the end

i feel like i have to close out this little blogging chapter on a less awful note, although quite honestly i'm just sick of thinking about it. i tried to post some pisc of emma "helping" with her quilt but blogger won't let me at the moment, so i suppose i'll update on the crap family situation instead.
N owned up that part of the reason his family feel the way they do is bc he has vented to them about me, instead of coming to me with his concerns. he apologized, & when i pushed, was pretty specific about HOW he plans to start to change things. we talked about embracing the life we have, instead of mourning the life we *thought* we'd have. in a way, the whole thing has both confirmed & allayed my fears. i believe that he is sincere in his desire to change the way he handles his family & his role in our family, but i have some concerns about his ability to execute. my faith in him took some serious blows. foundations have shifted, & while i love him as much as ever, until i see those changes being made some amount of doubt could remain. it's jarring to learn that the person i thought was living his life with me as openly & honestly as i've lived mine with him, was not, in fact, doing any such thing. i'm not talking about huge lies & betrayals here, just masking his true feelings about a single issue. (lest anyone think it was something huge & sordid, allow me to put those thoughts at rest & say it involved hunting land & school loans. period.)
on the plus side, i am relieved that he's finally stopped concealing his real fears & feelings from me & i hope that this has been freeing for him, & that it will all serve as a means to improve our relationship, as well as his challenging (to say the least!) relationship with his parents.

& now i'm done with this. next time, pictures & cute kids.

one more thing...

as an adendum to yesterday's post, i want to add that N has really been struggling with the situation. his parents are estranged from his sisters following similar situations, so he knows what the consequences likely are for taking a stand, & as he pointed out to me, no matter who they are or how they act, they are the only parents he has & he still loves them. i get that, & i appreciate how difficult this is for him. that said, it sucks for me too, for all the reasons i described yesterday. & for me, at least, it is time to draw some boundaries & insist that they be enforced. i just hope that when the sh*t hits the fan, he chooses to stand with me & the kids.

something's got to give

I feel like something is on the verge of breaking between N & i, & i don't know how to stop it. his family has never particularly warmed to me, and something happened this weekend that made N decide to finally open up to me about how they really feel. in his words, his dad thinks that N "has made his bed & now must lie in it," & his stepmom spends her time alone with N using her passive agressive wiles to persuade him that i've isolated him from his family, that i'm using him, that i take advantage of him, etc, etc. it's one thing to THINK some one doesn't like you, & it's something else entirely to be told that your suspisions are true.
compunding the situation is that fact that N never sticks up for me. he won't defend me, for fear that taking a stand will break the last tenuous string holding him to his father. i, however, am at my breaking point with this. they insult me, they swear, they drink, they use racial slurs, & in my mind, N is complicit in all of this through his continued silence.
N actually wants me & our kids to spend MORE time with them. in describng my reluctance to do that, i tried to explain how isolated & abused i feel when we're there. i can't protect myself, & more importantly, i can't protect my children, bc no one listens to a word i say, & without N, i stand alone-- not part of the family, & completely unsupported.
i hate watching my strong, loving husband turn into an angry & fearful adolescent the minute his parents enter the picture. after our discussion thsi weekend, N claims he is going to "handle it", but i am still anxious & fearful over the toll this is taking on our family & our relationship.

pink!!

i am sewing a pink quilt for emmie. it started as a purple quilt. i pieced the entire top in purples, then made the backing (i don't like plain backing, so i at least put a border on my quilt backs) & realized after sewing a cheery pink border on the back than em needed a pink quilt. so the purple top is on hold, while i put together something happy & pink.


pink is also currently conrad's favorite color. if i could find some pink trucks, the kid would be in toddler heaven. we have a pink plastic bucket i got the kids for their easter egg hunt & he carries it around & fills it with his favorite treasures (various puzzle pieces, dinosaurs, blocks & stickers). i'm fairly certain he's going to try to steal em's blankie when it's finally done, so hopefully she'll feel like sharing.

i think i've mentioned before my reluctance to dive into all things pink, but we're diving in head first of late, & i think i like it!

speech, food & guilt

i've mentioned before i think, that both boys need speech therapy & conrad is likely going to need OT for his eating issues as well. i'm looking forward to getting things set up after conrad's evaluations this week so we can get the ball rolling. i realized this morning however, after a talk with my mom & reading a few baby-brag blogs, (not that there's anything wrong with bragging on your kid), that i am a bit sensitive that people will think my kids are "slow" bc of their delays.
they aren't, they are super clever & resourceful little dudes. the therapists tell me that being a bit early & being twins (why speak english when you can "speak" with your brother?) is likely the whole cause of the speech delay, but i still feel a sense of guilt over it. like i could have/should have done more. read more, talked more, sang more. emma at 11 mos can say "kitty", "mama", "baby", & "nightnight", & i haven't done a darn thing different with her, so i KNOW in my rational mind that the therapists are right. however, the mommy guilt remains.

i also know that my conrad's food aversions are probably related by the horrible 20 mos we spent fighting GERD, & constant vomitting after every meal. if eating made me hurt, i'd avoid most foods too.
oh yeah, & then there was the recently discovered allergy to all things sesame. which is in EVERYTHING, by the way, including all processed meats (like hot dogs), cheerios, children's vitamins, & almost everything that says "whole grain". fortunately we found the allergy before it put him into anaphalactic shock, but getting itchy & wheezy after meals pry didn't help the food situation either. sigh. should i mention i also feel horrible about subjecting him to meals he couldn't eat? yeah....

bits & pieces (with pictures)

i haven't had enough coffee to put together a "real" post, (a poor excuse, since i drink decaf, but i'm sticking to it), so instead here's a collection of odds & ends from my week.

em likes to wake up at oh, say, around 430/5, & then hang out just long enough to prevent me from going back to sleep before she crashes back out. while i don't really mind (as long as it's closer to the 530 end), i DO mind stepping barefoot in cat puke while wandering around the dark house with the baby.
yup, that's how i started my day. at least it can only get better from there, right?

a picture of conrad with his quilt.

val's took me 2 months to finish, & conrad's (despite being slightly harder to piece) took only a month. i realize that seems pretty slow, but i've *just* started this whole quilting gig, & i do sew the entire thing by hand. (piecing, quilting, the whole deal. it's fun, but it takes a minute.) em's quilt is my first attempt to design my own pattern. so far, all i can say about that is that it's been a good learning experience. :P

thursday we tackled easter eggs & challah with the kids. here is another shot of conrad, keeping a close eye on his egg.

val got really into the stickers:

i'm thinking of "hiding" eggs tomorrow for the dudes to find after church. it's supposed to rain here, so i'll have to do it in the house. we'll see how ambitious i get. N is working, so i'll be flying solo (with the grandparents for dinner) tomorrow.

speaking of dinner, i need to make shopping list, as i will be heading out with the kiddos to grab last minute easter dinner stuff. happy easter all!

a fashion show for karianne