Another Rough Day

Val is back on higher flow & more o2. It's ok, he's working really hard lately-- they've got him trying bottles now too & the dudes are doing their best. (They've each taken some whole bottles, but are still taking a lot of their feedings by gavage & BFing kind of sucks with a nipple shield. I'm tempted to get rid of the thing, but everyone swears it's good for preemies.) Overall, despite the setbacks today & last night, they're slowly moving in a good direction. (At least according to the NICU staff. N & I are too personally invested to tell much.) I just hate that they have to work so hard right now... they should be blissfully growing away, safe & sound in mom's belly. Instead, they're doing all they can to eat & breathe & stay warm. They're working so hard, & we're so proud of them, but I wish I could have given them just another few weeks.

My mom did ok today.... she didn't listen to my directions (or she did, but immediately forgot & treated them like newborns anyways.) I had to remind her not to rock, not to stroke them, to watch their chin positioning (she claimed she was, but did not & cut off Con's breathing & only listened once the nurse corrected her. Thank God I asked the nurse to hang out & supervise while she was there, or I might have had an "event" myself!) I was a huge stressball all day, & the only good part of the visit for me was that she finally ackowledged that visitors might not be the best idea right now. I really really hope the whole NICU experience sunk in & we'll have less of this "oh, they're fine" crap. I'm so surprised that this is coming from my folks. They're usually so supportive, & I just dont understand their inability to grasp the seriousness of the NICU preemie experience. Anyways, I hpoe today helped, & I already feel guilty both for letting her come & unsettle my guys & for subjecting my mom to the really awful experience of watching the baby you're holding alarm like crazy. The boys are doing ok tho, so most importantly-- no serious harm was done. (Although as I type that I feel even worse for adding stress to my poor little men's lives. Sigh... I just can't win.)

In happy news-- my best friend snuck into our house today & left us several dinners for the week. The girl can't cook to save her life, but got her parents to help out & made some really womderful dinners. When N found her note, I totally burst into tears-- it was completely unexpected & exactly the kind of help we need. She made no demands of us & just gave, & I am beyond grateful.

I am exhausted & still feeling really down.

I miss my babies. So so much. My heart breaks everytime I have to leave them.