yup, i stole this. it looked like fun & i have nothing to say that's not whiney so i thought i'd blog this instead of complaining.
1. i hate public pooping. i get that sometimes it's unavoidable, but smelling some strangers sh*t grosses me out so much i will about face & run from any public bathroom if there is a hint of poop funk in the air.
2. i think spiders are evil. i cannot stand them & use our cat felon to kill them when N is unavailable.
3. i LOVE sunglasses & own at least 20 pairs. they just make me happy. i think it's bc i wore glasses for so many years & could never wear sunglasses, so now that i can (contacts) i go a bit overboard.
4. altho i love being a SAHM, i still feel residual guilt for not using any of my expensive degrees anymore, & worry that people think i'm a bit of a loser for chosing this life instead of the prestige & money. & i do miss the money....
5. i cannot live without IB.C rootbeer.
6. i'm scared of chemicals & am psycho about feeding the kids only organic everything & using only kid & animal safe cleaners. (lots of vinegar & baking soda, & method cleaners.) my mom & most of my friends think i'm nuts.
7. i don't think i will ever wear shorts again, & have serious doubts about wearing a bathing suit. i hate stretch marks, & have so many on my legs (including all around my calves) from the guys that have only gotten worse with this pregnancy, i'm not sure i'll ever feel comfortable showing much skin again. which is odd for me, since i used to be very confident with how i looked, & now i find myself trying to come to terms with the "new" me & struggling.
8. i used to be a fan of sex with eyes wide open, but ever since the boys' pregnancy i keep them tight shut. not bc i don't want to see N, but bc i don't want to accidentally catch a glimpse of me.
9. i don't miss meat & am planning on staying a (mostly) vegetarian after 3 is born.
10. i don't really mind waking up with the boys at 3 in the morning. they're so sweet & cuddley & i treasure the quiet moments with them. altho i know it drives N nuts, i'm not ready to give it up yet & am glad they aren't ready either.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
life after loss
bc i am home alone with just my goobers today (N is working--we did our little mother's day celebration on friday with my folks), & i'm waiting for my tomatoes to roast for lunch (altho i have no chocolate shake, so i'm settling for chocolate milk) i actually have a minute to blog & be thoughtful, so please excuse the introspective post today.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.
so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.
if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
i smell.
i am too tired to do more than wipe the remains of conrad's dinner out of my hair.
i smell like vomit.
i smell like vomit.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
musings at t-minus 26 days
is it wrong that i am sort of more excited about simply not being pregnant anymore than i am about having another baby?
we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.
i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.
i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.
to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.
we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.
i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.
i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.
to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.
Monday, May 3, 2010
28 days left & i'm on the warpath
28 days at most & i am getting antsy.
well, antsy & b*tchy.
i had to restrain myself from making snide comments to a old work buddy on fb today when she announced that she & her hubs are expecting twins. i also had to restrain myself from jumping down N's throat yesterday for spending 4 hrs visiting with his parents, who he never sees. i had to stop myself from yelling at my mom for not getting enough fabric to make 2 curtains for 3's room. i find myself having to bite my tongue to keep from saying things like "wuss" to my friend who keeps talking about how difficult it is to be a SAHM to her one child. in short, i am acting like a big brat & driving even myself nuts.
i never felt like this with the boys, bc my overwhelming emotion was fear. i'm not afraid this time, just cranky as h*ll. & when even i felt cranky with the twins, i also felt justified in my b*tchiness after months of bedrest & constant fear & stress. this time, i have zero justifiable reasons to be a jerk & yet cannot stop myself from wanting to lash out at anyone & everyone.
mercifully, the only people excaping my wrath right now are the little dudes. somehow the complete lack of patience doesn't seem to extend to them & i am grateful for that. however, if 3 takes another 28 days to get here, we may be making it on our own, since i seriously doubt there will be anyone left who wants to deal with me by then, except perhaps my babies.
well, antsy & b*tchy.
i had to restrain myself from making snide comments to a old work buddy on fb today when she announced that she & her hubs are expecting twins. i also had to restrain myself from jumping down N's throat yesterday for spending 4 hrs visiting with his parents, who he never sees. i had to stop myself from yelling at my mom for not getting enough fabric to make 2 curtains for 3's room. i find myself having to bite my tongue to keep from saying things like "wuss" to my friend who keeps talking about how difficult it is to be a SAHM to her one child. in short, i am acting like a big brat & driving even myself nuts.
i never felt like this with the boys, bc my overwhelming emotion was fear. i'm not afraid this time, just cranky as h*ll. & when even i felt cranky with the twins, i also felt justified in my b*tchiness after months of bedrest & constant fear & stress. this time, i have zero justifiable reasons to be a jerk & yet cannot stop myself from wanting to lash out at anyone & everyone.
