i keep having "girl" dreams....

twice now (the only times i've dreamt of this baby) it has been a girl. ok, so once it was a girl who turned into a ladybug, but a ladybug is still a "lady" right? hmmmm......

i have mixed feelings about whether a girl or boy would be "better". (yeah, i know the matter is already decided & i don't get a say, but that doesn't stop one from thinking does it?) in some ways, i'd love a girl. just bc it would be cool to have the experience of raising both, & bc i'd love to see N with a little girl, & i think it would be fun to have a daughter (other than the teenage years. but i doubt that's fun for either sex.) but i also love the sound of "my boys". & they'll be so close in age, maybe it would be better if they were all dudes. or maybe being close in age would help a girl feel less the odd man (or girl) out. & there really is something about a mom & sons that i just can't explain fully... i don't know that i'd adore a daughter in the same way i adore my little boys. not that i'd love a daughter any less, but i know the tricks of the trade, so to speak, being a girl myself. moms with boys, do you know what i'm saying here? plus, we already have all the boy clothes, lol!

eh, who am i kidding-- i'll be excited no matter what we're having. but it is fun to ponder the possibilities...

Mixed News

i don't really feel like dwelling on this, but i feel like it warrants a post, so here goes:

we had an appt with our MFM doc yesterday & while baby is just fine, he had some less than stellar news for me. apparently the risk of having another preterm baby is way higher than i thought. i was under the illusion that it was the fact i had twins that was the problem last time, but apparently it's just me. with all the surgeries i had on my cervix (years & years ago, i was maybe 21 at the time) & the fact that they can't attribute the premature rupture with the dudes to the pre-e (i wasn't truly full-blown pre-eclamptic "she could have a stroke at any minute" until AFTER delivery. apparently that's really unusual, & pretty much means that my water breaking early likely had nothing to do with my rising blood pressure.) so the surgeries, the preterm labor at 26 weeks, the shrinking cervix & the premature rupture at 33 weeks all means that it's really unlikely we'll make our due date with this one. i really hate when docs give you news like that. i know its their job & all, & just don't like hearing it. i am to think of my due date as a"goal", which is the language they started using when it became clear we wouldn't make it to term with the guys. sigh.... so i'm on prometrium for the duration of the pg in an effort to prevent early contrax & will have weekly u/s starting at 16 weeks to check on my cervix. yay.

don't get me wrong, i'm glad they're taking so many precautions, i just refuse to assume that it is a foregone conclusion that we can't make it to term. i am going to asume everything is fine & that we WILL make 37 weeks. sure, there are lots of reasons we MAY not get there, but not a single reason we CAN'T get there. so we'll just keep our fingers crossed & hope for the best.

i have to say tho, had this been a planned baby, we would have consulted with our docs prior to trying & i think after recieving this news, we might not have tried. i'm thrilled we're having #3, & am going to proceed as tho everything will be fine (bc it WILL), but we know what could have happened with the boys & we know how lucky we were to get to 33 weeks. i just have to assume this kid is here for a reason, so onward we go!

in happy news, i have lots of thanksgiving prep to do today. woohoo! i'm super excited about this cheese ball i'm making... i love cheese! :)

orka-ville, here i come!

from my loving husband this morning: "wow, you're really looking pregnant!" which is a true statement, so i don't mind. it's better than being in the no-man's land of "is she pg, or is she fat?"

what IS kind of depressing is that i think i'm as big with this singleton as i was with the dudes at the same point. (eventually i'll post comparison pics, i promise!) i know i was huge with the boys bc there were 2, & i know you're usually bigger with a subsequent pg, but i somehow had convinced myself that i wouldn't be so big this time since i only have one baking. alas, that seems not to be the case.

