My husband's family has a bit of a "history", (I don't want to get into a lot of it, as he's a very private person & wouldn't appreciate it being all over the web.) So we'll shorthand the problems & just say his mom passed away when he & his older sister were 4 & 5, & his dad married the woman he knows as mom shortly afterwards & they had a surprise daughter when N was 9 & his older sister 10. Now that everyone is grown up, (older sis is 31, little sis is 21), both girls ran off & got married, & I mean they RAN OFF. Ditched the rest of the family, so that we now have no contact with the older sister & very limited contact with the younger sister. N & I weren't involved in either situation leading up to the girls ditching the family, but bc we refused to "be on their side" against their parents & have insisted on staying neutral, the girls have kind of lumped us into the side of the family they no longer speak to. Both sisters ran off in the last 2 years, & the youngest just got married last month & has been having all kinds of fights, etc with her folks ever since, & now both sides are claiming they'll never speak to each other again. (Which is totally possible with N's family-- all of them are very proud & are very hurt & angry over this.)
Anyways, this is all just background to my point today. N's family took a long time to warm up to me. They were always super polite & nice, but I was not what his mom had in mind for N. I think they were hoping for a "country" girl, who rode horses, hunted, etc, & instead they got me, a hockey loving "city" girl. I then further disappointed everyone (my family included) by ditching the 6-figure job to move back to MI, marry N & go back to school (all with N's blessing, of course). Point being, I was never his mom's favorite. According to N, she's always had a very prickly personality, & I wondered how she'd do with the boys, since they aren't her "blood" grandchildren & I'm not her favorite in-law.
My worries have thus far been totally unfounded however, as she adores the boys & has been nothing but super supportive through the whole NICU/ new baby experience. (N's younger sis & her biological daughter spent 3 mos in the NICU, so she was actually more understanding about the NICU fears than my own family, which was a switch.) She's also been way more involved & nicer to N & me since the boys arrived. I'm not sure if its bc the boys birth coincided with the her daughter (the younger sister) leaving, so that now we're really all the family they have left. Or maybe grandkids would have melted her heart regardless. I'm not sure, but it's like I suddenly have value as a member of the family now. & although I'm glad for the change, I find it interesting that grandbabies could so change a person's attitude. Anyone else have experience with babies changing the family dynamic?
yes, i have. my dh is the young.est of six kids. he has FOUR sis.ters. Yes, 4. Anyway when we moved out to CA while he was in the AF the entire family got into a huge fight. it was bad. Anyway, things were really awkward at family gatherings and my dh and i RARELY heard from anyone else in the family (besides his parents, and honestly we didn't attempt to contact anyone either).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the second everyone found out i was preg. the calls and e-mails started. his sisters were all super nice and helpful and it was like nothing happened. I felt the same way, now that I had a daughter and they had a blood relation because of me all of a sudden they were much nicer.
i still sort of resent that actually. i remember how they used to be and i don't like that they'll call my house to wish my daughter happy birthday and not me.
sorry for the long comment :)
Yeah, my family dynamic changed after I became a mom.
ReplyDeleteTo say my MIL did not/does not like me is understatement. I am DH's second wife, and his parents are very, very Catholic. Add to it the fact that I was a professional musician noted for wild stage antics, and had a partially-real, partially contrived offstage persona... yeah, not good. She refused to come to our wedding. She forbade me to be near her family's business or home. And she deliberately stepped up her friendship with DH's ex-wife, even though previously she hadn't cared for her, either.
OK, I could go on for hours, but I won't. Suffice it to say this woman despised me, and may still in her heart of hearts.
Once we lost our son, things changed. MIL - and a bunch of other friends and "hangers on" who had previously ostracized me - started being nice. It actually made me dislike them all more, but at least for DH's sake I was happy. We could attend family & social events again without bearing the brunt of outright hostility.
Then we had our daughter, and the niceness increased. At least, on the outside. I still notice little things, like MIL will not actually address me by name, or make eye contact. But being the mother of her grandchildren seems to have conferred upon me a somewhat highter status than my previous position of "sub-leper", LOL!
Anyway, my honest opinion is that if I were to die in some sort of freak pasta accident, and DH moved back in with his first wife, my MIL would be thrilled and consider it god's blessing. But if all goes well, I won't give her that satisfaction! In the meantime, I'll content myself with the superficial, public act of playing nice. It makes life easier for my hubby, and that's good enough for me.
Well said, Brenda! I just wanted to add that I have seen this as well. My MIL hated/hates me, and is even really hateful to DH because of it. She's had no problems in the recent past slinging curse words in our direction, sending hate mail/email, etc.. She would drive me nuts because she would send something hateful (like an email), and then send something to try to make it up or tell DH she didn't mean it, and then be nice for a month or so... then the cycle would repeat! Almost bi-polar or something.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, we told her I was pregnant about a week or so after one of her hate-mail rants. She pulled a 180, which was normal for her to do afterwards anyway so I didn't think much of it. But she has consistently been pleasant on the phone since...and even been nice a few times. She sent me a really sweet Mother's day card/package. WOW.
I haven't had the baby yet, so I don't know how long the changes will last, but I can say from what I seen already that having a baby DEFINITELY changed her attitude towards me.
And I agree with the posters above... part of me is pissed off that it took that... or part of me thinks well it's all fake anyway, just so I don't keep her from seeing the baby or whatever. But there's peace. Fake or not...I'll take it!
Allison (PAL)