My apologies ahead of time to any one this rant might offend, it's not directed at any one person in particular, but rather an attitude I just can't stand.
Lately I've noticed alot of women seem to regard their preggo sufferings as part of some bizzarre competition. ("I've been sick for 12 weeks" "Oh yeah, well I've been sick for 15!" etc...) I know I've briefly visited this topic before when talking about the annoying relative at our baby shower, but it really drives me nuts. Especially coming from other moms-to-be who have struggled to get &/or stay pregnant. I know I'm occasionally guilty of this kind of thinking too, (for example: my rants about women who complain about their discomfort at 36 weeks, when I'm only 31 weeks & measuring 42), but I try not to give voice to that kind of thought on pregnancy boards, since I think the boards are supposed to be a place of support. A girl should be able to vent without hearing "you think you have it bad? well, listen to this..."
Even more annoying that this kind of competition is the "we had a worse time getting pregnant, so I should get more attention/sympathy/medical care." (No, no one says that explicitly, but the ideology is unfortunately all over pregnancy loss & infertility sites.) Who is to how much suffering is enough? If X has lost 4 children, and Y has "only" lost one or 2, are Y's fears & concerns any less valid than those of X? Is Y any less deserving of excellent medical care? It really irks me to hear, "Y gets more ultrasounds than I do, & I've had a worse pregnancy or had more losses or whatever..." Statements like that assume that the extra ultrasounds (or whatever) are unneccessary, & assume that Y has disclosed all her medical conditions, etc., that would explain the extra treatment. Assumptions are NEVER a good idea, & imply that Y is somehow less "worthy" of a higher level of care because she has suffered less. My other gripe about this kind of complaint is that no one is in charge of your medical care but YOU. If you don't like your doctor, or want more ultrasounds, or visits, or whatever, to a large extent it is up to YOU to make it happen. (Yes, I understand some people have financial or insurance related limitations, but then your complaints should be directed at your insurance company, not other moms.)
Everyone needs to vent sometimes, & sometimes we all need a good "why me?" rant. I'm not disputing the need to complain, I'm just annoyed at the choice of venue. Suffering & loss cannot be quantified. Pregnancy is not a competition to see who's had it worse or suffered more, & there are no prizes for being the most miserable. If you need to rant and whine about the treatment other moms recieve, find an appropriate audience. Women who have suffered loss should not be made to feel guilty by one of their own for not having "suffered enough."
Soo.... This is so not what your going to want to hear.. It only gets worse. You will find that after the baby (ies) are here you will be thrown into a competion about what milestone your baby (ies) have hit.
ReplyDeleteYou just have to roll with it. Otherwise it will make you question yourself as a parent, and question if there are issues with your child.
There is a certain someone on TTCAL that just boils my blood, and makes me want to strangle her. It has been that way since she got her BFP. Seems like if someone else is having issues hers are ALWAYS worse. Made up issues? Maybe? I really don't know. I just ignore it. Sorry that is a total hijacking vent.
wow... this just shows how much I really don't get on the boards anymore... you know Kim, it used to be that I would probably know exactly who you're talking about, but I have no idea... now I'm curious, lol!!
ReplyDeleteMandy, this person I think is in her third tri now. I really don't know. I ignore her. She has been around since August/September I think.
ReplyDeletei think i know who you mean... she's pry who inspired my rant, but it's not only her. i just find it really disapointing when women who are supposed to support eachother get into that kind of pointless & painful competition. (altho i do have to say, most people--present company included-- are great. thank goodness!)
ReplyDeleteAww, thanks Kate!!! :) I think it's really great how you always follow up your minimal complaints with "but anything to keep the boys healthy!!" I have actually sorta been thinking about the complaints lately too... not that pregnant ladies should never complain, but they shouldn't forget their journey to get there and how some of us would KILL to be feeling m/s and ligament pain and all that. LOL... I say that now.... haha
ReplyDeleteanytime mandy! :)
ReplyDeletei think there's a big difference between the everyday "i'm uncomfortable" complaints that every preggo has & the extreme "woe is me, no one understands my suffering" complaints that are completely without perspective. I mean, really, what's the point of taking this journey if you forget where you came from?
Mandy, That is what I say. It irritates me to no end all the complaining some women do. Your KU, your supposed to feel like crap, you know that I know that it is part of the game you signed up for.
ReplyDeleteAnother one that gets me, the ladies who want to be induced before 38 weeks. That one just pisses me off. Always has. Even before Caden. I didn't even THINK to ask my Dr for an induction until I was 40 weeks. Caden would have been different we were talking induction at 39 weeks due to my fast labors.. Sorry Kate had to vent on that one.. I am totally hijacking your post.
lol-- hijack away girls, i love it!! :)
ReplyDelete& kim, i totally & completely agree with your thoughts on induction. it absolutely infuriates me when they start talking induction before term, when so many of us would give our right arm just to reach term. (This excludes medically necessary inductions, of course.) Anyway-- preach on sister & feel free to hijack this blog anytime yuo'd like!
jeez your bitching about me huh? LMAO Since I posted the other day about not getting to go to the doc every 2 weeks lol It wasnt really anything against anyone it just seemed odd to me that someone who has had 1 loss or even 2 and has no other medical issue so to speak is going to the doc each week already or every 2 weeks. It makes me wonder about my docs ethics. Since I just got her I dont really know much about how things go there, and since I have not much choice of where to go for a doc Im sticking here I guess LOL Jeez now Im ranting. The only u/s that Im having that isnt "medically nessicary" is my gender u/s.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I have been through more losses and things then most of the other girls but who cares loss is loss no matter how many times it happens and it still hurts. Ive gave up nearly 6 yrs of my life to be where I am now and to be able to be pregnant with this baby so my complaints will be to a min. because this is right where I want to be :) I know you girls can def relate.
And the induction thing! OMG I so rant about that when I see someone say that shit about Oh I need to get the baby out now. There is a reason you are supp to be prego for 40 weeks if at all poss. I had my son at 36 1/2 weeks and he had immature lungs, I dont wish that on anyone. I wish women would think about that before they say they want to be induced for no reason. Love and hugs to all 3 of you wonderful girlies! Aubrey