Sleepy Saturday Musings

the boys are both fighting the naps right now, but quietly, so i know they'll give in sooner or later. :) conrad is becoming a thumbsucker, & is going to town on his thumb, which is very cute. doesn't like a paci, but that thumb--ooo boy!

i am very tired (surprise, surprise) & hunting for thanksgiving recipes for N. poor guy, my family usually does traditional armenian food for holidays, & bc he works every holiday we usually celebrate holidays here (with my fam). so he misses out on the american staples like candied yams, etc. so this thanksgiving, since its at our house, i'm making him his candied yams with marshmallows (sounds yucky to me, but he loves it!) & cranberry sauce. & we're doing a real turkey, not just a breast with some other less-traditional protein like usual. i figure its time we start some of our own traditions, so we're mixing the armenian & american this year, & luckily my folks are all excited about it, mostly bc my dad loves to cook & my mom just loves a party, but its working out without offending anyone & N will get some of his holdiay treats.

i had a diet coke today, which i now feel all guilty for, since i wouldn't let caffiene cross my lips when i was pg with the guys. i'm just SO tired, i really needed the caffiene. & i even poured half of it down the drain, i just had to kill the tired headache i had going or i wasn't sure i'd make it thru the day.

monday & tuesday we have appts to check on the new peanut. mon with my OB, & tues is a consult with our mfm (high risk doc) & the NT scan, 1st tri tests etc. & if all is well, i think we'll be breaking the news. i'm showing enough that my family will guess on sight, & since the holidays are coming, i can't really hide from everyone (nor do i want to!) i'll post when the news is officially out, but for now it's still all secret squirrel.

& i will be going to see new moon tomorrow with a bud. doesn't matter that i'm not into pattinson & cast, etc. something about that series is just addictive & i have to see it. we can all use a little cheap escapism in our lives, right?

val has given in to the nap, & con man is doing some serious wiggles, which usually means he'll be out shortly. it's like he has to squeeze out every last ounce of energy before he can crash... funny little boy. :)

he does love me!

N showed up, unannounced & unasked, at 430 yesterday. the man took 2 hours off work for no reason other than he thought i sounded like i needed help.

& i did. i love that man.

Not in the mood for well-meaning advice.

the boys have been up off & on since 1am. conrad has been up for good since around 430, although i finally got val back to sleep around 6. sigh.... in good news, the con man is in a fabuous mood. mom, however, is not. mostly bc i am somewhat unfairly blaming N for my lack of sleep. he has been gone hunting (leaves at 4am home at 8pm) since saturday & is now back at work (gone 5am to 7pm) until sunday, when he made plans that require me to spend yet another day home alone with the guys WITHOUT ASKING ME. granted, he is just driving a processed deer up to his dad's buddy, it's not like he's having tons of fun, but it would have been nice to be consulted. & he acted all hurt when i scoffed at the idea of taking the boys & driving up there with him, as though sitting in a car for 4 hours with fussy babies, while pregnant & carsick would be some kind of treat. seriously, i wonder sometimes where his brain is. so my dad is riding with him (i guess N really wanted company) & i will be home with the babies. like always.
so much for our little talk about mom needing a day out once in a while.

(before anyone starts bashing my husband or talking about how much better i'll feel with sleep, just stop. all i really have to do is tell N i need some time to myself & we'll find a way to make it happen next week sometime. & babies will have a bad night once in a while-- it happens. but this is my blog & i'm allowed to complain about how tired i am & how annoying men can be. & i am prefectly aware of how b*tchy i sound. again, my blog-- i'm allowed.)

Adventures in Doggieland

So yesterday on the way to meijers i saw a stray dog, running down the road. i'm a sucker when it comes to critters, but it looks like a well-kept dog, so i tell myself it's a lose pet, & i'll stop on the way back if it's still there. on the way home, dog is still there, by now running down the road & acting scared. so i stop, & as soon as the dog sees my car stop, she runs over & jumps into the open door like she's never been happier to see a friendly human.

