Prelude To My Dilemma

When I was 18, I wanted to be a lawyer. I would graduate college, go straight into law school, get a job in Chicago when I finished law school, marry another lawyer or similar professional & have kids sometime after 30.

Everything started off according to plan-- I graduated college early, spent a semester in Italy, went straight to law school, got the big job in Chicago, was dating the "right" kind of professional, & was on my way to having everything I said I'd wanted. Except I hated my life-- I hated the job, I didn't like living in the city (I really missed green space-- I've never since underestimated the charms of grass!), & the guy (while nice enough) just didn't "fit" with the people who really mattered to me. But I kept on, thinking of all the people I'd disappoint by walking away. & so I continued until my life fell apart.

I met N on a trip home to Michigan, & despite all my best efforts, fell completely in love with a cop from a hick town who was living in the city where I swore I'd never live again. We did the long-distance thing for too long while we tried to figure out where to live. My dad got honest about his drinking, nearly tearing apart our family, work got increasingly miserable. N & I lost our first child right in the midst of this. It was then that I finally gave up on the life I thought I should have, & went after the life I wanted.

I moved home to Michigan, & in with N. I was able to be there for the healing process as my dad got sober. N & I got married, & he encouraged me to go back to school, this time for something I wanted to do (someday I'll write about why I went to law school in the first place, but now isn't the time). I found the perfect master's program at our hometown university & enrolled in the historic preservation program, which I loved. I worked on a project in the field (documenting a historic farm) & was even happier with my chosen profession-to-be.

Around this time, N & I got pregnant again & I thought I really was about to have everything I'd always wanted-- a family of my own, my wonderful husband & a career I actually enjoyed. & then we lost our son. & I got sick. Sick in my mind, my heart, & my body. I had an infection from a botched D&C & had to withdraw from classes temporarily. After loads of tests, we decided not to wait to TTC & eventually found ourselves pregnant again-- with twins! By this time, I was back in school part time & had finally found a job I liked (no easy feat in Michigan's economy) teaching pre-school. We found out we were considered a high risk pregnancy & have spent almost this entire pregnancy on restrictions & now bedrest (I'm not complaining, it's just the facts.) So I had to resign my job & again take a break from classes.

Because I don't want to practise law ever again (& can't get a job here anyways-- believe me, I tried. Everyone is laying off lawyers, not hiring.) & because what I was making as a pre-school teacher (the only other profession I have any worthwhile experience in) is barely enough to cover the cost of childcare for 2 infants, we decided I would stay home with the boys for their first few years while I finished school. By the time I'm done, they should be headed to pre-school anyways, & I can head back to work.



My Dilemma:

& now here's the reason for my long drawn out story about the past 6 years-- I'd like to go back to school in the fall. However, Michigan has cut funding to essentially every place that would hire a preservationist. The private arenas are hurting as well-- there's no money for land trusts to hire, museums are cutting back; in short, it's not looking good. I already have plenty of student loans from law school that N (bless his heart) is covering while I'm not working & we do NOT want to add to the total, especially with yet another degree that I can't use.

Alternatively, I could get my CDA so I'd make more $ teaching pre-school (assuming I could find a teaching job again), or get certified in radiology or a medical trade (where I probably could find a job). Leaving Michigan isn't an option for us, and while we can make things work on one income, we want the security & freedom that 2 would give us (even if I only work part-time).

N will support my decision whether I stick with preservation or change careers, & I feel like the responsible thing to do is to chose the path that will lead me to a job, even if it's not my dream job. Right?

(At the same time, I can't help but feel a bit like an a** for having all these stupid degrees I'll never use... & while I'll gladly sacrifice my career for our family, I can't say it doesn't hurt a little to have to give it up.)