mercifully, the only people excaping my wrath right now are the little dudes. somehow the complete lack of patience doesn't seem to extend to them & i am grateful for that. however, if 3 takes another 28 days to get here, we may be making it on our own, since i seriously doubt there will be anyone left who wants to deal with me by then, except perhaps my babies.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
more photos in lieu of writing
Because no one really wants to read another whiney pregnant lady blog, here are some more recent pics of my little dudes.
on the swings at the park, waiting for daddy to get his act together & get to pushing.
on the swings at the park, waiting for daddy to get his act together & get to pushing.
conrad with one of my aunts, enjoying being the center of attention.
val, being a big boy & going down the slide all by himself! (mom was waiting to catch him at the end.)
& now to return to laying on my couch, ignoring the bottles soaking my sink. happy sunday everyone!
& now to return to laying on my couch, ignoring the bottles soaking my sink. happy sunday everyone!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
i think it's working! (knock wood)
as an update for those i haven't talked to yet: i'm not sure whether i posted about con's GERD here or not, so here's the background, in brief--
his reflux was not well controlled on meds & he was losing weight (pounds of it) despite being on enough pre.vacid for a grown man, so we got referred to a surgeon for a fundoplica.tion as a last resort. (fundoplic.ation= scary stomach surgery, with a large chance of being only a temporary fix & an awful recovery for conrad.) when we saw the surgeon, he had miraculously gained a little weight back & bc the risks of this surgery are so great for such a little guy, (he's very small, the recurence rate is close to 90% for kids who have a fundo.plication before age 2, general anethesia is esepcially dangerous for babies with GERD, the recovery is long & really awful bc it would impact his entire digestive system, & the list goes on), the surgeon advocated waiting another 6 mos to make a decision. as long as we can keep him comfortable on the pre.vacid & get him back on a normal growth curve, we can wait. there's no guarantee he won't need the surgery in the future, but the older he is the safer it will be.
anyways-- the kid is now on a high fat diet to gain weight.
problem: high fat & reflux are a BAD combination, & the new diet brought the GERD back in force, with all of its nastiest symptoms & lots of pain for conrad.
thanks to some wonderful friends & lots of research, we (i think) have the boy on a program that actually works!!! we front load the fatty stuff-- cream in his milk, ranch dressing at lunch (yup, ranch! apparently preemie taste buds hate bland & he has done MUCH better eating since we've spiced up his chow), & lost of snacks in the morning & early afternoon, & then we remove the high fat/high cal stuff for dinner & bedtime snacks. so far-- minimal puking & only occasional mild reflux attacks, & he seems MUCH more comfortable.
i'm really hopefuly this will work & we can get him gaining again... so please, keep fingers crossed, rub a lucky rabbbit's foot, or just think some "healthy kid" vibes for him!
his reflux was not well controlled on meds & he was losing weight (pounds of it) despite being on enough pre.vacid for a grown man, so we got referred to a surgeon for a fundoplica.tion as a last resort. (fundoplic.ation= scary stomach surgery, with a large chance of being only a temporary fix & an awful recovery for conrad.) when we saw the surgeon, he had miraculously gained a little weight back & bc the risks of this surgery are so great for such a little guy, (he's very small, the recurence rate is close to 90% for kids who have a fundo.plication before age 2, general anethesia is esepcially dangerous for babies with GERD, the recovery is long & really awful bc it would impact his entire digestive system, & the list goes on), the surgeon advocated waiting another 6 mos to make a decision. as long as we can keep him comfortable on the pre.vacid & get him back on a normal growth curve, we can wait. there's no guarantee he won't need the surgery in the future, but the older he is the safer it will be.
anyways-- the kid is now on a high fat diet to gain weight.
problem: high fat & reflux are a BAD combination, & the new diet brought the GERD back in force, with all of its nastiest symptoms & lots of pain for conrad.
thanks to some wonderful friends & lots of research, we (i think) have the boy on a program that actually works!!! we front load the fatty stuff-- cream in his milk, ranch dressing at lunch (yup, ranch! apparently preemie taste buds hate bland & he has done MUCH better eating since we've spiced up his chow), & lost of snacks in the morning & early afternoon, & then we remove the high fat/high cal stuff for dinner & bedtime snacks. so far-- minimal puking & only occasional mild reflux attacks, & he seems MUCH more comfortable.
i'm really hopefuly this will work & we can get him gaining again... so please, keep fingers crossed, rub a lucky rabbbit's foot, or just think some "healthy kid" vibes for him!
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