dog turns out to be a very sweet, beautiful (slightly pudgy) black lab with no collar. I take her home (after a stop to grab a leash & collar, since i can't have a strange loose dog in the house with babies & cats & birds), & she makes herself right at home, helps herself to some cat food & makes friends with digger the kitty. by now the boys are up from their naps & totally entranced with the doggie. (they LOVE animals. the kitties are their favorite toys & conrad loves to watch the birds). i start calling around to see if anyone has reported a lost dog & looking for a no-kill shelter that will take her. the process takes several hours, & during that time, we discover that the dog (now being called "rosie") is perfectly trained & wonderful with both babies & cats.

i see myself & my mom sinking fast, & i know that we just can't add another animal to the mix right now. (& here comes the part where i jusitfy why i couldn't keep her.) we have zero yard, & no fence, & with 2 babies & a 3rd on the way, i barely have time to give the critters we have now the attention they need, let alone a dog who needs walks & run time. we firmly believe that when you adopt a critter, it is for life & with full knowledge of the needs, & i just can't meet the needs of a busy young lab, no matter how perfect she is. sigh.... i still feel sad about it.

anyways, on my 3rd call to the humane society, they tell me a man has just come in & reported a lost lab, but can find none of his info. the nice lady ("nancy") asks why i don't just bring her in to the shelter, & i say she's too nice a dog to be put down in 2 weeks when no one adopts her. at this point, nancy says "oh!" like she's had a revelation, & tells me that bc they are a private shelter, they don't euthanize any animal unlesss the animal is dangerous or terminally ill & in discomfort. healthy, friendly critters are kept & fostered until they find a home. i honestly could have kissed her at that point. i really felt responsible for rosie the dog & was beyond thrilled to find a good place for her. so rosie & i went & checked out the shelter, which was awesome, as far as shelters go. the doggie rooms had sofas, & toys & outdoor runs, it was like a very nice doggie condo. plus, they publish "found dog" reports on line & in the paper, so if some one is looking for her, she has a good chance to be found, & if not, she has a great chance of finding a good forever home.

& to further assuage my guilt, i made a donation to the humane society before i left. so in a few days, i'll call & see if she's been "found" & make sure she's going up for adoption. i know i kind of drive N nuts when i do stuff like this, but he knew that i stop for strays when he married me! :)

i have...

nothing to say lately. i am just so darn tired, it's like i'm brain dead. & before anyone says "wait til the boys sleep thru the night" it's not them-- they're back on schedule & sleeping fine at night, & even napping during the day. it's got to be the pregnancy. it's just kicking the snot out of me. no matter how early i go to bed, i'm exhausted by noon. sigh....

too much sunshine

i've decided i don't really enjoy blogs that are super cheerful all the time. if that's the face you chose to present to the world, that's cool, people write blogs for different reasons, after all. but for me, the blogs i enjoy most are like peeks into some one else's head. it's a voyeuristic pleasure, sure, but it's so much more fun than blogs that are just a bunch of happy status reports. no one is cheery all the time, not every day is a good one, & i'd rather read about the angry & the ugly & the bad right along with the good. i think it's a more realistic approach to writing, & definitely a more interesting one to read.

& now i've pissed of everyone who tries to be nothing but positive, which isn't my intent. please understand, it's not a reflection of your writing choices, but rather of MY reading preferences. it's the same reason that the best fairy tales are the ones that are a little scary too. life is better when it has balance. light without dark is just boring. why do you think the princess is usually an orphan? why is there always a scary witch or terrifying dragon? perfection isn't a fun experience 2nd hand.



p.s. to lurker in willis, mi: I KNOW YOU! i must, willis is tiny. so who are you & how did you find me?

Nothing Interesting

N's dad & dad's best bud are spending a few days down here hunting with N. they were supposed to get in around noon, but called at 9 to say they were in chelsea (40 mins from us, but wherer the hunting land is), so N took off about an hour ago to meet up with them, & i got the dudes down for a snooze, so hopefully they'll be in good moods to visit with grandpa mike before we have to rush them out to the flu shot bonanza this afternoon. (seasonal shot at 3, H1N1 at 5).

in unrelated news, i want green bean casserole. like, BAD.

