Thursday, August 20, 2009

an explanation

that last post seems pretty pathetic, doesn't it?

i just feel like i should KNOW what i'm doing by now, you know? i wanted to teach in college, (hindsight, that's probably what i should have stuck with), but was talked out of it by my dad's near constant stream of how little teachers make, why did i go to U of M if i wanted to teach, blah blah blah. & so i went to law school, which is what everyone expected of me. i got into a good school, got scholarships (only partial tho, which is a big bummer now that i'm not making bank anymore), & did everything i was supposed to-- ended up at a big money job in chicago, at a big firm, working 100 hrs a week, exactly like i was supposed to. my dad got bragging rights ("my daughter's a lawyer, etc") & i hated my life.
i know it probably sounds stupid to people who grew up in normal families, that i could be so affected by what other people think of me. i think its a legacy of growing up in an abusive home. don't get me wrong, i was never hit, (although i can't say the same for my brother), but the emotional abusive was insidious & constant. as an adult, i know it was the alcohol, not us, that was the problem, but the WHY something happens doesn't matter nearly as much as the effects. whatever your intent is, its your actions that matter. i try very hard to make my actions match my intent, bc i know too well how it feels to be told "of course he means well, he loves you" & KNOW with every fiber of my being, based on everything that i saw, felt & experienced, that those words were lies.
i think that's why i've always gone to such great lengths to please & impress. it's the "if i'm perfect enough, i'll be loved" syndrome. & maybe that's why i feel so guilty & loser-like walking away from my history master's. i really think, in my heart of hearts, that the right thing for me to do is to invest my time & money in a career with more certain prospects. so what if it's an associate's degree. no, "my daughter is a dental hygienist" doesn't sound as good as "my daughter is a lawyer", but in the real world, who cares? shouldn't it be more important that i am happy & satisfied as a wife & mom, pursuing a career that i'll enjoy & that will help provide for my family?
10 years ago, even 5 years ago, i would have let the off-the-cuff remarks about how i'm wasting my talents push me towards another bad decision. i've stopped letting this kind of self-defeating crap change my mind, but i haven't been able to banish the thoughts. & so i'm left here, second guessing myself & beating myself up for another "failure".
i love my dad, & he can be a wonderful person, & now that's he's stopped drinking, he is more & more the person he should always have been, but 25 years of behavior can't be erased in 3 sober years. i'm not even sure he recognizes how his behavior affected my brother & me. i'd love an apology, some understanding of how he hurt us, but i'd settle for him learning to love & respect the person i am, instead of the person he thinks i should be.

a footnote-- this is private stuff, so please keep any remarks about it on my blog & no where else. (including in the real world, miss m!) thanks guys....

6 comments:

  1. just because you aren't using the other education doesn't mean you didn't earn every hour, every class, every grade it took you to achieve those degrees! I think it's telling that you hold so much education but want to do something that will make you happy. :)

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  2. I completely agree with the last comment. Having all that education really says something about you. You are smart and strong and you deserve to do whatever it is that will make you happy. Moving on from something that paid well but made you miserable is something not many people would have the courage to do - you should be very proud!

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  3. Kate....right there with you sister. Hugs, kisses, baby farts (cause they are flippin cute right?)....

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  4. i know how to crochet, but i get bored with it. i've been working on a baby blanket for seriously 8 years. :) i'll do it for like 3 days and then put it away for months...so i'm hoping sewing will be more fun

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  5. Honey, on a personal level I am proud of you no matter what you do. Just be who you are and do what will make you happy and that will be perfect enough. You are amazing in mind and heart and don't forget you are ALWAYS loved. (sorry little sappy, but you know me!)

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  6. ((HUGS)) Not sure what else to say. You will find that perfect spot, something that you love to do, but at the same time something that you can actually do!

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