Our TTC Saga, Part II

No answers, lots of tests. I was terrified of losing another baby. I felt like a failure as a human. I was scared N would resent me, wonder what he'd gotten into, & leave. I cried constantly when I was alone & tried to fake cheer when I had company so I wouldn't upset anyone. Out of fear of losing N, I became obsessed with being the perfect wife.
Until one day N came home to find me sitting on the couch shredding "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I just couldn't hold together all the broken little pieces of myself anymore & let everything fall. As it turns out, it was the best thing I could have done. N slowly convinced me that he had married ME, & would be here even if it were just the two of us forever. I still have a hard time admitting to anyone else how dark things were for me, but N knows & is still here.
After that, I threw myself into adoption research. Not having a family was not an option for me, but I wasn't sure I could face losing another child. N backed all my schemes, & we went to adoption meeting after adoption meeting while we continued with the recurrent miscarriage testing.
Around this time, our ob sets up an appointment with us & tells us that there is no reason why we can't TTC again. I'm healed from the infection, neither of us carry any genetic disorders, & structurally my uterus is normal. They couldn't find anything significant enough in my blood work to explain what had happened. He also told us that our little boy was "genetically normal." I heard him say those words out loud, but in my mind what that meant was "Your baby was perfect. It was you that killed him." I know rationally in my head that it's not my fault, & yet.... I can't believe that with 100% of myself. I feel guilty. I am guilty. Thank god I believe in heaven, or I don't think I could face this.
They told us that it was likely the bleed that caused the miscarriage. They think it got so big that it detached the placenta.
Somehow, & I'm still not sure how, N convinced me to TTC one more time. This time nothing goes smoothly. I can't get my period regularly. They give me drugs to induce it. We try & try & the end of every month breaks my heart all over again. Each negative somehow feels like another loss. Not on the same scale, but it brings back all the same feelings of failure & hopelessness.
We go see our ob, & I start temping & charting religiously (I had previously avoided this in an attempt to preserve my sanity). They put me on progesterone after "O" each month & it drives me crazy. I get depressed, my moods swing all over the map. I don't know anyone tolerated my presence during all this.
We find out I'm not ovulating, & our doc prescribes clomid. Our first cycle on clomid was this past August. We had 1 follicle we thought was mature. I was hopeful, but convinced it wouldn't work right away.
& then we got pregnant.
The first test was so faint, we didn't believe it. I retested every day for a week & then we started to believe. A week later, I had horrible pains & they had me come in to rule out an ectopic. & we found twins. Twins.
We didn't tell anyone until we were 15 weeks.
We faced losing them early on due to another bleed, & again at 26 weeks when we had a preterm labor scare. I've been on bedrest since November & drugs since New Years day to stop the contractions & keep my cervix from shortening anymore. We're now approaching 29 weeks & are more grateful than I can express to get another chance to be parents. I am more in love with our little dudes than I can explain, & yet not a day goes by that I don't miss our lost little ones. As loved as these boys are & will be, there is no replacement for the children we lost.

I don't know why it all happened. I've met so many amazing women who've been down the same or similar paths, & none of us deserved what happened. We deserve happiness. We deserve to hope. But does "deserve" really have anything to do with it? I have to believe that things will somehow work out for all of us. One way or another, we will be ok. We will be parents. I have to trust the blind faith that tells me this all happened for a reason. I have to, so that I can believe that I'm bringing my sons into a world where hope exists.