Alcohol & Know-It-Alls

I'm taking a nutrition class (required for the dental hygiene program) & last night was our lecture on alcohol, which of course included alcoholism. The professor goes over the health problems caused by prolonged abuse, cirrhosis of the liver being one of the msot serious. She mentions that if it gets bad enough, the only real treatment is a transplant. At this point, a super obnoxious girl who sits behind me decides to chip in with her 2 cents. (if you've ever been in any kind of higher education you pry know the type. she knows everything about everything & has either personally experienced every ailment discussed in class or knows some one who has. & of course, bc of her great wealth of personal experience, she knows more about any given topic than anyone else including the professor. she also brings brownies to this class (did i mention it's a nutrition class?) & frequently spouts off about her incredibly healthy vegan lifestyle, despite the fact that she weighs over 200lbs & seemingly eats packaged brownies like candy. i'm sure you can already tell how much i appreciate her commentary.)

anyways, last night's discussion of alcoholism hit close to home for me, as i have watched someone very close to me struggle with it for over 20 years before finally becoming clean almost 3 years ago. we saw withdrawl in all its horrid glory, as this person quite cold turkey (a stupid, stupid & very dangerous way to quit for a serious addict, in case anyone is wondering.) we saw the after effects, the altered personality, the tremors, the halucinations (no, it's not just drug addicts who go through that kind of withdrawl) & it was incredibly scary, even more so bc this person (my dad) is also a diabetic, which is pretty much the worst additional disease an alcoholic can have. the combo is super dangerous & damaging & we are incredibly lucky that he is here & well & sober today.

so when the professor is talking about transplants, this idiot brownie-eating girl has the balls to say that alcoholics don't deserve the chance, bc their problem is of their own making. excuse me, but who gave her the power to judge another human being? what right does she, or anyone, have to say that a man like my dad, who, although far from perfect, is working to turn his life around, does not deserve the chance to live a life free from addiction? Addicts are not by definition evil people. They have mothers & fathers & sisters & husbands & wives & children who love them, just like any other person.

The ability of some folks to condemn an entire population of people through ignorance, or lack of compassion, or just plain meanness infuriates & amazes me, & leaves me feeling somehow disapointed with the human race generally.

eating is not fun

when you select your meals based on what will taste the least bad coming back up. ugh.

seriously, i'm almost 11 weeks. i might lose it if this lasts the entire pg like it did with the dudes. i really want to enjoy our last few months with only my boys, & all this puking is really interfering with life.

mental health report

thanks for all the kind thoughts & support yesterday...

my mom showed up & literally kicked me out of the house. so went to noodles & co, had a giant bowl of thai curry soup, which i ate very slowly, without anyone telling me to hurry (N) or crying (the dudes) & it was lovely. i was so tired i couldn't think of a darn thing to do with myself after that, & after an hour of sitting in my car contemplating life, decided i could handle a movie, so i went & watched a christmas carol in 3D, bc that was what was playing when i got to the show. & it was either surprisingly good, or i was so glad to be somewhere quiet & dark i would have liked anything i saw. & then i went home, had a glass of milk & passed out by 730. i don't think i spoke 10 words to N, not bc i was mad, but bc i was so exhausted. when i called this morning tho, i told him we should talk tonight & he seemed amenable.

let me just throw out there as well, N is a huge help. yes, he works alot & yes, he works long hours. on his off days he does take down time for himself, & it is well-deserved. he also helps with housework, does all the yardwork, & is great with the babies. the "daddy" issues we have are no more nor less than the "daddy" issues faced by most new parents. (dads just are not moms. if you don't know what i mean, then woopee for you, but i'm guessing most moms know just what i'm talking about.)

after some contemplation & a long talk with my own mom, i think the problem is not that i need more from N, but that i need some real time to myself. not just the occasional shower (which i consider personal hygiene, not down time) & not a solo trip to the grocery store (which is a chore, let's face it). i need "just me" time. & after complaining that i only really have one babysitter (my mom) i realized i also have N. (duh.) he gets "down time" on his days off, & darn it, i should too. just bc i'm home all the time doesn't mean i don't work. i do, & i work hard. the difference is i don't get any scheduled time off. there is no weekend for a SAHM. all i really need from N is a couple hours a week, where i can leave the house & do something entirely for me that involves not a single chore, & that is what we are going to talk about tonight.

