Regrets

i remember when we were trying to get pg, before the guys were born, i was so jealous of women who already had kids. even if we were in the same boat-- trying to conceive after pregnancy loss, when i'd see them talk about how badly they wanted to be pg, i'd think to myself "but at least you already HAVE a child" & feel extra sorry for myself that we had none.
i feel horrible about that now. we'd like to start trying again when the guys are about a year old, & lately i've been wondering if i'd be ok if the boys were the only kids we ever had. of course i wouldn't love them any less, but i so want a 3rd child i think it would be very hard to come to terms with the fact that it might never happen for us. & then suddenly i had insight into how those women must have felt-- longing for a LO that might never come & trying to make peace with the fact that you must be content with the children you have. funny (in a not very humorous way) how short sighted we become when dealing with our own grief.
another blog i read has been dealing with the loss of their little girl while still be a wonderful mommy to her other 3 kids, & i understand the depth of her feelings now in awaythat wouldn't have been possible for me a year ago. i so regret those horribly selfish thoughts i had when we were trying to conceive. loss is loss, no matter what stage of life you're in, or what size or shape your family takes. i hope i kept those thoughts to myself, but if i inadvertently hurt some one, i'm so sorry,i didn't know how it felt & couldn't understand what it felt like to face the fact that your family may forever feel incomplete. i know better now, & i apologize.