hyped & just not that fun, honestly. & the whole 'new beginning" thing? well, if you aren't happy with something in your life, why are you wating until the new year to change it? make the effort to be the person you want to be year round, & new years is just another day.
i suppose it IS a good excuse for a party, but for me, it's a relief to have little kids & great excuse to stay home.
N worked a double yesterday (& again today) so he was mostly MIA, but my folks came over & brought pizza & brownies & a bunch of silly hats & horns for the kids. my mom hung out long enough after dinner to help me put the hoard to bed (super awesome of her, since this kid has now shifted lower & is giving me really awful sciatic pain) & i got to be in bed & ASLEEP by 10pm. it was lovely.

baby #4 update

totally effaced, fingertip dilated. (i didn't dilate at all with em til i was in labor, & it's a c-sec again , so i'm not sure why we checked, but oh well.) baby is in a "very unusual presentation" per my OB. it's a footling breach, with the head by my belly button, butt to the side, one leg straight out into my hip & the other straight down in my crotch, so a foot & the back of one knee are against my cervix. he also thinks there may be cord issues that are preventing baby from turning, & said if this didn't already have to be a c-sec, it would be for sure now. he warned me there was some added risk during the surgery bc of the cord & odd presentation, even with a c-sec, but i have a lot of faith in my OB, & he'll be the one doing the surgery no matter when we go.
i also lost some weight, & baby is moving lots less, but still looks healthy & has good fluid. i'm having all kinds of icky end-of-prengnacy symptoms, so i'm kind of hoping for a 2011 baby (i know, only a day & a half left so the odds aren't good, but i can hope!). but til something happens-- it's still 9 days til baby

confessions

i have become one of the things i like least. i am a whiney pregnant lady. 3 years ago, when i was struggling to stay pregnant with the boys, i would have given anything to make it to 37 weeks. (shoot, i would have been happy with 35!) i hated listening to women who had reached term complaining about how miserable they were, while i watched my babies in the NICU struggle to breathe.
& now, not quite 3 years & almost 4 kids later, i have spent the last week whining to all & sundry over how uncomfortable i am, how sick i am of fake contractions, how hard it is to breathe with a breech baby, how my back hurts, i'm crampy, my feet are swollen, & i'm sure there were a few more complaints if i stopped to think harder. what happened to me over those years? when did i forget how to be grateful for each discomfort & every aching day & sleepless night, knowing that the time spent growing would help me bring home a healthy, thriving baby?
i feel guilty for being so anxious to be done, especially since this is our last & as much as i hate being huge, i know i'll miss the feeling of pregnancy. carrying a life inside you, nuturing & learning a new little person's ways & habits before you even meet them... it's pretty cool. i'm also dreading the repeat c-section, so why i'm so anxious to get on with it is a bit beyond me.
i don't even feel particularly ready to meet this little one. the baby still feels like a little stranger, which is a new one for me. i've been so busy this whole pregnancy that i've not devoted alot of thought to what this baby might be like. i'm not even that fussed over whether it's a boy or girl. 20 weeks ago, i was driving myself nuts over what we might have & now that i'll find out in 11 days, the topic doesn't hold much interest for me anymore. i love new babies, & my new babies most of all, so i doubt i'll feel any differently about this kid than i did my other 3, & i am excited to meet this little one, but in a hypothetical kind of way.
11 days to get my head on straight. & maybe it's a good thing this little one is in no rush, despite the aches & pains.

holiday related bullets

- we're healthy (finally!)

- presents are wrapped. (except for those i have yet to finish.)

- gingerbread is waiting to be cut so we can decorate cookies tomorrow. it's our first real christmas-y activity, since we've all been too sick to do anything fun.

- i'm getting very excited to meet #4. on the advice of my OB i packed a hospital bag (mostly) altho i'm still short of an outfit for baby to wear home, i'll get it together sooner or later. we've never really been "prepared" for anyone's birth & it always seems to work out.

- my wonderful mom came over yesterday & cleaned the kids' bathtub that has been driving me nuts for ages now (i can no longer reach, even if i climb in & i HATE having a bathtub ring. who knows how the kids get so grody in the winter time, but they do.)

- val has given up on naps & has been truly horrid every afternoon this week. he clearly is not ready to give up naps, & it's driving us all crazy. on the plus side, he is finally sleeping in a bit more in the mornings (meaning we're up at 630 or 7 instead of 5.)

- i'm loving all the holiday specials. yup, i'm one of those cheeseballs who actually watches "its a wonderful life" every year.

flu is evil.

i've been down since monday afternoon. the kids are all sick. this is miserable.