(& for the record-- the boys sleep fine at night. it's the naps where we have trouble & they are making HUGE strides with our new nap routine. there is no CIO involved, & while we still ahve some "off" days, in general it is awesome. they're sleeping peacefully as i type! i really think the last straw for me was this new pg. it really takes a toll on a body, growing another person.)

just to move that last post...

away from the top, here are some pics of the boys enjoying the nice weather yesterday.

i can't

i just can't today.

we woke at 530, to val screaming in his sleep. i couldn't get him back to bed, so he & i have been up since then. conrad got up at 7, and after breakfast, they both threw up everything they ate. no fever, no coughing, they seem fine. of course, this morning, i'm puking up everything i eat too.
val won't let me out of his sight. cries horribly everytime i go anywhere not in his line of vision. conrad is being his usual cheery self, but my poor vally is having a rough day.

none of this would matter any other morning, but somehow it does today. i am tired, i am run down, i am not eating well or enough, & i have been alone in the house with my babies since wednesday, & let's be honest, even when N is home mom doesn't get a break. actually, i dont know that any of that matters either, except for the fact thst i have reached some undefineable limit.

i am done. i just can't today, & i knew it when i burst into tears at the thought of another day alone in the house. i called my mom, who will be here shortly to spell me, so i can leave. i am not going grocery shopping, or accomplishing anything that needs doing. i just need to be, without my husband, without my kids, by myself.

do i feel guilty? yes. do i need this bad enough not to care? hell yes. i made it 7 1/2mos without a breakdown & i just can't anymore.

i'm hanging on by my fingernails right now, & i don't know how to make things better other than to try to preserve my mental health. funnily enough, before this pg, i was finally feeling like i was on top of things again- the boys & i had a nice routine going & even though it wasn't perfect, i was getting things done, staying on top of the housework, cooking decent meals again, having sex with my wonderful husband, and basically feeling like ME more often than not.

now, i mostly just feel beat down. the best i have every day goes to my boys, & by the time that's used up & the kids are in bed, there's just nothing left. nothing left for anything but the most essential chores, very little wife left for N & virtually nothing for myself.

i need a vacation.

later same day: my mom called to say she can't be here til after 3. i'm so tired i actually feel ill. i just don't know if its even worth going anywhere at this point, just to come home in 3 hrs bc its sunday & everything will close. plus i'm so tired, i'm not even sure driving is a good idea.

i'm so tired. i just feel broken. my poor boys.

fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

silence....

the boys are in bed, N just got called out to do his evidence tech thing (the real life version of CSI) & i have the house to myself. the birds are asleep for the night, the cats are all racked out, & everything is quiet. it's so nice i'm tempted to stay awake a little later than usual just to enjoy the silence.

on a practical note-- the B&E that N got called out for is one of a string in our area lately. there's a crew that breaks into cars in public parking lots, (grocery stores, movie theatres, etc), steals garage door openers & then uses them to break into the houses while the people are still out. might want to hide your garage door opener if you carry one in your car.... we are from now on!

