i just can't today.
we woke at 530, to val screaming in his sleep. i couldn't get him back to bed, so he & i have been up since then. conrad got up at 7, and after breakfast, they both threw up everything they ate. no fever, no coughing, they seem fine. of course, this morning, i'm puking up everything i eat too.
val won't let me out of his sight. cries horribly everytime i go anywhere not in his line of vision. conrad is being his usual cheery self, but my poor vally is having a rough day.
none of this would matter any other morning, but somehow it does today. i am tired, i am run down, i am not eating well or enough, & i have been alone in the house with my babies since wednesday, & let's be honest, even when N is home mom doesn't get a break. actually, i dont know that any of that matters either, except for the fact thst i have reached some undefineable limit.
i am done. i just can't today, & i knew it when i burst into tears at the thought of another day alone in the house. i called my mom, who will be here shortly to spell me, so i can leave. i am not going grocery shopping, or accomplishing anything that needs doing. i just need to be, without my husband, without my kids, by myself.
do i feel guilty? yes. do i need this bad enough not to care? hell yes. i made it 7 1/2mos without a breakdown & i just can't anymore.
i'm hanging on by my fingernails right now, & i don't know how to make things better other than to try to preserve my mental health. funnily enough, before this pg, i was finally feeling like i was on top of things again- the boys & i had a nice routine going & even though it wasn't perfect, i was getting things done, staying on top of the housework, cooking decent meals again, having sex with my wonderful husband, and basically feeling like ME more often than not.
now, i mostly just feel beat down. the best i have every day goes to my boys, & by the time that's used up & the kids are in bed, there's just nothing left. nothing left for anything but the most essential chores, very little wife left for N & virtually nothing for myself.
i need a vacation.
later same day: my mom called to say she can't be here til after 3. i'm so tired i actually feel ill. i just don't know if its even worth going anywhere at this point, just to come home in 3 hrs bc its sunday & everything will close. plus i'm so tired, i'm not even sure driving is a good idea.
i'm so tired. i just feel broken. my poor boys.
fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
Don't feel guilty, girl. You are doing GREAT. I've broken down and reached that limit already (within 3 months) from doing it alone - and I only have ONE!! I couldn't imagine two - I have no idea how you do it. Honestly, you are my hero.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your breather. You deserve it - don't feel guilty about it!
take a break. this happens to everyone. you definitely deserve a break. could you possibly ask your hubby for more help from him? it seems like you're raising two babies all by yourself, and that's not fair to you. even if he has to work.
ReplyDeleteKate you need to take the time for you. Having one baby is hard, having two is really hard, having two AND being in your first trimester is ridiculously hard. You really need to award yourself a little time each week. Even if it is only an hour. You deserve it.
ReplyDeletebelieve me, i'd take an hour every week if i could find one. i'm short reliable baby sitters. plenty volunteer to "help" if i'm here, but not many are brave enough to watch twins solo.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your time away helps rejuvenate you. We all need a little time to ourselves. Trust me, it will get better once the boys start sleeping through the night.
ReplyDeleteHell Noah's been sleeping through the night for 6 months and I still feel that way some days! I guess I don't know what it is like to have twins...but I am guessing a lot of it is the pregnancy. But you are an awesome Momma so don't beat yourself up. My only advice is to try to get some alone time...go shopping, get a pedicure, go out with the girls...but I know that is way easier said than done. (((HUGS))) I wished I lived close. I wouldn't mind taking 2 boys as cute as yours for a few hours!
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) Honey, you are human, you can only do so much without feeling like there is too much.
ReplyDeleteTake your break, you need it. There should be no guilt, being a SAHM is the hardest job you will ever do in your life.
You are doing a wonderful job, admitting that you need a break is proof point.
I know you will get through this, it may not seem that way now, but you are a strong wonderful woman, and mom.
~hugs~ Kate, it's so hard. I can't imagine trying to do it pregnant as well.
ReplyDeleteYou need time? Take time. I want so bad to have time, but can't get it. The fact that you even have someone who is willing, I am envious of that.
When the boys sleep through the night, you'll miss it...you'll feel better tired wise, but you'll miss it, but that doesn't mean that for RIGHT NOW, you need a break.
I would so help you if I was closer. DOn't feel guilty. DOn't feel bad. Don't feel horrible. mommy needs 'me' time too...whether your little guys sleep through the night or not.
I am sorry you are feeling down.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing your best and every mother needs a break.
It doesnt matter if you have a baby that sleeps through the night or not it is hard work raiseing two boys the same age especially while you are pregnant. Even if they sleep through the night they dont sleep through the day and require attention and love and you are definitly giving them both all you can and that alone is hard work.
You are doing a great job raiseing your boys
i went to NY with a bff when my dd was 7 months old. That was when i hit my wall...
ReplyDeleteI hope that you get a break. ((HUG))