i have a very dear friend IRL who has decided with her hubby that they never want kids. it was actually a condition of marriage for her. i've never commented to her or any of our other IRL friends about her choice-- it's HER choice, i know her reasons, & i respect them. i've always tried to be 100% supportive of her decision. no matter how much i love kids, or think she'd be a great mom, i also firmly believe that no one should have a child unless both parents really want the kid & are committed to the child & each other. so for what it's worth, i think she's making the right choice for her.
that said, i also can't help but feel sad for her, bc she'll never know what it is to truly, unconditionally love another person. i thought i knew when i married N. i mean, i loved my family, i loved my husband more than i thought possible, but i had no idea how much it was possible to love another human being until i had my boys. i gave my heart away the instant they laid those babies in my arms, & there are no limits or conditions on that love. it's not something i can adequately describe, but hopefully you fellow moms know what i mean.
knowing what i know now about a mom's capacity to love, i can't help but feel a little sad for my friend, & truly devastated for women trying & failing to concieve.
what are your thoughts on women who choose not to have children? not bc of infertility, but bc they don't want kids, for whatever reason. can a woman live a truly emotionally fulfilling life without kids?
I 100% respect the people who make the choice not to have kids. I was so naive growing up and come from a large Irish Catholic family and just thought everyone had kids, period. Growing up, you just have your fantasy of getting married, having the 2.5 kids, the dog, picket white fence, etc.
ReplyDeleteAt my first "big girl" job fresh out of college I became friends with a co-worker. We worked together a lot, moved in together, were great roommates for eachother. I even introduced her to my best friend, who would end up being her husband. When we started getting close, she talked about her childhood, her absent father, her parents divorce, and why she never wanted kids. She wanted a big career, to be a therapist and a pastor of a church. She admitted that she was selfish and didn't want to resent children for possibly holding her back from achieving her career goals. I've known her hubby longer, and he never wanted kids either, for the absent father/divorce reasons. So it was perfect. She even looked for a doctor to tie her tubes at age 25 and no one would. A year before they married, she was in a horrific accident at work (she works in a prison...) and that made her realize that maybe her career wasn't the most important thing in life, and that family was. They gave themselves 1 year of married life to decide whether or not kids were going to be in their future. They decided they wanted them, or one anyways. They tried for almost a year, and in all the trying, they realized how badly they did want a baby. They're due this June :) I realize that's probably pretty rare to have a turnaround like that though.
Man I can never just leave a short comment can I?
Anyways, it breaks my heart just as much. I have ALWAYS known I wanted kids, and for a while couldn't understand not wanting them. But after knowing this woman during her "I hate kids, don't want them" years, I've grown to respect the people who know they don't want them. There are too many people having kids because "hey - why not?".
I think a lot of people are scared of the committment, and feel that a child would hold them back, they're expensive, had horrible childhoods, or are afraid they won't be able to love their child enough, etc. I think what kills me more than people NOT wanting them are the ones who would do anything to give birth to their own baby and just can't. It just doesn't seem fair.
I think they can live an emotionally fulfilling life though. They DON'T want kids as much as WE DO. So maybe they don't understand us wanting them so badly? I'm sure they are judged a lot by society because it's more of the norm to have children, but maybe they like the freedom of their decision? I don't know. I got all rambly, and it's just so hard for me to get my thoughts collected for some reason.
I understand the not being able to describe the love for the boys. There just aren't words strong enough. I would do anything for this little boy of mine and sometimes I feel like I could literally explode with love.
Well, I think there are some people who are so self-centered they should never have kids.
ReplyDeleteFor example, my ex-SIL. She made it clear from the get go she was too selfish to have children. After she sees the other SILs get attention poured on them, she decided okay just one. She had her one child, 3 years later, she walked out leaving BIL and niece. She totally screwed that little girl up in the head. Had she stuck with her first response of I am too selfish, I don't want kids, I could respect that. Now I have NO respect for her period.
Anyway, you hear the saying do you believe in love at first sight. You often hear people say no. But I do, I fully do. The moment you lay eyes on that perfect little being that just came out of your body it is love at first sight.
We have friends who also have decided that they will not have children. I was really surprised when they said that, and like you said you think she would make a great mother. This is how I feel about the male that we know, I know he would be a great Dad, I have seen him with my children and he is really great, she seems uncomfortable. I guess that is why she doesn't want children.
ReplyDeleteI have no problem with it, I wouldn't do it and don't understand it but I have no problem with it. One thing though that I do have a problem with is when someone gets married without telling their spouse that they don't want children. That won't ever make for a good marriage, ever.