it's One of Those Days

let me begin by saying N is a wonderful father. he is attentive & loving & very involved. that said, here is what happened in our house this morning.
val wakes up at 6, con follows & both have no intention of going back to sleep. so i get up, grab val (who was yelling bc he can) so he'll shush, hand him to N (who is still in bed) & say "watch val" & go to get the living room baby ready, thinking i'll take the boys out & start the day so N can sleep in. i'm just finishing putting water on for tea, when i hear a thud & just *know*. so i go running back to the bedroom to find a very upset N trying to comfort a screaming val, who has (of course) fallen out of our bed. i grab val, just bc i know he'll calm down faster with mama, & say to N (& i'm not proud of this) "what did you do?" N admits he must have dozed off, & i calm down enough myself to realize he already feels crappy enough & tell N that it could have happened to anyone (& it could). val is none the worse for the wear, & now N is definetly up, so we all get up for the day.
we put the boys down for a nap around 8, both rack out until val has a monster poop (& i mean HUGE. the running-down-his-legs-exploding-out-the-back-all-the-way-up-to-his-neck kind of huge.) so i get up, (i had been trying to nap away a headache) & clean up val & ask N to give him a quick bath while i handle the laundry situation. instead of taking val out of the room where conrad is sleeping to bathe him, N bathes him next to con's bed. so now conrad is up.
we relocate the boys to the living room, & i ask N to watch them for a couple hours so i can nap. he agrees & i remind him to feed the boys the beef i've left out for them. we've talked before about how meat is a new texture for them & they need really little bites until they figure it out.
after being kept up by this stupid headache for an hour, i finally crash, only to be awakened at 10 by N searching for clothes bc conrad has puked up all his beef. i get up, & after quizzing N decide the problem was the monster bites daddy was feeding the dude. during this discussion, conrad also decides to blow out his diaper.
sigh.
i love my husband & he is a great dad. but sometimes i have to remind myself that he is trying & spends less time with them than i do, so there is a learning curve. sigh.

Uninvited Thoughts

i had my first really positive thoughts about this little one on my way home from the doctor the other day. not that i've been thinking negatively, i just haven't been thinking about him at all. anyways, seeing the little arms & legs starting out & the little heart beatinn away is always cool, but on the drive home i caught myself kind of laughing over how the little guy has just been growing quietly away in there while the usual chaos reigns all around. i thought to myself "the little booger" & really smiled over him for the first time. the thought also crossed my mind, totally univited, that another little dude would be pretty cool. amazing, huh? sometimes i surprise myself.

project nap: day 3

they both took a TWO HOUR nap this morning, & con had a 40 minute nap this afternoon (val is still asleep!) i'm afraid to write more lest i jinx our good luck...

(Finally) an EDD and, in baby related news, more on naps!

just to update my own record keeping: baby #3 is measuring 8w3d, & our EDD is 6/6/10. (2 days before my birthday!) although the doc reminded me that the EDD is more of a goal.... he pointed out that i'm still considered high risk for preterm labor, since its already happened with the dudes & bc of the surgeries on my cervix. yay. & i'm a carrier for group b strep, which apparently can increase your chances of PTL as well. so we'll be followed by the high risk mfm again as well as my OB. but for now baby looks perfect! we talked about VBAC, he's open to trying & supportive of it in general, but did point out the risks to me & baby & said we'll have to keep re-evaluating options as the pregnancy progresses. which is fine by me. when all is said & done, i want what's best for the kiddo(s... all 3 of them). in other good news, there is only a low chance of me developing pre-e again. apparently only 1 in 5 women who have pre-e with one pregnancy will get it in subsequent pregnancies, so that's reassuring.

& on to baby news: day 2 of our new nap plan is not going so well... grampa babysat while i was at the doc, so their morning nap routine was messed up & their nap only about 15 mintues long.
val finally caved into sleep around 230, (next to me on the bed of course, so i can't go do anything else!) & conrad is still fighting it. he's in his swing & i have our "nightnight" music on. he *just* stopped complaining about life & i know he's tuckered, so i'm hopeful he'll give in & nap soon.... poor little guys. i'm letting them dictate the timing of their naps, i don't try to put them down until they give me sleepy cues & con actually already fell asleep once, but almost immediately sneezed & woke himself up & has been fighting it ever since. i decided i'm going to stick with this new nap routine for at least a week before i re-evaluate.
on the plus side, bc N left for work at 230 this morning after we fed the boys, they went right back to sleep & slept til 645!!! yay!! i'm gathering evidence that it really IS his alarm doing the damage in the morning so i can persuade him to consider either sleeping upstairs on the nights he works, or find some other alternative that does NOT involve an alarm clock going off in the boys room at 5am.
& now con's asleep :) patience pays off! now i'm just left sitting here until val wakes up.....

