Boys' update, for the folks interested in my little ones-- they are night owls. They wake me up every night, & there is no option to go back to sleep until they chill, because they now kick pretty hard & seem to really like playing kung fu babies at 4am. It's cool, I can deal with anything they need to do to grow & be healthy, but geez am I tired. Between the battle babies, peeing every hour & horrible pain every time I move that's caused by all the craziness going on with my pelvic bones (this has a name, I just can't seem to remember it), I am exhausted. It's ok though-- grow boys grow!!
So here's whats really weighing on my mind today... is there something inherently damaging about being the child of an alcoholic? (or any addict, I suppose. Alcohol is just the substance I know best.) I have to preface this by saying that the alcoholics I'm discussing are all wonderful, loving people & are currently sober. They were "good providers" & never let their drinking interfere with their ability to take care of their family's physical needs. They were present in our lives, camping, soccer games, etc. That said, they (& we) were also subject to all the rages, lightning quick shifts in mood & casual cruelty that seem to be a common thread among alcoholics.
My brother & I are children of an alcoholic father, N & his sisters are the children of alcoholic parents... how much damage did it do? Can you outgrow it/ move past it? Does it explain what's wrong with all of us, or is that a cop-out, an excuse for adult children unhappy with some aspect of their lives?
I feel like N & I have moved on; we have good relationships with our parents & have stayed close to both families. We support their sobriety & do our best to help each other cope with the aftershocks (which get further & further apart, but never really disappear). I've tried to let go of blame (an apology from my dad helped allot with that) & move forward with the life I want. But I still wonder if somehow I'm "damaged goods." I know I can forgive, but I also know I'll never be able to forget. So knowing that, can you ever really get beyond your past?
Why do people react so differently to growing up in the same environment? Why did N & I stay & fight & forgive? (I won't presume to speak for N, but I know why I did, I just have to ask the question anyways.) Why did our siblings take such drastically different paths? Does it hurt some kids more than others? Are they determined to hurt the people who hurt them until it all seems "fair"?
I know this is a lot of questions & not allot of answers, but I've been watching people we love struggle & lash out recently, & I can't help but wonder if, in our otherwise thoroughly normal lives, this is what made the difference. Then again, what family doesn't have a few skeletons in the closet, right? Everyone has their own demons...
I had this big ol long response, and hit my back button ARGH!
ReplyDeleteA sum, I think it depends on the persons personality.
There are people who are fighters, who are determined not to let people or situations hold them back.
Then there are people who are victims, they think everyone and everything is out to get them. They wallow in self pity.
Then there are the people who think they are chronic victims, that they cause the issues themselves, and cry that they are a victim.
My childhood was far from peachy, but I refuse to let it hold me back. Which maybe that is why I have been able to get through the last 4 months sane, or as close to sane as a person can be. =0)