it's not a baby, it's an elephant.

just kidding, it's a baby. how crazy is that 7 week bump though? i'm bigger than i was with the twins!
we had a cramping/spotting/suddenly disappearing symptoms scare this morning, so my doc squeezed me in for a quick u/s to make sure all was ok & we got a peek at baby #4. all is just fine, thank goodness, & i am feeling much relieved, so i thought i'd share this awful picture. (sorry for the took-it-myself-in-the-bathroom-mirror shot. i'm not generally a fan of those, but it's the best i could do this morning.)

krispy kremes

yum.

N is working late (again), the kids are all asleep, I am watching the kind of tv N laughs at me for watching, digger the cat is asleep on my feet, & i have a whole bag of mini krispy kreme crullers to myself.

i so, so needed this after the week we've had. 800 errands, doctor's appointments, a wicked tantrum phase one of the toddlers is rolling through, and no more than 5 minutes at a time spent in the company of the only other adult who lives here, have made doughnuts a crucial part of my saturday night.

i love krispy kremes. yum.

bittersweet birthdays

my baby girl is going to be one next tuesday. i loev first birthdays, but they're also kind of bittersweet for me. i love the baby stages, & it's hard to say good bye to those days, even though i know how much i'll love the toddler years.
we're having her birthday party sunday-- strictly a family affair, since her best friends are currently her brothers & the cats, we thought she'd be happiest with something simple at home. (i'm actually not a fan of crazy big parties for little ones. when they're old enough to start requesting what they'd like, then we'll start hosting bigger shin-digs. til then, family, pizza, cake, maybe a balloon or two. it's a good time, & plenty exciting for a baby!)

she is also almost weaned. i'm pry dragging my feet more than is neccessary in weaning her, since she will happily take a bottle & snuggles in lieu of nursing. & i know it would likely help the exhaustion i've been feeling if i wasn't trying to feed a baby at the same time i'm growing a baby, but i'll miss nursing her. she's growing so quickly, she talks all the time (mama, dada, bubba, kitty, ball, duck, quack, dog, bird, flower, bubble, night-night, bye-bye, hi, no, more, butterfly (fuh-fi), fan, & more i'm forgetting.), she can almost balance by herself & i know she'll be a real toddler in no time. which will also be awesome, i have no doubts.
i just don't want to give up her baby-hood quite yet.
i watch sister wives (love it! quilty pleasure- don't judge me!) & in an episode recently i watched as one of the moms tried to physically comfort her teenage daughter, who wanted none of it, & her mom just couldn't stop reaching out to stroke her hair, pat her shoulder, get in that one last squeeze. i could see my future there-- bc mom will always remember the time when her touch could make everything better, when baby's body was as much mom's as it was baby's.
sigh.
since i can't stop time, (& wouldn't really want to), i'll have to get my snuggles & squeezes while i can, & cherish her baby moments while they last.

i gave in for the last time

& called my doc for zofran today. i don't know why i always think i can "tough it out". really, what purpose is served by me puking my guts out all morning while the kids zone out to sesame street bc mom is too sick to move? what higher purpose do i think i'm serving by succumbing to the horrors of morning sickness for weeks on end?
i made it through a week of sick before caving this time, & frankly i'm looking forward to the drugs.

in other news, i've been MIA bc i've been super sleepy. while i wish i wasn't tired & pukey, i keep reminding myself that this is the last time. somehow that makes it all more tolerable. being pregnant is a miracle & all that, but it's also pretty miserable (for me, at least.) this time however, i am going to endeavour to embrace the whole experience. the pukies, the sleepies, the bizzare pains, & even more bizzare food cravings (tabasco on salad or olives in coffee anyone? no?) the whole deal. it's the last time, & i am going to give myself free reign to ENJOY this, every miserable moment, every baby-kicking-high, every toilet-hugging-low. bc in the end, this too will pass, my body will be my own again, & the amazing, terrifying, exhilerating, exhausting miracle that is pregnancy will turn into the even more amazing, terrifying, exhilerating, exhausting miracle that is a brand new life.

ok, here it goes....

i'm anxious about sharing this, here or anywhere, but in the interest of being able to talk about it here, i'm going to share. we're expecting #4, due sometime in january. N is thrilled, & i am cautiously excited. we only have a 50% track record with our pregnancies, & until i see a nice, healthy ultrasound i think i'm just going to be super nervous. i wasn't this anxious with emmie, so maybe i'm feeling stressed bc this will be our last? i don't know. i'm still in that "am i really pregnant?" stage, where you're both afraid to hope & afraid not to.
& yeah, the timing isn't perfect, but it never is really. i CAN say with certainty that i am looking forward to a house full of kids. we always wanted a big family, & i think 4 is the perfect number. i was surprised how quickly N got on board with #4, but he really is happy & excited & ready to tell the world. i, however, am not, so if you know me in another venue (i.e. face.book) please keep this under your hat until N & i choose to tell everyone. it would suck for family to hear the news via a stranger's comment on fb! (one of the downsides to everyone's favorite social network. i'm still on the fence about whether fb is a good thing. i suppose that's another post, though.)

anyways, that's my news. :)

a comedy of errors

i said i wouldn't be back here, but i have to revisit this just once more. i confronted N yesterday about thinking we needed marriage counseling. i told him i felt betrayed & hurt. i said that my faith in him was shaken & i was no longer certain he was the person i had always believed him to be. he looked shaken & confused, & when i explained further by saying that the cause of all this was the fact that he had hidden his feelings from me for 4 years while going behind my back to complain to his parents. at that point he stops me & says "no--wait... i only complained once, 2 weeks before i told you about it."
HUGE difference. we laughed & then we cried, & lord-- do i feel better. this had been toruring me all week & i had had such a hard time reconciling what i thought he had said with the person i have known & loved for 6 years. the world makes sense again, & while we still have to deal with the issues with his family & that WILL suck, but i am confident now that we will be facing those issues standing side by side.

this has been a lesson to me in making assumptions about statements. i really feel like we've been living in a shakespearean-style comedy of errors, where at the last moment fate intervenes & the heros don't end up killing eachother after all. *huge sigh of relief*

ah well-- all's well that end's well!

quilts & the baby

2 layout options for emma's quilt, (i used leftover scraps. for some reason i had a bunch of little bits of pink & purple fabric laying around.) & the girl herself helping me set out the squares. she had such a fabulous time with the fabric i almost felt bad taking it away to sew.