Sleeping Babies & Snobby Parents

as i sit here watching my exhausted boys refuse to nap, i am left pondering the politics of getting your kid to sleep. a disclaimer: if your precious little angel sleeps through the night & you are convinced that its all due to your stellar parenting, please quit reading NOW.

for the rest of us sleep deprived parents, ever notice how snobby people are about their sleeping babies? i am firmly convinced that having a child who sleeps through the night before age 2 (i mean ALL the way through... not just 5 hrs at a stretch) is largely due to luck & nothing more. N & i are not high stress parents, we don't always rock or feed the boys to sleep; we roll with whatever their needs seem to be on any given night. they just aren't & never have been, "good" sleepers. more personal evidence that its all luck: my family tends to have lots of kids, & within each nuclear family, there is a consistent mix of "good" & "bad" sleepers. it's really just luck folks, & maybe genetics. it's not bc you never rocked your baby to sleep, or always rocked your baby to sleep, or give them a bottle at night, or breastfed until they were 3. you just got lucky. i wish people would bear that in mind before launching into a "how to get your child to sleep" monologue. every kid is different, & there is not a one size fits all solution.

& while i'm on the topic of sleep, has anyone else noticed how judgemental folks get when you say you don't buy the "cry it out" philosophy? i hate how CIO is considered by so many to be the gold standard of sleep techniques. (if you have been drinking the koolaid, calm down, i'm not knocking your parenting. its a choice every family makes for themselves.) in my mind however, i just don't think it is a productive means of teaching a baby to go to sleep. i don't believe that babies have the capacity to calm themselves when they're so young, & i don't believe that babies have the cognitive ability to understand why they are being left to cry. of course, left to sob long enough, any child will eventually pass out. 1) they exhaust themselves, & 2) its a baby's natural response to a traumatic situation. (any NICU parent can tell you, after traumatic procedures docs often expect your baby to pass out. remember that sleeping little boy handed to you after his circumcision? yeah, that's why. babies can't control their circumstances, so its a defense mechanism when they can't handle whats going on around them--i can't tell you how many times this was explained to N after boys had ultrasounds & scans & x-rays, & tubes put in, etc. but it is still unsettling to see.) in any case, i fail to see how leaving a child to scream teaches that child to put himself to sleep.

how then do we get our boys to sleep? we do whatever they need-- we'll cuddle, or rock, or rub their back, or get a bottle, until they put themselves out. i have to be honest, we don't have alot of trouble getting them down at night. they go out pretty easily betwen 6-7pm every night.
our trouble is the day time sleep. we wake up once at night to eat (they're hungry, this is totally fine with me), but around 4-5am everyday, we start a pattern of restless sleep, where they are obviously still tired, but need alot of help to stay asleep. this means i am usually awake the entire time, until they get up for good around 7-8am. i think this is bc N gets up at 5 when he works, & refuses to turn down his alarm, so the noise & his subsequent rustling around wake them up enough that they think it's daytime. i'm debating moving myself & the boys upstairs (our master bedroom is on the ground floor, the boys' room is upstairs, far away.) i know N will hate the idea, & it will mean i handle nighttime feedings solo, but we need to do something about the sleep situation, bc its just not working for a preggo & exhausted mom, not to mention the little dudes.

& they are AWFUL nappers. they are difficult to get to sleep, & even harder to keep asleep. if their combined naps for the day total 1 hr, we're lucky. they just aren't getting enough sleep & i know it. we're trying a new regime, where we do a "nightnight" routine before naps (when i see them getting tired) & i'm back to letting them sleep in their swings, since at this point all i want is to get them in the pattern of napping. as i type, we are in the bedroom, val has just fallen asleep in his swing & conrad, who is truly exhausted, is fighting it. hard. wish us luck.