i forgot to mention...

val is turning into a devoted tummy sleeper. i promised myself that when they were old enough to roll onto their bellies & back & choose how they sleep that i wouldn't freak out if they chose to sleep on their tummies. con for sure prefers his back (arms over his head, legs straight out), but val likes his tummy. so far so good-- no freak out by mom, but daddy has had a few. the NICU folks really put the fear of God into us over SIDS. which is good, bc we've been very cautious about sleep habits, but it makes the time when they are old enough to control how they want to sleep kind of nerve racking. of course, we always put them down on their backs, but what can i say? the guy likes his tummy.

I LOVE my blender & other news

i do. it's awesome. i insisted N get me a new fancy one that was also a food processor, & i love it. it rocks. i make most of the dudes' baby food (except carrots & beets & spinach. something about nitrites (nitrates?) in the soil that is bad for babies. apparently Ger.ber picks carrots, etc. without it. ) anyways-- our old blender really hated peas & refused to blend them, & this one makes a beautiful pea puree. sometimes it's the little things in life that make you happiest. :)

i have to share a moment of triumph here too-- BOTH boys are napping peacefully in their CRIBS right now! woo-hoo!!!! i'm so excited about this, i can't even describe it. who knows how long it will last, but it's a definite step in the right direction.

i also had my first "i really must be pregnant" moment yesterday. i was driving back from the library, flipping radio channels & when a cheesy country song came on, not only did i listen to it, i bawled my eyes out. yup, i'm definetly KU. :P

i'll try to think up a more pithy post next time... i'm feeling sort of brain dead & chill lately.

p.s. if anyone who wants to start thinking healthy baby thoughts for our appt tomorrow, we'd be grateful!!!! nerves still haven't set in yet, but they're lurking in the background. thank goodness i'm busy.

*YAWN*

so the boys both have croup... good times! :P

they're trying really hard to be their usual cheery selves, but they just don't feel very good. N is home with them now while i try to finish up my homework for the week since we're going down to chicago this weekend, so hopefully they'll take good naps for him. we're working on transitioning them to sleeping in their cribs for naps instead of in their swings. so far we're having mixed results, but they've never been good nappers anyways.

i am totally exhasuted & so not inspired to do this stupid homework.

i just don't feel pregnant

i posted a similar comment on a board & got alot of well meaning "don't you worry, symptoms don't kick in til 6 weeks" responses, which is nice, but not what i meant. what i meant was that i feel like maybe if i had some physical symptoms, i'd start believing that we're actually expecting our 3rd kid.

i wasn't supposed to be pregnant right now, & i just don't feel it. i don't *think* i'm pregnant. i know that sounds stupid, but you know how when you first saw that BFP, you got all excited & just *knew*? You had all this fear & anxiety & joy? I am just not feeling it. I feel anxious that i might have 3 kids under 2, but more as a theoretical concept, not as a reality. when i saw the 1st positive lines i convinced myself they were evaporation lines. of course that only lasted a day, since it's hard to deny lots of + lines over several days, but that initial sense of denial still hasn't quite left me.

i know i'm acting like a total jerk for feeling anything but overjoyed when there are so many people struggling to get pregnant, & i'm sorry for that. i'm just stuck in a state of suspended animation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. i know i have a dr appt friday, & maybe that will make it sink in.

in admitting all this, please don't think that we don't want this child, or that i'm angry. that's not at all what i mean. i'm just waiting for it all to sink in & become reality instead of the bizzarre, surreal experience that i'm feeling right now.

FEED ME!

My kids love food. eating=fun in our house. (they are truly their father's boys!) anyways, here's some shots of the dudes enjoying their grub.

We're very into teething biscuits at the moment. Their approaches to eating them are totally different & they pretty much crack me up every time. Conrad dives in with gusto-- he turns the cookie around & around so that it's slimey all over, rubs it all over his face, & ends up with cookie in his ears, his hair, his eyebrows-- everywhere!

Val sucks on only one end of the cookie, & will only work that one end. he won't hold onto the slimey side, & if it falls, he insists that you hand him the dry end. And, as you can see, his face is clean as it can be when you're a baby eating a teething cookie.

When it comes to real grub however, the dude practically bathes in it. Here's Val covered in carrots. he likes to feed himself (i.e. knaw on a spoon he holds himself that is covered in food) so we end up with food on everything that's not covered by a bib.

& here's me & Conrad, who looooves his peas. Not only does he have peas up to his eyebrows in the picture, but he insisted on sucking all the peas off his fingers-- i guess they were too good to waste!

Stealing Joy

So about this pregnancy... (geez, i feel weird writing that!)... it was completely unplanned, & i feel so guilty about that. it's not that we don't want it, of course now that we know, we want it & we'll do everything we can to keep it. we just hadn't planned on this, at least not this soon. i feel kind of like i "stole" some one's BFP... like i'm not deserving or something since we were actually trying to prevent a pregnancy when it happened. i feel like somehow i cheated some one out of their slice of happiness... i remember how frsutrated & bummed out i would feel when some one not trying got a "surprise"BFP, & now here we are with our own surprise BFP when we were actively preventing, & i feel like a jerk...
i don't mean in writing any of this that we aren't happy or that we don't want this baby. we are, & we do. i just feel like i got caught using crib notes to get an A, when everyone else had to work for their grade....

our 1st doc appointment is friday. since i'm not certain when my last cycle started & i've been so irregular, they decided to get us in to date it (& make sure all is going smoothly, given our history.) i'm feeling mostly calm, with moments of nervousness. i'm sure those moments will just increase til we get in to the doc.

unrelated...

i just heard that a friend of ours had a stroke at noon today, caused by a blood clot on his brain. he's only 30... he's paralyzed on the left side now... that's all they know right now. i'm in shock. it's some one we rarely see any more, since we despise his wife, but he is one of the nicest people i've ever met. he seems too young for anything like this to happen....